Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives)

by Hansen, Marita A.

  Aroha practically squealed, “You blew Tama?”

  “Yeah, he told me to keep doin’ it, but he wuz pushing my head down too much and making me gag, so I asked if he wanted sex. He said yes, then when I mentioned using a condom he opened his eyes and went nuts at me. He pushed me away, saying he thought he wuz dreaming. He wuz really, really mean.”

  “Is he big?”

  “Eh? What do ya mean?”

  Aroha moved her head forward. “You know, is he well-hung?”

  Juliet screwed up her face, shocked by the question. “You can’t be serious? I’ve just poured my heart out to you and all you’re concerned ’bout is how big Tama’s cock is?”

  “You don’t needa get offended, it’s a simple enough question.”

  Juliet stared at the woman.

  “C’mon, please tell me,” Aroha said. “My friend reckons he’s ten inches. So, is he?”

  “I didn’t have a measuring tape, so how would I know.”

  “Don’t be a spoilsport. If you wanted to know, I’d tell you.”

  “I wouldn’t ask sumpthin’ like that, it’s rude.”

  Aroha scowled. “Sheesh, I stuck up for you against my own boyfriend, so you could at least tell me.”

  Juliet’s shoulders slumped forward. “Yeah, sorry. I haven’t seen many cocks so I wouldn’t know what big is, but Corey’s one wuz loads smaller than Tama’s, which kinda surprised me cos I just assumed guys were all the same size.”

  Aroha punched a fist in the air. “I knew he wuz hung, I bloody knew it.”

  Juliet shook her head. “You really are weird.”

  “Nah, I just have a thing for Tama. That boy is sizzling hot and I’d die to have some of his sausage. And how could you not know that guys have different sized wangs? Sheesh, you have three brothers, girl.”

  Juliet’s face dropped. “That’s wrong in so many ways. And I never looked at theirs. Gross, gross, gross! And you shouldn’t be talking ’bout Tama like that, cos you’re with Naf.”

  “Not like I’m married to him, and I’m never gonna be stupid enough to do that.” A smile crept across Aroha’s face. “Hey, do ya think you could get me a visit with Tama?”

  “But, that would be cheating on Naf.”

  “No it wouldn’t, it would just be a visit, and we can go together. Anyway, Tama isn’t interested in me, he turned down my proposal, but I still like looking at him.”

  Juliet’s eyes widened. “You proposed to him?”

  “It wuz just before I started dating Naf. I sent him a letter cos I thought he might say yes to get conjugal rights. When he didn’t reply, I asked his cousin what Tama thought of my proposal letter. The li’l shit said New Zealand doesn’t have conjugal rights, and that if it did Tama still wouldn’t marry me. He wuz really rude too, and called me a paedophile.” Aroha pursed her lips. “Tama is over the legal age.”

  “What’s conjugal rights?”

  “It’s when married couples get time to have sex if one of them is locked up. I visited my ex in prison when I lived in Australia, and just assumed they allowed it here too.” Aroha frowned. “The bastard divorced me when he got out, saying he enjoyed shagging his inmates more than me. Still, I love the sod.”

  Juliet covered her mouth to stop from laughing. It didn’t matter whether she was in a foul mood, Aroha could always crack her up, although the woman never did it intentionally.

  “Maybe I could visit my ex and Tama at the same time, cos they’re in the same prison.” Aroha hesitated. “Um... actually, that’s pro’bly a bad idea; I’ll just see them on different days. So, will ya get me a visit? I’ll go tell Naf straight away ’bout what Corey did if you promise me.”

  “I s’pose I can check if it’s alright to visit him.” Juliet wondered whether Tama would see her after she got him in trouble with Ash. She wasn’t exactly his favourite person, although he did owe her for all the money she gave him.

  “Choice, lemme know when you hear. I’ll go talk to Naf now.” Aroha got up and headed for the door.

  Juliet watched Aroha close the door behind her, feeling bad for Naf. Yeah, he’d yelled at her, but he was usually nice, and she didn’t like the thought of Aroha going behind his back to see Tama, regardless of whether Tama was interested or not. She would never do that to someone, because, no matter what Aroha said, it was cheating. Maybe she should tell Naf, but then again, she was already in his bad books.

  Sighing, she headed for her drawers and grabbed some clothes. She wished she’d told Aroha no, because she didn’t want the woman’s help now. She couldn’t stand dishonest people, especially when it affected someone nice like Naf.

  She tugged on her green skirt and matching top, wanting to get as far away from this crazy place as possible. Maybe she could visit Ash and get him to sort out this mess for her instead. He always came to her defence, unlike Dante who usually laughed and said it was her own fault. Or maybe she could ask Ash if she could move back in. Yeah, that wasn’t a bad idea at all. She grabbed her keys off the colourful cabinet her grandfather had made and headed for the door.

  9

  Ash

  Ash parked the car close to the emergency entrance to Middleton Hospital. The large white building was surprisingly quiet, with only a few cars dropping off people. Carly jumped out and ran around to Ash’s door. Again, Ash got a flash of her breasts as she leaned over to unbuckle his seatbelt.

  “You need help walking, hun?” she asked, still looking excited.

  “No, I’m fine.” He gave her a friendly smile, no longer disliking her. On the car ride over, she’d softened him. He hadn’t realised how much she’d cared about his brother; Dante’s perception of her originally clouding his view. But, she’d showed concern for him, or in her mind Dante, constantly asking whether he was alright, so, by the time they’d pulled up to the hospital he’d come to the conclusion that she was in love with his brother.

  “Why’d ja text that nude photo of Dante to everyone?” Ash asked, getting out of the car. “You did yourself no favours, it upset him loads.”

  She scowled at him. “Stop speaking like you’re not Dante! Can’t you just shoosh it?”

  “No, cos I’m not him.”

  “But, I want you to be.” She touched the tattoo on his neck. Ash stayed still as her fingers wandered up his face. “You’ve got different tattoos, but you look the same.”

  “So, you knew I wuzn’t him all along?”

  She shook her head, her face screwing up like she was going to cry. He wasn’t sure whether she understood, then she spoke, her voice sounding almost normal. “I didn’t send that text. Someone stole my phone. Deano found out about it and went ballistic, beating me up. I wanted to leave him for you, but he threatened to kill you.” She started crying. “Then you told me to fuck off without letting me explain. You hurt me bad.”

  Ash frowned, pissed with Deano. He didn’t blame the guy for getting upset over the cheating, but there was no way in hell the bastard should’ve hurt Carly. If a female did that to him he might yell, but he would never strike a woman. Oh, he’d leave her, but hitting them, nope, that was not on... Now, a man, that would be a totally different ball game, because he’d bash the shit out of anyone who touched what was his.

  “Don’t cry,” he said. “I understand now,” and I’ll make sure Dante does too, not adding the last part since she already thought he was his brother.

  Carly grabbed Ash round the waist and hugged him. “I’m so sorry, Dante, please forgive me.”

  “Nuthin’ to forgive.”

  She leaned her head against his chest. Not knowing what to do, Ash patted her on the back, feeling awkward and self-conscious, standing out in the open with blood covering both of them. He glanced at Carly’s children in the back seat, the two little ones babbling away to each other. “Get your kids out,” he said, extricating himself from her.

  Carly hollered for them, sending a shaft of pain through Ash’s head. He cradled it, watching as the two kids scooted out. Carly to
ok off after them as they headed through the sliding doors, yelling at them to stop. Seeing his opportunity, Ash jumped into the car and fired up the engine. There was no way he was going into the hospital with a battered woman. He could just imagine what people would think seeing her with a smashed-up face, and with him decked out in leathers and tats.

  Carly stopped at the entrance, then turned and ran back, yelling at him to stop. Ash floored the accelerator.

  ***

  He pulled into his driveway, parking Dante’s car behind his Chevy. He jumped out, hoping that Beth was still home. Once he was cleaned up, he needed to apologise for how he’d acted earlier. He knew he shouldn’t have ignored her, but he’d been in shock over Sledge finding out about the rape, plus she kept asking questions, not giving him a moment’s peace. And he was sick of her always nagging him about his past, something that he wasn’t used to. Tiana knew there were certain things he couldn’t handle discussing, but Beth was determined to pull out those painful memories, ones that he’d fought so fucking hard to bottle up so he could function without fragmenting.

  Ash stopped at the front door and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He breathed in then let it out slowly, repeating this several times and blanking his mind in the way another rape victim had taught him. The woman had told him to think of something he loved and to bring up the image, blocking out everything else. Often it was the sea, where he would get lost surfing for hours, but instead an image of Kai Iwi Lakes with its warm waters swam across his mind, a place their family used to visit before his parents divorced. His lips curved into a smile as he pictured his father throwing a squealing six-year-old Dante into the water from their little boat. His father had dived in to bring Dante back, but as soon as Dante was on solid ground, he’d screamed and kicked their father in the shins.

  The boom of a sound system shattered the happy memory. Ash glanced at the road as a souped-up Nissan Skyline drove slowly past, the guys inside giving him a friendly salute. The gang were regular customers, one of the few who rarely gave him trouble. He lifted his chin in acknowledgement, then unlocked the house and headed for his bedroom. He poked his head inside, half-disappointed, half-relieved that Beth wasn’t there. He checked Dante’s room next, then the backyard. When he couldn’t find anyone, he pulled out his phone and dialled Dante’s number, his brother picking up on the third ring.

  Ash heard what sounded like his son in the background. “Are you at Tiana’s?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What’re doin’ there?” Ash asked, annoyed that Tiana had let Dante come over. No matter what his ex said about him being free to visit Angelo, it was never that easy.

  “I wanted to see Angelo,” Dante replied.

  “Put Tiana on the phone for a sec, and after I talk to her you hafta come straight home, I needa brief you on some shit that went down today.”

  “What shit?”

  “I’ll tell ya when you get here, now put Tiana on.”

  “Okay.” Dante called out to Tiana, followed by Tiana asking who it was. “Ash.”

  Ash gripped the phone when Dante insisted a second time that she take the call. After several seconds, her voice came over the line. “I can’t talk now, Ash.”

  “Only cos it’s me.”

  “Ash...” She breathed out, her tone frustrated.

  “I wanna see my son. If you can’t stand the sight of me, then let Dante bring him back. Not today, next weekend. I’ve gotta sort some things out first.”

  “Not to that house.”

  “There’s nuthin’ wrong with my home.”

  “You know why I don’t like it.”

  “Christ, Tiana, you can’t stop me from spending time with my own son.”

  “You can visit him here.”

  “Yeah, right. Every time I arrange to come over, there’s always some emergency that makes you leave the house with him. I’m sick of it.”

  Her voice went high, a tale-tale sign that she was lying. “I don’t do it on purpose.”

  “Bollocks, you do so.”

  “Don’t use that language, and it’s not my fault you won’t quit that horrible job.”

  “For frig’s sake, stop gettin’ on my case ’bout work, you damn well know I can’t quit.”

  “So, your job’s more important than your son? Than me?” She said the last two words so soft he almost missed them. Behind her, he could hear Dante telling her to give it a rest.

  Ash breathed out. “You know what happened when I tried to give it up. Christ, my boss is dangerous; I don’t wanna go through that again, I hafta keep my family safe,” especially Angelo. I couldn’t deal with Craven sending his men near him again.

  “I don’t want my son around drugs or criminals.”

  “He won’t be around drugs and I’m his father regardless of what I do.” When she didn’t reply, he added, “Please, Tiana, I miss him, and a boy needs his father.”

  “You didn’t.”

  Ash went still, her words a shock.

  “Oh God, Ash, I’m sorry, it just came out. I’m so sorry.”

  Ash threw the phone across the lawn, then stormed back into the house, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Tiana fucking knew everything about his relationship with his father, and knew how much it stung. Just because he couldn’t be around his old man, didn’t mean he didn’t want one that cared about him. At one point, he’d thought that maybe his father could change, that he could be a “dad,” but then again, he just had to admit his old man was unwell, not right in the head, so what did he expect. And his cousin, the man who acted more like a father than his biological one, couldn’t be around either. He missed Hunter, but knew his cuz was just as damaged as his old man. But at least Hunter was safe in the psyche ward, and couldn’t harm himself there. Although it hurt having to admit him, it was still the right decision.

  Ash closed his eyes. Was he psychologically up the wop too? He had fits of uncontrollable rage like his father. Maybe Tiana was right, that his son was better off without him—safer. But that hurt, and unlike the way his father had treated him, he’d never hit Angelo. And if his stepdad hadn’t come into his life, he might not have gone to live with Hunter and been pulled into the drug trade. He could’ve become a graphic artist, something his old art teacher had suggested. He swore, realising what he was doing, falling into that same old trap of regret.

  He stripped and headed into the shower, letting the water wash away the remnants of the day, and wishing it could do the same for Tiana’s words. Once done, he checked out his face in the mirror, surprised to see how little damage Len had done. Just a split lip, but without the swelling, though the back of his head still hurt like a bastard. He grabbed one of Beth’s mirrors and angled it so he could see the damage, gingerly touching the sensitive area. Other than being sore, it seemed alright, the bleeding having stopped. Satisfied, he headed into his room and pulled on some clothes, then lay down on the bed, wanting to catch some shut-eye before Dante returned.

  ***

  His shirt was tugged over his head, suffocating him briefly. ‘I’m sorry, I tried; I really did,’ Chaz said, undoing Ash’s belt. ‘But I promise you won’t remember a thing, I’ve made sure of that.’

  Blackness took Ash, then movement brought him back. He was lying naked on his stomach, with his legs pushed apart. The realisation of what was going to happen hit him hard. He cried out, desperately trying to get away, but his body remained motionless. Pain entered him below, ripping out a scream. Chaz swore, then pushed Ash’s face into the pillow. Fighting to breathe, Ash threw the pillow onto the floor and bolted upright, knocking Chaz off him. Panicked, he turned around and swung out, then froze. Instead of Chaz, Beth stood before him, the drawn curtains blocking out most of the daylight and shrouding her body in shadows. Confused, Ash glanced down at himself, finding himself dressed.

  “A dream,” and one he had far too often. He looked back up at Beth, who hadn’t budged. She was standing stock-still like she was afraid to move, then as thou
gh someone had flicked on a switch she touched her eye.

  His gaze followed the movement. “Did I hurt you?” he said, not sure what he’d done while dreaming.

  “It’s nuthin’.”

  He switched on the light then pushed off the bed. He took a hold of Beth’s hand and lowered it, horrified to see her reddened eye. “Oh, Beth, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He leaned in and kissed it gently, feeling awful when she flinched. “I would never hurt you on purpose.”

  “It’s no less painful whether you do it on purpose or by accident.”

  “I-I wuz having a nightmare.”

  She appeared sad. “I’m not talking ’bout my eye. Why do you ignore me, Ash? You just walked out this morning as though I wuzn’t even there.”

  “I’m sorry, I wuz upset over what happened at the parole hearing.”

  “Why couldn’t you tell me that earlier? And it’s not just this morning either. You ignore me when I ask you questions, only giving me titbits of info when you feel like it. You’re purposely shutting me out and it hurts.”

  Ash grimaced, knowing it was true.

  She sighed. “I love you, but I can’t take this anymore. Please gimme sumpthin’ that shows you care ’bout me, that you want me to stay. I understand you don’t wanna get married, but I’m not asking that, just ... I want to feel like I’m your lover, not a nuisance.”

  He looked down, wondering whether he should tell her about Chaz—the full story, not the abridged version. But, admitting to being raped wasn’t easy. In the past he was afraid to tell people because he thought they might think he was gay. Although he no longer believed that, it was still something he didn’t want to talk about, because pity was just as suffocating as his face being pushed into a pillow.

  “You gonna say sumpthin’ or do you want me to leave?” she said, her expression worried.

  He sat down on the bed and put his hands to his head. “Sometimes it’s just easier not to talk. I used to blurt things out without thinking, which did more damage than good. I hurt people’s feelings cos of it, which is why I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself.”