by Maggie Mundy
The nurse bent over him again. “I’m Gayl. I’ve been looking after you the last few days. I need to put these tubes near your nose, to give you some oxygen ’til your breathing gets a bit better.”
Over the next few hours, Greg got to know Gayl better. There was something about the sergeant major with this nurse. If anyone could get him back on his feet again, she would.
“The police have been told that you’ve come around, so I guess they’ll be in later. I think they’re going to interview Beth as well.”
Greg smiled.
“Thanks.” His voice sounded hoarse and raspy, and his throat hurt.
She looked at him and smiled. “Did you think she was dead?”
Greg nodded, trying but not succeeding in stopping his eyes from watering.
“I can’t imagine what you two have been through. Look, if you know any other mad heroes like you, send them my way.”
Glad to see you’re back. You’re a tough bastard, you know that?
Greg smiled at hearing Jeff’s voice and closed his eyes. He was so tired, but all was right with the world: Beth was alive.
Three days later, and he didn’t like Gayl so much. She kept pushing him to do more than was physically possible, as far as he was concerned. He reckoned her friend, Julie the physiotherapist had been trained by the S.A.S: she wanted him to train for a marathon.
He liked Jake, the nurse on nightshift, as he swore and liked hard rock, and kept telling him about his girlfriend. It kept Greg going, just to sit and listen to the problems of young love, but deep down he wanted to see Beth. The police visited and told him what happened. He had been shocked to hear there had been a dead body in the house. They said it was the aunt’s, and she had been gone for some time. For them, the case was all wrapped up.
The next day, he was transferred from the High Dependency Unit to the ward. It was a four-bed ward, and two of the other beds were occupied. The guys were in traction, and Greg thought: bike or car accident. He was too tired to ask as he got out of the wheelchair and clambered onto the bed with the help of the nurse. He had wounds on his abdomen and his thigh where they had taken the bullets out, but they were healing.
When he awoke, he knew someone was staring at him. His heart soared and he didn’t bother to keep the tears from his eyes. Beth sat there in a wheelchair. They didn’t say anything. They just held each other’s hands. Keri gave him the thumbs up, and pulled the curtains around the bed and left them.
Beth’s face was bruised and so pale, but she was alive and it made her the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Sitting up, he put his legs over the edge of the bed and leaned forward taking her face in his hands. His stomach hurt as he bent over, but he didn’t care.
“Beth, I love you. So much—I was a fool not to tell you before. It took the thought of losing you to convince me. I’m sorry.”
“I love you, too.”
Touching his face against hers was like a dream.
“I thought you were dead. When they took me to the ambulance, you looked like you’d gone,” she said.
“Have the police been to see you?” Greg kept touching her hair, hardly able to believe she was there.
“Yes, they told me Will’s dead.”
“He shot himself.”
“Then it’s over?”
“Yes,” Greg said. He tried to lean forward and kiss her again, but winced in pain. Beth did the same. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?” He smiled.
“Yes, but we’ll get better.”
Beth stood up a bit wobbly and kissed him gently on the lips as Keri walked back in.
“Great timing, as usual.” She laughed as she helped Beth sit down again. “You both look like shit, by the way. Can’t believe you want to kiss.”
“I’ll bring Josh back later,” Beth said, with a final kiss blown across the room to him.
Greg lay back on the bed as Keri wheeled Beth away. The curtains were drawn back and he could see his fellow ward mates look on with fascination. It would only be a matter of time before they started to ask questions.
“Listen, mate, don’t mean to pry, but are you from that shooting up Gawler way? Saw it on the news,” the guy in the next bed asked.
“Yes,” Greg answered.
“Must have been rough—the guy sounds like a real nutter. Just as well he shot himself. Don’t want people like that about.”
“No, too right,” Greg said.
“Suppose the police don’t want you talking about it?” The other guy from the bed opposite asked.
“You suppose right.”
****
Beth had been home a week by the time the hospital let Greg go. It was a strange sensation driving up the street and seeing Will’s house, and Beth’s, which felt like his home, with his pick-up still in the driveway. It was as if everything was the same, but it wasn’t. Nothing would ever be the same after what they went through. He had doubts now, as he was getting better. Doubts that he could ever do right by her.
He was glad Pete had picked him up. They had never had a chance to talk alone since the night of the shooting. This poor guy’s life had changed overnight. Greg knew he had messed up so many of their lives. He was tough and could cope, but Pete should get help if he needed it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t go in the house with you that night. I’ll be honest, I was so glad when you said to stay in the car. I feel like a coward now, after what happened.” Pete’s knuckles were white as he clutched the steering wheel.
“You were the sensible one. To be scared is a good thing, sometimes. Never think you were a coward. I couldn’t have done what I did without you.” Greg was frightened that things would have to be dealt with, or there was no future for him and Beth. This was no happy homecoming. He would have to deal with his past once and for all.
“But she would have died, Greg. You going in there saved her, and I couldn’t do that.”
“You do what you have to, and if you can’t, then you live with the consequences. You got the police there.”
“I don’t even want to think about the thought that you could have both died.”
Beth stood on the front steps. He loved her so much. Pete opened the car door and looked at him.
“You okay?”
“She’s there. I’ll be fine.” It hurt, and he was starting to regret pain being his tattoo. Gayl, the nurse in ICU had given him so much crap about it, but it was a reminder of a time in his life and that wasn’t good. Everyone needed reminders so they didn’t make the same mistakes again.
“Pete. I haven’t got a clue, where do I go from here? I feel like going in the house that night and attacking Will was easier than trying to make this work.”
Pete offered his arm and helped him out of the car. “When Sara had the second miscarriage, I said the same. Be honest, and work it out as you go along.”
The evening had been strange. He felt like a visitor and was unsure what to do. Beth was awkward around him, and he guessed she was going through some shit too. He just didn’t want to talk yet.
This wasn’t what he had expected coming home. Josh cuddled up until Beth took him away and put him to bed. Everyone went off to their rooms and then she went to bed. Did she want him there or not? He’d told her he loved her, but every time he went to touch her she jumped. Walking into the bedroom, he found her sitting there staring at Josh. Greg sat on the edge of the bed.
“Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to the world, like a little one,” she said.
“Me too,” he said. “If you want, I’ll sleep on the couch, Beth.”
She turned and looked at him.
“No, don’t leave me.” She started running her hands through her hair. The same spot, repeatedly. She would make it raw if she kept at it.
“Stop.” He held her hand firmly. “Beth, you have to talk to me. I don’t know what’s going on. I told you in the hospital, I love you. Everything seemed fine in there, but today, here, I feel like you don’t want me around. I’d rather go tha
n feel that.” He didn’t let go of her hand.
“I believed Will was gone when we were in there. But, back here, it’s as if he’s still staring at me from his house. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.” Beth sobbed and leaned against his chest.
“Not that it’s stupid, but he’s gone and I’m here for as long as you want me to be.”
She sat next to him and bit her thumbnail.
“I want you more than anything, but something happened when I thought I died. Something I need to tell you about.”
“What?” Greg sat there waiting for her to open up.
“I heard the machine stop. I was dead … and Jeff was there. I wanted to die, I wanted to go with him. I wanted all the pain to stop.”
He knew from the fact she was still here that he was grateful to Jeff.
“What did he say?”
“He told me he loved me, and to go back to you and the kids.”
“I’m glad you did, but there’s something else, isn’t there? What else aren’t you telling me?”
“Will did things to me and took photos.”
“I know. He showed me. That was the point when I tried to beat the shit out of him and got myself shot. It doesn’t matter to me. You can call the shots about what we do, from here on. If we can’t be together physically, then so be it. I just want you.”
She looked up at him and then hugged him, and Greg put his arm around her.
“I feel so violated. I don’t remember anything but know he touched me when I was unconscious. For now, I just want to have you hold me, and know you’re there. I don’t think I could cope with anything else.”
“That’s fine.”
After the empty nights, he had spent in this bed, it was like a dream to have Beth here again. If she just wanted to hold him for however long it took, he was okay with that.
She pulled away and gazed at him.
“Greg. I’ve been thinking this place isn’t big enough for us all. What do you think about moving?”
“If it’s what you want. It’s fine with me. I don’t care where I am, as long as I am with you.”
“The only thing is, this is where the kids grew up with Jeff. Plus, I don’t have much money, and what I do have is tied up in the business. Maybe I’m just overreacting—like you said, he’s gone now.”
“It would be a great new start for all of us. The money isn’t a problem. I have an inheritance I’ve never claimed, but if we are going to have a new go at things, I have to deal with my past. When we’re both well enough, I’ll take you to where I grew up, but for now just try and sleep and heal. It’s what we both need.”
Greg listened until her breathing became steady. He was tired, but sleep wouldn’t come, as he knew what he would eventually have to face.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Three months had passed since the night he said he would do this. Now, he wasn’t so sure it was a good idea. In fact, he was sure it was shit. Beth kept wringing her hands. He was stupid to bring her back near Gawler. He was just thinking of himself.
Beth’s voice broke into his thoughts.
“You don’t have to do this. Not for me. We can turn around,” Beth said.
Greg pulled over.
“Beth. Stop. I killed someone once, and I’m still not sorry. I would’ve killed Will, if I could have. You need to know why I’m the man I am, if we’re to stay together. Most people aren’t like me: I’m fucked up. We survived Will, and what happened, but I can’t go through the rest of my life knowing I could explode again. I need to deal with it if we’re to be together.”
She kissed him.
“Okay, then we’ll get through this together,” she said.
Greg had phoned ahead and spoken to John, the farm manager. He seemed a decent bloke, though a bit surprised to hear the owner was at long last coming to pay a visit. Greg knew the bank account from the farm was good. He had rarely taken any money, and John had managed it well.
Pulling up out front of the farmhouse, he fought back the bile in his throat. He remembered walking up the path to the front door after school. His knuckles were white on the steering wheel. He never panicked, but at this moment he wanted to run. Beth held his door open.
“I saw the curtains move. They know we’re here. It would be rude if we don’t go in.” Beth touched his arm.
The house would be all right. He could manage that. Beth rang the doorbell. He couldn’t even get himself to touch it. John and his wife were down to earth, hardworking people who seemed glad to eventually meet the mysterious owner.
John wanted to buy the property, but didn’t have the capital. Greg enjoyed the look on John’s face when he said they could come to some sort of arrangement. They would see the solicitor in the next few weeks, and sort something out. He would give him an interest-free loan, and he could pay it back in installments. Some good had to come from all this.
They were polite and never asked about the past, though they would surely know his history. Everyone in town did. They would also know about what happened at Will’s aunt’s place, or they would piece it together.
“Do you mind if I go out to the shed by the chook pen?”
“This place is still yours. You don’t need to ask,” John answered.
“I have one request. I’d like to burn the shed down?”
John nodded. “It’s not fire season, and I have a hose down there if it gets a bit wild.”
Walking toward the shed, Greg’s body went cold and his gut clenched. He was the young boy all over again. He stood by the door of the shed, unable to take the next step. His body was frozen to the spot. Had he come this far only to fail?
Beth took his hand. “I’m here for you.”
He lifted the latch and pulled the door open. It smelled musty. John said they never used it, because it was where they had found his aunt hanging.
There was a half-finished rocking horse in the corner. Dusty with time, it lay covered with cobwebs like the rest of the shed. Rusting tools were scattered on the workbench on one side and planks of wood were resting up against the far wall. The lathe was whitened with dust. In the center of the room was a completed horse. It was about three foot in height and palomino colored. Any kid would have loved it. Any kid who had not been tortured on it, that is.
“I was eight years old when he first tied me down. I’d joined the scouts that day and was so excited, and he said he would help me with my knots. I thought I was the luckiest kid around because my uncle made rocking horses, and my mates all had one in their homes.”
Beth stood by the door as he walked over to the rocking horse. She didn’t follow him and he was glad. He expected her to run by the end of this for sure. She would understand once and for all how soiled he was. Where would he go, then?
“At first, he would just tie me up and touch me, but I was still dressed. I cried and yelled at him, but he tied the knots tighter. I was just a kid and so afraid.” Greg looked over at Beth, who was staring at the toy. She said nothing. What could she say? What could anyone say?
“Mum and Dad worked long hours. They didn’t like being around each other, and my aunt and uncle looked after us after school. I said I would tell my parents, and he said they already knew. He also said he’d start on Trudy, if I didn’t do what he wanted. I knew he meant it. He was good at hurting you where bruises don’t show, he said my grandfather had been a good teacher.”
“You didn’t believe him about your parents, did you?”
“I told Mum I didn’t want to go there anymore. That I didn’t like Uncle Fred, and he scared me. She said he told her he loved me like a son, and he would leave the farm to me, as he and my aunt couldn’t have kids. My parents didn’t have much money and she told me to be quiet and be grateful. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she didn’t know. Dad didn’t want us to go there, but he was away all the time. When he was home, we didn’t have to go.”
Greg walked over to one of the shelves: the ropes were still there. He
picked one of them up. He could feel the anger rising and he walked over to Beth and shoved the rope under her nose.
“Do you see this? He tied my hands around the neck of the horse with it. Then he split my legs and tied them down. I cried out the first time he shoved a hammer handle in me, after that I wouldn’t let him know how it hurt. By the time I was ten, he did it himself. I also realized we were watched. My aunt was there in the corner.” Beth went to move toward him but he shook his head, causing her to move back against the door.
“Mum wouldn’t listen, and Dad kept saying he owed his brother so much money. I never told them the truth. I was scared he would start on Trudy. I had no reason to doubt him. School said I was a mess and a troublemaker. I nearly told one teacher, but his wife lost her baby that day, and he didn’t come back.”
Greg picked up a hammer.
“When I was twelve I wouldn’t play his games anymore. Mum and Dad couldn’t cope with me, nor could the local police. I got sent to boarding school. I loved it. There was nothing there that was connected with home. At the holidays, I stayed with my Gran in Adelaide. I left in year ten and started my apprenticeship. I fought, fucked, and drank hard. Dad died when I was twenty-one. I never lived at home after I was twelve, apart from holidays. The funeral was the first time I had seen my uncle in years.”
Greg turned around and took a swing at the horse, smashing its head with the hammer, and after another four swipes it hung sideways. He threw the hammer away.
“That day, he came over to me after we put Dad in the ground. He had the nerve to tell me he missed our times together and that when he died, the farm would be mine. I said I didn’t want it. He said it wasn’t a matter of choice, but was a matter of payment for services rendered. Dad didn’t have to deal with their grandfather, so Uncle Fred had gotten the farm. Trudy had been left free, so I got the farm and the money. I told him to go fuck himself because no one else would want to. He said there was another more deserving than me.”
Beth wiped her tears away on the cuff of her jacket. He didn’t deserve her tears.