by Sam Destiny
Though Tessa was grateful, she wasn’t sure blindly trusting Hilary was a good idea. After all, the chick was just as insane sometimes as she was awesome.
December had come faster than Tessa had anticipated, so instead of dwelling on the fact that Jazz didn’t want to see her in the hospital, she decided to go out and do some shopping. Maybe a little decoration, some clothes for Johnny, and gifts if she spotted something she’d like for the girls.
Getting in her car, she paused behind the wheel. She’d called the station and for the next few days they had a replacement for her. She still picked the stories and all, but she’d not act happy behind the mic when she wasn’t.
Sighing, Tessa realized that this still was another thing making her heart heavy. The show was her baby and every day she didn’t lead it, she felt as if it was neglected. However, she just couldn’t, and she wanted Tagged For Life to be a happy show, romantic and positive, giving people hope.
A tiny car, some German brand, pulled into the driveway next to her and Tessa startled as Kristine got out. The young woman looked distraught, and Tessa wasn’t the least bit surprised.
“Get in,” she called out of the window, and Kris followed her order, slipping in. Tessa started the car, giving Jazz’s sister a moment to collect herself.
“He doesn’t want to see us. He refuses, and security kept us out,” she finally stated and Tessa nodded slowly.
“I heard that. I didn’t even try.”
“He was doing so good,” Kris sobbed next to her and she closed her eyes, wondering if the smartest idea would be to just drive around until the other girl had gotten everything off her chest.
The problem was, Tessa was no longer sure if he’d done so well or if he’d just faked it, hiding behind a wall he’d built on an unsteady foundation.
She didn’t voice those worries though.
“He smiled again, and he played his guitar much more, and he ran, and he held Johnny, and now he suddenly doesn’t want to see anyone anymore, not even you. Why? You think that he’ll be… I mean… Tessa, are you gonna fix him?”
Oh God, Tessa wished she could, but she still supported her claim that for once he needed to realize what he wanted, not have people force his luck on him.
“Jazz needs to fix himself, Kristine. We all can push him, talk to him, and encourage him only so much if he keeps doing this. Pulling back from the people that matter. People that moved heaven and hell to be by his side. You switched colleges for exactly that reason. Your mom left everything she knew behind, even though you and I know how hard it is sometimes. We’re young, we’ll find our people, but your mother gave up the house she lived in with your father, a man she’d loved more than life itself even if he left you. I cannot imagine the sacrifice it must’ve been for her. Leaving it behind when it probably holds the only happy memories she has of the time with him.”
“And she didn’t hesitate.”
Tessa had no doubt about that. “Exactly my point. We cannot keep throwing our love at Jazz only to be broken in the process. Let him have a few days or weeks, Kris, let him get his mind back together, and then we’ll see about what’s coming. He cannot avoid you and your mom for long. He lives with you.”
“What about you, Tess? Are you gonna come around?”
Tessa finally opted for parking in front of the mall she’d intended to visit, even though that moment shopping was the last thing on her mind.
“If he wants me to, I’ll be there. No one can help him if he doesn’t want to be helped, Kris. I mean it. And I am a mom. I need to think of my son first and foremost, and though I did spent the last weeks with him and his father, that wasn’t the case before. My nanny raised him more than I did, and I cannot let that happen anymore. No nightly visits because doctors consider it the best for him. No letting him hold me close and then pushing me away as soon as his mind caught up with his heart. I cannot do it.”
By God, she really couldn’t, and hadn’t fully realized it until saying it out loud the way she’d just done.
“Are you saying you’re breaking up with him?” Kris asked, stuttering the words one by one. “You can’t, Tessa. You just can’t!”
“I’m saying I love Jazz, but as much as it maybe wasn’t our time the first time we met, maybe it’s not our time right now, either. Maybe the first time I needed to fix myself, he does this time, and then third time’s a charm, right? When we’re both okay, and both strong, maybe—”
“There’s no better time than now,” Kris insisted angrily and Tessa took a deep breath. She wasn’t surprised Jazz’s sister had held high hopes for her. She wasn’t surprised they wanted her to have the answers, and even less was she surprised by the fact that she’d just crushed every hope the young woman had. She did know though Raphaela would understand. She was a mother, and she probably understood heartbreak better than a girl who’d never gone through it. It was weird how old Tessa suddenly felt, even though just a few years separated her and Kris. Sometimes though love changed the way you saw life—and the other way around.
“Maybe you’re right, but unless Jazz decides he wants us in his life, I won’t be there. I’m sorry.”
It was awkward waiting for Kris’ reaction because her car was at Hilary’s place and Tessa wouldn’t yet go back, but then Kris opened the door, taking the decision from her. She closed it quietly in contrary to what Tess had expected, but she didn’t glance back. Instead Kris wiped tears from her cheeks and kept moving until she reached a bus stop nearby.
Tessa knew she should offer to drive Kris back, but she didn’t. Instead she started the car back up and left the mall parking lot, Monterey, and then the city limits.
“Hey everyone! My name is Hilary and I’m TR’s nanny and friend and house-sharer, and sometimes even her keep-her-saner, meaning without me she’d be a mess. I’m sorry you gotta deal with me today. Promise I won’t turn it into an entire show and you won’t have to listen to the heavy metal I usually favor. However, I am here because I know you guys believe in miracles and I need to produce a Christmas miracle. This is kinda a long monologue now, so bear with me. Side note: I love talking all by myself most of the time, so this is kinda heaven for me. Anyway, TR, or how you by now all know, Tessa, is currently between a rock and a hard place. Her life could be pretty perfect, but alas, it’s not. The guy, Desert Heart, who called into the show to basically tell her he loves her came back from war changed. I know that now a lot of you already have tears in your eyes because you know the drill. Nightmares so bad, you wake up screaming. Flashbacks so real, you knock your best friend out because you’re not really there. Guilt so heavy, you should be lying on the floor because you cannot carry the weight of it. That’s TR’s guy for all of you, people. She’s been through weeks of getting him out of his horrors, of holding him until he had his grip on reality back somewhat, of promising him that things will be okay. She also has been through weeks of him refusing to see her and her son, yet needing her when he was in that weird state between sleeping and waking. If you think it’s bad for her, you shouldn’t even try to imagine how it must be for him. Just seeing it breaks my heart—and TR completely. However, after months of struggles he seemed to be better, only to get knocked back down. TR’s sweetheart doesn’t think he deserves happiness or friends, and frankly, no one’s really sure what had happened that dreadful day on his deployment. So… I’m looking for people who served with Corporal Jesse Connor on deployment for the last ten months or less.
“You’ve been overseas with a guy with that name? A soldier with dark hair and striking blue eyes? A mechanic with a heart of gold that always put his duty above everything else, thus leaving behind TR when his country needed him? I know that he spoke about her in what he refers to as hell, so if anyone comes to mind telling you about his girl Tessa from the other side of the pond, please contact me. We need to talk. I need to know what happened. I need to know if he killed his comrades the way he thinks or not. I just need to know… no matter which way. Calm a girl’s
heart. Email us, call us, just let us know, because we cannot believe that Jesse, who always put his comrades first, would betray them just to get back home. That said, I’m handing the mic back to someone more able and will go home to TR, hoping that we can make our girl happy again by finding someone to solve the mystery of Desert Heart’s hell. This was Hilary, nanny, friend, happy-end-lover. I wish you all happy holidays and may your love be near.”
A week had passed since the attack on Jazz, and therefore a week since Tessa had seen him. She’d kept busy with decorations around the house, meal planning for the Christmas dinners—since for whatever weird reason Hilary suddenly had forgotten how to actually cook—and taking care of her son.
Every step of the way, her heart longed for Jazz and she fell asleep crying most of the nights. However, he hadn’t called her and she had stayed true to her promise of leaving him alone.
He’d moved back to the house, that much she knew, and only because Kris had moved out during that time.
Tessa still couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that Jesse managed to live in a house with his mother and sister and yet avoided to look at them, talk to them, or even acknowledge them. She knew it was self-punishment of sorts, but it still made her wonder if he realized how much he was actually hurting his family. Needless to say, it had caused his sister to forgive Tessa for not wanting to run after Jazz any longer.
“He’s blind to everything,” Kris snapped, and Tessa realized that she’d actually said the hurting the family part out loud.
“You need to be more patient with him, Kris,” Tessa gave back, surprised that the three-girl-household actually worked so well. Then again, Tessa was mostly busy with the boy, Hilary had started to volunteer around the neighborhood to guarantee people a good Christmas, and Kristine had her studies to get done before she was done with school for winter break.
“I do? I have been patient with him forever. I know he’s been through hell and back, but Tessa, doesn’t he see that this won’t make him any better? You did! You made him better!”
It was hard finding the right words to tell Jazz’s sister, a person who sometimes was wise beyond her years and yet, during other moments, a girl, stubborn and heartbroken, to not expect miracles.
That day she was just a girl hoping someone else would be able to fix her world for her, and suddenly Tessa felt ancient. Getting up from where she’d sat staring at her computer screen and hundreds of mails she hadn’t even started to read, she went over and hugged Kris. It didn’t take long and she felt the other woman shake with sobs.
“I hate the army. I always have. They tear apart families, and did it to ours, too, when Jazz moved half way across the country to serve. He always promised to come back, but he barely ever did. Jesus, Tess, just listening to your show makes it obvious how much heartache soldiers go through. And the people they love… being back here, never knowing for sure they are alive! I remember when we found out Jazz was hurt we were terrified. And now this. We don’t deserve this.”
Tessa had half a mind to tell Kris she was acting like a spoiled brat when the doorbell rang and she sighed. “Expecting anyone?” she asked and Kris shook her head. Johnny was in playpen, grabbing onto things and basically putting them in his mouth until they were dripping. For now though he was quiet and that was what mattered to her.
Crossing through the living room and opening the door after entering the hallway, she found Tank in front of it.
“What is going on today?”
“I need to talk to you,” he stated, pushing past her into the house.
“Come on in, why don’t you? Honestly, just barrel right in. I’m not busy or anything,” she snapped and then followed him, finding him in the living room next to the playpen. He had reached inside, offering her son his hand.
Since he was in his uniform, the nice mossy green one that always reminded her of the day Jazz had left, she assumed he’d come straight from the base. Checking her watch, she realized he technically shouldn’t be done yet.
“Why are you here? Your shift won’t end until five.” They’d been over that quite a bit in the beginning after she’d come back to the US, because a lot of times he’d rushed to her and Hilary’s house just because he had thought it was what Jazz would’ve wanted.
“Turn on the computer,” he just told her and she placed her hands on her hips, glaring at the back of his head since he didn’t look at her.
“Tank, I think you know Kristine?” In fact, she was sure about it, but since Tank just had ignored the sobbing girl by the table, she figured she’d make him aware of her.
“I do. Turn on the computer.”
“It is on,” she fussed, crossing her arms in front of her body.
“Go to any social media,” he ordered and she huffed her cheeks.
“Need me to check out your newest one-hit-wonder? Because I don’t have time.” In contrary to her words though she found herself moving toward her laptop, opening the first one that came to mind, even though she hadn’t been online in months.
“And now?”
Kris was watching her with a calculating expression, clearly curious as to what they’d find.
“Search bar, type in hashtag ‘desert heart miracle’ and search for it.”
Tessa’s heart was racing in her chest, the blood rushing in her ears while she waited for the website to show what exactly they’d be searching for. There were thousands of posts mentioning not only that hashtag, but also the name of her show.
“What in the world is going on?” she wondered, standing so she’d see Jazz’s best friend.
“Read a post. Or two. Just for fun. And then, after you did this, think about the fact that it’s all over on every social media side. The US Army took note of it because people are sharing hero stories under those hashtags, and love stories. Guys sign up for the military because they want to honor our country the way Jazz and his comrades did. I was sent do ask you to return to the base with me and talk to some of our superiors, if you’re up for it.”
Her head was swimming. “Me? What for?”
“Tagged For Life is your show,” he explained, and finally she found him looking at her while Kris drew the laptop closer, starting to read.
“So? I am not even sure what the hashtags mean. I know Jazz is… was Desert Heart, but honestly—”
“…need to find his comrades to make sure he remembers whatever happens correctly. Make two people happy and share that post and comment to make it go viral,” Kris read out, then mumbled as she obviously skipped over some things before continuing, “The heart-wrenching love declaration already had reached thousands back when Corporal Connor still had been away in his hell, yet now the couple is back on the same continent and his hurtful memories keep them apart. Can you shed light on what happened during the deployment? Contact TR at Tagged For Life’s email…” More muttering followed and Tessa had a sinking suspicion about what was going on.
“They are looking for people to confirm Jazz’s memories? Betty did that. We know how that day went down,” she whispered, shaking her head. Whatever was going on, she knew that it wouldn’t help Jesse in any way. But at least it explained all of the emails she’d received.
“They are looking for someone to shed light on the whole thing and take the guilt from Jazz. My superiors though want to talk to you to thank you and… actually, I don’t know what else. I wasn’t really informed. They just knew that I know you, and therefore sent me.”
“I didn’t do that, no matter if it’s my show or not,” she defended herself while Kris started sobbing again in front of her. “What now?” she half snapped, realizing she felt overwhelmed.
“So many love stories. So many encouraging words. So many people hoping you two will get happy. So. Many. People. Hurting.”
God, Tessa wanted to read those posts as much as she wished they’d never popped up.
“It didn’t matter that you didn’t ask for it. You’re Jazz’s girl, and you’re the woman—”
<
br /> Johnny finally started screaming then, probably being tired of not getting his mother’s attention. He maybe he was hungry. Whatever it was, she was grateful for it.
“I’m sorry, Tank. Tell your superiors I appreciate the thought, but that I can’t deal with it. And tell them that currently Jazz is not my anything. If they follow this whole thing, which I assume, they know he is actually not even himself. I’m just… I don’t want any of this.” She made a sweeping gesture toward the laptop and all the comments. “I want Jazz to be okay, and nothing else. So whatever they want, they need to take it up with him,” she finished.
She grabbed her son and kissed his forehead.
“You’re an army woman, Tess,” Tank whispered and she closed her eyes, feeling Kris’s eyes on her, too.
“I’m not. I’m a girl that came from far away, has a son, and a broken man somewhere in this town. Just…”
“He’ll come around again,” Tank surprised her by saying.
“You’re words in the ears of whoever can fulfill wishes,” she replied.
“Tess…”
She again shook her head, turning to Kris. “Kick him out, will you? And Tank, don’t get back unless you’re coming because of Jazz.”
Walking up the stairs to calm her crying baby, she just hoped the moment she was back downstairs, there’d be some peace for her.
Jazz padded into the living room, feeling six years old all over again. He’d expected this room to cause flashbacks or gave him chills, but none of that happened. Instead he was reminded of the time Tessa had been there with him and their son. He saw the gentle way she smiled at him, the caution in her eyes, even though the latter he only now realized, thinking back. She’d known he’d push her away again, had probably waited for it, and his heart ached each and every time he thought about the fact that he had done just that.