by Lucy Rinaldi
I’m ushered out of the church a short while later, and into the graveyard, walking the long path slowly still with my brother’s arm around me. We come to an old oak tree with a grave dug ready for him? I don’t want to watch this it’s killing me, inside I’m screaming! I shake my head at Robbie and pull out of Angelo’s hold, walking away from them right into my dad. Shit! “Going somewhere?”
“I... I... need...”
“To watch this? Yes, you do” Grabbing my arm with force, he drags me back to the graveside like a rag doll. I want to scream and hit him, to make him let go of me, but there are no words inside me, I’m helpless, all I can do is stand and watch as he holds my arm firmly. Watching them lower that tiny coffin into the ground is too much to bear, my legs turn to Jell-O and I just know I’m going to fall. My dad tightens his grip around my arm, refusing to let me fall. He pulls me closer to him until his mouths right next to my ear. His breath sends vile shivers down my spine and I feel so sick. I close my eyes and hold my breath. “This is how far I can go, little girl. I warned you not to defy me. I told you, didn’t I? I told you what would happen if you didn’t do as you were told” What? I mean like seriously, what the? I don’t know what the hell he means; I’ve never once defied him, I never dared!
“I never defied you, papa,” I struggle to force the words out so much so it’s barely a whisper, and all the time I keep my eyes forward, so as not to look at him, right now he’s making my skin crawl and all I want to do is get away from him.
“You left me, you silly little girl!” He hisses down my ear through gritted teeth.
“I left because you hurt me papa; you took my baby and you...” I can’t even finish what I want to say, I don’t even know how to explain to this man what he’s put me through.
“It was for your own good” My own good? What the fuck?! How is him raping and beating me all for my own good? Not to mention letting his friends do what they wanted to me!
“You’re my father; you’re supposed to love me like you do Isabella. What did I do to make you hate me, papa? What did I do?”
“Your father? Who told you that lie? You do as I tell you from now on or the death of your son will be the least of your worries, little girl!” Whoa! Wait, what the fuck? Lie? Is he saying he’s not my father? I can’t do this it’s just too much, my heads going to explode! “How does it feel, Mercedes? How does it feel to know you signed your own sons death warrant?!” My eyes dart to his, scanning him with I don’t know, I’m dumbstruck!
“Why?” Is all I can whisper to him. Why? Why would he do this? Is he telling me that not only is he not my father, but he killed my baby boy? “Don’t be stupid you idiot of course he’s not” No, no, she’s right, that’s not what he’s saying I’m upset and confused that’s all. Then why does the smile on his face tell me otherwise? Fuck, I can’t do this I just can’t. I yank my arm out of his grip and walk backward, slowly. I know they’re all looking at me, but I just need to go. I turn and run as fast as I can. My senses are scattered to the wind, this can’t be happening! I’m trapped in this nightmare, why can’t I wake up? Oh god! My poor baby boy.
Mommy is so sorry, my Xavier. Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry.
Before I know it, I’m back at Roberto’s house, I don’t know what brought me here, but all I do know is I’m not going to stay. I run up the spiral staircase to my old room and grab my bag and my jacket. I don’t even look back, I just run from that house with thoughts in my mind of the “what ifs, whys, buts and maybes” I stop still in the garden, I don’t know what to do I’m so lost. That little boy was the only thing good in my life. He may not have been with me, but he was always in my heart, my beautiful little Xavier. My father gave him the name Valentino, but he was always Xavier to me. God, I don’t know what to do. Blake! Yes, that’s what I need to do, I need to call him, I need to hear his voice, I need to feel something real, and right now he’s all that’s real to me. I drop my bag and rummage through my jacket grabbing my cell, finding his name I press call. “Pick up, pick up, please pick up” I beg to myself quietly over and over.
“Mercy, it can’t be bed time there yet” Normally I’d find this funny, but right now isn’t the time for jokes.
“Please don’t joke, Blake. Please...” Here come the tears! My voice cracks and defies my pleas not to cry. I’m suddenly sobbing down the phone like a crazy person; God only knows what Blake’s thinking.
“Baby, baby, Ssshh. What’s happened?” The panic in his voice makes me cry harder, because I want him here right now, to hold me, to make it all better. But he’s not here, he’s thousands of miles away from me, and it’s all my own fault. I should never have come here!
“Blake. I don’t. Know. I”
“Baby, please don’t cry. Tell me what’s wrong. I can’t bear to hear you crying like this”
“I. Have. T-To. Go” I slam the phone down, I can’t even talk to him, and I can’t stay here either I know that. I just want to go home. I don’t care that I haven’t said goodbye to anyone right now, I don’t even care that my da... Roberto will be mad that I’ve gone, I need to be home, I need Blake, he’s the only one that can stop this pain, the pain that threatens to rip me apart! I wipe my eyes, pick up my things, and walk around the side of this massive mansion style house toward the garages, where I find Alexander smoking a cigarette. He didn’t strike me as a smoker! He gives me a concerned look, but I ignore it.
“Mercedes, are you okay?”
“Alexander, I need you to take me to the airport.... In secret. Please don’t call Roberto to tell him I’m leaving”
“But your father said...”
“He’s not my damn father! Look, will you take me or do I have to walk? If my mother ever meant anything to you...” His eyes scan me with some kind of hurt. I can’t think about him and my mother right now, I just want to leave.
“Of course” He nods and throws his cigarette to the ground. He opens the door for me to climb inside, and I grab the handle and slam it behind me. I’m in such a hurry to get out of here in case he comes back before I leave that I’m practically begging Alexander to get in the car already!
“Alexander, drive like your life depends on it”
He smiles at me through the rear view mirror. “As you wish” Alexander holds no prisoners, he drives like a mad man, dipping in and out of traffic dangerously, but I don’t care, the faster he goes the quicker I can be out of here.
I hear my phone ringing, I grab it out of my pocket angrily. Shit! It’s Blake. I answer it because to be quite honest, I want to hear his voice, I need some way of pulling myself out of this nightmare even for the moment. “Yes?” My voice is so low and cracking again.
“Baby, I’m coming to get you. Okay? On the next plane, I promise” He’d do that? He’d drop everything just to come here for me?
“No, don’t, I’m coming home now, I’m on my way to the airport. I just want to come home... Oh, Blake, everything’s so messed up” I feel myself welling up again; suddenly I can’t stop crying deep hard from the chest sobs that I can’t control.
“Oh, my baby it hurts to hear you like this... Baby, what happened to you?”
“I-I... Can’t. Tell... You. Meet me at the air-airport p-please”
“You’re worrying me, Mercy. I want you home. I love you so much. Text me what time you’ll be landing and I’ll be there, I promise. God, it’s killing me hearing you like this, Mercy”
“I L-lov-e you” I end the call before he can say anything else, my head falls into my hands and I just cry hard in to them. I need to pull myself together; we’ve arrived at departure in record time.
I said goodbye to Alexander as quickly as I could, but before I could run he pulled me into his arms. It’s strange to say the least Roberto’s drivers, bodyguards, assassins, whatever Alexander truly is, have never been allowed to do anything like this, yet he doesn’t seem to care! He holds me so close to him while I sob into his chest. This is so weird, but I feel so at home with him hol
ding me like this. He strokes my hair and kisses my head tenderly. “Whatever it is that he’s done to you this time, I will fix it. I promise” He says before kissing my head again gently. I have no idea why he would say such a thing to me, but somewhere in my mind the thought that he would fix all of this for me is so comforting.
“Who are you, Alexander? Who are you really?”
“Someone who loves you more than anything in this world” I pull away from him. I look into his eyes. He loves me? In what way and why? I scan his eyes, I can see that he feels love for me, but it’s not like sexual love, it’s something else. I don’t know why I can’t remember him, but we must have had some kind of friendship. Maybe he looked out for me while I was here. Maybe my mother asked him to make sure I was okay? “One day” He says as he strokes my face. “You’ll know just what it’s like to feel loved by the one person who has loved you since before you born”
“And who is that?” He smiles at me. I don’t fully understand what he means. “Whoever you are, thank you” I smile and kiss his cheek before leaving him there. I race to the ticket desk. I’m thankful to be able to get on the next flight out of here, luckily for me take off is in an hour, I just made it, phew! I find my departure gate and sit and wait, and wait and wait for hours it seems, shifting in my seat the whole time. God, I’m just so anxious to be away from here, everyone that walks past me makes me jump, in case it’s him come to drag me back to that hell hole he calls a house. Finally, we’re called to board the plane. I take my seat alongside a young black woman, really pretty with blue contacts, and a matching blue dress, she smiles at me and I politely smile back, before I turn my face toward the window. I’m in no mood for chit chat with anyone, I have a really long flight ahead of me and all I want to do is sleep. I close my eyes as we take off, but I can’t seem to find sleep. Ugh! Great this is going to be the longest twelve hours of my life!
~ ~ ~
We land safely back at LAX, it’s a little after 10pm and I’m exhausted, I’ve been awake for? I don’t even know how long, all I know is I’ve been awake longer than my body can handle. My heads in so much pain from lack of sleep, that I feel sick with it. All these changes of time zones has got me so confused! I take my cell out of my pocket and turn it on to text my beloved Blake.
Sender: Mercedes Moretti
To: Dr. Blake Benedict (My Everything)
I just landed.
Xoxo
Sender: Dr. Blake Benedict (My Everything)
To: Mercedes Moretti
I’m here, baby. Xoxo
Thank god, he’s here! I suddenly feel a little more relaxed knowing that as soon as I’m through customs I’ll be in his arms again where I belong.
I was through customs with no problems. I’m just getting to the escalator when I see him pacing the floor below. He looks up and sees me. He sags a little and closes his eyes for a second, the relief that I’m here safe is so obviously etched on his face.
I finally reach the bottom and everything starts to slow down, I can’t feel my body, I feel drunk. I see the floor getting closer to my face. I put my hands out and I feel the floor beneath my hands and knees. I can’t pull myself up, all my strength has gone and deserted me. I feel his hands snaking around me. I try to force my eyes open to look at Blake, but he’s a blur. “Baby, what the fuck?!”
“Blake” I think I mouth, his name, because I didn’t hear the word I’ve just spoken. I can’t move I’m totally frozen. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so tired or the relief of seeing him here that has overwhelmed me. I feel his arms lovingly lifting me off the ground, one hand around my thighs, and the other around my back. I don’t even have the strength to wrap my arms round his neck; they just lay in my lap as my head rests on his shoulder. I feel myself drifting in and out of the unconscious. The next thing I know, I’m being buckled into the passenger seat of his car. My eyes feel so heavy, but I know I can relax now, because I’m home with my Dr. Blake, here to take care of me. I sense him throw my bag onto the back seat, before climbing into the driver side. I can’t fight the tiredness anymore, my eyes close on me as he pulls out of the airport parking lot. I hear him speak, but I can’t make out his words. I’m suddenly lost to sleep.
~ ~ ~
Chapter Fifteen.
My eyes strain to open as the slamming of a car door wakes me from this dreamless sleep. I jump a mile when my door opens, I don’t know where I am or who opened the door. I start to panic my hearts racing as I try and focus my eyes, but all I see is light, the shapes of cars and a dark sky. I feel arms under my legs, and around my back lifting me out of my seat. I stiffen I’m so scared “No,” I protest sleepily, Jesus Christ where am I?
“It’s okay, baby, it’s only me. I’m here. I’ve got you” I visibly relax as I realize its Blake, who’s holding me, my arms automatically snake around his neck. We’re in the parking lot of Sam’s apartment building, Julipa, it’s not an overly big apartment block, but it’s very modern for this part of California.
“I can walk” I protest a little stronger this time.
I feel him smile against my temple, then he kisses me there, before setting me on my feet but keeping his arm around my waist steadying me. “Are you sure you can walk, baby? You’re shaking like a leaf in the fall breeze” He’s right I’m shaking badly. Crap! I’m not sure if I can walk after all, but I don’t want to look weak in front of him, so I’ll force myself to do so. It dawns on me that I haven’t eaten since Sunday morning, no wonder I feel shaky. I’m guessing the lack of food and sleep, and this unbearable grief I feel inside me, grief for something I never had and never knew, are all contributing factors to the way I look and feel right now. And the fact I know I need to bury this, because I’m just not strong enough to face it, and to be honest I’m not sure I even want to. God, I’ve been in the same clothes since I left! I never got the damn chance to shower and change while I was in Italy, and I’ve traveled so much over the past few days. God, I so want a long hot shower! “Sam, yeah, we’re back. Buzz the door” Blake’s voice pulls me from my thoughts, back into the here and now; the door opens as Sam buzzes us in to Julipa. We walk the short distance of the marble hallway to the elevator right in front of us. We step into the elevator his arm still around my waist, and my arms folded across my body, but we don’t speak, it’s like he knows I have no words for him right now.
I notice him looking at me through the elevator mirror at the side of me; I turn my eyes to the floor, not wanting to meet his gaze because I can’t bear the questioning look in his eyes right now. I’m thankful when the elevator stops on the third floor; the doors swing open to reveal a very angry looking Sam, her hands on her hips and her left foot tapping on the floor. I look at her and smile slightly, but my face drops when I realize she’s really pissed at me.
“What did I tell you, Sadie? What did I say about going there alone?!” Her tone is one of both I-told-you-so and you’ve-worried-shit-out-of-me, really hurts!
“Please don’t, Sam, it was just an argument” I lie.
“Sam, leave it, she’s tired, she needs to rest. We can talk about this another time. Get off your high horse” She throws Blake a shut-your-face kind of look, and then looks at me in her you’re-a-complete-liar kind of way, but she doesn’t say anything else about it, she just pulls me into a tight hug, kisses my cheek and let’s go.
“Come on, Alex is making you something to eat, you must be starving,” I nod and follow her into the apartment. She’s right, of course I’m famished. Alex is in the kitchen making what looks like some kind of pasta; Sam must have got him to do it while she greeted Blake and me.
“Hey, you’re back” Way to state the obvious! He smiles at me and I wave at him and force a smile. I don’t want any fuss from anyone.
“Don’t just stand there, sit down” I wish Sam wouldn’t boss me around like she does, I’m simply not in the mood right now, even though I know she doesn’t mean anything by it, she’s trying to make light of things.
&n
bsp; “I think I’ll go shower, I won’t be long” I need to get out of this room; I can’t bear everyone staring at me. I know that’s what they’re all doing, staring at me like I’m some caged animal at the zoo. I need to wash my shame away. Yes, that’s what I feel right now, shame and disgust in myself, how could I have let this happen to my sweet little baby boy?! “Don’t cry, you stupid cow, not in front of them!” She’s right, I can’t cry in front of them, I know I won’t stop if I do.