Monster Empire

by Michael-Scott Earle

  “Has one of your wishes ever come true, Ken Jewell?”

  “Yeah, it has,” I said as I kissed my loving wife, “and I didn’t even know I had this wish.”

  “If I could wish upon a star, I would wish for a thousand more babies, and dozens of sister wives,” Nika giggled.

  Just then a massive green fireball streaked across the sky. It was the largest I had ever seen, and I let out an involuntary, “Holy shit!”

  “Holy shit, Dadda!” said Sawsaw.

  Nika laughed musically, and I couldn’t help but join in.

  “That’s right, Sawsaw,” I said. “You learned a new word. But we only allow swearing when it is appropriate, and lucky for you, that meteor deserved a holy shit.”

  “Holy shit, momma, holy shit, dadda!” he sang and began to dance around us.

  “I’m so happy, Ken Jewell,” Nika said as she nuzzled under my neck.

  “Me too,” I told her. Then we clanged glasses and enjoyed our beer as the meteor shower lit the sky like fireworks on the fourth of July.

  The next day, Sawsaw and I finished the eastern wall and moved our worksite over to the west. He was full of energy as usual and performed more work than a person twice his size. The kid seemed tireless, and he always got antsy when I took a break for too long.

  Nika came out to help after second lunch, and together the three of us got the first two hundred foot row of stakes in the ground. Over the next three days, we finished the western and the northern walls, and then we all gathered that night along the battlements to celebrate our progress.

  The river acted as our southern defensive barrier, and along with the walls it created a three-hundred by two-hundred foot rectangular defensive perimeter. We had attached sharp stakes to the wall and dug pitfalls filled with spears in the space in front of the wooden walls.

  Nika and I made love that night on the grass beneath the stars while Sawsaw snored in the house. We had grown even closer over the last few weeks, and our little empire was really coming along.

  “Ken Jewell,” Nika said as we lay basking in the glow of our love making.

  “Yes, Nika Jewell?” I replied playfully.

  “I am pregnant again.”

  I rolled over onto my side and stared into her emerald eyes. They shimmered like jewels in the red moon light.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Yes.” She nodded eagerly.

  “We’re going to have another baby in two weeks?” I said, more to myself than to her, and then I took her face in my hands and kissed her long and hard. “We’re going to have another baby in two weeks!”

  “Yes, yes,” Nika said, “Isn’t it wonderful?”

  “Oh man.” I lay back and rested my head on my hands and stared at the blood moon. “That’s just about the most wonderful thing that I’ve ever heard.”

  It was really happening. We were building a family, and we were building a fortress. We were kicking ass.

  “Damn,” I said with realization. “At this pace we’ll have like, twelve kids by the end of the year.”

  “We’ll need many more to conquer our enemies, take their loot, and build your empire, great king,” she purred. “I think it’s time that you went into the underdark and found a new bride.”

  “You think so?” I asked, and I wondered what that would be like for the millionth time.

  “Yes. You should go soon. Maybe tomorrow.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I told her.

  “We need more loot anyway,” she said.

  “More loot? We’ve still got a bunch of treasure I haven’t sold from the last trip into the underdark, and I haven’t had to go to town for weeks. The chickens give us eggs. The hogs are both going to give birth soon, and I just slaughtered a cow. We’ve got more than enough.”

  “Maybe for most people, Ken Jewell, but not for a king. A king needs a treasure hoard. A king needs to be rich. And you are not yet rich, you are just wealthy.”

  “Heh! Just wealthy?”

  “Don’t you share my vision, Ken Jewell?” she asked as she waved her hand into the air.

  “Of course I do.”

  “Good,” she said as she nuzzled back onto her spot beneath my arm. “Then you will go and get more loot and a new wife to bring home.”

  “How exactly am I supposed to convince a monster woman to come with me to the surface?” I asked.

  “Just pick her up and carry her,” she said with a shrug. “Just like you would do to a bag of loot.”

  “I’m not taking someone who doesn’t want to come,” I laughed.

  “Most monster women want to be with the most powerful king they can. It won't be hard to demonstrate that’s you,” she explained.

  “Alright, babe. I’ll see what I can do.” I didn't think the odds of finding another hot monster woman in the underdark were very good, so I didn’t argue. It's not that I was against having another wife and more children, I was certainly up for it, but I didn't want another woman to come between Nika and me.

  And if Sawsaw didn’t approve of his second mother, I couldn’t imagine what life would be like in Kentopia.

  The next day we broke the news to Sawsaw, and he jumped for joy and kissed his mother’s belly repeatedly. I breathed a sigh of relief because I didn't know how he was going to react. The kid followed me around like a second shadow, and I wasn’t sure if he would like the idea of sharing me.

  “Your mom wants to have dozens of kids, Sawsaw. What do you think of that?” I asked him over the breakfast table.

  “Holy shit!” he said happily, and Nika and I laughed with him.

  After we ate, I went across the river to the pricker bushes and started digging and clearing the briars. I would need more pasture if we were going to continue to grow our little empire, but I also wanted to fortify the top of the wooden wall that lined the perimeter. The idea of barbed wire had struck me one night, and so I decided that thorny vines were going to have to do. But I didn’t want to just line the wall with them, I wanted them to grow, and that meant tedious transplanting of the thorny bushes.

  Sawsaw came down around midday, strapped on his work gloves that his mother had fashioned out of leather, and went right to work. I was about to thank him, but then I saw the feathers sticking out of his mouth.

  “Sawsaw? Did you get into the chicken coop again?” I asked in a serious tone.

  “Holy shit,” he said as he rolled his eyes.

  “Don’t give me that,” I said. “Answer the question.”

  “Dadda…”

  “Yeeesss?”

  “Sawsaw...” he said in a tone which indicated that he was sorry.

  “You should be sorry. Eating raw chickens might make you sick. You understand? Besides, those are our laying hens. We don’t eat those because they give us eggs. As your punishment, you’re going to get one less egg every day for breakfast. Maybe that will teach you not to eat chickens like a wild kobold.”

  “Shit,” he sighed as he bowed his head.

  “Shit is right,” I told him.

  The puppies scampered over, but Sawsaw didn't want to play. He just kept quiet and sulked most of the day. I couldn’t have him eating chickens out of the coop like that anymore, so I let him mope and focused on my work.

  That night after dinner, Nika cleared the table and put out coffee, then she laid a map before me and pointed at the big X on it. “That is the location of my father’s treasure,” she said all business like.

  “What?” I said as I nearly choked on my coffee.

  “My father has a lot of treasure, and he keeps it there.”

  “Nika, what am I looking at?”

  “This is the old dwarven mine rail,” she said, and she pointed at something that looked like a ladder. “It leads from close to where we met, all the way to the goblin city of Ashgorheckamoofta.”

  “Uh, how about we call the city Ashgor?” I said.

  “Then we will call it Ashgor,” she said with a wide grin.

  “As
hgor, Ashgor!” Sawsaw chanted happily, and Nika smiled at him before she continued.

  “If you follow the old railway, it will lead you right to the city. Then you will need to scale this hundred-foot tall cliff and sneak into my father’s vault. Once inside, grab as much of it as you can, haul it up the cliff, and bring it back to the warren.”

  “Just like that?” I asked with a dry laugh.

  “It will be so easy for you, Ken Jewell.”

  “Nika, you want me to sneak into your father’s vault and steal his treasure? I already stole his daughter.”

  “You did not steal me, Ken Jewell,” she huffed. “I ran away. And part of that treasure is mine. It is my birthright.”

  “What if they track me from the city?” I said. “What if they come for revenge in the night?”

  “That’s why we have walls. That’s why we have traps,” she explained with a shrug.

  “Yeah,” I said. “To keep people out, but that doesn’t mean giving them a reason to attack.”

  “Ken Jewell, in this world, you have to keep your loot,” she began, and I couldn’t help but notice that her eyes twinkled whenever she talked about loot, “but you also have to take someone else’s loot if you don’t like them. No one will give you their loot because everyone loves loot. Part of that treasure is mine, and I don’t like my father, so I want us to have it so we can buy more food for our babies and grow our empire.”

  “You do make a lot of sense,” I said with a laugh. “I also love you, so I’ll get your father’s treasure.”

  “Good!” she said as she clapped her hands. “I want you to bring Sawsaw along with you.”

  “Sawsaw?” he asked happily.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “He’s three weeks old, and you want me to bring him into the underdark?”

  “Silly, every other goblin is born in the underdark. He’ll be fine. Besides, if anything happens to him, we can always have more,” she added.

  “Shit,” Sawsaw whispered.

  “Nika, this is dangerous. You are asking me to bring my kid into the underdark and steal treasure right out from under the nose of a goblin king.”

  “Oh, and find another wife if you can,” she added as she sipped her coffee leisurely. By the way she acted, we might as well have been planning a boring dinner with the Joneses.

  “Nika, I’m not bringing--” I stopped and glanced at Sawsaw.

  “Holy shit,” he sighed.

  “Sawsaw will help you!” Nika explained. “Children are supposed to help their parents. Sawsaw is a good little goblin boy. He’ll hide when you need him to, and then stabby-stabby anyone who tries to keep you from the loot.”

  “Sawsaw!” the boy agreed as he tapped his chest and nodded proudly.

  “I just don’t want him to get hurt,” I said as I rubbed the bridge of my nose and thought about Child Protective Services.

  “You’ll need his help,” Nika said. “Every great king needs his children to help them conquer. You will like Sawsaw coming, he’ll stay out of trouble, and you’ll be happy. You will see.”

  “Alright,” I said as I turned to the boy. “You hide the whole time. Got it?”

  “Dadda!” Sawsaw said as he reached around my arm and hugged me. The gesture made my heart melt a bit, and I reached up with my other hand to rub his bright red hair.

  “Good, then that’s settled,” Nika said. “Now, there are a few things you should know.”

  “Only a few?” I said as I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

  “Yes, dear. First, you should know to stay on the tracks once you get to the rail. It follows a treacherous path, but most of it is still intact. We don’t use it though since goblins aren’t miners. Second, you should know that it will be my father's birthday tomorrow, so he will be distracted. That’s why you must go tomorrow. The entire city will be celebrating, and they will most likely all be drunk on stolen dwarven whiskey. And lastly, there is a vicious minotaur who guards my father’s treasure.”

  “Great, so I have to fight a vicious minotaur,” I said. I glanced at Sawsaw for help, but his big eyes were opened even wider than usual, and I guessed that he was beyond excited about our dangerous adventure.

  “Yes, but more importantly, you have to cut off his balls,” Nika informed me casually.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Balls!” Sawsaw yelled happily.

  “I told you that minotaur testicles will give you a stronger libido. Trust me, Ken Jewell. You will need it.”

  “Alright. How much treasure are we talking about?” I asked as I pinched the bridge of my nose again and tried not to think about the army of goblins or the minotaur that I was supposed to neuter.

  “Let’s just say that it will make what you found on the dead dwarves look like a beggar's purse,” Nika explained.

  “Really?” I said, and thoughts of riches played through my mind.

  “Yes!” she laughed. “If you do this, Ken Jewell, you will be one of the richest men on the surface world. I promise.”

  “I already feel like the richest man in the world,” I said as I gestured to her, Sawsaw, and our home.

  “Awwww,” she said with a kind smile. “Now you can feel like the richest man and actually be the richest man. Okay? You will like it. You will see.”

  A tired laugh escaped me, and I shook my head at the both of them. Sawsaw was practically drooling on the table at the mention of such adventure and riches, and Nika’s smile was filled with adoration. It seemed like she had complete confidence in my ability to navigate my way to her city somehow, sneak into her father’s treasure room, de-ball a minotaur, and escape with untold riches.

  A month ago, I would have thought she was crazy, but her confidence seemed well placed. Since we had been together, I’d given her everything that she wanted.

  Now I was going to go do it again.

  “Alright,” I said. “I’ll go get that treasure.”

  “And find a new wife,” she reminded me.

  “Yeah,” I laughed. “I’ll try.”

  “Yay!” Nika cheered.

  “Holy shit, Momma!” Sawsaw cheered with her, and soon the two were dancing around the cabin.

  That night I couldn’t sleep, so I left Nika in bed and went out to the table to prepare my gear for the next day. I decided that I would need to travel light if I was going to haul a bunch of treasure out of the underdark. So I could only pack the essentials.

  I stared at all my gear and decided first on the flashlight. It still had plenty of battery life left, and I would definitely need it in those dark halls. My M17 was a no-brainer, as was everything else on my utility belt. I included my tarp as well, thinking that it might be good to wrap up more loot in. The net that I had taken from the kobolds would be useful, but that was currently being used as a hammock, so I made a mental note to grab it in the morning.

  As I was sorting through my gear, Sawsaw came trudging over sleepily and joined me at the table.

  “Dadda?” he said curiously.

  “I’m just packing for the morning. What else do you think we’ll need?” I asked, and he scrunched up his nose and examined the gear with his big brown eyes.

  “Sawsaw!” he said as he pointed at a dwarven hatchet.

  “Hmm,” I said. I didn’t like the idea of him carrying such a deadly weapon, but then again, he had been carrying my pocket knife around for a week, and he hadn’t cut himself. “Alright, kiddo. You can bring the hatchet.”

  “Sawsaw!” he said and pointed at a dagger that I had picked up in the underdark as well.

  “Now you’re pushing it, kid,” I warned him.

  “Sawsaw!” he demanded.

  “Fine,” I said, and he clapped happily. “But let’s get one thing straight, soldier. Tomorrow we are going on a very important mission. Tomorrow you’re not my son, you’re a soldier. And I expect my soldiers to listen to what I say. The consequence of disobedience could mean failure of the mission, or god forbid, death.”

 
“Shit,” he said heavily.

  “Shit is right,” I told him with all seriousness. “If we stick with the plan and watch each other’s backs, we just might get out of there with the loot. Then we can buy more food than even you could ever eat.”

  “Sawsaw?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I mean it,” I said. “Now, what’s the most important thing to remember tomorrow?”

  He scrunched up his little green nose and squeezed his eyes. Then his face lit up with excitement.

  “Sawsaw,” he said as he glanced around warily.

  “That’s right,” I said. “Keep your eyes open. What else?”

  “Sawsaw,” he said as he pumped his arms really fast and ran in place. Then he crouched down low and began to fade into the background with his camouflage power.

  “That’s right, be fast and sneaky. What else?”

  “Hmmm,” he said, and scratched his chin. “Sawsaw?” he said in a whisper.

  “Yes, good. We must be as quiet as possible. But what is rule number one?”

  He answered this quickly and even slapped my shoulder. “Dadda!”

  “That’s right, son. I’m in charge. You listen to me, even when you think you have a better idea, and we’ll get through this just fine, got it?”

  He nodded and gave me a hug that I returned.

  “Goodnight, Little Dude, sleep well,” I told him.

  “Sawsaw,” he said as he walked back to his bed.

  I still didn’t feel tired, so I went out to the porch and sat in one of the rockers that I had made. The red moon hung low in the west somewhere over the ocean, and I went over the map that Nika had made.

  The beautiful goblin woman had indicated that most of the clan would be shitfaced in celebration of her father’s birthday, and that would definitely work to our advantage. If everything went according to plan, we would go unseen and be back with the loot before first noon.

  I returned to bed and snuggled up to Nika.

  “I love you, Ken Jewell,” she said in her sleep.

  “I love you too, Nika Jewell.” I kissed her cheek and snuggled closer.

  Then we slept, and when I woke up, I would set off to raid the goblin king’s treasure.

  Chapter 13

  The first sun rose and lit the dawn sky with a thousand shades of fiery pink, mango, and azure. Sawsaw pointed at the sunrise with his mouth agape, and his eyes shimmered like distant stars.