by Sam Destiny
He’d thought going back to ignoring her, keeping her away would’ve been as easy as it had been when he’d returned, but it wasn’t. This was a whole new world of torture, and although that was what he’d been aiming for as punishment, he never had imagined it to feel like that.
“Mom,” he whispered, watching her back stiffen on the sofa. He hadn’t spoken to her or Kris since he was back from the hospital, and his voice was raw from misuse as well as the attack. Also, he shouldn’t be speaking, but didn’t really care if he’d sound raspy for the rest of his life. He had things to say.
“Jesse.” Raphaela turned the TV off, not turning back to him, and he was sure this was exactly what he deserved. Rounding the couch, he knelt in front of her, resting his hands on her thighs while looking up at her. Her eyes widened in surprise and he couldn’t even blame her.
Sitting on the floor was a habit he’d picked up from Tessa because she’d once told him that it comforted her for whatever weird reason. Besides that, he wanted to be able to look up at his mom the way he’d done all his life.
After a moment her expression softened and she brushed a hand over his hair like she used to do back before he’d grown into his teenage years. “Hey son,” she greeted him again.
“I killed them. All my comrades. Or most of them. The ones that fell that day, mom, they fell because of me. I joined the army because I wanted to be a hero, and instead I turned into a persona non grata. Someone people should hate. It only happened because I wasn’t focused.”
“Why weren’t you?” his mom prompted and he noticed this maybe should be a talk he’d have with Will, but he didn’t want to. Raphaela was his mother, and those were supposed to always love you, right? No matter what.That was a mother’s deal.
“I wanted to go home. Just the day before I talked to Tess. I actually called her show because I knew I had to let her know for me nothing had changed. The deployment was coming to an end, and we were all getting antsy. I hardly slept because I knew I wouldn’t go back to the US, but instead would stop and see her. God, mom, I had to. I wanted to. After the confession on the radio I went back to check the cars, but all I could think about was her face when I’d be there. Tank knew. He had spoken to Evangeline, so I knew where Tessa would be… or should’ve been. Ten days, that was all that separated me from the rest of my life.
“I went through every car that had been assigned to me. All twenty. I had the hoods popped, and the radio running, her sweet voice in my ear. She was on. I remember that one of her favorites was playing, something by that Finnish band she loves so much, and I was humming along. Hell, I think she played it almost every second day. Anyway. I was alone because it was just checking there really was a full tank of gas, enough oil and coolant. Such an easy task. After all, we’d checked the cars for leaks and broken pipes all through the day.”
He shook his head, resting his forehead on his hands and his mom covered the back of his head with her hand, making him feel protected and safe.
“You checked all twenty cars?” she asked, clearly relieved that for once he was speaking to someone about it all.
“Of course. I know I popped them all open before starting and only closed the hood after I was done. I don’t know how it happened, but I must’ve missed three cars. I cannot explain it differently. After all, they stopped because there wasn’t enough oil anymore and the coolant… one of the motors overheated and the first jeep had to stop. The second did, too, and the third then. It was just us, and … mom, what did I do? I killed them all because I was selfish. I killed them because I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I was done with climbing the ranks. All I wanted was to work at base during the day and go home to Tessa in the evening. I knew we had a long way to go, but we could’ve managed. After all, if she had married me, her chances of living here would’ve increased tenfold. And that was all that was on my mind, mom. This is why they died.”
“Is that why you push Tessa away? Because you think it’s her fault you messed up?”
His head snapped up so fast, he could almost feel the whiplash coming. “Tessa’s fault? Nothing about this is Tessa’s fault, mom. She didn’t ask for me to think only about her. She didn’t force the thoughts of her on me. She didn’t plan our entire future in her head when not even knowing if there was a future for us.” His throat hurt and yet he ignored it.
“So… why push her away?” The confusion was obvious on his mother’s face, her brows drawn and her forehead wrinkled, her eyes searching his.
“I destroyed families, mother,” he whispered, willing her to understand. Why couldn’t she see the guilt he was carrying around? “There are women sitting alone at home because I messed up. Children lost their fathers, Caleb may have kept his life, but lost all quality to it, and—”
“Caleb’s choices are his own, son,” his mother interrupted sharply. “He could’ve decided to see surviving as a blessing. Instead he decided to rain violence on someone who was just as much a victim as he.”
“Survival is not a blessing, mom,” he gave back heatedly, leaning back on his heels to keep his mother’s face in his view. She paled at his words and he saw her throat move as she swallowed.
“You… think surviving wasn't good?” Her voice was choked and he gritted his teeth.
“Mom,” he whisper-begged, grabbing her hands. “I’m not suicidal,” he promised, and he wasn’t. He just sometimes wished that he hadn’t made it… or that someone else was taking this burden, those nightmares, and all his guilt from him one way or another. Besides, he really shouldn’t be speaking. Doctors’ orders. But now that he’d started it was impossible to stop.
“You just wish you hadn’t returned. You rather wanted me to have one of those stupid folded flags?” She got to her feet, crossing the room as if she had the intention to bring as much distance between them as she could without actually leaving the house.
He stayed quiet for a moment, knowing that no matter what he said, it couldn’t calm her down. Here shoulders were shaking, and she cupped her mouth, probably trying to keep sounds from escaping. She was sobbing and he had no words to stop her from hurting because yes, sometimes he wished that. Each time he woke up, ready to lose his meals over another night terror or memory, he wished he wouldn’t have to suffer through that.
“I can still smell the burned skin, mom. Sometimes the stench doesn’t leave me for hours. I get up and no matter what is cooking or if I hold the coffee cup close, I cannot enjoy the scents. I hear the screams. I have since I returned, and it’s rather seldom that they are silent. And those dreams… you cannot imagine how I feel. I think only Tessa can, because she’s seen me during a flashback. I’m back there, in hell, being shot at, trying to save people. I can feel the pulse of the people I try to get away. I feel the… explosions. I can feel the sand cutting through my skin. I… all of the debris flying…” He had to stop because he knew he was walking the fine line between falling back and staying in the presence. “It doesn’t matter what I do or want. It’s not passing. Talking about it doesn’t help. I’m damned to relive that day over and over in my mind. I’m surprised the military police hasn’t come for me yet, taking me into custody for committing a crime.”
She was crying harder now, her shoulders trembling as she tried to not make a sound. Jazz still knew, even if she stood with the back to him. Tessa had been like that too often since he’d returned.
“You honestly think that this is your fault, don’t you? That you’re to blame?” his mother finally asked, lifting her head and releasing a deep breath before she turned back to him. There were no tracks of tears on her cheeks, but then the light outside was fading and his vision might be deceiving him.
“I am, mother. I just explained it to you,” he defended himself and she shook her head, hysterical laughter bubbling up in her until Jazz thought he’d driven his mother to insanity.
“Oh son. You should stop punishing yourself and try to look past that day. Think about it with the logic I know yo
u possess, and maybe you’ll be surprised. I’m going to make some dinner. Do you feel like grilled cheese?” she asked and he shook his head.
She hadn’t understood, hadn’t seen how much he needed her to tell him that he was to blame and that she still forgave him because she still was his mother. He couldn’t ever forgive himself, but he’d counted on her now.
Standing from where he’d knelt, he went for his room and grabbed his guitar, needing to fill his mind with notes instead of thoughts.
It was late when Hilary returned and Tessa found herself pacing the living room. John had fallen asleep easily even though he was teething, meaning she expected him to be up in less than two hours. However, the break had given her too much time to think—and read the comments and posts everyone had shared concerning Jazz and her.
“Why, Hilary? What in the world have you been thinking going on my show and making a request like that? I feel like my dirty laundry is out there for everyone to judge,” she snapped the moment her friend stood in front of her.
“No, not your dirty laundry, girl, your love story. And people are all over it. You would not believe the support I’ve seen for the two of you. I cannot help but think that Jazz would be better if only he got a chance to read all that’s been said about him. I won’t lie, there weren’t many people there who served with him just this year, but there are hundreds who connected with him throughout the years and Tessa, your guy is a hero in their eyes.”
“What have you been thinking?” Tessa asked again, tears in her eyes. She’d had hundreds of emails in her official mailbox, on her social media pages and wherever else you could reach the radio station and therefore her. She’d seen the hateful ones, too, among all the support Hilary spoke of, and she knew if Jazz read only one of those, he’d be even more convinced he did something wrong.
After all, humans tended to believe the negative instead of the positive, and right now Jazz was even more vulnerable.
“I’ve been thinking all we need is one soldier who has been with Jazz down there, Tessa. One single person coming here to speak to him and tell him it wasn’t his fault. That’s what he needs, and that’s why I am ready to read every damn, stupid message, every damn comment that anyone posted on whatever page. In fact, I’ve been doing nothing else for the last few days. I talked to people who claimed to know him, only to realize that they called because they want to date you.” She smirked. “I never knew that people actually fall in love with voices, and that yours seems to be especially sexy—for both male and females alike.”
“Don’t try to deter me from my original topic, Hils. What if the one person you’re hoping for comes forward and tells you that it was Jesse’s fault? That he killed all those people? What then, huh? Keep it from him? Create an illusion in which he thinks he wasn’t at fault?”
Hilary grabbed her shoulders, shaking her gently. “Come on. You do not believe that Jesse is capable of betraying everyone to go home. What did he tell you? That he’d want to go home early or whatever people think?”
“Jesse seems to believe he is capable of exactly that and therefore I’m not sure any longer what to believe.”
“Ten days. He cut his deployment short for ten days. You honestly think he’d have done that?” Hilary challenged.
Tessa’s eyes widened in disbelief. “I didn’t know. I mean we never talked about how much longer he had been supposed to stay there. After all the initial time was eight weeks, three months at max. I’m… ten days?” Thinking about it, really exploring the possibility in her mind, she realized again that no, Jazz would never do anything to deliberately endanger others. The way she knew him now she wasn’t sure if he’d have maybe risked himself, but his comrades? Nope, she just didn’t see it happening like that.
“See? Exactly my thoughts.” Hilary must’ve seen her considerations on her face, reading her, as always, like an open book. “One person, Tessa. All we need is one guy to make this all right again, and I’m not giving up hope yet. You two belong together more than any couple I know. We both know I was against this in the beginning because I didn’t think Jazz could be any different than all the other douchebags, but we know better now.I know better now.”
“You’re trying to save yourself,” Tessa finally smiled. She could see it clearly and wondered how she hadn’t noticed it before.
A blush crept up her friend’s cheeks. “Maybe. I don’t know. I feel that if we get you two your happy ending, there’ll actually be one in it for me as well. You know, something good. Something lasting. No cheating. No jerks. Just a guy who’s ready to put the world at my feet and keep it there if I command so.”
Tessa shook her head, clearing her throat of all the snappy remarks she wanted to make and decided for the one she knew was true. “I’d never command Jazz to do anything,” she whispered and Hilary’s expression softened.
“And yet he gave you all he had and more.”
“Only to take it back.Twice.”
“Temporarily,” Hils explained confidently and then unwrapped a scarf from around her neck. It had gotten cold outside, and though they weren’t in a part of the US that would get snow, these days Tessa swore she could almost taste it in the air.
“Do you honestly think this could make it all better? That it can fix Jazz if someone comes here and tells him this was not his fault?”
Hilary nodded until her dark waves bounced into her face. She pushed them back and sighed. “I don’t think Jazz is weak. I don’t think Jazz would betray his comrades or his beliefs just to get out of a hard situation. Plus, the trauma he suffered was because of that day. He’s reliving only those hours over and over again. No matter if he knew what PTSD looked like or not, what would await him, I cannot see him doing that to himself. And if Betty the bitch would come forward and say something, really say something, maybe we wouldn’t have to look. Instead she left. All the things you’ve said about him before, Tessa, all the arguments you made in his favor… you were right, but you need to go back to believing them.”
“She was fired and lost all she worked for. What was there left for her here?”
“She claimed to be his friend,” Hils pointed out.
Fury surged through Tessa and she fisted her hands at her sides to not wipe everything off the coffee table. “She nearly got him killed, so I for one am glad that she is not here. She shouldn’t be, either. She was in love with him, and you can try to convince me otherwise, but I recognize jealousy when I see it.” She maybe hadn’t right away, being too preoccupied with herself, but now she did. Maybe it had been only that they’d gone through the worst that had caused the feelings, but the way Betty had hugged him, looked at him… Jesus, Tessa should’ve known earlier. Hearing that Jazz refused to talk in private with Betty, most likely about Caleb, but had wanted to keep Tessa close instead must have tipped her over.
“Well, in the end she maybe wouldn’t even have been able to say something decent anyway. After all, I doubt she worried about what had happened that day. I mean, asked what exactly had been going on,” Hilary decided, flopping down on the sofa.
Tessa followed her example and silence stretched between them.
“People fall in love with my voice?” she finally asked, arching a disbelieving eyebrow.
“And your personality, I think. I met so many guys and girls that were disappointed the moment I opened my mouth.” Hilary laughed, clearly entertained by the memories, then she sobered again. “We cannot give up, Tessa. I’m being serious. You least of all. Please. I know that before Christmas this is going to be solved, and you’ll be sitting here with him and the girls.”
Which reminded Tessa she had to tell Hilary about the two guests she’d added to the list. “Raphaela and Kris will be joining us no matter what.”
Suddenly Hilary sat up straighter. “Where is she anyway?” she wondered and Tessa smiled. She’d found a note earlier and now retrieved it from the table.
Hilary, Tessa, I cannot believe you left Tank alone with me.
“Tank was here again?” Hilary interrupted and Tessa nodded.
“He was sent to bring me to base. His superiors wanted to talk to me because of my show and the hashtags inspired a lot of people to join the army. I didn’t want to, and left him alone with Kris.”
“Huh,” Hilary made and then nodded towards the paper, clearly curious as to what else Jazz’s little sister had to say.
He looked at me and told me that I was being childish. He literally called me that, and I was mad at him. So mad, in fact, I stamped my foot… and realized he was right. I’ve been behaving like a spoiled brat, and I expected others to fix what I should be working on fixing as well. Leaving the house just because Jazz had retracted back into his shell was a stupid thing to do.
“Hey, I told her exactly the same thing,” Hilary huffed, “but she needed Tank to believe it?”
Tessa rolled her eyes and continued to read out, “I thought moving here we’d be a family again, but we can only be a family if everyone works on that, and, well, I haven’t. I’ve left mom and you, Tessa, to do the worst, and though I know that Jazz didn’t allow anyone else close, you were persistent and so was mom. I was just there hoping he’d be my big brother again soon. I’m moving back home as of right now. Tessa, you’re asleep. I know, because I just checked on you and wanted to tell you. I haven’t really unpacked anyway, so… It was cool living with you two, but my mom and brother need me at home. Thank you. Kris.”
She watched Hilary, wondering what her friend thought.
“It should’ve been you moving there, not Kris. This should be your house, your family,” she finally muttered and Tessa’s smile slipped.
“I think Tank did good in talking to her and telling her she needed to get back. I don’t think she really wanted to be here with us. We’re too serious for her,” Tessa gave back, not even reacting to her friend’s comment.
“It’s up and down with her, which is hilarious.”
“We used to be twenty once, and I’m pretty sure we weren’t ultra-grown up then,” Tessa remarked and Hilary nodded.