Her shock only lasts a moment because in the next instant she is by my side and grabs me by the shoulders. “What happened?” She asks alarmed. But I am unable to speak. I can hardly stand on my own legs, my entire body trembles. “A566,” I blurt out breathlessly.
I do not need to say any more. A350 immediately understands. But unlike I would have expected of her, she does not lunge to arrest A566, but instead she pulls me into her arms. My head rests on her shoulders. She rubs her hand on my bald head. I start to cry. My whole body trembles. A350 captures not only my tears, but also me. She pulls me so close to her that I have the feeling that we are merging. She sucks my sorrow into herself. While we embrace, I see a security guard escorting A566 away. I do not know how long we remain in this position, but I’m only in a speaking position when we find ourselves in A350’s room and she pushes a cup of steaming tea into my hands. I would have never given her credit for being so caring and empathetic. Her behavior convinces me that she is the only person I can trust. There is nothing I could do to lose her protection. I can see it in her eyes and on her hands, which no longer want to let me go. Therefore I tell her the truth. I tell her everything. I tell her about each prohibited visit to the safety zone. I leave out nothing. She listens without reply. I can see her eyes flash from frustration to anger. As I finish, she is silent for a moment and looks at the floor. Her hand continues to stroke my back soothingly. Only when she raises her eyes again does she let her hand fall.
“Why did you not ask me for help? Why did you go to A566?” Obviously it hurt her that I did not trust her.
“Are you serious? You voted to kill Finn and you voted for the attack on the rebels. You’ve done everything to kill the people who are close to my heart.”
I no longer think about my words and just speak about what has been bothering me for a long time. That’s the real reason I could never completely trust her. But now I know that she would never do anything that would harm me.
She reaches for my hand. “I know and it would be a lie if I said I regret my decisions. But I realize that there is not always just right and wrong. Sometimes there is also a middle ground and I know that you will find it.”
13. Z318
Ever since A566 attacked me in the elevator, I constantly feel as though I am under observation. I am afraid to go anywhere by myself. It’s not that I’m afraid he might try to attack me again, but rather that I do not want to look at his smug face. I am ashamed of him and I don’t know why. While I did escape him with my own strength, it was a very close fight. It hurts that I basically knew he was not to be trusted and yet still relied on him. I feel this is insanely stupid and naïve. He even said that he thinks of me as a weak girl. I want to cry, but ever since A350 found me, not a tear has left my eyes. A350 reported the incident to the other Legion commanders and recommended that A566 be reduced in rank and punished, but I could not stop her. Surely the investigation will reveal all the things I relied on A566 for and then I would be punished as well.
But I am glad that Asha again lives with me, this time with A350’s official permission. I have told Asha nothing of my encounter with A566, so as to not frighten her further, it does feel great to feel her close by and to not be alone. We do not speak to each other much, but that’s fine. It’s enough for me to be able to see her and smile. That way I know she is okay.
Since the attack, I have been unable to see Finn or Zoe. I am almost trapped in the Legion commander’s sphere. My only chance to see them is through the surveillance cameras in the control room. It’s hard to see Finn, as he works most of the day. Even now I’m staring at the monitor of his deserted room. I would give anything right now for a hug from him, but even if her were here in front of me, I know he would not do so. Right now I am finding it hard not to give up home and continue to believe that he will remember me.
I let my fingers glide over the names on the control board. Each resident is listed. The board starts with the A-Class and ends with the F classification for toddlers, who do not have their own rooms, but instead sleep in a common room. I falter, because F is not the last letter n the control board. Instead, located just past F is a listing that says, “Z318.” I do not understand this. What does Z mean? I know the outcasts are sometimes referred to as G Class, but I have never heard of the Z Class. Curious, I press the button and stare transfixed at the screen in front of me. It’s an image of one of the cells in the sickbay; I recognize its sparse furnishings. In the right corner of the room sits a woman who appears to be a third generation resident. She rocks back and forth ceaselessly and seems to be singing a song, her lips are moving in the way they do when one sings. Not only is her behavior odd, but so is her appearance. She’s probably the only person in the whole Legion with long hair. Wait, some of her scalp shows through, as though she pulled her hair out or it was plucked out. I cannot see the color of her eyes, but I would bet that they are not the same light blue as everyone else’s. What kind of person would ignore the Legion’s rules to this level?
I hear a throat clearing behind me and I turn around scared, but breath relieved when I see it’s only A350. She stares slightly annoyed at the screen in front of me.
“Who is that?” I immediately ask, curious.
“Z318,” is all she says.
“What does the Z stand for?”
“Z is for enemies of the Legion,” she replies shortly. Obviously she is not in the mood to tell me much, but I’m not going to let her leave without learning more.
“Why is she an enemy of the Legion?”
“Because she attacked us.”
“Finn also attacked the Legion and yet he never received a Z classification. What’s different about her?”
“The operation did not work on her. She never lost her memories, even though she wanted to make us believe that for some time.”
“But I thought you never tried the operation on a human being.”
“Never successfully,” A350 said, annoyed. A350 switches the camera view to an angle outside of the Legion. Obviously this was to be a sign that the conversation is over, but it isn’t for me.
“Why was she not subsequently killed?”
A350 casts me a disgruntled look. “I’ve told you several times already. The Legion is not as cruel as you apparently still believe. We do not kill people indiscriminately.”
I remember the other hostages and the terrible image of their bodies. At first I was convinced that it was the Legion that shot them in cold blood, but instead, it was the rebels. Unfortunately I could never ask Finn about it, even now.
“How long has she been here?”
“About a year,” A350 shrugs her shoulders, as if she doesn’t remember exactly when she became a prisoner. A year, that’s about how long Zoe has been here.
“She is an outcast?”
“Not any longer. Now she is just Z318 and will remain so forever.”
This makes me think. A year ago Zoe was kidnapped by the Legion in an attack, while her and Finn’s parents and Grace’s husband died. What if they were wrong? What if not all of them died? Like Zoe didn’t die. I never saw any graves when I was with the rebels. Is it possible they never found their bodies? Is there a chance that Z318 is really Maggie, Zoe and Finn’s mother?
I know it would be useless to ask A350 because she would only say that there are no mothers and fathers in the Legion. Instead, looking at the exterior shot on the monitor reminds me of another question. What about the sightings? It seemed like they were hiding something from me. I stare transfixed at the screen. Only red desert, as far as the eye can see, but maybe there’s more out there.
“During the last conference, one of the top fighters mentioned something about a sighting.”
A350 sighs annoyed. “Why can’t I ever share good news with you? Instead you ask me one question after the other. When will you finally stop distrusting me and the Legion?”
I hesitate. Do I continue to ask about the sightings or do I give in to my curiosity and inquire ab
out the good news? Is it about Finn? Does he remember? But would she call that good news? Probably not. Perhaps it is about A566 and his penalty. I decide to suspend my inquiry about the sightings. After all, I can watch the monitors and figure it out or just ask A350 again and the earliest opportunity.
“All right, I give up. What is the good news?”
A350 smiles, satisfied. “Come, I will show you myself.”
Now I’m curious. Excited, I follow her out into the hall until we stand in front of the elevator. Is there something in the safety zone? Have the residents been awarded the ability to eat normal food?
“Put your thumb on the sensor,” A350 prompts me cheerfully. At first I want to protest, but then I realize what she means by the good news. I quickly put my thumb on the cool glass box of the sensor which switches from red to green immediately. As if by magic, the doors slide open in front of me and grant me entry into the elevator. I finally have permission to open any door in the Legion. I am no longer dependent on the help of others.
Overcome with emotion, I hug A350 around her neck. “Thank you! How did you manage this?”
“I committed myself to you. It was about time you received permission. Now you just need the microchip behind your ear. It’s a short procedure. You’ll hardly notice.”
I’m not sure if I want to get a microchip implanted. But if I really want to be one of them, I have to have it. It’s not as though the Legion would be able to read my mind with it. It would just put me in constant contact with the other commanders. I would be able to hear them in my head like my own thoughts. I am ready to jump in the elevator to see Zoe or Finn, but A350 is holding onto my arm.
“Being a Legion commander is not a game,” she tells me and I understand what she means. Just because I now have permission to open any door, I cannot spend all my time in the safety zone or the sickbay. I have tasks to complete just like everyone else. Insightfully I step out of the elevator. “What do I do?” I ask A350. I still have a lot to learn about being a Legion commander.
In the evening, I lie on my bed restlessly and cannot sleep. Now that I know I can visit Finn whenever I want, the desire is just too strong. When I knew there was no way to see him it was easier to sleep. All day long I’ve been back and forth on whether I should dare try to visit him or not. Contrary to A566, I do not know how to manipulate the camera. I do not want to abuse A350’s confidence. Surely it was not easy for her to persuade the other Legion commanders to grant me permission to open all of the doors. Wanting to see Finn is like an addiction. I can think of nothing else.
I quickly slide out of bed. I’m already in my nightgown, so I slip into my boots. Once I am at the door, I look back at the bed. Asha is sitting upright and looks at me.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to see Finn. But do not worry, I will not stay long.”
“Are you going to seek A566’s help?” She asks anxiously.
Quickly I shake my head. “No, I do not need him.”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “They gave you permission to open all of the doors?”
I nod toward her, smiling, before I quietly sneak out the door. When I put my finger on the elevator sensor, I still cannot believe that the doors actually open. It seems like a trick or some kind of oversight. It’s incredible that I’ve really managed to become a proper Legion commander. I dreamed of this ever since I was a child. Even if it looks like this is a cover to help the rebels in their victory. Of course I will help the rebels, but I would never destroy the Legion. I take my job as a Legion commander seriously and that means the safety of all the residents are as important to me as the rebels. There is so much I want to change. It will be long and hard, but every journey begins with a single step and I have already achieved a small goal with the introduction of the common food distribution system.
The elevator comes to a stop and I step out into the deserted atrium. At night it is a place of rest. Each step echoes off the high walls. Though at night, the false images of forests, beaches, and towns of old Earth are turned off, I do have to concede that the atrium has a particular beauty. There are no windows, but the high walls make you feel trapped. When I look up at the ceiling, the feeling is like looking at the stars. The great distance makes you aware of just how tiny a role you play in the world. Our world revolves around the Legions, while there has to be so much more outside of it, we don’t not know what happened to other countries and continents. No one knows how much radioactivity there still is or if there are any survivors. Any contact was broken off long ago. It’s almost like the early Earth when they believed the earth was flat.
I stop at Finn’s door. He sleeps so peacefully and I will be angry if I wake him. But even if he yells at me, I will feel better. His rage and his anger at me earlier does not deter me falling in love with him.
Once the red light of the sensor turns green, the door to his room slides open and I’m surprised to see Finn sitting on his bed awake. He must not have gone to bed yet because otherwise it would be impossible for him to wake up before the allotted time. That is, if someone doesn’t wake him up.
He looks thoughtful and almost desperate, but when his eyes see me, they darken immediately. I enter quietly, but do not dare look closely at him. The doors close just behind my back.
“What do you want?” Finn asks me, a hostile tone in his voice.
I don’t know. I wanted to just see him, but he would not understand. If he were still the old Finn, the Finn who remembers me, I would tell him about the attack. He would build me and give me back my strength. And after that, he would kill A566.
But Finn is no longer the man he once was. Perhaps he never will be again. This new Finn does not understand feelings or fears. This new Finn does not care for me at all.
“Are you dumb or what?” He barks out to me while I stand with bowed head on his doorstep. Maybe it was not a good idea to come see him. Maybe it would have been a better choice to see Zoe. She’s a girl; she would have understood me better anyway. But it hurts that I’m afraid I may have lost Finn forever.
Although I no longer want to cry, the tears run free and this time I do not try to hold them back. I let them run wild, because if I do not, I will start to sob.
Finn looks at me suspiciously, the frown lines on his forehead slowly disappear. “Why are you doing this?” He asks blankly.
“Because I’m sorry,” I reply simply and finally dare to approach a few steps toward him.
“Will you feel better if you cry?”
Unintentionally I start to laugh. These words could have come from the old Finn. He was never a friend of tears; he was always a man of action. He would prefer to struggle until he collapsed.
“No,” I confess honestly. “But I do feel a bit relieved.”
I feel that the atmosphere is not quite as tense as usual and dare to sit down beside him on the bed. He slips away from me, but he doesn’t chase me away either.
“Why are you sad?”
I wonder if he’s really interested or is just plain curious, but mainly, I’m happy that he’s talking to me. “Someone hurt me.”
Finn nods sympathetically. “I know the feeling.”
Astonished, I stare at him. “Who hurt you?”
The answer seems to discomfort him because he presses his hands thoughtfully together and looks away from me.
“To be honest, it’s you that hurts me.”
Horrified, I tear open my eyes. He cannot possibly be serious.
“How do you mean?”
He looks me in the eye again. His anger has disappeared and given way to despair. “You come to me constantly and tell me to remember things that are foreign to me, as though they come from someone else’s life. Every time I see how important this other person must have been to you. You strongly believe that I am this person, but I disappoint you time and again. I do not enjoy disappointing you. I feel pressured to remember, but even if I did, it would only cause problems. Everything you tell me is prohibited.
The rebels are dangerous and feelings are alien to me. I really wish you’d stop it.”
My face is frozen. For the first time he is talking to me in a normal tone without yelling or reproaching me. I recognize that he is serious and I would like to fulfill his wish, but if I were to stop, he might never remember anything. However, if I go on, I might not only lose the old, but the new Finn forever. I do not know how to answer him, but a response does not seem important to him right now as he suddenly rubs his eyes. “I’m tired,” he confesses to me and lies down beside me in the bed. It is a note for me to leave now, but I do not want to. I would never leave him.
“Would you mind if I lie down next to you? Only for a while,” I ask him. He looks at me hesitantly opposed, but then he nods and therefore agrees. This new Finn is not even half as numb as I thought.
When I lie down next to him in the narrow bed and our bodies touch, comforting goose bumps break out all over my body. I can feel his breathing and almost feel his heartbeat. Although he cannot remember me, I’m close to him now. He’s not a bad person, even without his memories.
I turn to face him and look into his eyes, which glow with a blue light, just like my own. Although it is neither his nor my natural eye color, I look past this to see the good in his heart. It’s good that he does not turn his eyes from me. We could always communicate with each other without words. Eyes often tell so much more than we can with our mouths. He takes me in his arms, but is not trying to comfort me. I feel stronger with him than without him.
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