In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  When I made it to the shore, he was already walking up the sand with his board under his arm. He was leaving.

  “Luke!” I called out as I ran after him, pausing just long enough to untie the leash from my ankle so I could drop my board on the sand. “Wait. Please.”

  He stopped and turned with a sigh. “Listen, I don’t know what your problem is right now, but I’ve got my own shit to deal with. I don’t need some kid with daddy issues using me because the boy she’s been pining for is hanging out with another girl. I was trying to be nice. Hell, I even thought we were friends, which was stupid considering our age difference, but we get along, so I ignored the warnings from everyone telling me it was a bad idea to hang out with an eighteen-year-old girl. But you didn’t seem eighteen to me, and I liked hanging out. But seriously, I can’t get involved with your drama. What the fuck was that, Dawn? Who the fuck goes under the water and just lets themselves sink? That’s fucked. Why would you do that to me?”

  A lump had formed in my throat as he ranted at me. Every point he made hit me with almost targeted precision to my very core. He knew me. He knew me so well that he knew how to hurt me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to hurt me so harshly. He’d been nothing but nice to me in a town full of people who judged me constantly. He was one of the few people who understood what that felt like and had gotten to know me for me. Why…why was he using that all against me now? Daddy issues? Pining for a boy? Some kid? Had he always felt that way? Had he ever really wanted to be my friend at all?

  Everything was falling apart. Everything was a mess. Luke was the last good thing in my life. I had never felt panic more than I felt it in that moment. I needed him. I needed his friendship, and I was petrified that my one moment of madness when I’d stayed under the water for a beat too long had scared him away for good. I needed to fix this. I needed to explain…

  “I’m sorry, Luke. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I just…I just let the quiet surround me. I’ve been stressing out because my dad cut us off since I’m eighteen now, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go to Uni now without his support. So when you told me to get a wetsuit like it was no big deal. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t afford one. I didn’t want to admit that we were poor now.”

  He looked at me for a moment, his green eyes intense as his brow furrowed and he thought over my response. “Money? That’s what you’re upset about?” I nodded. “Jesus, Dawn. Who gives a fuck if you don’t have money anymore? Do you think I have cash to throw around? Life is hard and most of us live week to week. Listen, it sucks that your dad isn’t going to pay for Uni, but it isn’t the end of the world. Get a job; get government assistance so you can still go to school. Sell some of the shit you don’t use on eBay. There are ways around it. Just…” His eyes scanned me up and down as he shook his head. “Just grow up.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but honestly I didn’t have any words. For the first time since I’d known Luke, he treated me like a child, and honestly, he made me feel like one too. He made me feel like a spoiled brat, a dramatic teenager – a selfish bitch. I couldn’t believe he threw my feelings toward Zeke and the fact my dad had left in my face the way he did. That hurt. It hurt a lot.

  With a shake of his head, he turned around and walked away, and the moment he was far enough up the beach, I turned away and dropped down onto the sand with a distressed gasp. His flippant reaction and anger toward my situation had felt like a punch in the gut. I honestly thought that once I’d come clean, he would have understood. But instead, he put me in my place, and regardless of whether he spoke the truth or not, I felt about two inches tall because of it.

  Tears of self-pity burned in my eyes as I watched the sun meander its way up past the horizon and into its resting point in the early morning sky and thought about my sorry life. Watching the sunrise, I was reminded of Luke’s earlier comment about the sun always rising and the world always turning, and I also remembered how my mother had promised she’d take care of things promptly before spiralling into a drunken mess that I was once again cleaning up, and once again covering for.

  I sat there for a long time with Luke’s words echoing in my mind. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt overwhelmed. I’d been trying so hard to find a way to keep following my original path, hoping things would somehow get better. My focus had stayed on trying to find a solution to make of my dreams still come true. But it wasn’t working. My friendships were all fucked up, my family was fucked up, and as a result, I was fucked up too. I had absolutely no clue what it was I was fighting for anymore. I had no clue what it was I was supposed to do. I was completely and utterly lost. No one wanted me. No one cared what I wanted, or what my dreams were. I had no idea why I was still fighting or why I still cared. None of it mattered. Even I didn’t matter. No one cared enough about me to stick beside me and fight on my behalf – not my parents – not my friends. Why was I trying? What was the fucking point? What was the fucking point?

  Pressing my palms against my eyes, I cried into my hands, already knowing the answer.

  There was no point. There was no fucking point at all.

  ***

  Walking back home later than usual, cradling the ache of my self-pity in my chest, I had the unfortunate pleasure of running into a few of the Wannabes as they carried their surfboards toward the water. They were always late surfers and spent the day on the beach with the Sunshine Barbies – it was part of the reason I liked going early. I could avoid seeing them completely if I timed things right.

  “Hey Dawn,” one of them yelled out. Stupidly, I turned at my name just in time to see Dan grab his cock through his shorts as he made a kiss noise at me. Scott Jennings clapped him on the back as he laughed and looked at me with uncaring eyes.

  As the others continued to cackle, I turned away and hurried off, trying to stop myself from getting upset. I didn’t want them to see that they could hurt me. I was at my lowest point mentally, and I couldn’t face their jibes at that point.

  By the time I got home, I’d managed to calm myself down. It was after nine, and when I walked up the street, I could see Zeke sitting on the front step waiting for me. In his hand was the mail, and as I drew nearer, he held up two envelopes that I was pretty sure held our exam results. They were the last thing I cared about. Knowing I got good enough grades for my top school choice would just compound the feeling of hopelessness I already had going on. I didn’t want to face that knowledge, but I also didn’t want to face telling Zeke everything that was going on. I’d already had Luke throw all of my upset in my face. I didn’t need Zeke making light of my situation as well.

  So, as I approached, I fixed a smile on my face and tried to act casual.

  “I thought we should open these together.” He didn’t say anything about the surfboard under my arm, but I saw his eyes moving over me, taking everything in. “Nice to see you’re feeling better.”

  The way he said it told me that he knew I’d been full of shit lately, and I could hear the tightness in his voice. It made me realise that by focusing only on how I was feeling, I’d been shutting him out of my life. I didn’t know if that was a good thing, or even if time away from Zeke was something I actually wanted. But when I looked into his eyes and saw that he was hurt, I felt a pang of guilt and wondered if perhaps I really was being a spoilt brat like Luke insinuated.

  The only thing I really knew for sure was that I felt like absolute shit.

  “Come on in,” I said, propping the board up against the wall in the entryway before kicking off my slip ons and heading into the kitchen barefoot. It was already quite warm and the cool of the granite tiles felt good beneath my feet. I took out a glass then looked back at Zeke. “Water?”

  “I’m fine thanks.” I filled my glass and drank thirstily, still feeling awful about my fight with Luke plus my run in with the Wannabes – they were such arseholes.

  I didn’t know if I was capable of any more confrontation, but knew it was coming as I
watched Zeke drop the mail on the table as if he didn’t even care about his exam results when I knew he did.

  He turned to me. “Since when did you start surfing again?”

  I shrugged. “Since the bonfire, I guess. It’s no big deal.”

  “It is if you’re well enough to go surfing but not well enough to talk to your friends. What’s going on with you, Dawn? Is it because I’ve been hanging out with Shea? Because if it is, I don’t know what to say. You’re the one who suggested she do the course with me. And it’s not like I’m dating her. If anything, she spends most of her time talking about you.”

  I didn’t want to know what he and Shea did together.

  “It’s got nothing to do with Shea.”

  He walked back into the kitchen and stood in front of me, his dark eyes looking down at me intently. “Is it because of what happened up at the lookout?”

  My stomach twisted slightly, and I shifted on my feet. “Partly. I…I feel awkward about it. Embarrassed. I…I’m still a…I’ve never…” I hated admitting something I was fairly sure he knew. But, the way he looked at me made me feel the need to explain. “I’m still a virgin, Zeke. I wasn’t ready for where that was going. And honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for where that was going.”

  Slowly he let out his breath, his eyes looking genuinely surprised by my admission. “Jesus, Dawn. I didn’t realise. I’m sorry. I never would have done that if…Shit.” He shook his head apologetically, and I wondered how the person who was supposed to be my best friend didn’t realise that I was still a virgin. When had he seen me dating someone? He knew how I felt about hooking up. It’s part of the reason I felt so awful about what was going on with Shea.

  Folding my arms across my chest, I looked down, frowning. “Listen, I get that Shea is all about free love. And maybe you think it’s a pretty sweet idea too. But, when you told me that you wished you’d kissed me, I kind of thought it was about just kissing me and not Shea as well.”

  “It was just a game, Dawn,” he pleaded, reaching his hands out and taking a hold of my upper arms. “And I do want to kiss you. I want to kiss you a lot, actually. But, I have to admit that I’m worried about turning our friendship into a relationship. I think it’s a bad idea to get too serious until we’re sure we can work out, especially since we start Uni soon.”

  I didn’t want to talk about Uni. I didn’t even want to think about it. I just wanted things back the way they were. I wanted to go back to the beginning of the summer and forget all of the awkwardness and upset. It was too much. Honestly, I just wanted someone to hold me.

  “What does all that even mean?” I looked up into his dark eyes, feeling more confused than ever and completely, utterly lost. I wanted to cry. I felt so incredibly alone.

  Lifting his hand, he gently brushed his knuckles against my cheeks. I closed my eyes, craving the touch, craving kindness. Then he leaned down and kissed me. I responded instantly, my mouth opening, my tongue moving as my stomach skittered hopefully while my mind tried to chase all of my horrid thoughts away.

  “All this just means that we keep an open mind and see where our feelings take us, one day at a time.”

  My inexperience and neediness had me nodding, and his knowledge of my attraction to him had him smiling. He had me completely wrapped around his finger. I was so desperate for someone to want me, and I so desperately wanted that someone to be him. It meant that maybe all wasn’t lost after all. Perhaps I was just being overly dramatic the way Luke had said…

  “I have to go. But, can we talk later?”

  He kissed me again and I nodded, my hands struggling to release him as he moved to leave. “Wait, what about your results?”

  He grinned, and I wondered if he had any idea how sad I was, or if he even cared. Did he care about me? “We’ll open them later tonight.” Then he gave me a wink and I opened my mouth to tell him that I already had plans that night. But then my heart sank and I forced a smile as Zeke left and I realised that after my argument with Luke on the beach, movie night would be cancelled. I’d assume it meant we weren’t talking anymore either. I’d assume it meant I had no one to surf with anymore as well.

  Tears sprung to my eyes and my hand dropped to my stomach as it twisted at the thought of my friendship with Luke being over. It felt as though my body physically rebelled against the thought of my world without him in it, and I sat down on the couch, covering my face with my hands and crying anew. I didn’t want it to be over. I didn’t want him to hate me. He was the only person who actually saw me. I couldn’t let that go. The idea of losing his friendship hurt more than his angry words ever could. I knew I’d upset him. I knew he was angry with me. But, I also knew that I had to fix things. He was too important to me.

  17

  “Peace offering?” I held up the DVD and a box of microwave popcorn when Luke opened the door. From the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn’t expecting to see me. I knew that. But I had to try.

  Placing his hand on his face, he raked his fingers over his stubble then slipped outside, closing the front door behind him. He wasn’t going to let me in.

  My stomach dropped, and my eyes pricked.

  He pushed at his hands the way guys do when they’re about to crack their knuckles – one hand fisted as the other pushed against it – but he didn’t produce any sound. It was more like he was wringing his hands in discomfort. I took a step backward, knowing what he was about to say, not really wanting to hear it.

  Clearing his throat, he started. “Listen, I…I really don’t think this is such a great idea anymore.”

  I nodded slowly then forced the lump in my throat away with a swallow. “Which part? The movie night, or our friendship?”

  His hand lifted and ran across his facial hair again. He struggled to meet my eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe both.”

  Blinking rapidly, I tried to keep my calm. “I’m sorry about this morning, Luke. I never meant…”

  “It’s not just that. We’re just…” He pulled at his lip with his teeth and finally met my eyes properly, shaking his head as he looked at me – I mean really looked at me, as if he was seeing all of me, even my soul. “You’re only eighteen, Dawn. This isn’t right.”

  “Why does that have to matter?”

  “Because I’m a thirty-five year old man who is spending way too much time with you.”

  “I thought you liked spending time with me.”

  “I do, Dawn. I like it way too much; I’m almost old enough to be your father.”

  “You’re only thirty-five.”

  “And you’re eighteen, Dawn. Can’t you see what a problem that is?”

  With our eyes locked, I could see the torment swirling in his eyes. I wanted to hug him and shake him at the same time. He was turning me away when I knew he didn’t really want to. I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to be the one who was always there for me no matter what.

  “You’re worried about how it looks, aren’t you?”

  Letting his breath out, he swiped his hands over the top of his head then gripped his neck. “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s a small town. People talk, and I’ve got a son to worry about. I need to think about him before anything else.”

  Looking down at my feet, I slowly nodded, pressing my lips together as I took a calming breath through my nose. I couldn’t argue with that. Luke was the kind of father we all wished we had – one who cared and did what was best for their child. Sam was undoubtedly the most important person in his life, and I couldn’t argue about what was best for him. If Luke saw our friendship as a problem for his son then as much as I hated the idea of not spending time with him, I had to accept it. Sam had lost his mother, and Luke had lost his wife. I didn’t want to make their life harder, even if they made my life better, even if I needed someone too.

  “I’ll go then,” I said finally. “But, you should have these anyway. Maybe you can watch the movies on your own or something.” I held out the DVD and
the box of popcorn, and when he didn’t take it, I placed it on the old wrought iron table that sat on his front porch.

  “I’m sorry, Dawn,” he said as I turned away to leave, and I stopped before I left the enclosed porch and rested my head against the pole that reached up to the roof and was decorated with climbing vines that had wrapped their way around the railings.

  I smiled at him, even though leaving made me feel incredibly sad, lost and lonely. “You know, one thing I’ve learnt living in this town is to ignore what other people think. Fitting in isn’t everything, and sometimes, when you’re different, you manage to find the most unlikely friends. Sometimes they’re older. Sometimes they’re younger. And sometimes they’re the exact same age. Friendship doesn’t seem to care about age much. It’s only people who do. I’m really going to miss you, Luke.” With that, I turned and made my way down the stairs of his home, inhaling the richness of the soil in his garden and the sweetness of the flowers that grew there, and I understood why he always smelled so good.

  I glanced back once and waved, seeing him still standing on the porch watching me leave. Then I walked back home with a heavy heart, fighting tears in my eyes.

  ***

  The sun normally set at around 9pm during the summer, and by the time I had walked from Luke’s house to Beach St, the sky was beginning to change colour.

  “Dawn!”

  Turning at the sound of my name, I saw Shea jump up from within a group of Wannabes and run toward me. I don’t know why – it was her life and she could be friends with whomever she pleased – but I really hated seeing her with them. I turned away and kept walking.

  “Didn’t you hear me call your name?” she asked when she caught up to me.

  “I did. I could see that you were busy.” I turned back and glanced at the Wannabes.

  Looping her arm with mine, she stopped me from walking and turned back to them. “We were just talking. You should join us. They’re actually a lot of fun.”