You Make Me Wanna

by Nikki Rashan

  “Lisa and I have made wonderful progress together.” I felt the need to state my case before my relationship with Lisa crumbled right in front of me.

  “I see that. You’ve been with her longer than her previous big sister.”

  “Please don’t take that away from us,” I requested, similar to Nakia’s pleas to Fred Sr.

  “We’ll have to leave that up to Lisa. Have a good day, Ms. Thomas.”

  Before I could reply, she hung up the phone. I wondered what to do next. Seek legal advice? Get Asia’s opinion? Call Nakia and tell her what her ex-husband was doing? Call Fred Sr. and ask him to leave me the hell alone? Yet I knew calling him would be of no help. It had been several days since our conversation in the car, and he was still determined to slander my character. Nakia had had no success in her attempts to speak with him rationally. He either ignored her calls when her number appeared on the caller ID, or he went to the opposite extremity and screamed at her through the phone, reiterating to her how she was now worth no more to him and Fred Jr. than a lost penny under the sofa pillow.

  Andrea interrupted my internal debate while I stared at the receiver, contemplating my next move.

  “Kyla, it is five o’clock on Friday and I am prepared to go home. Do you need something from me?”

  For the first time during her week as my assistant, Andrea veered from a monotonous all-black attire and wore a deep fuchsia sweater with a neckline so daring, I could see the small brown speckles leading to her nipples.

  “No, Andrea, I’m fine. Thanks for asking. Have a nice weekend,” I said, ready for her to leave me alone with my thoughts.

  Rather than scurry out of the office as most dismissed employees would, Andrea took the seat in front of me. “Something is bothering you, Kyla.”

  “Yes, there is.” And I’m not interested in sharing it with you.

  “Sometimes people on the outside can help.”

  I didn’t say anything in return.

  “No hay mal que por bien no venga. That means, there is no bad that something good does not come from it.”

  Still I was unable to respond, confused by Andrea’s desire to uplift.

  “I have a gift, Kyla. I see things and I see you. For you, what may seem bad has turned good. That will continue in your life. Do not worry.” She lifted herself from the chair. “As you all say, every cloud has a silver lining. You will find it.”

  Tempted between laughter and marvel, I opted instead to wish Andrea a good weekend again before she left my office. Had Gary hired the oracle? Finally, I did laugh despite my sincere appreciation of her soothing words.

  Out of high heels and relaxed in a new pair of K-Swiss, my feet sang songs of gratitude while I strolled through the Atlanta History Center Sunday afternoon. Nearing The Turning Point exhibition, my conversation with Lisa turned to Fred Jr. She informed me that Fred. Jr. told her exactly what he had witnessed when he arrived unannounced to Nakia’s. He also told her that Fred Sr. gave him strict instructions not to contact Nakia, me, or Lisa under any circumstances.

  “He sneaks to call me every night, waiting until his dad falls asleep or goes out for a while. It’s like I’m the only person he has to talk to right now.”

  “You might be, Lisa. It’s probably difficult for him to talk to his friends about this.”

  “His boys would talk about him real bad.”

  “Yes, unfortunately that might be true. Kids can be cruel.”

  “Kyla, he said he threw up on the way home.”

  “He was that sickened by it?”

  “Well, kind of. I mean, no one really wants to catch their parents having sex. Ever. But then to see that by someone you consider your mom, well, a second mom . . . it was too much. He kept trying to get it out of his head but couldn’t.”

  “So how does he feel about Nakia now?”

  We stopped to view a display case filled with guns and rifles used during the battle between northern and southern states of the Civil War. We were silent for a moment as we studied the equipment.

  “At first he was kind of, like, not sure what to do, but he still loves her. It’s his dad that won’t let him talk to her.”

  “He told his dad he wanted to talk to her?”

  “Yep. He won’t let him though. Can you get them together, Kyla? He wanted me to ask you.”

  “Lisa, it wouldn’t be right for me to get in the middle of this,” I answered, knowing it best not to meddle with an angry black man. “There’s nothing more I’d like than for Fred and Nakia to be able to see each other, but if Fred Sr. found out I got them together . . . “

  Lisa appeared disappointed by her unsuccessful attempt to help Fred. Jr.

  “Do you understand that technically Nakia has no right? Fred Sr. can use that against all of us. We just have to wait for him to come around and pray that he does.” If Tori can have a change of heart, anyone can, I thought to myself. I just hoped it didn’t take as long.

  “I’ll tell him you can’t help.”

  “Lisa, do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

  Lisa took a moment to trace her finger down the crease between two pieces of glass.

  “Um, well, I don’t know,” she said, visibly nervous for the first time since I’d picked her up that morning. “It’s like I’m trying not to see you differently, but it’s like I can’t help it. There are a few kids at school that people say are gay, and every time I see them, it’s like that’s the first thing I think about. You know, like, there’s a gay person.”

  Her response was exactly the answer I expected and had grown accustomed to.

  “I’m glad you’re trying not to focus on it, Lisa. When you see people you know are gay, just remember that’s not all there is to them—that there is so much more than just that part of who they are. Now that you know about me, it doesn’t mean I’m going to treat you any differently. I hope you feel the same.”

  “Yeah, after my dad told me that the lady from the club called to see if I had any problems with you, I was like, ‘No.’ Then he told me why she asked, and I was surprised. I mean, you don’t look like you’re gay or anything.” She finally turned to face me. “Why are you?”

  “Why am I gay?”

  She nodded.

  I took a deep breath. “I fell in love with a woman. For me, later in life I learned that’s what feels best for me and makes me happy.”

  “Well, honestly, I have this friend—not me,” she clarified. “I have this friend who told me that she thinks she’s gay. I asked her how she knew, and she said she doesn’t like boys at all. I know we’re only twelve, but I know I like boys, so I guess it’s not too early for her to know she likes girls. I was thinking that, maybe if she has questions, she can talk to you.”

  “Has she talked to her parents?” I asked, fearing a female version of Fred Sr. hiring a hitman after learning a lesbian spoke with her daughter about exploring her inner feelings.

  “Kind of. I mean, they wouldn’t let her say much when she tried to explain. They said she was young and would grow out of it.”

  “That was pretty brave of her to tell them already.”

  “You know, it was.”

  “If we get an okay with Monica and your friend’s parents, maybe you can invite her with us sometime.”

  “That would be cool! So you’ll tell Nakia that Fred isn’t mad at her?” she asked, switching the subject back to her crush.

  “Definitely. I know she’ll be glad to hear that.”

  Lisa stopped and gave me the briefest hug. “Thanks, Kyla. So you know, I’m going to tell Monica that I don’t want anyone else as my big sister.” She smiled.

  “I’m so glad, Lisa. Thank you.” I gave her a tight squeeze in return.

  Lisa pulled out the new lip-gloss we’d purchased earlier and applied it to her lips. Then we continued on with the rest of our afternoon walk through the center.

  “How’d it go?” Gene asked after I dropped Lisa off and she was in her bedroom, door closed
, with music blaring from the speakers.

  “It went well. She had a few questions, as I expected she would, but she said she plans to give Monica a thumbs-up.”

  “That’s my girl” He patted me on the shoulder. I suppose because Lisa wasn’t there to pat hers. “Her mom would be proud.”

  “She would be.”

  “To ease your mind, Kyla, it was never a concern of mine. When Monica called with this so-called information, I asked her why she was telling me. I know my daughter, and if anything felt wrong to her, she would have told me.”

  “Thanks, Gene. I’ve calmed down since her phone call. I understand it’s her job to investigate.”

  “True, true,” Gene said with a faraway look, his attention fading as he began to tune me out like he did in most our conversations. It seemed like every few minutes the ghost of his wife circled in his midst, seizing hold of his awareness and erasing the object that held his concentration, even for the briefest moment.

  “Gene, um, please tell me if I’m out of line for asking you this, but do you date at all?”

  The shock of the sudden interruption of his reminiscent state caused his eyes to widen.

  “I’m sorry if that’s too personal.”

  “No, no, Kyla, that’s fine. Well, no, I haven’t dated since my wife’s passing. Colleagues have offered to set me up on dates, but nothing ever manifested. Why? You interested?” He laughed.

  Is this a bad idea? I asked myself ten times over the next few seconds. Could she really abandon the explored intimate moments she had shared? Tuck them away into a corner of her mind, suppressing that which came natural to her? Could this be the destiny of two like spirits? Both in love with what they could not have. Nakia sacrificing a part of her being, leaving behind the chance to love another woman in order to actively participate in the life of a young man she loved as her own child. Gene, lost in love with his departed wife, succumbing to haunted illusions of her presence each time he blinked his eyes. Both capable of love, yet both sheltering a piece of their heart, its contents filled with memories of what may have been.

  “I have a friend I’d like you to meet.”

  “Oh yeah?” he questioned, half-wary, half-interested.

  “You may have some things in common.”

  “I don’t know, Kyla. That’s kind of Alicia Silverstone Clueless, don’t you think?” Asia frowned while she searched airfares through various websites offering the highest discounted tickets available.

  “Don’t you think the kids will be upset, considering they got the hots for one another?”

  “I thought about that, but I’m talking about two adults who need love in their lives, not two kids who have their first crushes. They’ll get over it.”

  “I suppose,” she said, clicking on another promising link. “The Fresh Prince got over it.”

  “Huh?”

  “On the show. Remember he was about to marry Nia Long, and then he didn’t, so his mom and her dad got married. Didn’t you watch that show, girl?”

  “Yeah, I did, Asia, but damn!” I wondered where her brilliant, educated mind drifted off to at times. We were positively a perfect match.

  “I have to find a way to bring it to Kia. Should I tell her in advance or set her up?”

  “Oh, you mean the way you set me up?” Asia grinned.

  “Worked like a charm, didn’t it?”

  “I say tell her and let her decide. She’s just getting over someone, even how short-lived it was. You sure you wouldn’t be setting Gene up to get his feelings hurt? I mean, she’s bisexual. Will she ever be truly satisfied with just him? Especially after having finally experienced being with a woman.”

  “I know. I thought about that. But even though she’s sad, every time I’ve talked to Kia, she assures me that she’s willing to sacrifice her desire for a woman, if that means she can have Fred Jr. in her life. Some days she handles it okay, and other days she struggles pretty bad. She’s adamant that she’s leaving women alone though. She took her ad off the dating site a while ago, she deleted Shanna’s number from her cell phone, and she’s gradually breaking Fred Sr. down.”

  “For real?” Asia asked.

  “Yeah. She said he actually listens to her side of the story now. Still doesn’t say much, but at least he’s not cussing her out anymore.”

  “That’s a start. She must really love that boy.”

  “Yes, she does. It’s awesome.”

  “Do you think you could love another woman’s child like that?” Asia asked.

  Jaron’s delightful brown eyes sparkled in my head. “Sure, I could. I’d like to have a family of my own someday,” I said, massaging her shoulders.

  She turned from the computer screen and looked up at me standing behind her.

  “I might not be able to legally marry, but no one can tell me I can’t have a child and have a family.”

  She spun on the stool to wrap her hands around my waist and rest her head on my belly. “So, who’s going to have the baby? Me or you?”

  “You’d be beautiful pregnant,” I said, imagining her heavenly glow emphasized by the growing life inside of her. Were we actually having this conversation already?

  “So would you.”

  “We can flip a coin.”

  Asia reached for the cup of change next to her computer and retrieved a quarter. “What are you?”

  “Tails,” I said, wondering if she was really serious.

  “Okay.”

  With a flip of her thumb, the quarter shot airbound above our heads, twirling in circles, finally landing secure in the palm of Asia’s hand.

  “Let me see.”

  Slowly she unwrapped her fingers from around the coin to reveal the profile of George Washington. “Yes!” she squealed, clapping her hands in the air.

  “Mama Asia,” I said and bent to kiss her forehead.

  “I like the sound of that. Mama Kyla sounds pretty good too.”

  “I’ll be his or her mom too.”

  “I know you will,” she said. “But, hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we each have a child? I can have the first, and you can have our second child. Then we both can experience pregnancy. I want to rub your belly and feel the baby you’d be bringing into our lives.”

  If it were possible for me to fall deeper in love with her, I did that very second. “I love that idea.”

  “Who will be the father? They should have the same dad.”

  I stopped myself from visualizing a child with Jeff before the idea had time to fully manifest in my imagination. “I don’t know,” I said, “but whoever he is, he’ll be one of the luckiest men in the world.”

  Asia spun back around in her stool and went back to the computer screen. “Now that that’s settled, let’s solve the immediate problem at hand and find some flights. I want you to hang with me and my family for a few days.”

  “Me too. Let’s book the flights, and then I’ll talk to Gary. With the stunt he pulled with Andrea, I know he won’t trip on me.”

  “Good. Everyone is anxious to meet you.”

  “I’m excited too. You sure there’s no psycho ex-girlfriends or secret boyfriends I need to worry about?”

  “Hell no. My name is not Kyla,” she joked.

  “No heartbroken ex-loves?”

  “Nope.”

  “No ax-murdering crazy girls who can’t get over your fine ass?”

  “Well . . .”

  “No stalking men determined to turn you out?”

  “Oh hell no!”

  “All right, I suppose I’m convinced it’s safe to go visit.”

  “My mom and dad have the guest room all set. Oh, I e-mailed them a photo of us from the wedding.”

  “Jeff’s wedding?”

  “Who else, Kyla?”

  “Do they know whose wedding it was?”

  “Yes, sweetie.”

  “So your mom knows I almost got married once?”

  “Yep.”

  “What did she say?

  �
��Don’t worry, darling, she didn’t say anything about that, really. My mom has grown to be very understanding. She feels a person can alternate between relationships, loving a man and then a woman, and she doesn’t care, so long as they’re happy. If you’re asking if she formed an opinion of you because you were once engaged, the answer is yes.” Asia didn’t elaborate and left me hanging.

  “What, Asia, what?” I asked, paranoia simmering through my veins.

  Asia smiled smugly and let me wait a minute before she responded. “She said you must be a person who doesn’t want to make mistakes in relationships. She said I’m lucky because you seem to commit only when it’s right.”

  “Really?” I asked, flattered.

  “Yeah. She already likes you, Kyla. We talk about you all the time. Now you just have to live up to all the praise I’ve given you,” she said with a wink.

  “I’m learning from the master. You won my mother over, which was a huge task. I’ll try to follow suit.”

  “Just be you.”

  “I am. That’s what you did,” I said with another kiss to her forehead.

  “You’ll be fabulous. Now, when is this peculiar date going to take place?”

  “Don’t say it’s strange. We’re going out Saturday, if Nakia agrees to it. I guess I won’t try to set her up blindly.”

  “Be careful, honey. You’re already on thin ice. Gene might have Monica get rid of you if this backfires.”

  “Asia, Gene is not going to stop letting me see Lisa just because he and Nakia bomb. If they bomb.”

  “All right,” she said. “I’ll let you do your thing. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “I knew what I was doing with you.”

  “Yeah, but what was your track record before that?”

  Ouch.

  “I’m sorry,” she said before I could defend myself or act like my feelings were hurt. “Let me make it up to you.” She took my hand and led me toward her bedroom, leaving the task of finding airfare for another time.

  I didn’t dwell on her comment. We both knew my past was all but pretty, and to believe that it wouldn’t have resurfaced on occasion would’ve been foolish on my part. That was then. She was my now, my present, my future, my everything.