(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  What the hell was he doing? I had a boyfriend! Yet I didn’t shove him away. Instead, I reached my arm around his neck, my other hand gripping his shirt and tugging him closer to me, my back smacking into his Jeep. Heat shot through me—I could feel it in my chest, my belly, seeping right down to between my thighs.

  Every ounce of emotion I felt—anger, loss, fear, desire—released itself into the kiss. His hands roamed down my back, resting on my butt and pushing me hard against him. I felt his erection against my stomach, turning me into a ball of raging hormones.

  I parted my lips to let him deepen the kiss. Our tongues danced together, tasting and exploring.

  All the feelings I’d turned off when he walked out of my life slammed back into me. I missed this. It felt like home. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I didn’t want to let go.

  I didn’t have to.

  Zach pushed away from me. “We shouldn’t do this,” he said breathlessly against my cheek. He rested his forehead against mine, his hand gripping the Jeep to my side.

  “I know,” I whispered and when he blinked up, his familiar eyes looking past the surface, reflecting everything I felt, I was sucked in, and all common sense was gone. I mashed my lips to his, pressing my hips into him. Electricity sparked between us again as our tongues met and I moaned.

  Needing to feel more of him I reached up, holding his face in my hands. At my touch he thrust his tongue into my mouth and tingles ran across my scalp, continuing down my spine. It was everything I remembered, but even more because of my desperation to make up for all the time lost between us.

  Zach ripped away from me, running his hands through his hair. It was like a punch to the gut. I slumped against the Jeep, breathless and spent. The passion faded out of Zach’s gaze and was quickly replaced by anger, disappointment—and what else, I wasn’t really sure. But when his eyes met mine I could feel his discontent.

  “I can’t. Not while you’re with him.”

  I stood completely speechless, my mind running in a million different directions, my lips swollen from his kisses. It was a little late for that now, wasn’t it? My eyes burned with pain, and I turned away before he had a chance to see.

  His large hand engulfed my much smaller one.

  “I need you to know this—despite what you may think, I still care about you.”

  I ran my fingers along my lips, already feeling the loss of him. An ache grew in my stomach and memories of that summer invaded my thoughts. Of all the tears I shed when he gave up on me. On us.

  My desire was gone, replaced by the confusion that ran rampant in my head, but when I looked up at him, resentment was all I felt. I tore my hand from his and distanced myself.

  “No,” I said. “You don’t get to do that. If you actually cared, truly cared about me, you would have called. I haven’t heard from you in over a year. You have no idea what is going on in my life. So you don’t get the option to care about me. You lost that right the minute you decided to forget me.”

  He stepped closer, completely closing the gap between us. “I never forgot about you.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. I hated that he could break through the anger coursing through me.

  I looked out into the darkness, allowing the anger to consume me.

  “Yeah? Well you have a really shitty way of showing it.”

  And with that I walked away, not looking back.

  ***

  Have you ever woken up and wondered, where did it all go wrong? That was my first thought on Sunday.

  After Joe was carried away and I lost my freaking mind and basically threw myself at Zach, I went back to the party and drank until I could barely walk. Turning to alcohol instead of dealing with my emotions was not my style. But I wanted to forget. Forget how Zach’s lips felt on mine. How good it felt to be in his arms again. How my body betrayed my head and responded to his touch, his scent. No. I didn’t want to remember any of it. Because the only thing it would lead to was heartache.

  That morning, drinking my problems away seemed like the biggest mistake of my life. Especially when I got a call from my parents at eight a.m. to tell me their ship was in port and they’d be emailing me pictures.

  I felt like my head was in a vise grip. My mouth was so dry that my tongue stuck to the roof, and the sun shining through my window was quickly becoming my biggest nemesis. To say I felt awful would be putting it mildly. Very, very mildly.

  I hurried them off the phone before my head exploded.

  If having a killer hangover wasn’t bad enough, the apartment looked like a war zone. Beer cups littered every surface, the beer can tower was twice the size of me, and chairs were flipped on their sides. Worst of all, I was alone.

  Josh had taken off after I told him I hated him. He’d met me in the parking lot right after I stormed away from Zach and told me that the party was my problem and I was on my own, in less kind words. I’ve never seen him so mad. Then again, I had never been so angry at him either.

  I wish I knew where he’d gone, though. Was he okay? I didn’t see him with a beer, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t drinking.

  I hoped he’d had sense enough not to drink and drive. That’s all I needed, a call from the local county jail, telling me my brother was sitting behind bars, a criminal charged with a DWI. Or worse. I didn’t even want to think about it. But there was no way—Josh was smarter than that.

  And where the hell was Sadie?

  I had a headache the size of Texas, a mouth drier than the Sahara, and a mess a pig would be proud of. It was a great morning.

  After putting sunglasses on to shield my eyes from the endless rays of sunshine, I started cleaning in the kitchen. By the third garbage bag I came to the conclusion that my apartment had clearly been invaded by a bunch of Neanderthals.

  I mean, how hard was it to throw a cup in the garbage? Apparently painstakingly difficult. As I picked up part of a broken bottle from the counter I glanced up, remembering the red liquid that had splashed across the kitchen the night before. The glass shattering on the floor. Zach coming to help me.

  If it wasn’t for Zach helping me that wine could have stained, and I wouldn’t have been able to get rid of the stain no matter how much cleaning I did. Our deposit would have been in serious jeopardy.

  Okay, so he had his moments, but that didn’t mean I was going to talk to him. He’d kissed me. Technically I’d kissed him back and then initiated it again after he pulled away, but nobody needed to know that. I had a boyfriend! What the hell was he thinking?

  Besides, he had come to the party with Tanya. She would have been more than eager to wrap her body around him and tangle their tongues together, so why me?

  And since when did he start throwing punches anyway? He was the type of guy who settled a fight with a game of Wii bowling or tennis. I guess he had changed. He was no longer my Zach. He still had that cool, unguarded charm, but throwing punches? My Zach would never have done that.

  What was I thinking? He wasn’t my Zach anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time.

  It took two long hours to get my place back to normal. It would have taken half that if I hadn’t been dragging so much. At two hours and five minutes, Sadie showed up. Figures.

  I opened the door to find her in the same clothes from the night before. “Sade, where the hell have you been?”

  By the huge smile she wore, I didn’t need to be concerned.

  “I was with Matt,” she said, red spreading across her cheeks. “Forgot my keys.”

  “Wait you were with Matt all night?! Did you guys—?”

  “No!” She jumped in before I could finish my question. “We just talked.” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. “He’s not like the other guys,” she protested.

  “Really? You just talked?” I wasn’t buying it for a second.

  “Okay, fine, we kissed.”
Her lips pulled tight before she added, “A lot.”

  “At least somebody had a good night.” I ran my fingers through my hair and held it up on top of my head.

  “You look like crap.”

  I looked at her, defeated, tired, and completely hungover. “Liz, what happened?” she asked, coming closer.

  “Not sure how much you missed, but I’ll give you a quick overview.” We walked into the kitchen as I recounted the night’s events. “Evan tried to open a wine bottle against the wall,” her eyes widened and I responded with, “I know. Then I stumbled on him and Vicky with their tongues down each other’s throats.” Sadie’s eyes widened even more. “Yeah, and then I found Scott and Ruthie about to get it on in my bed.”

  “No! They didn’t!” She smacked her hands on the counter.

  “Don’t worry. I already threw my sheets in the wash. And of course Joe got drunk.”

  “Oh God, not again.” Her gray eyes practically rolled into the back of her head.

  “Yeah. He was getting all touchy-feely, and I wasn’t in the mood for it and I pushed him off me, and I kind of dragged some unwanted attention to us. So Zach interpreted it as my boyfriend was trying to take advantage of me, which he wasn’t, and Zach punched him in the face.”

  “Wait a second!” She held her hand up to stop me. “Zach as in Zach-Zach?”

  “We only know one Zach.”

  “Are we sure we’re talking about the same Zach? The Zach that made me and you settle an argument by Wii bowling?” I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one whose thoughts went there.

  “That’s the one,” I said.

  “Get out of here. Why do I always miss the good stuff?”

  “It wasn’t so good. Trust me. Afterwards I kicked him out and then Josh kicked Joe out.” I tentatively placed a grape in my mouth, hoping I’d be able to keep it down. And hoping Sadie wouldn’t ask any more details about Zach. Because frankly, I had no desire to tell her about our argument after I kicked him out. Especially not about the kiss. I just wanted to pretend it never happened.

  “Typical Joe. Can’t really blame Josh.” She ignored my evil glare and continued. “So you left your own party to drive him home?”

  “No, Charlie drove him home.”

  “Oh,” she exclaimed, turning away from me.

  “What?” I demanded.

  “Nothing.”

  “Sade, I don’t know if you realize this, but today is not a day for ambiguity. What is it?”

  She tossed her hair over her shoulder and chewed on her fingernail. “Well, don’t you think it’s weird that Charlie drove him home?”

  Why would I think that was weird? Sadie over thought everything. You would think with her mom being a psychiatrist she would have a better grasp on reality.

  “No. I was blocked in. She was parked in the street.”

  “Yeah but . . .”

  “But what?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. She’s always staring at him and following him around like a lost puppy.”

  “They’re bandmates. Nothing more.”

  “If you say so, but I’d keep my eye on her.” She tossed a grape in her mouth. “It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. Now enough of my drama. What happened with Matt?”

  “It turns out,” she paused for effect. “He’s liked me for years.”

  “Told you so.” I couldn’t help myself.

  Sadie filled me in on her entire night with Matt, from the minute they left the party to the second she walked back in the door. I was happy they’d finally had the guts to admit what everyone else had known all along.

  She stood up from the counter. “I’m going to shower then head out to pick up my brother.”

  After last night and knowing my v-card-losing plans were no longer, since Joe and I clearly needed to work a few things out, I wished she was staying in tonight.

  The water turned on in the bathroom, and at the same time the front door opened. Josh stepped in and as soon as he saw me he rolled his eyes and turned to walk out. Why the hell did he even bother coming back?

  “Wait. Where were you?” I stood up, hands on my hips, as if I were our parents.

  “Zach’s,” he mumbled.

  “Sleeping with the enemy.” I shook my head in disbelief.

  “First off, as good-looking as Zach is I wouldn’t sleep with him. He’s not my type. And secondly, he’s not the enemy. He was protecting you last night. You should be thanking him.”

  “Protecting me from what? From Joe?” I didn’t mean to yell. I just hated that Josh kept taking Zach’s side. He was my brother, dammit. We were a team. You didn’t abandon your teammates, no matter how much trouble they got into.

  “Liz, he’s an ass.”

  “Whatever. Just because you and Zach are BFF’s doesn’t mean you have to take his side. I’m your sister, for chrissake.” My hands flailed with each word.

  “Yes, you are, but that doesn’t change the fact that your boyfriend is an ass. Naturally I’d want to take your side, but this time you’re wrong. Dead wrong. Joe shouldn’t have said what he said, and he sure as hell should not have been trying to get you to do something you didn’t want to do. You’re lucky it was Zach that intervened, because if it was me, he would have had more than a bloody nose.”

  I didn’t say anything. My brother was not the violent type, and I couldn’t believe what he was saying.

  “You can do better than him, Liz.”

  “Like who? Zach?” I yelled. “In case you forgot, he left and stopped calling me, not the other way around.” Tears stung my eyes, but I pushed them back. “I loved him and, he destroyed me. Some great guy he turned out to be.”

  “People change. They grow up. Maybe it’s time you did the same.”

  Before I could think of a comeback, he grabbed his duffel bag and stomped his way to the door, slamming it behind him.

  I could have chased him. I could have continued the fight. I didn’t. There was nothing left to say.

  ***

  Josh left without a goodbye. Not even a text, though I do remember some point during the weekend him saying something about having to study for a science test and that he’d be heading out early. Still, he could have said goodbye.

  Whatever. He’d get over it. The next time he came to visit, this weekend would be a thing of the past. He probably wouldn’t even remember why he wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t worry about it. I had other things to worry about. Like getting to class.

  Jeans and a hoodie were all I could manage as I stumbled around my room Monday morning, still partially hungover, if that was even possible. I must’ve said “I’ll never drink again,” three hundred times within the last 24 hours.

  When I got to campus I didn’t wait for Joe. He’d stopped showing up for class a while ago anyway. Give the boy a pair of drumsticks and the delusion he’d be famous, and you might as well say goodbye to higher education. I hadn’t even called him Sunday to see how his nose was. It’s not that I wasn’t concerned—I just didn’t want to deal with it. Though, as I sat waiting for class to start and dwelling on the night’s events, I started to get angry with not only Josh and Zach, but Joe too.

  He ruined my weekend. He ruined my party. He ruined any chance of Josh liking him. And I could guarantee he wouldn’t remember a single second of it.

  He always drank too much. Granted it was a party, but there was no reason for him to get sloppy. He could never have just one drink. He wasn’t capable. One always turned into five and next thing you knew he’s passed out in the bushes.

  Monday was supposed to be the day I finally handed my v-card to Joe, but as I walked into class I couldn’t think of enough ways to avoid him. It was like I was back at square one, but instead of just dodging Zach, I was avoiding Joe too.

&
nbsp; Zach had already been at his desk when I walked into Principles of Writing. I would have sworn he was on a mission to slowly destroy me, but as soon as I walked in he’d moved his desk away from mine.

  When class ended, I bolted. Call it childish or whatever you’d like—I don’t care. I’d gone from being somewhat unknown on campus to the most talked about freshman around. Everywhere I went, someone told me how crazy my party had been and asked if Joe was okay. Somehow word had gotten out that Joe and Zach had gotten in this massive fight, the cops had been called, and basically all hell had broken loose. It was like that game you play when you’re little: telephone. The message gets so warped by moving from one person to the next that by the time it reaches the end it’s completely fabricated.

  I ditched my last class and headed home. I was tired. Tired of everything. I wanted my pj’s, a brownie, and Sadie’s collection of the ultimate rom coms. An afternoon of vegging out and turning my brain off was exactly what I needed. Plus, I had to finish that stupid paper.

  I got home in record time and hopped out of my car.

  “Babe!” Joe’s voice travelled through the parking lot, and I cringed in response. “Wait up!” I had two choices. Run or stop avoiding and deal with it. I decided to deal with it. Why prolong the inevitable?

  I stopped at the door and waited for Joe to approach. If I went inside, he would charm me into making out on the couch. And that was so not happening. No! I was ready for a battle. I was ready to tell him how he ruined my night and destroyed his chances of my brother ever accepting him.

  Joe’s usually clear complexion was marked with a swirl of black, blue and purple underneath his right eye. Suddenly my anger faded. I had never seen him look so . . . so . . . hurt.

  “Oh jeez, are you okay?” I took his face in my hands and stared at his eye before giving him a kiss. How could I start a fight with him? He looked like hell.

  He placed his hand on mine. “I’m fine.”