(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

I forced my wide eyes back to normal and took a calming breath. “Did he say something?”

  “He didn’t have to. You didn’t see his face when he punched Joe. I did. And when you chose Joe over him you might as well have reached your hands into his chest and pulled out his heart.”

  I didn’t choose Joe over him. He punched him in the face. It was irrational and totally uncalled for. I was taking care of the injured. I wasn’t aware there were lines drawn by my actions.

  “It’s easy to lie and hide behind words, but you can’t hide a gut reaction, and right then I knew I couldn’t compete with you. And I didn’t want to. I want a guy who will look at me the way Zach looks at you. It can’t be something forced or learned. It has to be as natural as a heartbeat.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, because I didn’t mean for Zach to be hung up on me. I didn’t want to admit the nagging feeling of happiness that he hadn’t noticed her lingering in the back of my mind.

  “Don’t be. I know my Zach is out there. I just have to find him. Besides, I refuse to be sloppy seconds. I’m better than that. And so are you, Liz,” she said, looking up at me.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, completely confused by her statement.

  “Let’s just say, Joe isn’t who you think he is.”

  “Excuse me?”

  I knew he wasn’t perfect. But who was?

  “Look. Liz, I like you. I always have, regardless of Zach, and I don’t want to see you get hurt, but if you stay with Joe . . . you will.”

  I looked at her, unaware of what she was trying to tell me. It wasn’t making sense. There were gaps in all of her statements, and I didn’t have the pieces to put the puzzle together.

  “If you want more answers, go to Charlie. I’m sure she can tell you what I can’t.”

  Then she walked away. Just like that. Just walked away. How do you drop a bomb like that and walk away? And what could Charlie possibly tell me about my boyfriend that I didn’t already know?

  Charlie was part of the band though. She was at all the gigs. She would be the one witnessing the girls throwing themselves at Joe. Maybe he had groupies. Oh God. Was he cheating on me with a groupie?

  My stomach clenched as if the wind had been knocked out of me. Hadn’t I gone through enough already? Did I really need to have this thrown at me too?

  I shook the thoughts from my mind and went to class. Zach never showed. The professor talked, but I didn’t hear a word he said.

  The rest of the morning I went through the motions like a puppet in a show.

  All my classes bled together. My mind kept drifting to the clusterfuck that was my life.

  By the time classes were over for the day, I couldn’t go home. I needed to find Charlie and figure out what the hell Tanya was talking about.

  I headed for the tattoo parlor where she worked.

  “Hey Charlie,” I said as I approached the desk. The place was empty. Guess four p.m. on a Monday wasn’t prime time to get a tattoo. Though, as I got closer to the counter, I heard the buzz of a work in progress.

  “Oh. Hi. Hey, Liz. What’s going on?” She tugged at her ear, then fidgeted with her hands before putting them in the pocket of her hoodie. Her eyes looked everywhere but at me.

  “That’s what I wanted to ask you,” I said.

  “Oh, really? Ha.”

  Why was she laughing?

  “Is there something you want to tell me about Joe?” I asked, and braced myself. But no matter how much I prepared, I never expected the confession that came next.

  “I’m so sorry, Liz. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Tears filled her eyes. She looked away.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, trying to get her to focus.

  “He kept telling me you guys were on the rocks, that he was going to break up with you.”

  WHAT? She was still talking, but I was still trying to wrap my mind around her words. The ground spun and the lights were suddenly blinding. I leaned my body against a wall covered in tattoo art to prop myself up.

  “So I thought it was okay, but then he never did. And I like him so much. I might even love him.” She pushed her bright red highlights off her face.

  It took everything I had not to punch her. Though, could I really get that angry at her? Joe was charming, but for the first time I realized he was charming in a sleazy way. Not a Zach way.

  Everything stopped spinning. The lights dimmed. And my mind suddenly became clear.

  “You can have him,” I said and walked out the door.

  I felt liberated. Exhilarated.

  Josh was right. Joe was an ass. All this time I had been with him, and he had been messing around with Charlie’s mind. The poor girl thought she loved him.

  I was done. If he thought it was okay to flirt with another girl to the point that he had her convinced that his girlfriend didn’t matter, he wasn’t worth my time.

  And as much as I wanted to pull a Zach and disappear instead of dealing with the mess I was in. I had no choice. I needed to find Joe.

  ***

  Trax was crowded. Purge was set to play, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why people purposely put themselves through the torture.

  At the door I saw signs for five dollar beer buckets. That made more sense. People weren’t there to see Purge. They were there to get drunk, and cheaply.

  I pushed through the crowd and spotted Sadie and Matt, arms wrapped around each other. About time. I didn’t want to interrupt them—they looked so happy, lost in their own world. I went to sneak around them, but Matt noticed me.

  “Rough day, Liz?” Matt asked as I approached. He genuinely looked concerned. He was one of the good ones. Maybe that’s why he and Zach were friends.

  “You could say that.” I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a puff of air, then filled them in on everything that transpired throughout the day.

  “He’s a jerk, Liz. I’m just glad you’re finally realizing that,” Sadie said.

  “I would never play mind games with a girl, especially if I was with another one. That’s just wrong,” Matt said, and I couldn’t help laughing. He had “innocent” written all over his face. If I looked hard enough I was sure I’d find the word in his freckles. Of course he would never do anything like that. He didn’t have it in him.

  But it made me wonder. Was I just as bad?

  “Um . . . Liz,” Sadie pointed behind me, but before I could turn around, Joe’s arm wrapped around my shoulders.

  “I missed you, babe.” Joe kissed me on the cheek.

  He’d never called me. Not even once to see how I was doing or how my brother was.

  All he cared about was himself. And I was sick and tired of feeding his ever-growing ego. I was done and I wasn’t afraid for the whole bar to know.

  Just as he was about to take me in his arms, I shoved at his chest.

  “What the hell, babe?”

  “First off—hi. How are you? My brother’s not dead. Thanks for asking. Oh, and by the way, I talked to Charlie.” Forget about the fact he didn’t call me. I didn’t need that explanation. I already knew it was because he was too self-absorbed to care about anybody other than himself.

  He fumbled with his hands. “Oh. You did?”

  “Yeah, I did.” I let my voice rise with each word.

  “Look,” he said, almost in a whisper. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

  “No, I don’t think so. Now is fine for me.”

  “It was just that one time. I was drunk. It didn’t even mean anything to me,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

  I gaped at him, too stunned to form words. He’d slept with her. He’d freakin’ slept with her! I was such a fool.

  “Honest, it didn’t. I love you, babe. You know that.”

  I held my hand up to stop the bullshit c
oming out of his mouth. He’d taken advantage of me. Used me as a doormat. And I had let him. But not anymore.

  “No, Joe. You don’t love me. My brother could have died. And not only did you not call me once, but you fucked somebody else. I can’t believe I was almost dumb enough to lose my virginity to you.” I shook my head and bit my lip as the disbelief rushed through me. “You don’t do that to the person you love.”

  “But—”

  “No buts. We’re over.”

  “But babe—”

  “Don’t—” I held my finger inches from his nose, “call me ‘babe’!” I lowered my hand back to my side. “Goodbye, Joe,” I said and began to walk away. Then I stopped, turned around, noticed every pair of eyes in the crowded bar staring at me and said, “Oh, and another thing. Your band sucks!”

  Applause erupted around me. Sadie jumped up and whistled. I flashed her a smile and a nod and made my exit.

  I was through being a doormat. I was through being in a relationship where I kept a part of me closed off because I was too scared to be hurt again.

  I thought about going straight to Zach’s, but I was still processing everything. I needed time to myself. Time to figure out what exactly it was I wanted. Did I really want to jump from one relationship to another?

  Back at the apartment I eased the door open and tossed my bag on the couch. Since all my friends (and ex-friends) were at Trax, I had nowhere to go. It was another pajama night.

  I walked into my bedroom and froze.

  Bent over my desk, pen in hand, scribbling on a piece of paper was the one person I wasn’t ready to talk to.

  Chapter 23

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, and the muscles in his back tensed. His shoulders rose, and I could tell he was taking a deep breath. Slowly, he turned to me.

  The Easy Bake Oven sat behind him on my desk, a white piece of paper dangling from his hand.

  “Sadie gave me a spare key.” He shoved his hand into his pocket, trying to push the paper with it, but the edges stuck out.

  I pointed to the paper. “What is that?”

  “Uh. Nothing.” He attempted to push the paper down further, but for once in my life I was quicker than him. I grabbed the edge and pulled.

  He didn’t try to stop me. Maybe he wanted me to see it.

  I unfolded it and read the words.

  Lizzie,

  It’s been a long time since I last saw your smile. Not just any smile—the smile that lights up your entire face, the one that’s so contagious everyone around can’t help but smile with you. I got to see that smile again when we spent that night in a crappy hotel room baking cookies in an Easy Bake Oven. So it only seemed right for you to keep it. I hope it will keep you smiling because you not smiling is the second thing I hate most in this world.

  -Zach

  Tears filled my eyes, but I was sick of crying. I forced them back, but not before one slipped down my cheek.

  We both moved at the same time. My arms circled around his neck, his spicy, warm scent surrounding me. His hands rested on my cheeks, his thumb wiping away the fallen tear. Goose bumps sprinkled my neck as his hand ran along my jaw line, before he pulled away. “What about Joe?”

  “It’s over.” As the words rolled off my tongue, his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him. In one quick motion, his lips captured mine.

  It was everything I remembered and more. A year of loss and regret flowed through us. Desperation to make up for the time wasted surged through my fingers as I rediscovered the feel of his skin on mine.

  We moved together until the back of my knees hit my bed, and with a yank I pulled him down beside me. I took his face in my hands and kissed him harder, trying to express all of my emotions at once.

  My legs tangled with his, and then he rolled me under him. Dark eyes that I’d lost myself in so many times stared down at me. Passion burned hot and he brushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. I closed my eyes and reveled in the warmth that spread through me.

  The warmth turned into a raging fire as he kissed a trail down my neck. His hand eased under my shirt and sprawled out on my stomach, rising over my ribs until it cupped my breast. I arched into him, a low moan escaping my lips when his mouth claimed them again.

  Cupping my jaw in one hand, he ran the other down my side, resting on the hem of my shirt. I held my arms up and inch by torturous inch he pushed the material of my shirt up my stomach, leaving kisses in its place.

  My hands plunged into his silky dark hair, squeezing tight, afraid if I didn’t hold on to something I would float away.

  I finally understood what people meant when they said “heaven on earth.” I was there. Nothing could ruin this perfect moment. Nothing.

  The shirt came off, landing in a pile of cotton on the floor. Familiar hands spread across my sides, and there were more kisses, until his eyes met mine, lips hovering centimeters away, his breath hot and minty against my skin.

  But then the passion turned to something more. Something I knew too well. And I should have welcomed it with open arms, but the pain that came with it prevented me from doing so.

  His lips parted and before he could utter the words that would throw my world off its axis, I slid out from under him.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked, confusion tugging at his features.

  It would be easy to stay. To let him love me as I knew he could. But then what? He broke my heart so badly once before—I didn’t think I could go through that again. Allowing this to continue would be putting me on the edge of the fire and the idea of being scorched again scared the shit out of me.

  “I . . . uh . . . I forgot I have somewhere I have to be.” I grabbed my shirt, and when his hand reached for mine, I jumped back, knocking into my desk chair.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, standing, and I could see the bulge in his pants. Oh God. It wasn’t morning wood either.

  I held my shirt in front of me trying to wrap it around my 34B’s.

  “I’m fine. I just have somewhere I have to be.”

  “Where?”

  I wasn’t prepared for him to question me. I didn’t have an answer. All I knew was if I didn’t get out of there I would make a huge mistake. Repeating history—especially a horrible, depressing history—was not on my agenda today.

  His eyes narrowed in on me, pinning me with his gaze until I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally I caved, and gave him the truth.

  Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this again. I just can’t.” I ran out of my room.

  “Lizzie, I love you.” The words followed me like a bullet. As soon as I let them hit me, I’d be done for.

  I spent so many nights waiting to hear those exact words. But now? Now it was too late. There was too much time in between.

  I rushed out of my apartment, one arm in my sleeve, pants unbuttoned, hair a rumpled mess, tears streaming down my face. A crackhead jonesing for her next fix looked better than me.

  I didn’t care. All I cared about was putting as much distance as I could between me and those eyes.

  Zach loved me. I knew it. But what would happen when his love faded, and he stopped calling? I couldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t.

  Loving him was the best thing that ever happened to me. Losing him was the worst.

  A year of my life spent crying, spent going over every single detail of our last conversation and trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

  Where did it go wrong? I still didn’t completely know. And how could we move forward when the past was still very much a part of us? Standing in our path, reminding me of the misery I endured?

  For months I’d denied it, but as I pulled my shirt over my head and wiped the tears from my cheeks, I no longer could.

  I’d never stopped loving him.

  Chapter 24
r />   I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I couldn’t go back to my place. I was lucky enough Zach didn’t chase after me. Sadie was out with Matt, and the last place I wanted to go was Trax. So I went back to the only place where I never felt alone.

  I went home.

  Living on my own with my best friend was amazing, but it lacked the comfort of the familiar. I needed to be surrounded by the walls and the things that were always there for me—silent, inanimate objects, witnesses to my life.

  When I arrived home that evening, I found Josh in the living room watching TV, his leg propped up on a pillow, a half-eaten bowl of cereal on the table.

  “Hey,” I said.

  He lowered the volume. “What are you doing here?” When he looked at my face, his expression dropped. I didn’t need a mirror to know I looked like hell.

  “Let’s just say you were right. Joe’s an ass, and you will never see him again.”

  I didn’t want to go into detail. So I figured I would throw him a bone and when I was ready to talk, we could do it over a batch of cookies.

  “Hate to say I told you so.”

  “No you don’t. You’re loving every second of it.”

  He shook his head. “No. I’m not. I don’t like to see you hurting.”

  “I’ll get over it.”

  “And what about Zach?”

  Just hearing his name sent me into a rush of unexpected tears.

  “Liz, come on. Don’t cry. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

  “I love him.”

  “Then be with him.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  Josh looked up at me, eyebrow cocked. “Why can’t it be?”

  “What if . . .” A burn rose in my throat, and my words faltered.

  Josh spoke for me. “What if he disappears again? Disappoints you?”

  I couldn’t talk, so I nodded.

  “I don’t know. I don’t have that answer. But what I do know is that it sucks to lose someone you love. But you’ve got a second chance. Not many people get that.”

  Good advice. But coming from Josh, it wasn’t as impactful. He was with a different girl every time I went to see him. And every time he came to see me, he lip-locked with total strangers. His intentions were good, but he didn’t really get it and because he’d never had his heart broken, I didn’t expect him to.