The Lost and the Damned

by Dennis Liggio

  “No, I guess not,” I said. I remembered reading her file and seeing that she was a rich heiress even without a lucrative record deal. She’s never truly needed the money.

  “It was always about the fame, the recognition, just doing it. It’s important to me, more than anything. Like on your Sinatra albums. ‘I did it My Way.’ This just happens to be my way.” She paused. “Not all this,” she said, waving her hand at the library. “Just the music. The life.”

  “I guess you could say no regrets,” I said.

  “Yeah,” she said, but without confidence. She seemed suddenly withdrawn, staring not at me but into space. I figured she’d need the time to herself, and since I woke up I had needed to bend to the call of nature.

  “I’m going to go figure out where the bathrooms are in this place,” I said.

  “Are you sure we should be splitting up?” she asked.

  “I’m not entirely convinced of that, no. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t take my eyes off of you until you were in the care of Intersperse’s best and the brightest.” In an ideal world, I wouldn’t ever take my eyes off of her at all. Those beautiful eyes, that lovely face. “But this place seems pretty harmless.”

  “Harmless so far. So what’s different in this world compared to the ideal one?”

  “I really have to go to the bathroom,” I said.

  She laughed.

  “You could come with me, but I don’t think it would be the experience you are looking for,” I said.

  “No, you got that right. I’m not into that stuff.”

  “You could come with me and wait outside.”

  “Now it sounds like you’re the one afraid to be alone,” she said.

  “Well, we could –“

  “Just go!” she interrupted. “You’re probably taking longer figuring it out than it would take you to go.” She paused. “Unless it’s number two. Is it number two?”

  “No!” I said loudly. “I mean, no, it’s not. It’ll be quick.”

  “Then stop talking and go! Come on! Chop chop!”

  I rolled my eyes and turned, wandering off to find the bathroom. At first I looked for a sign indicating a second floor bathroom. But as I walked around the stacks and railing, it became obvious this level was just a balcony and not a true floor itself. I found a set of sturdy stairs down and followed them to another area of stacks and tables. I looked for bathroom signs, but didn’t see any. I thought about asking someone, but all I saw around me were the half-faced people like I saw upstairs. I’m not sure if they’d even answer me, but I wasn’t about to ask.

  I decided to work my way back to that circulation desk. I’m not sure if I’d get a reaction from her, but at least the circulation desk girl was fully formed. I only hoped she didn’t question why I was there. I wasn’t in my twenties. Maybe the suit would make me look like a professor or maybe an administrator.

  “Hey, where can I find the Men’s Room?” I asked the girl at the circulation desk.

  She didn’t answer but instead smiled and pointed to her left. From this vantage point there was a very obvious Men’s Room sign hanging in that direction. I sighed and muttered “Thank you,” before walking off in that direction.

  I was right at the bathroom door when I had the feeling I was being watched. It was a hot prickly sensation at the back of my neck. I turned and looked around me, searching for the person looking. I saw a bunch of half-faced people at tables. The circulation desk girl was looking away and doing some paperwork. I had thought that I was being overly paranoid when I saw a face peeking out from behind a nearby bookshelf. I saw two eyes peering out from a mass of black, tangled hair and knew who it was at once. It was the girl who had stared at me in the female patients ward back at the hospital.

  She must have been able to tell that I could see her, but she did not react. She kept watching at me. I decided to break the ice.

  “Hey there!”

  No response.

  “I remember you from the hospital. It looks like we both ended up here.”

  Still no response.

  “Have you seen anyone else from the hospital?”

  When there was no response this time, I stepped toward her. I tried to keep it casual and nonthreatening, but her eyes grew wider. I took another step and her head disappeared behind the bookshelves. I walked over to where her head had stuck out and looked down the aisle. Nothing. I guessed that I had scared her off. I was about to turn and head to the bathroom when I saw her head pop out from behind a bookshelf a few aisles away from me.

  “Hey, I guess you had to… reposition,” I said.

  Still no reaction. I was beginning to realize that it would be a lesson in futility.

  “Well, hey, I guess I’ll see you some other time. Glad to see you’re okay, though. Take care of yourself.”

  I turned around and walked back to the bathroom. I thought about the significance of seeing her. Whatever had swallowed us up and was spitting us through time was doing it to others as well. She may have gotten here another way, but that she was here now gave me some hope. Maybe there was someone who knew what was going on. As I grabbed the Men’s Room door, I turned and looked back. My admirer had taken up her original position, tangled hair and eyes sticking out from behind the bookshelf. I smiled to myself and entered the bathroom.

  The bathroom was cramped space with a low ceiling. The walls were lined with white tile and it smelled heavily of antiseptics. The lights over the two bathroom stalls were flickering, giving that corner of the room a darker feeling than the rest. Overall, the room was clean, thanks to the antiseptics, but the flickering lights and the trash bin overflowing with paper towels gave the feeling of lack of maintenance. As long as there wasn’t standing water and the lingering smell of those that used the bathroom before me, I was happy. I used the urinal for a great feeling of relief, then washed my hands. I splashed water on my face and brushed my hair. I felt better. There were circles under my eyes from stress, but overall I didn’t look too worse for the wear. Staring at myself in the mirror, I felt a new resilience run through me. I could do this. Monsters, time travel, faceless people – it was all madness, but at that moment I felt I could do this.

  I dried my hands with a paper towel, tossed it in the trash, and turned toward the door. That’s when I caught a whiff of something that smelled wrong. The blood drained from my face and I felt ice in my veins. I knew that smell. Slowly, I turned my head. I scanned the dark end of the bathroom, discovering a dark, growing pool from under one of the stalls. I cursed.

  Katie was right.

  Cautiously, I moved toward the bathroom stalls. There was definitely something spilling from under the stall near the wall. As I got closer, I heard something dripping. From this distance, even though the light was flickering, I could tell that the puddle was red, dark red. The smell was stronger, burning the hairs of my nose. I stepped closer, avoiding the puddle. The door to the stall was partly ajar, enough for me to know it was unlocked. I was dreading the next part, but I knew I needed to do it. I had to know for sure. I kicked the door open, it rebounding against the inner wall of the stall and slowly closing. It was long enough to know.

  Inside the stall was the dead body of Brad, the man who brought the circulation girl flowers. He had said he was going to the bathroom, I now knew he never left. I saw stab wounds all over the body. He was covered in blood, so I couldn’t clearly see the wounds, but I knew that if I could, I’d find a dozen wounds, just like the previous two bodies. Even though I had seen two bodies already, bile rose in my throat. This time I couldn’t hold back and I vomited into one of the sinks. I retched again until there was nothing left in my stomach. I turned on the water and let it run. I washed my hands and my mouth, then stared at myself in the mirror as the water ran. I just stared at myself for what could have been seconds or could have been minutes. I stared, trying to keep fear and revulsion from overtaking me; I stared to keep myself from having a breakdown. I stared to keep my sanity.

  I
might have stared longer, I might have had that breakdown, if I didn’t first hear the voice. Somewhere in my mind I knew it was coming, I just didn’t want to think about it. But hearing it, I knew it was obvious. There had been a murder, the next step was the monster. Just as Katie predicted, I now heard the monster. As always he was saying Max’s name.

  I left the bathroom immediately, looking around the library. Nobody was reacting. The half-faced people were sitting and studying, while the circulation girl was sitting at her desk, looking around. I assumed she was waiting for Brad, who would never come. But neither did she seem to hear the monster. I could hear that the monster was close, somewhere in the library. That distorted voice felt like it was all around me.

  I looked up to the balcony and could see Katie leaning over it, looking around. There was balcony above me, so she couldn’t see me. I needed to get up there, but I needed her to stay where she was. I started to shout, but then stopped myself. Should I yell and alert the monster to where I was? I didn’t want Katie to go running. I heard the thudding steps of the creature. It was close. I couldn’t see it, but it was close. I needed to take the risk. “Katie!” I yelled, “stay where you are, I’m coming to you!”

  “John, where are you?” she yelled, twisting her head.

  “I’m coming up, stay there!”

  “But, the monster!”

  “Hide if you need to,” I said, “but stay there!”

  I broke into a run toward the steps. I dodged tables and bookshelves, knocking over a half-faced person that was standing in an aisle I turned down. His books went flying, but I didn’t stay around to see if he had a reaction other than that. The footsteps were louder and quicker, the monster’s voice surrounding me. I leapt over a long table rather than running around it, hoping that Katie stayed where she was.

  “Maaaaaxxxx!” The creature’s voice hit a crescendo, rage filling its distorted tones.

  I turned the corner around a bookshelf and the stairs were in sight. From there, it wasn’t far to the table that Katie awaited at. Once I reached her, we could both get the hell out of here. As I ran toward the stairs, they became hazy. That haze grew into a white fog. I realized what was happening, it was the same as what happened at the Well. Everything had disappeared in fog and then Katie and I were in whiteness. Would we both end up there if we were separated? The girl with the dark tangled hair must have also gone through the whiteness, but we didn’t see her. Would I end up somewhere else?

  Not wanting to find out the answer to my questions, I pushed myself harder, taking the stairs two at a time. Around me the white fog grew thicker and thicker as more and more of the library disappeared into whiteness. I was on the second floor now. I ran past bookshelves and turned the corner. The table Katie was at would only be another thirty feet away. I couldn’t see it because the white fog was so thick, but I knew it must be there. I moved forward, running as fast as I could. I heard her voice shouting for me. I leapt forward as her voice disappeared into silence.

  I reached for her, trying desperately to grab her hand. I grasped in the air, finding nothing, feeling myself crash to the ground. Around me there was just silence. The white fog around me had coalesced into pure whiteness. On all sides around me there was pure whiteness, lacking any distinction. I was back at this place again. The white place where we wandered, the place where we found the door to the monsters. But things were worse than that.

  I found myself alone.

  Twelve

  TRANSCRIPT: INTERVIEW ROOM 5. PATIENT 457. ATTENDING PHYSICIAN: DR. MERILL.

  DOCTOR: If you weren’t here, what would you be doing? In an ideal world.

  PATIENT: I think that I’d be an artist.

  DOCTOR: Interesting. Yet throughout your life, you have taken jobs primarily in the science and technology fields. Why have you never pursued art on your own?

  PATIENT: You said in an ideal world. I could only practice my art in an ideal world.

  It was pretty clear that had I fucked up. I stood there in whiteness, panting as I realized that I had lost Katie. I looked around and only saw white. She must have only been just a foot or two away from me when everything went white, but I lost her. She should be standing right next to me, but there was only white. I screamed her name, shouted it in every direction. But for all my calling, I knew it was futile. She was gone.

  I was pissed at myself. Sure, she was worth half a million dollars. She was my ticket to sandy beaches and she was the objective of this job. That was all true. But I was actually starting to like her. Now she was alone somewhere in the whiteness, perhaps near some new terror. The last time the whiteness led to the room with the monsters. Who knew where it would take her now? All I knew is that I wouldn’t be there for her. Not this time. She said she was strong, but she was actually fragile, too fragile after being catatonic for so long. She needed someone to get her through this. I wanted to be that person.

  I needed to find her and step one was getting the hell out of the white. Last time we found a door by wandering around. Odds are that would work again. I didn’t want to just walk. I picked a direction and ran, running until I ran out of breath. I saw nothing in the distance, nothing close. I wished I could at least see some feature or landmark to run to, but there was nothing. Like before, I wondered if I were running in place. I wondered if it was useless to move; maybe the door or exit would come to me. Even if that were true, I didn’t want to stay still. I needed to be active, I needed to be chasing an exit, even if the chase was futile.

  I picked another direction, running as fast as I could. Every step I winced and readied myself to go running face first into the back of a door like when Katie was with me. I expected to slam my face flat against it, fall over, and hear her laughter. None of those things happened. I fell out of run, trotting to a stop as my lungs ran out of breath. Where was the damn door? I was done being a rat that runs through a maze, even if this was a messed up time travelling maze. I needed an exit.

  I panted, trying to catch my breath. I began to wonder if I was running the wrong way. Maybe it was in the other direction. I turned my head and nearly fell over from what I saw. Behind me, not two feet away, was a door.

  It was a large rusted door, just like the one we saw before. The riveting and style were a little different, but it was obvious it was from the same building as the one before. Like the other, it was so rusted I felt like I would need a tetanus shot just after looking at it. Tentatively I grabbed the door handle, and readied myself to pull the door open. I swallowed hard – I wasn’t looking forward to what I might find on the other side. I pulled, feeling resistance from the weight of the door. Digging in my heels, I pulled with both hands, slowly opening the door.

  Steam spilled out of the crack in the door. When it was open, I saw another steam tunnel. Dripping pipes lined the walls. Thankfully, the floor was mostly dry except for the occasional puddle. Instead of the overhead lighting of the previous tunnel, this tunnel was lit by small red and yellow lights in cages above the pipes. Stepping through, I noticed it was much hotter than the last tunnel. The air was thick and hot, making me work to breathe. I began to sweat. With the heat and red lights, the whole tunnel took on a hellish appearance. I thought about leaving the tunnel and looking for another door, but a loud noise alerted me to the fact that the door closed behind me. With no handle on this side, I could only move forward.

  I walked down the tunnel, trying to stay away from the pipes. They radiated heat and I didn’t want to burn myself by carelessly brushing against them. I wished for a draft to bring in some cold air, but I didn’t think I’d find one of those until I reached a room. However, a room could bring danger. I shuddered when I thought of those deformed monsters. I also looked suspiciously at the red and yellow lights – I didn’t want them to suddenly shut off like in the funnel room.

  I came to a T-shaped intersection. Pipes stretched left and right. To the right the tunnel was hotter and I heard a faint sound of machinery. The left tunnel was cooler, but
I heard a strange sound from it. There was what sounded like the flapping of bird wings. The flapping seemed off, wrong. I’m not sure what gave me the idea that it sounded wrong, but it set off my danger sense. Taking heat over danger, I took the right tunnel.

  The farther I walked down the tunnel, the louder the machine noise became. It was a methodical thumping sound. The heat continued to rise, causing me to continually wipe sweat from my brow. The lights were all red now; none of them were yellow, not since the intersection. I wasn’t sure if that was a color coding of the tunnels or if it was red for danger. I didn’t see any Danger or Do Not Enter signs. I saw a drop of water leak from one pipe and then land on another where it sizzled and evaporated. If the pipes weren’t dangerously hot before, they were definitely that way now.

  As the heat rose, it became harder to breathe. I noticed that the air in the distance began to shimmer from heat and steam. Sweat kept dripping into my eye unless I wiped it constantly. It was almost too much when at last I saw a door in the distance. I thought it a mirage at first, a trick in the shimmering haze of the hallway.

  As I got closer, I could see something hanging from the ceiling near the door. It was a little reddish-pink thing. It wasn’t until I was right under it looking up that I realized what it was, which caused me to stumble back, just barely keeping myself from burning myself on a pipe. Above me was the skinned carcass of a small animal. It was maybe the size of a squirrel, but I couldn’t tell what it was without its skin. Nonetheless, it was a gristly omen for what might be beyond the door. For a split second I had second thoughts about what might lie beyond the door, but the heat swept those thoughts away. I pulled open the door.

  I cheered inwardly when I saw that it was a room rather than more tunnels. A room meant space, space meant not being stuck between two hot pipes. Across from the door was a large mechanical pump which blocked my view of the room. The rest of the room continued to the left and beyond the machine. The pump was connected to pipes and thumping every second. It was the pounding sound I had heard in the tunnel. It was so much louder now, pulsing through the room. I looked up and saw more bad omens. At least a dozen carcasses were hanging from ceiling. They were all small animals, growing larger as they led to the center of the room. Rats, rabbits, cats, a dog. I felt sick to my stomach. The room was still hot, but not nearly as hot as the tunnel. To escape the heat, I put my revulsion aside and stepped into the room, pulling the door shut behind me.