First Love Second Chance

by Kira Blakely

  “He hasn’t caught a damn thing! I know it because the entire time I’ve been with him, not once has he paid attention to any female fans.”

  “What about the pool party in Austin then?” my mother asked cynically. “That was a fan, from what I read.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration because I didn’t know how to explain that entire situation to them without admitting that Jude and I had been intimate. On numerous occasions. I stared at both of their skeptical faces as I took in a deep breath. Honesty. I had to be honest with them if Jude was serious about giving up his career to be with me.

  “Jude is giving everything up for me,” I said. “His career in motocross. Everything. He wants to give it up for me if I let him close enough.”

  My father sighed in exasperation. “Men say things to get what they want from women. I’m just saying, Ava, that he might not be telling you the truth when he says that. It sounds convenient, after that article you wrote.”

  “He came out here to tell me that he loves me.”

  Those words didn’t settle well on their shoulders. I rubbed a hand over my face as I slid out of my shoes to nudge them alongside the front door.

  “I’m going to bed,” I said. “Goodnight.”

  I didn’t expect them to accept Jude quickly. Letting go of Andy’s personal possessions had been hard enough for them. I didn’t even know how to process a future with Jude. Our lives were the complete opposite and had been from day one. Nothing I said would ever make them understand the connection I felt deep down whenever Jude touched me.

  The next morning, I heard the car door close from the driveway. I managed to slide out of bed in time to see that my father had hooked up the trailer to the back of the SUV. Andy’s old bed, dresser, and end tables were strapped down in the trailer. I watched as my father backed out of the driveway before slowly pulling the trailer down the street until he disappeared.

  I slipped into a bathrobe before exiting my own room to push Andy’s door open. His room was completely bare, and when I opened the closet, his motocross gear was gone, along with the picture. My heart clenched as I took in the dusty blue walls that once had been filled with posters that every teenage boy had back then. Sports posters. Bands. It was all gone, and it hurt more than I anticipated it would.

  Downstairs, I found my mother nursing a cup of coffee as she stared out the kitchen window with glossy eyes. I poured myself a cup before coming to stand behind her.

  “Where’s Dad going?” I asked quietly. “I saw him with the trailer. I didn’t even hear him take any of that stuff down.”

  “That’s because he did it last night after we all went to bed,” she replied distantly. “He thought it’d be best for me to not help with it.”

  I rested my hand on her frail shoulder gently. “It’s hard, Mom, but you know that Andy would’ve wanted you to let go of him. It’s going to kill all of us with grief if we don’t.”

  “You’re right, sweetheart.” She turned beneath my hand to gaze at me with a small smile. “We can’t blame anyone else for his death. I realize that.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “It still won’t be easy to accept your relationship with Jude, though,” she said. “He’s famous, Ava. The attention is more than you can stand. You’ve never been one for cameras and crowds. Are you sure that this is what you want to do?”

  I looked down at the tiled floor to hide my doubts. No matter what Jude did, he had sealed himself as an iconic racer in the motocross field. Cameras were always going to follow him. He would always have fans who adored him.

  “It’s just complicated between us,” I said. “I can’t even tell a straight answer because it’s up in the air. All I know is that he flew from Chicago to be here with me because of the article I wrote.”

  “Did you mean what you wrote in that article?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Every bit of it.”

  “Honesty is the key to any great relationship. Your father and I have always been honest about how we feel, but it’s a matter of respecting each other’s differences, too. He wanted to get rid of Andy’s things for a long time, but I wanted to hold them close. He respected my decision but it brewed resentment. Be careful. That sort of thing can destroy a solid marriage.”

  She turned back around to gaze out the kitchen window. I gathered my coffee cup to hurry upstairs and shower. As much as I didn’t want to think of it that way, my mother had a point. What could I honestly expect from Jude three years from now? He’d get restless. He’d want to ride. It was in his blood. He’d become unhappy and he’d look for the cause. What would he find? Me.

  Those thoughts swirled through my head as I walked to Main Street. I spotted Jude standing outside of the restaurant with a group of young boys around him. Their smiles were vibrant as Jude crouched down to sign a few things for them. They all dashed away happily when Jude rose from his crouched position with a smile.

  “Morning,” he said and pressed a long kiss to my lips. He tasted of coffee and toothpaste. It took all my strength to not collapse in his arms like I wanted to. “Ready for breakfast?”

  “I’m actually not hungry,” I said, grimacing. “Food doesn’t sound good. Do you want to go for a walk to the quarry?”

  Jude shrugged his shoulders. “Sure. I have to call Chuck along the way, though. He’s been blowing up my phone since I texted him last night.”

  “What did you text him?”

  “That I’m pulling out of the Games,” he replied, taking ahold of my hand. “I told him that I couldn’t risk losing you, so I’m pulling out. Permanently.”

  We started down the dirt road in the direction of the quarry. The sound of bikes filled the air as we drew closer to it. Hot sunlight poured down upon us while we walked side by side.

  “Jude, I’ve been thinking.”

  “Hold on,” he said, scowling as he pulled out his phone from his pocket. “Let me take this from Chuck. It’s better to get it over with now.”

  “Wait.”

  Jude didn’t heed my warning. He hit the answer button. The sound of Chuck’s pissed voice filled the air around us, despite the call not being on speaker.

  “What the fuck do you mean you’re pulling out of the Games? And for that bitch, of all reasons? What is wrong with you, JJ?”

  “Nothing is wrong with me,” Jude said calmly. “I already told you. I made my decision. Money is not a big deal to me. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “Ava put you up to this,” Chuck snarled into the phone. “I know it. I tried to warn that woman to leave you the fuck alone. These are endorsement deals. Major ones, JJ! Once in a lifetime deals. You are on the brink of breaking records here.”

  “I’m aware of that. It’s not worth it to me if I’m sleeping by myself every night.”

  “No woman should force you to give up your career.”

  Those words slammed into my chest when Jude glanced at me. I looked across the flat land in the direction where trucks and jeeps were parked with trailers behind them. Dirt bikes revved in the distance. I continued walking along as Jude followed behind me.

  “You can’t sue either one of us,” Jude snapped, holding the phone tightly to his ear. “No, that’s bullshit. Noncompliance? Fuck that. You’re making shit up to get your paycheck at the end of the damn day.”

  “Jude,” I sighed, a headache pounding at my temples. “Just hang up the phone. We need to talk about this.”

  He shook his head at me. “No. I know the contracts. You have nothing to sue me over. You can’t even sue Ava because there is no written agreement. You can drop me if you want. I can manage myself. None of my business ventures have anything to do with you in the first place. I’ll see you in court if you want to take that fucking route. Bastard.”

  A dirt bike raced by us on the gravel road in the direction of town. I watched as Jude’s eyes followed the bike while he pocketed his phone. I recognized that longing in his eyes immediately. Resentment. It could kill relationships.
I had watched the resentment between my parents grow over the years since Andy’s death. I didn’t want that to happen to Jude and me.

  “I can’t let you do this,” I said. “I can’t let you give up your life for me. It’s too much.”

  Chapter 27

  Jude

  I stared at Ava in disbelief as she turned away from me to gaze out along the quarry where we used to spend all our free time as teenagers. There were a few bikers down below who were riding along the hills but nothing extreme and dangerous like my stunts.

  “It’s not a burden,” I said. “Who said it was?”

  “You don’t have to say it. You’ll never say it, and I love that about you. The fact that you’re willing to give it all up for me is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. But giving up the thing you love doing will make you resent me. If not today, it will be in a few days. Maybe weeks. After the Games pass—”

  “Ava,” I interjected, anger filling me. “I am not giving up my life for you. My career and the money and the deals are not my life. You’re my life.”

  Ava turned to look back at me with a sad smile. She reached out to stroke a hand along my cheek, gazing up at me with tears in her eyes.

  “But this is who you are,” she whispered. “You aren’t JJ without a bike. You’ve worked hard to be where you are now. I can’t ask you to throw it away.”

  “I don’t need you to ask me! I’m doing it anyway.”

  “Don’t call Chuck again,” she said, reaching to stop my hand as I went for my phone. “Don’t tell him you’re quitting if you call. Tell him that you’re going to be on the first plane out to head back to the Games.”

  Pain erupted in my chest when Ava took a step back from me. Her face was resolute and sad at the same time. She had made her decision, apparently, while listening to Chuck vent out his frustrations over the phone.

  “If you’re scared about Chuck threatening to sue you, just know that I’d pay the legal shit to cover you,” I said. “I don’t think he’s actually going to go after you. It’s just me that he’s after.”

  “I’m the cause of it, though,” Ava said. “I know that I am. He told my boss that I was a distraction to you.”

  “He fucking told your boss that?” I ran a hand through my hair in aggravation. “That bastard. I’ll call your boss to explain to him that is not the case. Your boss is an idiot for turning your article down because of whatever bullshit Chuck told him.”

  “I’m not worried about my career. I can go anywhere in the world to do what I want to do. That’s the beauty of it.”

  “I can do what I want to do anywhere in the world, too,” I said. “I already told you, Ava. I can’t keep doing this forever. My body isn’t the same as it once was.”

  “You’re still young. I don’t believe you when you say that.”

  My heart ached in my chest from the emotions going through me. No matter what I said, or even did anymore, Ava would find an excuse to pull away from me. She was still stuck in that damn cycle of fear.

  “Am I not good enough for you?” I demanded hotly.

  Ava drew back in surprise at the question. “Of course, you are good enough for me. More than good enough.”

  “Why are you pulling away from me, then? Again, for the hundredth fucking time?”

  She reached out to place her hands on both my cheeks this time. Tears were falling from her eyes as she looked up at me.

  “What we had back in high school was the most intense type of feeling I’ve ever known,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find it again because it’s not meant to last in the real world. We were lost in a fantasy together back then. We still are now.”

  “It’s not a fantasy,” I insisted, and to my horror, tears burned the back of my eyes. I pulled Ava’s hands away from my cheeks to hold them in mine. “We are not a fantasy in my head. I never pictured it that way back then, either.”

  “We’re not built to last in the real world,” Ava said. “You have a lot people who are counting on you to show up to the Games.”

  “I can pay them for their troubles. The arena can bite the bullet on the tickets for my show. I only get a cut of that.”

  “That’s not my point. You have a successful career that is only going to get better. I’m building one for myself. Don’t you see how at odds our lives are with one another? We need to be realistic about this.”

  “I am being realistic about this,” I said. “I can see us in the real world, Ava James. You’re the one who’s afraid to get close.”

  Ava pulled her hands back from mine. “Do you think this is any easier on me? I want to be with you, Jude.”

  “So be with me,” I snapped, reaching out to grab her by the forearms. “Stop listening to everyone’s opinion about us. Stop letting fear fuck everything up in your life.”

  “I’m not letting fear fuck up my life!” Ava exclaimed, and anger flickered across her face. “That’s the entire point of what I’m doing. I’m trying to move on with my life. This wasn’t a relationship meant for the future. It was meant to exorcise the demons in both our pasts.”

  I let go of Ava’s forearms with a frustrated shake of my head. It occurred to me then that coming to Gypsum to confess my feelings for Ava had been a mistake. She couldn’t let go of the past. Even when she tried.

  “You know, for the longest time, everyone looked at me like I was the one who was fucked up. Like I’m the one who didn’t know how to be in a relationship. They couldn’t be more wrong about that observation.” I pointed a hard finger in her direction. “It’s you who is the really fucked up one here. Not me.”

  Hurt filled Ava’s eyes. A sob escaped her lips, and she turned away from me and jogged down the road in the direction of town. I couldn’t follow her. Not this time. I had offered the ultimate sacrifice to prove that I didn’t see her as a fantasy—my beloved fucking career.

  What else could she possibly need? What else could she want from me?

  I stomped down in the direction of the quarry where the rest of the bikers were playing around on the hills. The smell of exhaust and dirt filled my lungs. It was comforting in an odd way as I stood there on edge to watch them.

  My phone buzzed again. Not sparing it another glance, I tossed it down the side of the quarry. The screen shattered on impact in a pile of sharp rocks. Good fucking riddance.

  I went back to the hotel to call the airlines to book a flight for the next morning. No need to stay around here anymore. Not that I really planned on staying in Gypsum in the first place. That image of the future was gone, and even though I had a cushion beneath my ass when it came my career, it felt fucking empty without Ava in it.

  Not caring that I had to be up early in the morning to catch a flight, I stalked back down to the local bar to down the rest of my sorrows for the evening. Alcohol was poison in my family. It was the perfect dissolvent. It dissolved my family. It dissolved my childhood. I knew that one was too many. A thousand would never be enough, either. But I needed to try to kill the pain.

  “Jude?”

  I stopped short when I heard Dean calling out my name from across the street. He and Emily were standing at the trunk of their car, loading what appeared to be groceries. They both gave me a long and searching glance before I twisted sharply on my heel to stalk into the bar. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to either of them about Ava. Especially with Emily right there, who’d defend her best friend with everything that she had.

  I took a seat at the bar after ordering Patron on the rocks. The strongest shit that I knew this bar supplied to help ease the fucking hole in my heart.

  “Here you go, sir,” the bartender said. “Say, you’ve got some raw talent out there. I’ve watched your shows a few times.”

  “Thank you,” I said, sipping at the Patron with a blissful sigh. “It’ll probably be ending soon, though.”

  “Oh? Why?”

  “Jude.”

  I looked up to find Dean standing next to me at the bar.
He glanced down at the glass in my hand with a frown.

  “What are you doing, man?” he asked. “You know that you really shouldn’t be drinking, given…”

  “That my old man is a raging drunk?” I suggested and took another large sip. “Not much of a difference between us, from what I gather.”

  The frown on Dean’s face deepened as he took a seat next to me. “What’s going on? What happened this time?”

  “Nothing,” I said defensively. “Why would you ask me a question like that?”

  “You’re drinking alcohol, which tells me that there is something going on with you,” Dean replied. He looked up when the bartender returned. “Hi, Jack. I’ll just have a beer.”

  “A shot of something,” I said.

  “A beer,” Dean said, shaking his head at me. “It’s the morning, Jude. I have shit to do this afternoon.”

  “I don’t. I have nothing to do this afternoon.”

  “Don’t you have a show tomorrow to get to?” Dean asked. “What are you even doing here?”

  I twisted around on the bar stool to look at Dean. “Let me tell you why I’m here. I flew all the way down here to tell Ava James that I’m in love with her. I told her that I wanted to be with her, and that I was going to give up everything for her. And you know what she did?”

  Dean sighed heavily. “I know it’s hard to understand her perspective—”

  “It’s impossible to understand her!” I exclaimed loudly. A few heads turned in our direction but I didn’t care. “I told her that I was going to give up everything to be with her. Why isn’t that enough?”

  “It is more than enough, Jude. I know that it is. She’s in love with you, too.”

  I scoffed at that. “She broke it off before it could even begin. Who the fuck does that?”

  “It’s hard for her to look at you doing what you do. She knows just as well as I do that you can’t give up that sport, even if you try to. She’s trying to be selfless.”

  “How noble of her,” I remarked dryly. “It’s nice to know that she’s been talking to you about this, instead of me.”