I raised the knife, figuring maybe I had a chance to plunge it into his neck.
I didn’t have the chance.
The FMN pill had fully dissolved, and Rocket returned to the land of awareness and motion. As expected, he wasn’t pleased when he noticed the job I’d done on his fingers and wrist.
“I just spent a whole summer with Aunt Zelda, and now—WTF?!?”
He switch the Nife to his other, non-mutilated hand.
I took three quick steps back, and caught the green blur coming right at us.
A unbelievably fast, unbelievably large neon green blur with matching hair.
Yummi!
She somehow launched herself into the air, all three hundred kilos of her heading straight for Rocket.
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? I witnessed it firsthand.
—there was a sound like thunder mixed with hyperspanking.
—Yummi seemed to momentarily spread out like a giant pancake, her fat covering Rocket’s back in a neon green latex blanket.
—Rocket pitched forward, his Nife pointing upward.
—I rolled to the side.
—the roider’s eyes rolled up as he fell onto his own blade, it sinking into his enormous neck without resistance.
—Yummi’s momentum and natural elasticity actually bounced her into the air again, over Rocket. the antidote for the nanopoisonemy some hyperlottery ticketsllveryone
—I ducked.
—she sailed above my head, arms flailing wildly, and crashed into the counter.
—several gawkers offered some lackluster applause.
—Rocket’s head separated gently from his body and rolled under a table.
—Harry screamed, “Yummi!” and ran to her.
I got to my feet, side-stepped most of the blood, and once again set to work on freeing the Nife from Rocket’s fist. Now that he was dead his muscles were lax, and his hand opened without too much difficulty.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” Harry cooed.
“I think so.”
“You were amazing.”
“Thank you. I know fat-kwon-do.”
“Did you see that singing banana?”
“I did. He’s making me hungry.”
I walked over to them and carefully set the Nife on the counter. Harry was kneeling at Yummi’s side.
“You just saved my life,” I told her. “Thanks.”
“Anything for the man who introduced me to Harry-Berry.”
“So you two apparently hit it off,” I said to Harry-Berry.
He waggled his eyebrow. “Oh, we hit it all right. At least, I think we did. I’m not really sure. I was in some sort of crevice. Really warm and squishy. Could have been her cooter. Could have been butt action. Could have been her elbow. Or her cankle. Or back boob. This woman has more folds than an origami hippopotamus. Doesn’t really matter. It was the greatest thirty seconds of my life.”
“It was my armpit,” Yummi said, grinning and pointing at the body part in question.
Harry nodded. “Her armpit. Yeah. I thought I felt some stubble.”
Yummi somehow managed to stand up. Then she put her arm around his waist, tugging him close. “And he cried afterward. It was so sweet.”
Harry shrugged. “I may have shed a tear of appreciation.”
“He wept for five whole minutes.”
“It wasn’t five minutes.”
“He also sucked his thumb. It was adorable.”
“We’re getting married,” Harry said. “Talon, since you introduced us, we’d like you to be the best man.”
They kissed.
“Sure, whatever,” I was looking at the clock on my flamethrowerEARetDT. “We need to get out of here. We’re running out of time.”
“I’m serious, Talon. I’ve never known love like this before. The possibilities are endless. I could have sex every day for a year, and it would never be the same way twice.”
Yummi waddled off, seemingly distracted. I walked back over to Rocket and unstrapped the Nife sheath from his leg. It was wide enough to wrap around my waist. After returning to the counter I very very carefully put the Nife back in the sheath.
The piano music stopped, and I heard a high-pitched scream. I looked.
Yummi was eating the piano player.
“Sweetie, don’t eat the singing banana!” Harry said, hurrying over to her. “We can make a fortune off that guy!”
“But he’s so delicious,” she said, her lips around the blues singer. She hadn’t even bothered to peel him.
“Fat lady gonna eat me, I’m ‘bout to die,” the banana crooned.
“I’ll buy you any kind of food you want once we get out of dissytown,” Harry said. “This fruit is a one-way ticket to easy street. Now spit him out.”
Her full mouth pouted. “But I love the blues.”
“Now,” McGlade demanded, holding out his palm.
Yummi spit the banana into Harry’s hand.
“Guy with one eyebrow, he just saved my ass,” the banana sang.
Harry shoved him into his pocket.
“I’m in some dude’s pocket, and I just lost my job.”
Harry slapped his pants. “Quiet, you.”
“Someone is hitting me—”
“I’m serious,” Harry said, slapping his pocket three more times in rapid succession.
“Dude is serious, and I’m getting smacked.”
“We need to get out of here, right now,” I said, motioning them to follow as I beelined for the exit.
I didn’t see how we could get to Phin’s cabin, and then to Sata’s, in the time we had left.
But I was going to try like crazy.
Chapter 17
T-minus 50 minutes
Talon 2
I opened my eyes, gasping for air. too much woman for that.”
“arthere was">
My arm hurt.
My neck hurt.
My brain felt squishy, like I’d just had a vivid nightmare and didn’t know if I was still trapped inside it.
I focused, realized I was staring at the ceiling.
Phin, Grandma, and Alter-Vicki were staring down on me. Alter-Vicki held my hand, her cheeks glistening with tears.
“I thought I died,” I said.
Phin nodded. “You did. My wife killed you.”
“Virus travels fast through the bloodstream,” Grandma said, her eyes kind. “Only way to halt its progress is to stop your heart. After I broke your neck, I used a pump on your arm, suctioned out two pints of infected blood, and injected you with the Rejuvee serum. It restores tissue. Your arm wound and spine should be healing.”
I lifted my head, and it made disturbing crackling sounds, like a cellophane bag of bat guano chips.
“Can you guys hear that?”
No one said anything. Alter-Vicki bit her lower lip. Phin looked at the floor.
I turned my head again, and the cracks were so loud I scared myself. “Grandma? Is that normal?”
Grandma shrugged. “Try not to put much too strain on your neck for the next few hours.”
“And get your ass in gear,” Phin added. “We’re still surrounded by zombies.”
He offered me a hand up, my neck popping louder than a herd of cattle stampeding through a field of bubble wrap , and handed me the shotgun. Then Alter-Vicki kissed me, so hard it felt like my head was going to come off.
“I was so worried you were dead.” I tasted her tears on my lips. “Don’t ever leave me again.”
“I won’t,” I said.
“Promise.”
“I promise.”
Then we resumed killing zombies. Aim. Fire. Reload. Repeat. Every recoil of the shotgun made me painfully aware of my neck injury. Every time I turned my head I feared it would fall off.
“I’m out!” Phin said.
No one had any extra ammo to give him.
Alter-Vicki ran out next. Then me. Then Grandma.
One of the metal window
s bent inward, zombies climbing into the cabin.
I tore off part of my shirt, wrapped it around the hot barrel of my shotgun, and used it like a club. Phin did the same.
Another window popped free.?” Talon’s wi
fe asked.atTHE RIGHT TO REMAIN…, which p
There was no place to run. Nowhere to hide.
Game over.
Alter-Vicki cleaved to my side. Her face was frantic, but her eyes were loving. Her hand found mine.
“Thank you for saving my life, Talon,” she said, clear and resolute. “I know you’re not really my husband. He’s an evil man. You’re not. You’re kind. And even though you aren’t the person I married, my feelings for you are real. As real as they once were for him. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I said. And I meant it. In that single moment, she was no longer Alter-Vicki to me.
She was Vicki. My wife.
“We’re going to die here,” she breathed. “But meeting you was worth it.”
I held her tight and whispered, “On.”
Above the wail of the invading zombies, her LLVV activated. I kissed her and held her and swore to myself that even if we were ripped to pieces I was never, ever going to let her go.
Then there was a sound like thunder mixed with hyperspanking.
“It’s raining!” Grandma’s voice was strong, sure, and best of all, it conveyed hope.
As Vicki ground against me, whimpering low in her throat, I looked around the cabin. All the undead trying to climb into the windows were retreating, going back into the yard. The sounds of zombie moans were replaced by something akin to yelping.
I pried Vicki off me, though she’d somehow managed to hook both of her ankles around mine, and then stuck my head out the nearest broken window.
The zombies were shambling away, fast as their lopsided gaits could take them. It didn’t seem like much of a downpour, and I didn’t notice any lighting, so I couldn’t understand the hurry.
Acid rain?
No. It was falling on my own head, and didn’t hurt in the least.
So why were they—?
Then I saw something strange. Well, stranger. Several of the undead were clutching at their heads, wearing what looked like pink, floppy hats.
“Talon!” Grandma called. “Get inside!”
That’s when something landed on my scalp. Something cold and heavy and wet.
Immediately I felt pressure around my neck, like a noose tightening. My neck popped like a string of firecrackers going off. I clutched at whatever strangled me, feeling slime and movement.
Whatever had landed on me was alive.
“Hold still!” Phin yelled, raising up his shotgun like a bat.
“No!” the antidote for the nanopoisonem, sir,” Alter-Vicki said.ut the p I yelled.
But it was too late. He brained me with the gun stock, right in the noggin, knocking me onto my ass.
“That won’t work!” Grandma called from the kitchen. She came out holding a sack and dumped it onto my head. White crystals rained down on me, some getting in my mouth.
Salt.
Whatever was strangling me flopped off my head and onto the floor, tentacles twisting and curling as it frantically tried to crawl away. Grandma reached down, grabbed it, and chucked it out the open window. Then she looked at each of us in turn.
“What?” she said. “It doesn’t rain squid on your earth?”
None of us answered, but there was communal head shaking, mine with accompanying sound effects.
“Zombies hate them. They land on their heads, like hats, then their beaks eat the zombie’s brains.”
“Squid hats,” Phin said.
“Baby squid hats,” Grandma corrected. “These are the young ones. The adults are a lot bigger.”
I coughed, spat salt on the floor, and said, “Your planet sucks.”
I looked at Vicki, but she was doubled over, fists clenched, moaning softly. Obviously in the throes of an orgasm.
“Is your wife okay?” Grandma asked.
Vicki let out a cry. I explained, with some embarrassment, what an LLVV was, then said, “Off” after my wife had finished.
“Let me get this straight,” Grandma said. “Your earth has no zombies, no killer squid when it rains, and women can have orgasms on voice command?”
“Pretty much.”
Grandma grabbed Phin’s hand and smiled wickedly. “Sign me up.”
That’s when Sata materialized in the middle of the room. In his hands was an aluminum cylinder that looked like a fire extinguisher.
“I went to another earth, brought back some zombie repellant,” he said.
Indeed, the cylinder said ZOMBIE REPELLENT on the side. It also had a cartoon picture of a zombie with Xs over its eyes and his tongue sticking out.
Phin rubbed his forehead. I rubbed my neck. Grandma went over to Vicki and began asking her how much the LLVV cost.
“What did I miss?” Sata asked.
I checked my DT. We were cutting it close.
“Any way to get to the shed and more weapons?” I asked Grandma, interrupting her questions.
“While it’s raining? No way.”ering pizzas.”
ed to no longer G
Then our only hope was that Talon managed to get a Nife.
“Is it raining squid?” Sata said, peeking cautiously out the window.
“It’s worse when it snows,” Grandma said. “Then we get alien space bats.”
“Everyone ready?” Sata asked.
I came up behind Alter-Vicki, put my arms around her. A familiar move, one I’d done hundreds of times.
This time I didn’t pull away.
“I know it sounds crazy, but I think I’m going to miss this place,” Grandma said. She reached out for Phin’s hand. He took it.
“I don’t think you will,” he told her.
Sata pet the bunny and we went through the wormhole and back to Phin’s cabin.
Grandma looked around. “I love it. It’s just what I’ve always dreamed of.”
Harry and Talon weren’t in the cabin. I walked outside, Vicki in tow, and went to the buried weapons.
They weren’t there either. And the locker was still closed.
I pressed my earlobe, activating my headphone, and dialed Talon’s number.
Got a busy signal.
I was redialing when I realized the problem. Talon’s headphone number was my headphone number.
Of course it would be busy. You can’t call yourself.
I tried to call Harry, but I didn’t have his number. I checked the DT, logging into the CPD database, but it came up as unlisted.
Of course it w
as unlisted. McGlade dealt in black market contraband.
Boy, was I stupid. Both of me.
“They’re not here.” Phin and Jack had walked up behind us. Jack was sniffling.
“Sorry,” she said, wiping a tear away with the back of her hand. “Just saw my own grave. It’s just so… sweet.”
I looked at the time. The world was going to end in forty-three minutes, and it would take us at least forty to get to Sata’s place, and that’s if traffic was good.
“What do we do now?” Vicki asked.
I turned to look at her, my neck cracking.
“We wait.”
Chapter 18
T-minus 45?” Talon’s wife asked.t glance never “Yes.” minutes
Talon
As we powerwalked through the filthy, depressing slums of dissytown in search of the exit, I spoke to Harry out of the corner of my mouth. “There’s no way Yummi will fit on your biofuel scooter. She’s too much woman for that.”
“I love her. She’s my soulmate.”
“You just met her half an hour ago.”
“Don’t be like all the others and dispute our love, Talon.”
All the others? WTF was he talking about?
“All the others? WTF are you talking about?”
“You don’t know what it’s like to
be judged. To be the object of scorn and hate.”
“The whole world thinks I’m a genocidal maniac,” I reminded him. “And I haven’t seen a single person judge you.”
“Ours is a love that will last forever, Talon, and your mocking won’t change that.”
“Who’s mocking you, you dumbass?”
“Call me all the names you want to. You can’t destroy our love.”
Yummi was a few steps behind us, her latex bodysuit making squeaking sounds as her thighs rubbed together. Impressive that she could keep up, given her size and our fast pace, but her breath was ragged and she was bathed with sweat despite the cool temperature.
I shook my head. “We’re not going to make it back to the cabin in time. Have Yummi wait for you here. We’ll save the world and come back for her.”
McGlade made a face. “What if we don’t save the world, Talon? I want her with me in case we need to teleport to another earth. You’ve got that TEV thingy.”
I glanced back at Yummi, wondering if the TEV beam was wide enough to accommodate her.
“Why are you boys going so fast?” Yummi called from two meters behind us.
“We’re running late, sweetie. If we don’t make it in time, the earth is going to be destroyed.”
“Crammed in a pocket, and the earth is doomed.”
“Can’t you just hush for five minutes?” Harry told his pants.
“Can’t hush the blues, friend,” the banana answered in a rare moment of not signing. “It’s the music of the multiverse. Without music there’s no purpose.”
We ducked through an alley. I checked the time on my DT again. Thirty-eight minutes until the end of the world.
“Boys, can you wait up?” Yummi huffed. “I’m tiering pizzas.”
ed to smiled. Gred. I’m hungry. And I’m horny.”
McGlade tugged my arm. “We should stop for a minute.”
“Are you on hypercrack? We can’t stop.”
“But my sweetie is horny.”
“She also said she was tired and hungry.”
“All I heard was horny.”
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