by Lucy Rinaldi
“Okay, babe. Don’t take forever though, Alex is making food” She winks at me, which makes me giggle. She looks like a giddy school girl right now. My best friend is so in love with Alex, and by the way he’s smiling at her I’d say he was pretty deeply in love with her also. It makes my heart swell with love for them both. I shoot Blake a quick smile before walking into my bedroom and closing the door behind me. But my legs start to fail me; I grab hold of the unit next to my bed, clutching it for dear life trying to hold myself up. My breathings becoming impossible. I really don’t want to cry, but I don’t think I can stop myself. Taking deep breaths I ignore the quiver in my bottom lip. “Get up, Mercedes, pull yourself together”
I pull myself up straight, wipe the stray tear from my eye, and look out of my window at the sky above me. “I will mourn you my precious baby boy, one day, and in the right way I will mourn you. No matter what they said, I loved you so much, and I will forever love you, Xavier” It’s funny, but when I was a little girl Sam and I would sit and talk about having babies when we grew up. She would always tell me how she would have a boy and a girl and how she would name them Rylan and Keira. She loved the names, Irish like her family. I would always say how I wanted a little boy and how I would call him Xavier. Sam made fun of the name, saying people would call him X-avier, like professor X from X-men. That’s not the way I would ever pronounce his name, Zavier but with an X, that’s how my baby’s name is pronounced, even to this day that’s what I call him inside my head, Xavier. Saying his name out loud for the first time since he was born felt better than I thought it ever could.
“Just In time, babes, foods ready” I take my usual seat on the couch as Sam smiles her gorgeous smile at me, and I feel so uncomfortable in this room with them. It didn’t take me long to shower or change, to be honest, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I sit on the couch with one foot resting over the other, and my arms folded across my stomach. I think the sick feeling in my stomach is making me ill! Blake’s watching me; I can see him through the corner of my eye. God, I’m an awful person, I’ve done nothing but ignore him since we walked in. Why would I do that? He’s been here for me just like he promised he would be, and I’ve ignored him. I note how sexy he looks right now, standing by the open fire all tight jeans, black T-shirt and hair hanging slightly over his right eye, and he’s holding what looks like a small glass of whiskey. My man really is hot! But he’s making me nervous scanning me, trying to force his way inside my head. My stomach muscles tighten painfully, I don’t know why I feel like this, possibly because if he were Elijah and I was back home with him acting like this he’d beat it out of me. I just don’t know what I’m to expect of Blake, the same may be, beating, belittling, smashing things, violence? I just don’t know, but the thought makes me cringe, how could I think that of him? He’s nothing like Elijah, Blake treats me like a princess he’d never hurt me, I know this deep in my heart. I watch him watching me, and I just want to be in his arms, I need him to hold me and soothe this pain within me. I jump out of my seat and launch myself at him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, holding on for dear life.
I hear the clink of his glass as he places it on the mantel beside him. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, baby”
“I’m sorry, I just needed to feel your arms around me” I nuzzle my face into his neck while sliding my arms around his back. He pulls me so close against him, just holding me, rocking gently from side to side for a few minutes until he pulls me at arm’s length and looks at me, his eyes soft and kind but full of concern at the same time.
“You look tired, baby, and sad” He strokes my face with the back of his hand and my eyes close on me for a second, because he’s right, that’s just what I feel, tired and sad and I just want to lock myself in a darkened room, shutting the outside world out while my pain consumes me. I place my hand over his, holding his hand against my face as we look into each others eyes. He tucks a stray piece of my hair behind my ear, and then kisses me softly on the lips. It’s such a tender moment between us, but it’s interrupted by Alex and his massive plates of food. He can’t seriously think I’m going to eat that?
“Here we are guys” Alex sets the food down at the dinner table and motions for us to sit down. I take my seat next to Blake, he holds my hand and doesn’t seem to have any intention of letting go. To be honest, I’m glad, because right now I need that connection with him, some form of physical contact. What the fuck, is this shit? I look down at my plate, it looks disgusting! I realize it’s some kind of pasta mixed with a white sauce, mushrooms and spring onions. It looks like vomit, which is actually how it’s making me feels right now. I listen to them all chatting away while eating, my hand still in Blake’s as I push my food around my plate, I’m just not hungry at all. I should be hungry after not eating for so long, but I feel a weird kind of burning in the pit of my stomach and I can’t grasp the exact cause of it. I know it’s guilt, the guilt of what happened to my son. “Don’t you like it, Sadie?”
“Oh, it’s not that, I’m just not hungry. But thank you anyway, Alex,” I feel really bad now he’s probably spent ages making this for us, and here I am wasting food like always.
“So, Sadie,” I turn my gaze to Sam, who’s sitting with her elbows on the table, her fingers under her chin. “What did he do this time?” Jesus, she has no damn tact whatsoever! I narrow my eyes at her, but she shrugs at me. I can feel all eyes on me; my face is on fucking fire!
“We argued; I told you. Just drop it. Okay?”
“So, no visitors? No vile acts at daddy’s request?”
“SAM!” What the hell is she trying to do to me? Jesus, fuck! The expression on Blake’s face is one of disbelief, I know as well as everyone else does that he knows exactly what she means. How could she say such a thing in front of him? Is she trying to make him leave me? I rip my hand out of Blake’s grasp and run to my room. I can’t believe my own best friend would do that to me, to make me look so stupid in front of my man!
“Sadie, wait!” Fucking bitch! I slam the door in her face, and stand with my back against it shutting her out. “Sadie, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. And I didn’t mean to say it like that in front of Blake. I know that’s why you ran off. But I know it wasn’t just an argument, you and I both know Roberto would never allow you the chance to argue with him”
“How could you do that, Sam? How could you say that in front of Blake? You promised you’d never mention anything in front of him. I know you’ve got a big fucking mouth, you told Alex everything, you bitch! You know Blake will leave me now, so thanks a lot! Just leave me alone!” I’m in no mood for this; she’s broken my trust again!
“Sadie, please”
“GO AWAY!” My voice is so loud it reverberates off my bedroom walls. I feel so much anger inside me. I hate her! I don’t want her anywhere near me! I drop onto my bed, grabbing my pillow and holding it against my chest. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think my heads so full of everything that’s happened over the past couple of days, I just want to scream and smash things into a million pieces, like my heart right now. My bloods boiling inside me and before I know it, I’m on my feet, grabbing the lamp from my bedside table, throwing it against the opposite wall, smashing against it as it connects. I feel a certain release and need to smash everything I can get my hands on, and I do anything and everything, screaming my frustrations as I go. Fuck, I’m seething, there’s so much hate and anger inside of me, I’m scared I might explode! But there is so much inside of me that I have been holding onto for way too long.
“Sadie, what the fuck are you doing? Stop!” Fucking bitch is in my doorway, watching as I go bat shit crazy as my anger, and frustration at being angry, plus my full on sadness pour out of me in droves. Picture frames smash against walls and doors, clothes fly all over the place.
“Mercedes!” I feel Blake’s hand on my wrist, stopping me just as I’m about to throw a large glass paper weight straight through my unopened window. I turn to look at
him, his eyes scanning me with concern and wonder. “Stop, baby. Just stop” My breathings out of control, heavy and spiked to tipping point from what I’ve just done to my room. My sadness threatens to devour me, as my tears threaten to spill from my eyes again. Christ, how much pain am I meant to fit inside me? I really don’t think I could fit in anymore. I look over at Sam, her hand over her mouth, tears running down her cheeks. Why the hell is she upset? The bitch! I feel Blake’s arm, pulling me to him. But I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I can’t calm down, it’s like someone or something has taken over me, with all this anger and rage eating away at me. With both of my hands, I push him by the chest, hard, I want him away from me, I want to be left alone!
“Let go of me, Blake!” Fuck it, why won’t he let go? I feel his hand on the nape of my neck while his other hand pushes my hands down, allowing him that chance to pull me tightly against him, even though I’m still trying to fight him off frantically like a woman possessed. He’s persistent I’ll give him that. My energy’s failing me, slowly I stop fighting him and I can’t stop the boiling hot tears and mournful sobs of sheer pain that have now erupted from my body. I sink into his body, my face buried in his chest as we fall to the floor. He holds me so very close to him, one hand on my back, his other on my head, cradling me, so gently as he rocks me back and forth, and telling me it’s okay. But it’s not okay, how can this be okay? “My. Baby. Is. Dead!” I’m sobbing so hard that I have to force the words out of my mouth, not really knowing who I’m saying them to. I feel someone else beside me on the floor, their hand stroking the back of my head as Blake kisses my forehead, and pulls me tighter against him. I turn my head slightly to look who’s there. Oh, it’s Sam.
“Sadie?” Her voice is barely a whisper next to my ear. “Sadie, what happened to him?” Of course she knows about him, she’s the only other person outside of my family, apart from my gay best friend Clyde that does know. Looking back, I have no idea why I told them. Maybe just because I needed to talk about him, to let it out. They were always so easy to talk to, they’ve never judged me for anything I’ve done or told them. Which to be honest, isn’t everything, but just enough for them to understand the way I am. “Sadie, please tell me”
“No...! No, make it stop, please...!” I don’t know exactly what I’m begging them to stop. Maybe the unbearable pain that’s tearing through me like a thousand razor blades. I feel numb and cold, so very cold. My body’s shaking violently against Blake, he pulls me tighter into him, so tight I can hardly breathe.
“Ssshh, baby, it’s okay” The sound of his voice makes me sob harder. “Does somebody wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?” His voice is so full of concern and anguish, and I can’t stop these tears. I’m totally lost in my sadness.
“Blake, we don’t know what’s happened. Does she look like she’s in any fit state to tell us right now?”
“Don’t treat me like a fucking idiot, Sam! I can tell you know what she’s talking about. Who is he? Who’s she talking about?”
“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry” She’s trying to stay loyal to me, I know this, but she sounds like she’s about to burst into tears again. It’s so unfair of me to make her keep all these secrets about me.
“What the fuck? Tell me for fuck sakes! I have a fucking right to know, I’m her boyfriend dammit!” Oh! Angry Blake, he makes me hot when he’s angry. And that’s so wrong right now, but then I’m a sick bitch, and he’ll find out sooner rather than later just how sick in the head I really am. But will he stay with me when he finds out; I have to believe he will, even though I know he won’t. Then again, I doubt he’ll stay with me once he finds out about my son.
“Bro, calm down, it’s not Sam’s fault”
“Did I say it was her fault? Did I?! Just tell me so I can fix this. Look at the fucking state of her, Sam. Tell me!” I can hear his voice vibrating through his chest, he’s really mad. I can’t sit here like this; I need to pull myself together. I need to calm my man as well as myself. I don’t want them all arguing because of me, I can’t stand it. I pull my head from Blake’s chest, making him loosen his hold on me. I’m done crying for now, I’m all cried out, there’s nothing left in me to cry out. My face and lips feel swollen, my eyes are puffy from sobbing so hard, and my chest is heaving from all the unleashed sobs within me. Jeez, I never thought I could cry like that, nothing ever seemed worth it before this. I pull myself up off the floor and wipe my eyes, damn my face feels tender. My eyes lose focus for a second, as I watch Sam and Blake get to their feet, and all I can think is how much I want them to leave. I just want to go to sleep, my body and mind are so over tired I can’t think straight! I know what Blake wants to hear, but I just wouldn’t know where to start. If he knew about my baby he’d leave me, he’d think I was a reckless whore and I couldn’t bear that. “Baby?”
“Um... could you guys j-just go, please?” I struggle and stammer to get the words out. My body is still racked with sobs that have yet to settle.
“I’m not leaving you like this”
“Blake just... just fucking go!” The angers back. God, what’s wrong with me? Why won’t he go? Why is he so stubborn?! Fine he wants to know, I’ll fucking tell him. “Fine I’ll tell you, then when I have you can all fuckoff and leave me the hell alone!” I snap horribly at them. I notice the way they’re all looking at me, as if I’m insane. The truth is I am insane, I’m just like my mother an insane whore who deserves everything she gets. “My father called me and said he needed to see me. He made it sound urgent, and Sam knows what my father’s like, I can’t say no to him, ever, because if I do what happens doesn’t bear thinking about. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got there and found out he’d lied to me. He showed me pictures, told my brothers and sister what a whore I was and still am. He then told me my son was dead, and forced me to go to his funeral, where I had to sit and watch his adoptive parents cry and mourn for a son I never knew. He then held me there and forced me to watch them lower his tiny coffin into the ground. I wanted to die right there with my baby, but the whole time he kept telling me how I deserved this. This is what happens to bad girls who defy their fathers. If that wasn’t bad enough, he then told me how he killed my son because I defied him. He then decided that now was the right time to tell me he’s not really my father at all. Which in his mind makes everything he ever did to me okay. I’m sorry I lied to you, Blake, about my father being ill but I didn’t know what else to tell you. And I am so sorry I never told you that I once had a child or the reason I couldn’t keep him, but I didn’t know you well enough. I have never spoken about him to anyone but two of my brothers, Sam and Clyde. But now you know I was a dirty little whore who had a baby she never clapped eyes on, not once in his life, and now he’s dead and I’ll never get the chance to put right what I did wrong” Shit! My voice is cracking again. Where do all these tears come from? Just when I think I’ve cried all I can they creep back up on me.
“It’s okay, Sadie” Sam puts her hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me, but I shrug her off I don’t want to be touched, not now I just can’t bear it. I stifle the sob that’s forcing its way out of me, by clasping my mouth. “It’s okay,” I look at her, looking at me, tears falling from her eyes.
“My little boy, Sam” Before I know it her arms are around me, holding me one hand around my back the other on the back of my head.
“I know, I know. I’m so sorry, Sadie” I look over her shoulder at Blake; he’s just staring at me expressionless with no emotion at all, his hands hanging down at his sides. I wish I knew what he was thinking right now. He shakes his head at me and turns away. What the hell?!
“Blake?”
“Bro, this is... This is too much, I have to get out of here” What? He’s walking away, he’s leaving me!
“No! Blake, no don’t leave me” No he can’t leave me he swore, he promised he’d never leave no matter what! I pull myself out of Sam’s grip and run to him, grabbing his arm, will
ing him to stay. “Blake, please, you said no matter what. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, I didn’t know how. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t” He looks at me while tilting his head to the side slightly, our eyes locked together. “Please say something. Please don’t go” The voice in my head imploring him to both speak and stay, but he just looks at me standing there in front of him all black cotton pajama bottoms and an old baggy T-shirt, my face a mess from crying, and my hair messed up hanging all over the place. And I’m begging, my insides are screaming for him to stay, and right now I would literally do anything for him as long as he didn’t leave me.
“Baby, I’m only going to the living room; I just needed some space to get my head around this, that’s all”
“You’re not leaving me?”
“Of course not, nothing will ever make me leave you” He strokes my face with the back of his hand softly. “I love you, Mercy. Don’t you know that?” His eyes shine in the light of my room with such love that I just throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly. He pulls me into him, snaking his arms around my waist. I feel his head tip, I think at Sam and Alex, because within seconds they’re gone from my room closing the door behind them. Blake pulls me at arm’s length and strokes my swollen face again; he runs his thumb over my bottom lip then kisses me softly. “How could you think I was leaving you?” His voice is so soft and gentle as he tucks my hair behind my ears, then holds my face in his hands bringing my head up to meet his gaze.