I pulled my arm free. “We’re not stopping for a booty call, McGlade.”
“It’ll just take twenty seconds. I’m fast.”
“You’re an idiot.”
Harry’s pants spoke up. “While you gentlemen are discussing the pros and cons of rapid coitus on this apparent eve of destruction, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Plantain. Amarillo Plantain. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“Hello, Amarillo,” I said. I’d given up trying to make sense out of anything anymore, and just rolled with it. “I’m Talon, and the guy who put you in his pocket next to his junk is Harry.”
“Never saw singing fruit before,” Harry said to his pants. “You certainly have appeal.”
McGlade then made a rimshot sound, “Ba-da, tchh.”
“Yeah. A peel. Never heard that one before.”
“Where’d you come from, Amarillo?” Harry asked. “Some science experiment gone wrong? Another planet? An alternate universe?”
“Don’t rightly know,” Amarillo said. “Seems like I’ve always been here. When you’ve been around as long as I have, time tends to blur.”
“Yeah, that’s interesting,” Harry said, the lack of interest apparent in his voice. “I’m not really digging your name. If we’re going to make a lot of money together, we should change it to something catchier.”
“Folks call me Em,” said the banana.
“How about Captain Bananahead? That’s catchy. We can shorten it to CB. Can you do music other than the blues, CB?”
“The blues are music of the multiverse.”
“But will the kids buy it? We need to think about the children, CB. You’re unique, that’s true. I see a line of plush toys that play music when you squeeze them, maybe dance a bit. But singing about losing your job and your woman cheating on you? That shit is depressing.”
“Life is depressing,” Amarillo said.
“How about disco? We get you a little sequined leisure suit, hook you up with a drum machine. Maybe get some back-up singers with afros and bell bottoms.” the antidote for the nanopoisonem, sir,” Alter-Vicki said.llveryone
“That doesn’t sound like something that would interest me.”
“Fuck interest. This is credits we’re talking about here. We’ll make a fortune.”
“Your fortune won’t mean anything if the earth is gone,” I told Harry. “We need to start running or we won’t make it.”
“We ain’t gonna make it, the world is gonna end,” Amarillo sang.
McGlade whacked his pants. “Enough with the blues. If you want to sing about the world ending, make it more upbeat. Something like, the world is over, but your ass is super fine.”
Just to make sure, I pinched myself.
Nope. Wasn’t dreaming.
“Boys!” Yummi yelled. “I can’t keep up!”
“Harry,” I pleaded, “we need to leave her here.”
“I won’t leave Yummi, Talon.”
“If you boys are in such a gosh-darn hurry,” Yummi yelled, “why don’t we use my heliplane?”
McGlade and I stopped and exchanged a WTF glance.
Harry spun around. “You got a heliplane, sweetie?”
“Duh,” Yummi said. “You think I ride around on a biofuel scooter? I’m too much woman for that.”
“Gotta love that deus ex machina,” Amarillo said. “It seems to happen a lot around you fellas.”
I checked the time on my DT.
Maybe we’d all live through this after all.
Chapter 19
T-minus 35 minutes
Talon 2
“We can’t wait anymore,” I said. “Or else our biofuel scooters won’t get us there in time.”
“I’ve got a Harley,” Phin said.
“You kept it?” Grandma asked. “The Fat Boy Lo?”
“Hell, yes.”
“What’s a Fat Boy Lo?” Vicki asked.
“A motorcycle,” Phin told her. “It’s a lot faster than those sissy biofuel bikes. I can get you there, Talon.”
I gave him a slow, firm shake of my head. “This isn’t your fight, Phin. Sata can send you and Grandma someplace else. Some?” Talon’s wife asked.t glance quickly “Yes.”place safe.”
Jack folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t run from fights. How about you, Phin?”
He grinned. “Running ain’t my style.”
“You two just found each other again. If anything happened to you—”
Grandma put her finger on my lips, shushing me. “I know we don’t know each other. At least, not these versions of one another. But we’re family, Talon. Family sticks together.”
I understood what she meant. This wasn’t my earth, wasn’t my wife, but I felt the same sense of responsibility as if they were.
But at the same time, I had a bad feeling about all of this.
“Take this.” Sata handed me a TEV. “Without weapons, it may be your only chance. I programmed the beam to open a wormhole to an earth devastated by nuclear war. Send the bad guys there. If the nuclear winter doesn’t kill them, the radiation will.”
“Thanks,” I said, nodding at Sata.
“We’ll be right behind you,” Vicki reached out and took my hand. She gave it a squeeze.
I pulled her in close and kissed her.
Phin kissed Jack.
It all seemed so bittersweet. So final.
But it also seemed like destiny. Our lives, all of our lives, had been leading up to this very moment.
“One thing that troubles me,” Sata said. “If this earth is essentially a superpartner of the dark earth, it will definitely be destroyed in twenty minutes. The laws of physics, specifically quantum entanglement, will prevent us from doing anything to stop it.”
“Fuck the laws of physics,” I said. “Let’s ride.”
Chapter 20
T-minus 29 minutes
Talon
With twenty-nine minutes left until the world was destroyed, we were crammed into Yummi’s heliplane and heading toward Phin’s cabin.
The ride wasn’t pleasant. Though the heliplane was big enough to accommodate four people, Yummi took up the space of three. That meant McGlade, Amarillo, and I were folded into the overhead storage bin, which was much less cozy than it sounded. We were on our sides, Harry spooned in tight behind me, and I hoped the bulge I felt was the singing banana.
I tried to call Talon 2 on my headphone, and got a busy signal.
“So, sweetie,” Harry said, his voice in my ear, “how can you afford a heliplane? Aren’t they for the super rich?”ering pizzas.”
ow watchight“Yes.”
“I am super rich, Harry-Berry. The BHV thing is just a philanthropic hobby. I’m an SLP. Because of my polymorphous perversity and expansive, foldy surface area, I can sexually satisfy fifteen people at once. At two thousand credits per person, four sessions per day, five days a week, the income really begins to accrue.”
“You have sex with sixty people a day, five days a week?” Harry asked.
“No. Those are just the ones I charge. I have sex with more than that.”
“How many more?” Harry asked.
“Well, I try to fit in all of my spouses at least twice a week.”
“How many is that?” Harry asked.
“Eight husbands, five wives.”
“Eight husbands and five wives?” Harry asked.
“Soon to be nine husbands, Harry-Berry. But first I’ll have to get my wedding dress back from the cleaners. Got some cake stains on it last Thursday.”
I wondered how Harry was processing this development.
“You’re so incredibly awesome,” Harry said. He nudged me. “You hear that, Talon? Rich, constant sex, and she’s a philatelist.”
“Philanthropist.”
“She’s that too? What a woman.”
“She’s a one woman orgy, and she collects stamps,” sang Amarillo.
At least someone in the vehicle knew what a philatelist was.
“How close are we, Yummi?” I asked.
“Almost there. Does he have enough open area for a vertical landing?”
I tried to picture Phin’s cabin. “He’s got some clear space in his yard, but there are a lot of trees around.”
“That should be fine. If it is too dense, I’ll use the laser.”
Harry nudged me. “She’s got a laser. How hot is that?”
“Lasers are several thousand degrees,” sang Amarillo, “and I just lost my job.”
“Disco, CB. Stick with disco. And what did I tell you about those depressing lyrics?”
“My rent is late—”
“Depressing.”
“They found a tumor—”
“How is that upbeat? Be upbeat.”
“They found a tumor, but it was benign too much woman for that.”
“m kissed, it had to have been one of the most passionate, most intense, most loving kisses in the history of humankind. And it made sense that it was. They’d conquered time and conquered death and traversed the multiverse for that kiss.
How many marriages could boast that?
onTp—”
“Tumors are not upbeat. Any sort of growth or medical condition is not going to sell.”
“My house burned down—”
“Are you listening to me even a little bit? If I’m going to manage your career and earn my 85%, you’re going to have to pay attention and trust me.”
“My girl is a hottie, and her ass is fine.”
“That’s my banana.”
I pinched myself again. Still not dreaming. But that was the thing about life. Sometimes it’s boring, and nothing happens. Sometimes everything happens at once. And sometimes it’s just plain stupid.
“We’re here. Hold on.”
There was nothing to hold on to except for McGlade, and I elected not to. Though he did wrap his arms around my waist like a seat belt.
Yummi didn’t have to use the laser. We landed without incident. I disentangled myself from McGlade and unfolded myself out of the luggage carrier.
Yummi stood next to her craft, leaning against one of the airfoils. She helped me out of the cabin, giving me a slap on the ass after my feet touched terra firma. But then she stepped in front of me.
“You’re adorable,” she said. “And you seem familiar for some reason. Have we met?”
“Sort of.” I’d been intimate with another version of her on my earth.
Actually, I wasn’t thinking broadly enough. Infinite versions of me had been intimate with infinite versions of her on infinite parallel earths.
Yummi snapped her fingers and pointed. “You’re that guy they’re looking for. The one that disintegrated Boise.”
Or maybe she’d just seen Alter-Talon on the news.
“That wasn’t me,” I said.
“Ah,” Yummi said. “That explains it.”
She let me pass, and gave me another pat on the bottom. Though heavisex wasn’t my thing, I couldn’t help liking her.
I scanned Phin’s yard, looking around for my crew. No one was there.
“Phin? Grandma?”
I hurried into the cabin, found it empty.
“Did they leave already, or not get back yet?” Harry asked when I came out.
I didn’t have an answer.
I walked over to where the weapon locker was buried, and carefully used the Nife to cut around the nanotube lock. It was easy as poking a finger into the freshly fallen snow. the antidote for the nanopoisonem, cracking my head against his jawllveryone
McGlade and I tugged the top open.
Guns and ammo. Lots of it.
“Whoa,” Harry said. He pointed to an odd-looking weapon with a backpack attached to it. “It that a—?”
“I think so.” I wasn’t sure. I’d never seen one before.
“Dibs. That sucker is bad ass.”
It was pretty bad ass. So were the rest of the armaments in the locker.
“Let’s load up,” I said. “We’ve got a world to save.”
Chapter 21
T-minus 21 minutes
“Is that all you got?”
Dark Alter-Talon cocked his arm back and let the punch fly, hitting Alter-Talon in the side of the head.
Then they both began to laugh.
“This nanotube armor is amazing,” Alter-Talon said. “I didn’t feel a thing. You?”
“Nada. I could punch through concrete with this suit on.”
It was the latest model, made of carbon nanotube memory fiber. Lightweight, no heavier than synthetic canvas. But when the armor registered an impact—anything from a punch or kick to high caliber bullets to Tesla lightning—it reverted to its solid form. A form so strong it could even repel weapons made from nanotubes, like a Nife. The armor was also heat and radiation resistant, and the helmet had a rebreather which stored five minutes of O2.
Plus it was black and slick and looked totally badass.
It had been a long time since he’d felt anything like happiness, but Alter-Talon could sense it deep inside, waiting to come out. Once he had his new appendages, he was going to take a long vacation. Iraq, maybe. Great skiing in Iraq. He might even take new Vicki along.
That is, if she hadn’t died yet.
“So there’s basically nothing they can do to us,” Dark Alter-Talon said. “We’re invincible.”
“Not quite.”
Both Talons turned, swinging their nanonet shotguns at the intruder at Sata’s front door.
No, not intruder. Intruders. Standing there was Sata. And another Sata.
These were the heavily muscled versions, not the weak one who had been imprisoned with the byter and had escaped earlier.
“Sata-san,” both Talons said, bowing.
Neither Sata returned the bow. “Where are your TEVs?” one of them#amCan you ST“Yes.” asked.
Both Talons patted their waists. Each had a slight bulge beneath the flexible armor.
“What if they were to use a TEV on you both?” asked the other Sata. “Send you to a parallel earth?”
“We could just come back.”
“They could send you to an earth ravaged by volcanic eruptions, or hydrochloric acid rain, or with a temperature of near absolute zero, or is ruled by giant scorpions who eat carbon nanotubes. In the time it would take you to pull your TEVs out of your suits, program UFSE to find this earth, and tune in to the octeract point, you could both be dead.”
“So…” Alter-Talon said, “we should have our TEVs outside our armor?”
Both Satas shook their heads. “Then the TEVs will be susceptible to weapon attacks. And they’ll be bringing weapons.”
“Then what do we do?” Dark Alter-Talon asked.
The Sata on the left held up a black object, no bigger than a finger. “This is a remote control that can be synced with your TEVs. Program them to return you to this earth, and strap them to your waists so the beams face you. If you’re sent to an alternate earth, simply press the button on the remote and you’ll instantly return.”
“Cool,” both Talons said. The Satas gave them each a remote.
“So, now we’re invincible,” Dark Alter-Talon said.
“Yes,” said a Sata. “But remember, right after you capture the Talons, we need to leave this earth. Quantum entanglement predicts it will implode, as did its dark matter superpartner. There may be nothing we can do to stop it, so best just get out while you have time.”
Alter-Talon nodded. Then he excused himself to check on his wife who really wasn’t his wife but soon would be if she were still alive.
He walked through Sata’s living room, over to the lab. After pressing an ear to the door and hearing nothing, even with his helmet speakers turned up, he knocked.
“Are you ladies decent? Can I come in?”
Alter-Talon pushed the door inward, and saw Dr. Patel where he’d left her, against the wall and encased in a nanotube net. Her eyes were wide with panic.
“Please let us go,” she whimpered. “
It’s killing her.”
Alter-Talon let his eyes roam to the other side of the room. Vicki was on her back, also in a net. Her eyelids were fluttering. The byter was crouched next to her, its proboscis attached to her neck. Feeding.
Alter-Talon didn’t like the byter. Not one bit. Those things creeped him out, and this one was especially big and smart. When he and Dark Alter-Talon had put the women in this room, Alter-Talon had explained to the byter that it could drink Vicki’s blood as long it left Dr. Patel alone. Amazingly, the byter seemed to understand. After ?” Talon’s wife asked.atForget-Me-Not, which pa week of feeding sporadically on Sata, it appeared happy to have a large meal, and was sucking on Vicki like an extra large soda.
Vicki didn’t look well. She was pale, and, even from a few meters away, Alter-Talon could see her clothes were soaked with sweat.
“Remember our deal,” he told the byter. “Don’t kill her. As a reward, you’ll get plenty of new people to feed on. And you’ll be able to kill them.”
The byter made a clickin
g sound, which Alter-Talon took to be agreement.
Creepy.
Alter-Talon checked his DT. Eighteen minutes left until the world ended.
As far as he was concerned, that wasn’t soon enough.
Chapter 22
T-minus 18 minutes
Talon 2
I’d been through so many scary moments in the last few days that I’d forgotten them all, but riding bitch on Phin’s Harley as he hit 200kph was up there with the worst of them. We were going so fast his rear tire actually tore up the greentop behind him, leaving a dirt rut. The bike was big, weighing at least 400kg, and the sissy biofuel scooters Phin mentioned gave us a wide berth, no doubt afraid of being run over. I wasn’t a big fan of insects, but I became uncomfortably familiar with the tastes of more than a dozen species, having swallowed them as the wind slapped my face and blew my mouth open.
While holding on for dear life, I managed to keep my mind occupied with thoughts of the upcoming encounter. According to Sata, this earth was akin to a superpartner with its dark earth counterpart. The alter-earth I’d been on was destroyed over three hours ago, and because of the laws of quantum entanglement, this one was destined to do the same.
Timecaster: Supersymmetry Page 19