Phantom Wolf

by Bonnie Vanak

Sex lowered the barriers between them. She kissed the curve of his shoulder. “I wish we had never known each other before. Then everything would have been fresh and new to us, instead of these dark secrets between us.”

  Sam lifted his head, his brows knitting. “What?”

  “Real lovers don’t share the past we have. They don’t hide their hurts from each other.”

  “I don’t want secrets between us,” he stated quietly.

  “Then tell me. Why did your duplicate push your buttons like that? What was he talking about?”

  Jaw tensing, he looked away.

  “Please, tell me, Sam. I must know. If it’s my fault...” she whispered.

  Expelling a breath, he shook his head. “It’s not you. Not your fault. It’s Christmas. I haven’t spent a single Christmas with anyone, except my family.”

  Sickening realization hit her. “You visit them...”

  “At their graves.” A husky whisper, pain haunting those dreamy hazel eyes. “It’s all I have left, so I go there every year instead of friends’ homes.”

  Pressure built behind Kelly’s eyes as she saw the real Sam. The cocky, charming Sam. The cool, efficient SEAL. What a falsehood, when the real man was alone, hiding behind barricades of duty, honor and obligation.

  “Go on.”

  “That bastard Arcane was right. I’m a sentimental fool. I couldn’t save him, so I try to make up for it. Petie loved Christmas, loved seeing the gifts under the tree. Most of all, he adored hanging the tinsel on the trees. Silver. He said it looked like stars sparkling beneath the lights. He always asked me to sing carols....”

  His voice cracked. “Every year, I buy silver tinsel and a little tree and place it by his gravestone. Keep thinking he’d see it from wherever he was and it’d make him smile. And then I sing his favorite carols. Stupid. As if he’d know.”

  Stupid? It was the sweetest thing she’d ever heard. A horrid ache settled in her chest as she envisioned him sitting on the ground by his little brother’s grave, cold wind whispering through the cheerful silver tinsel as Sam sang Christmas carols.

  So alone, haunted by sorrow...

  “Why do you put yourself through it every year?”

  He stared at the ceiling. “I don’t want grief and anger to turn into blind hatred. The ritual keeps me normal when I feel like I’m turning cold and empty inside. It connects me to Pete and his ability to love everyone unconditionally.”

  Kelly had the odd feeling she finally had seen straight through to his heart. He wasn’t a cold, efficient warrior, but a grieving man determined to keep hatred and bitterness at bay. The navy had molded him into a disciplined, purposeful soldier, someone she thought she’d never connect with again. Truth was, they had plenty in common. Just like her, Sam was lost and alone, but not broken.

  Never broken, she thought vehemently.

  Raising herself up on her elbows, she dropped a tender kiss on his jaw. “Pete knows. I’m certain of it. You have a generous, loving heart.”

  Emotions shadowed his gaze. And then he rolled her beneath him and loved her once more, this time longer, sweeter, slower, until she wanted to never leave.

  Recapturing what she’d once thought was lost forever.

  * * *

  Kelly lay asleep on the pillow, long, inky lashes feathered against her pink cheeks. Guarding her rest, Shay studied his lover.

  Hell would come with the morning light, and the consequences, but for now, he wanted to banish the future. Banish the past. Live in the present moment.

  A smile touched his mouth as he protectively tucked her closer. For a wild moment, he imagined it could be like this always.

  He could make love to her through the years and never grow tired. Sam felt plugged into her, electrified when he took her, as alive as he’d never felt before.

  The smile faded. In the rosy afterglow of hot sex, he’d made a huge mistake by lowering his defenses and baring his most shameful secret. With others, he’d kept his private life private, too proud to admit he still deeply grieved. Strict boundaries were enforced to keep everyone, especially women, at a distance. Men were tough. SEALs were tougher. And he was impenetrable.

  Except to Kelly.

  Now Kelly had penetrated the wall, leaving him exposed and vulnerable, just as his father had once predicted. Shay couldn’t afford vulnerability, or losing his heart to her again.

  You’re going to have to let her go.

  The disturbing thought chased away sleep long into the night.

  Chapter 17

  A shaft of leaden daylight spilled through the partly opened drapes. Shay woke up to the sight of Kelly draped over his body. Long, dark lashes feathered over her cheeks as she slept as innocently as a child, red hair spilling over the white pillow. Just as he’d dreamed about all these years. He eased out of bed.

  Stalking over to the balcony, he lifted the blue drapes with the back of one hand. He saw a hard pewter sky streaked with a rose-gold sun that was breaking the horizon. The street was deserted except for one elderly couple sitting across the street on their front stoop.

  That could be you and Kel, years from now. Rocking on the porch, watching the grandkids play in the yard. Holding hands...

  A family of his own. The dream shimmered within reach.

  Hearing a rustling of sheets behind him, Shay turned.

  “I feel so alive this morning. Free.” She gave a languid stretch, which did amazing things to her breasts. Shay steeled against the driving urge to tumble her backward and love her until he’d coaxed another sweet cry of pleasure from her mouth.

  He turned back to the window as she climbed out of bed.

  Wrapping her arms around his waist, she snuggled against him. He closed his eyes, desperately wanting to never let go of her but knowing he must.

  Shay pulled away and picked up her jeans. “We need to move out, get on the road. Go shower. I’ll go downstairs and get us breakfast.”

  No censure in those eggshell-blue eyes, only confusion.

  He softened his tone. “I have to secure a vehicle before we get to Tegus, and it’ll take time.”

  “Sam, we have time. The flight doesn’t leave until this afternoon. What’s going on?”

  Uncomfortable with the scrutiny, he gestured to the bathroom. “I’ll shower after you.”

  Best to keep her at arm’s length. But deep inside, he yearned for the connection shared last night, a bond he must shatter like a hammer before it was too late.

  * * *

  The red car looked held together with string and wire clothes hangers. Kelly rubbed a rust spot as Sam checked under the hood.

  He’d paid an overjoyed villager cash for this clunker. It was hideous, with fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror. Sam told her they were headed back to the States, to a safe house where she’d go unnoticed.

  Not that he noticed her now.

  Kelly hit a tire with the toe of her sandal. “El Milagro. This thing looks like it’ll take a miracle to run.”

  No answer.

  “Maybe I should throw some magick on it. There’s an ancient Arcane spell to go faster, but it’s for a donkey. The ‘move your ass’ spell.”

  Still no answer from under the hood.

  Sam, talk to me, she thought, clenching her fists. Stop being so damn distant.

  Finishing, he slammed the hood down and wiped his hands with a clean rag. “Engine’s in good shape. Let’s roll.”

  Efficient as ever. Transportation secured? Check. Engine operational? Check. Hotel bill paid? Check.

  Last night’s lover hustled out the door? Check.

  The tender Sam who’d made love had vanished, leaving behind a stranger. He’d barely spoken at breakfast. Every bite of the delicious huevos with queso stuck in her throat as he
sipped coffee and scrolled through email on his cell.

  Would the real Sam ever return, the chivalrous man who’d defend her to the death? The Mage who whispered passionate words and tenderly loved her as if she were his entire world?

  On impulse, she caught his hand, feeling the rough calluses and tensile strength. Those hands had roved over her naked body, culling an exquisite pleasure.

  Sam closed his fingers around her wrist and gently removed her hand. The physical act hurt worse than a verbal rejection. But she refused to ignore what happened between them. “Last night was pretty special. Like old times, and I’m not talking about the sex.”

  Tension knotted his broad shoulders. “What do you mean?”

  “I feel like I’ve found the real Sam, the one I lost, the man who set aside carousing for an honest, real relationship.”

  “I don’t have time for relationships. I’m a SEAL, always gone on a mission.”

  “Other SEALs have relationships.”

  “Not me.”

  Kelly’s heart dropped. “Talk to me, Sam.”

  A questionable look, the guarded expression hiding his thoughts.

  Taking a leap of faith, she plunged ahead. “I can’t tell what you’re thinking, how you feel. You’re a phantom, a ghost who isn’t really here with me. I want Sam back in my life, the solid flesh-and-blood man who kissed me last night as if he meant it.”

  Sam tossed down the rag. “We can’t all have what we want, can we?”

  “Don’t do this to me.” He wanted to fight, use anger as a defense. She refused to be baited.

  Kelly drew in a calming breath and slowly released it. “It was fine at the café, when you were the big, bad navy SEAL protecting the poor, threatened Arcane. You know how to play that role. But the minute you opened up and shared yourself last night, you regretted it and shut down.”

  Sam’s jaw turned rigid as stone. Honesty was needed, but it was so difficult to confess how she felt. Never had she felt more vulnerable.

  “I know what it’s like to feel alone and grieving, surrounded by people oblivious to how badly you’re bleeding inside. So you hide behind your work. You can trust me. It’s okay to share your feelings. You’ve kept me safe and protected, and I’ll do the same.”

  She touched his cheek, feeling the muscle twitch violently as if he were a machine gun ready to fire. “Please. I feel like we reconnected with each other. I don’t want to lose that.”

  A glacial remoteness entered his eyes, as if all warmth and life inside him turned to ice.

  “It was just sex, Kelly. A good fuck. We fucked each other and got what we wanted.”

  The words stung. Crushed, she stared at him, her rising hopes shattered as if he’d shot a bullet into them.

  She dared voice her worst fear. “You wouldn’t say that to an Elemental woman, even if it were true. Remember? Back at the mansion, before we became lovers? When they shared your bed, you walked them to their Porches and Jaguars the next morning, politely opened the door. And afterward, sent flowers and chocolates. The ones like me were snuck out of the house like a shameful secret.”

  “I never treated you like that, Kelly.”

  “But you are now.”

  Sam’s jaw ground hard as he stared into the distance.

  Silence confirmed it. So, that was it. Gods, it felt as if she’d extended her hand in trust and he’d sliced it off with his combat knife. It hurt badly, but more so, she hurt for him. The Sam she’d known was gone for good, replaced by this efficient, chilling...

  Elemental.

  Kelly removed the pendant and unfolded his palm, placing the silver triskele inside. “Here. You need this more than I do.”

  He pushed it back. “You’re an Arcane and don’t have enough power to protect yourself. It’s to keep you safe.”

  Too late, she thought dully. They were back to Arcane and Elemental, and she was just another score. “You have the bigger disadvantage. You’re dying inside, Sam. You just don’t realize it.”

  Kelly turned for the village square.

  “Where the hell are you going?” he demanded.

  “I need to be alone. Besides, you should take another shower. Rinse off the Arcane stink left from last night.”

  Sam called after her, but she ignored him, jamming her hands into her jeans pockets. As she walked, people sidestepped as if she were something to scrape off their shoes. You’re welcome, Kelly silently told the Mages. It was a pleasure using Arcane magick to free you from the spell, hmm, a spell you fell under despite your almighty powers.

  Feeling even more alienated, she hunched her shoulders and kept her gaze down.

  In the town square, elephant’s ear trees stretched out their shady branches, providing relief from the constant heat. Violet-, crimson- and pumpkin-colored flowers bloomed among thatches of grass. A mother sat on a stone bench, watching a young boy kick a soccer ball on the walkway. She glanced at Kelly and gave a small smile.

  This makes it all worth it. They have their lives back.

  It was the reason why she’d started Sight Finders. She wanted to reunite families who’d been torn apart.

  Because you couldn’t reunite Sam’s, a voice mocked in her head. All these years, you’ve tried to atone for your father’s actions. He’s alive, while Sam’s family is cold in their graves.

  Emotion clogged her throat as she watched the little boy chase the ball. He was about Pete’s age. Sam adored his little brother. Promised to always take care of him.

  I’m a reminder of everything he’s lost, she realized. Everyone he loved.

  Turning her back, she walked away from the little boy. Straight toward...

  The Elemental college student who’d called her a bitch. Was anyplace safe from these damn Mages? The girl spotted her, grimaced and whispered to her companion.

  Enough. Better to take Sam’s cruel coldness than a stranger’s insults.

  A flicker of movement from the bushes caught her eye. The slither of a forked tongue testing the air. Kelly’s heart went still as she glimpsed fangs bigger than steak knives. The searing stench of blood and death tangled in her nostrils.

  Sam’s warding hadn’t killed all the monsters.

  “Oh, dear gods.” Panic rose in her throat as the girl and her friend drew closer, seemingly oblivious of the danger.

  Kelly murmured a quiet chant and sent power streaming into the bushes.

  The snake opened its mouth and swallowed the streaming current like a tasty morsel.

  She settled for a verbal warning. “Get out of here, move it!”

  The girl scoffed and continued advancing. The snake slithered out of the bushes, aiming for the Elemental’s ankle. As the reptile rose up to attack, Kelly launched herself and grabbed the snake, yanking it away.

  Hissing, it turned and bit Kelly’s shoulder. Fiery pain licked down her arm, but she grabbed the snake around the neck, struggling to contain it. Screams and gasps from onlookers. Magick words escaped her, spells lost in a red haze of pain. She needed powerful magick, Elemental magick...she laughed, a sob of white-hot agony as she remembered the triskele in Sam’s hand.

  You picked a lousy time to make a statement.

  White electromagnetic energy crackled. As precise as a bolt of lightning, the energy struck the snake and killed it.

  She looked up at the girl, who held out her glowing palms.

  “Good shot,” she rasped. “Thanks.”

  Respect shone in the girl’s face. “Thank you, for saving my life.”

  Gritting her teeth, she managed to pull into a sitting position, the agony in her shoulder feeling like muscle pulled off bone.

  She heard the screech of car tires. Sam jumped out and left the door to El Milagro open, the engine running. He crouched down, took a knife from his boo
t and tore open her shirt.

  The wound had turned an ugly grayish mass. Blood seeped from two puncture holes.

  “Ilthus,” she managed to say. “Don’t know how it evaded your magick.”

  Sam glared at the crowd. “Goddammit, get back, give her air. This isn’t a damn sideshow.”

  The crowd quickly dispersed, except for the girl she’d saved and her male friend.

  “I’m Nancy,” the girl said, kneeling down beside Sam. “How can I help?”

  “Got hand sanitizer?” At her nod, Sam handed her his knife. “Sterilize this.”

  When she’d handed it back, he turned to Kelly. “Hang on. This isn’t going to be fun. I’ll try to go easy.”

  “Don’t,” she grated out. “Just take care of the poison.”

  Sunlight flashed on the blade he raised to her skin. Burning pain laced her shoulder, the agony making her stomach clench as warm blood flowed down her arm. Oh, gods, that hurt.

  “I’ve lanced the wound, but the venom already invaded your central nervous system.” He sounded calm and cool. “I’m going to have to send my powers streaming into your body.”

  “Ah.” Kelly bit her lip so hard she drew blood. The pain made it hard to see, to breathe. She inched away from him, shaking her head. “You’re going to fry my insides.”

  “No, I’ll hold back. Trust me.”

  Shuddering in agony, she drew away. The hurtful words he’d flung at her still stung. After he’d shattered her fragile hopes, how could she believe him?

  “Not when the trust isn’t mutually exclusive.”

  He sighed. “I know I acted like an asshole. I’m sorry I said those things. But please, let me help you.”

  Hand on her chin, Sam tilted her face upward to meet the regret in his gaze. “Please, Kel? I fucked up royally and insulted you badly. But don’t let that stand in the way of me doing my job.”

  Now the pain felt as if she’d thrust her arm into a roaring furnace. Tears leaked out of her eyes. “Duty and honor. Doing your job. You want to save me because you’re under orders and you’ll obey, good SEAL that you are.”

  “No,” he said quietly. “Screw the order. I want to heal you because I care about you and if I lose you, part of me will die, as well.”