The Lost and the Damned

by Dennis Liggio

  “Yeah, it redefines the idea of ‘self help’,” I quipped. I looked at Katie, who still had the same strange expression since the book was first mentioned. Did she know about this book? Did it have something to do with her? Suddenly I knew. I had a flash of my solo trip to the top of the Well where I saw Katie and Max from the past. Max had a huge book he was chanting from. Was that the same book?

  “Regardless of the factual basis,” continued Merill, “Ashborn finally took it seriously. He had one of his assistants break into Max’s former home and bring the book back to him. Doctor Nealand was particularly disturbed by this, feelings which I shared. We are doctors, were we now to resort to petty theft? His concerns fell on deaf ears while Ashborn continued his obsession.”

  While Merill paused, I looked over at Katie. She still had a strange look on her face, probably trying to remember that moment on top of the Well. I wanted to mention what I saw, but I felt it was private, not something I wanted to say in front of the doctor. Katie’s past was between her and myself, and I’m not even sure if I should belong in that group. If she wanted to tell the doctor, it would be her prerogative. I was about to say something to try to relieve her when Merill spoke.

  “I guess this is the door.”

  I turned my head and found it right in front of me, not more than a foot away. If he had not said something, I would have walked right into it. I didn’t even see it out of my peripheral vision, it was just suddenly there. It was the same type of door we had seen before: big, metal, and rusted. Rivets traced the outline of the door.

  “I’ll get this. These doors are heavy,” I said.

  Katie gave a snorting laugh. I turned to look at her, giving her an appraising look. “They’re not,” she said, “After we were separated, I opened one myself. It wasn’t that bad.”

  “Then by all means, go ahead,” I said, taking a step back and waving her to the door.

  She stepped forward with a smile and grabbed the door. She pulled first with one arm, keeping her gaze on me and smiling. When the door didn’t move, her smile disappeared and she turned back to the door. She tugged harder, then using a second hand. Still no motion. She pulled harder, leaning her body backward, using her weight to pull. I heard a small amount of creaking from the door, but it did not noticeably move. Finally she stepped back.

  “It looks like this is a much heavier door than the one I opened,” she said. “Possibly rusted shut.”

  “Of course,” I said.

  “John, I trust this dirty work to you,” she said, stepping back and giving me a pat on the back. “Vanquish the evil door.”

  I grinned and stepped up to the door. I grabbed the handle, adjusting my grip for maximum pull and minimum rust. I widened my stance and pulled backwards, leaning back. There was an initial creak of metal, but after that the door smoothly pulled forward, nearly causing me to lose my balance as it opened much easier than I thought.

  “I loosened it for you,” said Katie as I pulled the door the rest of the way open. Even with its movement, it was still a heavy door which did not move quickly.

  Hot steam poured out of the now open door. Yet another steam tunnel. Pipes ran along the sides, the air was thick with heat. The floor was dry. We all looked apprehensively at the tunnel, none of us verbalizing what we felt about it. We had all been in the tunnels before. We all knew what strange things were in them, but we also knew they were the only way through. Things had to get worse before they got better.

  Fourteen

  TRANSCRIPT: INTERVIEW ROOM 5. PATIENT 457. ATTENDING PHYSICIAN: DR. MERILL

  PATIENT: I once thought about being a surgeon.

  DOCTOR: I would never have figured you for the medical profession.

  PATIENT: Why is that?

  DOCTOR: Beyond the obvious? You don’t seem much of a ‘hands on’ person.

  PATIENT: That’s funny, Doctor. I used to be real hands on. Good with my hands. Just after… after that accident as a teen, my nerves just weren’t any good anymore.

  DOCTOR: That’s too bad.

  PATIENT: I would have made a good doctor, though. I’ve never minded the sight of blood.

  As soon as we stepped inside, I had a feeling of déjà vu. The others began to walk forward, but I stood in place, breathing heavily. I had been here before. These steam tunnels all looked similar, but this one was more familiar than mere similarity. I saw the red and yellow lights in cages above the pipes and knew where I was. I didn’t want to believe it, but I had been here before.

  Katie and Dr. Merill stopped and turned back to see why I had stopped. Katie wiped sweat from her forehead. “What is it?” she asked.

  I had been here before. This was the tunnel that I was in when I was separated from her. This was the one that led to the dead body, the hanging animals, the whole serial killer hideaway.

  “It’s… It’s nothing,” I said. She narrowed her eyes and looked at me. “It’s nothing,” I continued. “Just the heat and I’m having trouble breathing. It’s really nothing.”

  “If you say so,” she said.

  I started walking, trying to allay their fears. Inside, I was trying to figure out a way to keep from going to that room. Who knew if the killer was in that room now? Katie would freak out in that room. It might be too much for even Dr. Merill.

  I admit it, I didn’t want to go back to that room, and I was looking for any excuse to avoid going back there.

  “So you said Doctor Ashborn stole a book from Max?” asked Katie as we walked.

  “Yes,” said Merill, “in a way. He had someone steal it for him. Ashborn was never one to dirty his hands. It was his cronies and minions. Since Ashborn became head administrator at the hospital, there were plenty who wanted to curry his favor. And then there was always his inner circle, his favorites and protégés. Ashborn had enough power at the institute to get things done without the evidence pointing back to him.”

  I kept peering past them to the end of the tunnel. If this was the same tunnel I had been in, we would be approaching the T intersection soon. The tunnel was getting hotter with each step.

  “But that book,” asked Katie, “What did it look like? What was it called? It’s just that I…”

  “You know it?” asked Merill.

  “I don’t know. I have this vague memory, but I just don’t know.”

  “Did you know Max?” said Merill.

  “I don’t think so,” replied Katie. “I can’t recall ever meeting him. But he looks familiar to me. Maybe I saw him in the hospital?” she ventured.

  We were within sight of the end of the tunnel. It was a T intersection, just like I remembered. The heat was increasing, just as I remembered. There was no longer any doubt that I was in the same tunnel.

  “But what did the book look like?” she pushed.

  “No idea,” replied Merill, “I never saw it. I don’t think many did once Ashborn got his claws on it. I heard leather bound, but I have no idea. I knew it was very old, however. Doctor Nealand saw it and he said it looked like it should be in a museum.”

  “I think the tunnel splits up ahead,” I said nervously.

  “What was the name of the book?” she asked.

  “Something nonsensical. All mumbo jumbo,” said Merill. He stopped at the intersection, looking each way. “Left or right?”

  “Left!” I practically shouted, trying to conceal my tension.

  Merill looked at me oddly. “I didn’t realize you had such a preference for leadership, John. By all means, lead us left.”

  Nervously I walked past him and to the left. I took a few paces before turning and saying, “It feels like it gets cooler this way.”

  Merill nodded and followed after me. Katie followed Merill, her arms wrapped around herself, despite the heat. “What was the book’s name?” she asked again.

  “It’s nonsense, Kate,” he said, “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  “But do you remember it?” she asked.

  “It was something like…” he paused,
searching for the name. “Faces? No, maybe… Masks? Yes, I think that was it. Masks of Forgotten something or some such nonsense. What does that even mean? A bad translation? An impossibility? Just another sign of Ashborn’s descent into an obsession with unscientific theories.”

  I looked behind us at the intersection that was receding. I began to relax. The corridor was becoming cooler. We were definitely moving away from the heat source. I saw Katie trailing behind us, sounding out the name of the book to herself. “Masks… Masks of Forgotten Silence. Is that it? I’m not sure. Masks…”

  I shook my head. I was wondering about her chances of recovery. At first after she had come out of her catatonia, she seemed fine. But now I was beginning to wonder if the time was catching up with her.

  “What’s your stake in this?” asked Merill.

  I turned to find him looking at me. I cocked my head at him.

  “I know you’ve been trying to find Katie. But why? Is it worth all of this?” he asked.

  “I didn’t know about all of this when I started,” I replied, “But yeah, maybe it’s worth this. I’ve been contracted to find Katie. Once I bring her back, I get paid.”

  “Ah, so you’re a simple mercenary,” said Merill.

  “Not exactly,” I said, not quite finding a counterargument.

  “There’s nothing wrong with doing it for the money,” said Katie. “There are a lot of worse reasons to do things. Money is an acceptable reason. At least it’s an honest one.”

  I smiled, my spirits lifted by the unexpected defense from Katie.

  “So what are you going to do with the money, John?” asked Katie, and I realized her defense was just to waylay me with this question.

  “Well, I hadn’t exactly thought about –“ I started.

  “Oh, come on,” said Katie, “don’t tell me you don’t have some dream of what you’re going to do. And don’t tell me you’re going to save it or use it for expenses. I bet you have something in your mind, something interesting. What is it?”

  “I want to take a vacation,” I started, almost meekly. “I want to go somewhere nice, somewhere tropical. The Caribbean maybe. Somewhere I can lay on the beach and enjoy life on my own clock for once. Somewhere with nice sandy beaches where I can watch the sunset.” In my mind I could almost see the white sandy beaches.

  “See?” said Katie, looking at Merill and then back to me. “That’s perfectly acceptable. There’s nothing wrong with that. You have to have dreams when you do something, you have to have goals. If you’re doing it just to do it, just to finish the day, just to add to your savings, what’s the point? You’ll lose your passion, your zest, your motivation. I’d rather do it for a crazy dream than do it because I clocked in from nine to five.”

  There was a silence where neither Merill nor myself spoke, we just all continued walking while Katie smiled with self-satisfaction. Merill broke the silence first.

  “Well said,” he proclaimed, “Though free spirited, almost careless, it is not without merit. I could see why some would believe that.”

  “Well fuck you too,” said Katie.

  “I just believe that most responsible individuals would –“

  “Enough of your pedantic bullshit, doctor,” she said “doctor” as if she were spitting. “You keep acting like you’re better than me, better than us. Sure you’re a doctor at a hospital, but it sounds like you were low man on the totem pole here. No respect, getting things dropped on you. Are you better than us when you’re a high-class nobody? Is it better to serve in heaven than rule in hell?”

  “That’s quite enough of that, Katherine –“ started Merill.

  “Don’t fucking call me that!” shouted Katie, raising her fists.

  I stepped between them. “Stop it!” I said, looking at both their faces. “We don’t have time for this. We’re god knows where, in some hot tunnel ready to fight each other. Look, maybe it’s the heat, but we need to stop fighting.”

  “But he –“ started Katie.

  “It doesn’t matter!” I said. “I wanted to take a swing at him before. Hell, I still do. But what’s important right now is we get through this. There are more dangerous things out here than him, and we need to know what he knows. That involves not hurting him. If he doesn’t tell us, that’s another story.” We both turned and looked at Merill.

  Under our glances, the anger drained from him and his face changed to discomfort wrapped around fear. “Sure, I will provide that information. Sure, no problem,” he said, flustered.

  “Good, now walk and talk,” I said.

  He started walking and I looked to Katie, who was still fuming.

  “You too, calm down and walk. I’ll let you kick his ass if he doesn’t tell us everything,” I said.

  This got a smile out of Katie, which let her relax. She started walking.

  “I’m waiting to hear some talking,” I called after Merill.

  “Umm, where was I?” he asked.

  “The last thing you talked about was the book,” I said.

  “Yes, the book,” he said, quickly trying to pick up his explanation again. “After Ashborn found the book, he began his descent into madness. Over the course of the next few months his behavior changed. He spent most of his time sequestered in his office, sending out communiqués through his cronies for special forms of therapy. Sometimes the therapy was innovative, sometimes it was strange. In some cases, it was completely unorthodox, and in my opinion, harmful to the patient. During this time, the institute purchased all manner of new machines and technology, much of it unnecessary in my opinion. These devices weren’t even medical in nature! They were machines of physical science, not of medicine.”

  The tunnel was much cooler now and there was a room in sight. The tunnel opened up into a store room. The pipes alongside us disappeared into the walls, and we found ourselves in a room full of crates and boxes. We agreed to pause and rest as Merill continued.

  “Even during this time, Ashborn was relatively normal,” he said.

  “That’s normal?” I asked.

  “Compared to how he had been? Somewhat. Compared to what I have seen some obsessed doctors do? Possibly. Passionate men sometimes lose sight of the rest of the world as they pursue their research. It happens. But compared to what he became? Yes. After this period of study and collection of odd devices, Ashborn changed. Where before he had his cronies and close associates, now he had a cabal. His close associates now became co-conspirators. They were each sworn to secrecy, an unbroken silence through which they worked toward their purpose. They began to –“

  “Wait a minute,” asked Katie, “if they were all sworn to secrecy, how do you know? You told us Ashborn hated you. Are you now saying that you were a member of their secret cult?”

  “No, of course not,” said Merill. “But you remember I had a good friend, Doctor Nealand, who was part of Ashborn’s inner circle. Through him I learned of their cabal and its secret promises. As to what they did in the hospital? That was not hard to learn. What they did during the daytime was done with the help of nurses and orderlies. They could keep those activities secret from the outside world, but not to members of the hospital. Those strange therapies they inflicted on those poor patients were known to me. It was what they did at night, in the old part of the hospital that I know only whispers and rumors.”

  “What did they do?” asked Katie.

  “Experimentation,” he said flatly. “Select patients were put through particular rigors and tests. Painful ones, according to the night nurses who claimed to hear screams echoing through the pipes. I’m not sure what they were looking for. The right patient? Or some sort of reaction from them? Nealand would not talk about this. At first he was horrified. Later on… well, we stopped talking. By that point, Nealand started believing in what Ashborn was saying. It was… unfortunate.”

  “Hold on,” I said, leaning on a crate. “You knew that they were experimenting on patients, violently so, and you just sat around and did nothing?”
<
br />   “Well, I…”

  “No, let me make sure I’m clear about this,” I said. “In your hospital patients were being experimented on. In ways that made other doctors horrified and your nurses disturbed. You knew about this, going on for months – “

  “- Just this past month –“

  “Fine, you knew about this for the past month, yet you did nothing? Are the lives of your patients nothing to you? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Now wait just a minute,” he started.

  “No, I won’t wait,” I said. “You’re as much of a piece of shit as them if you just sat back and did nothing, knowing what went on.”

  “I didn’t know!”

  “You did!” I accused, stepping into his personal space.

  “I didn’t know for sure…”

  “Ah, this defense again. You didn’t know for sure that I was walking into this mess, but you still let me. You didn’t know for sure patients were being hurt. Sure, maybe they scream for pain when they like it. You disgust me.”

  I spit at him and turned around, not even wanting to look at him. Behind me, I heard Katie talking to Merill as he sat down and slumped against a box.

  “Why didn’t you do something?” Katie asked. It was hard to guess her voice. She was a patient here too; I immediately became aware that this realization would be much more frightening to her. In a moment I realized something I hope she wasn’t thinking. If she was catatonic, how did she know she wasn’t experimented on?

  “I wanted to,” he said weakly, “I really wanted to. But you don’t understand how it is here. Ashborn has all the power. He’s the hospital administrator, the one who signs all the paychecks and contracts. All the top doctors are in his cabal. He would claim that nothing was happening. The doctors would agree. The nurses and orderlies would also agree. They could get fired, or worse the institute could close down due to investigation and they’d lose their jobs.”

  “Hrrumph,” I said with my arms folded, finding his excuse lacking.

  He spoke again to Katie. “I went to Ashborn. It was dangerous to do, but I went to him and asked him to stop. I told him I would go to the AMA, the APA, the police, someone. I knew someone needed to know. And do you know what he did? Do you know how he reacted?”