Natural Love

by S. Celi

  I only broke the kiss when she moaned against my mouth. Something about the sound made me remember where we were. Who I was. What we were doing. How wrong it all was from the standpoint of everything I had ever been taught.

  No. We couldn’t do this. No. No. No.

  Someone might see.

  Above us, inside the house, a light in the study flipped on and I heard two voices. Had they seen us already?

  “I’m sorry,” I said as I forced our lips apart. I took an immediate step away from her, but it did little to calm us both. Her breath came out hard and fast, a series of quick pants, as if she hadn’t wanted to breathe while we kissed.

  And I don’t know what unsettled me more: the kissing, or the look of extreme pleasure she had on her face.

  “I am . . . I’m . . . I should go.” I said.

  Without another word, I turned and disappeared down the pathway, leaving her alone against the ivy.

  WHEN I REACHED the patio terrace in the back of the house, all of the party guests had found their spots to watch the Fourth of July fireworks. Some sat on blankets in groups on the lawn, others staked their claim by the bars, a few grabbed spots on the furniture that dotted the terrace and surrounded the pool deck, and about ten stood by the buffet, already craning their necks and watching the night sky.

  Meanwhile, I needed more bourbon. Or vodka. A tranquilizer. Something.

  Maybe I just needed to leave the party.

  Cool sweat beaded on my neck and my breathing wouldn’t slow. I thought about that kiss over and over until I felt certain I could taste Avery’s lips still on mine. So wrong. These feelings shouldn’t manifest this way.

  What a strange reality. A strange, delicious, irresistible reality. She wanted it. I wanted it.

  But we really, really, really shouldn’t have it.

  “Mr. Chadwick,” a waiter in a black tuxedo asked me a few seconds after I reached the buffet table. “May I get you something?”

  “Bourbon and Coke. Heavy on the bourbon.” He nodded, and then as he walked away I grabbed the back of his jacket and pulled him back to me. “Put it in a plastic cup, please. No ice.”

  Somewhere near me, a speaker turned on and the soundtrack Linda chose for the fireworks started to play through the expensive system hidden throughout the backyard. Guests exclaimed in an excitement when they heard it; everyone knew the fireworks were only a few minutes away. I checked my watch. 9:55. Five minutes.

  “Were you going to go this whole party and say nothing to me?”

  I turned my head at the voice, which came from my right. I hadn’t noticed anyone walking toward me. “Mom.”

  “Son.” Beneath her smile, her teeth gleamed from a recent bleaching session. “You look wonderful. Relaxed.”

  “Relaxed? I don’t know about that.” I leaned over and gave her a kiss on both cheeks. “I didn’t know you had made it to the party.”

  “Didn’t Linda mention I was coming?”

  “She did,” I said, and took her arm. “But you know how these parties are. So many people.”

  “Are you okay?” Mom gave me a long look, as if looking for something others would miss. “Why haven’t you allowed me to take you to lunch again? I miss you.”

  “Been busy,” I lied. “Dad’s getting ready to let me start at the company in a few weeks, but he wants me to learn some more of the details about the properties first. Takes a lot of time.”

  “I’m sure,” she said, unconvinced.

  “I’ll take you to lunch this week. I promise. How about the country club on Tuesday?”

  “I’ve got a board meeting that day downtown.” She grinned. “How about Met Club?”

  “Of course. Our usual spot, right?”

  “Twelve thirty.” Mom gave me one of her signature skeptical looks. “And don’t be late.”

  “I won’t.”

  “How’s Avery?” my mother asked as the first firework went off above the tree-line and to the delighted, collective cries of the crowd around us.

  I rocked back on my heels once and shoved my hands into the pockets of my dress pants. “She’s fine.”

  “Come on. I know she’s more than just fine. I hate when you use such vague words. So low class.”

  Sometimes my mother’s snobbery shown brighter than freshly polished silver.

  “Busy,” I said. “Getting ready for grad school, and all that.”

  “She’s headed to UC’s grad school in the fall, right?” My mother’s sculpted and dyed dark eyebrow shot up, but she kept her attention on the fireworks, which now came fast and heavy in the sky above us.

  “That’s what I hear.”

  “Not what you hear, Spencer. It’s what you know.” Then her thick red lips burst into a grin. “Avery’s a smart girl. Smarter than your father gives her credit for. She’ll do well in grad school.” Mom let a pregnant beat pass between us. “And if she doesn’t do well, she has you to help her out.”

  The crowd burst into applause as the fireworks grew stronger, and I followed their lead, clapping and pretending the colored lights had my unwavering attention.

  “She’ll do just fine in grad school,” I said.

  “I’m sure.” My mother stepped closer to me and hooked her arm around my elbow. “And like I said, you’ll help her out if need be.”

  I stared at her for a moment, feeling sweat bead on the back of my neck. Had she seen us? Did she suspect something?

  “What are you trying to say?” I finally managed.

  “NOTHING. JUST THAT I know you all are close. Closer than most siblings.”

  “Stepsiblings,” I said, trying to read my mother’s tone. I couldn’t tell—did she suspect something, or was she just making idle cocktail party conversation?

  She waved her hand. “Of course. Stepsiblings. Stepsiblings who share an affinity for each other.”

  “Affinity? What?” My eyes widened. “How would you know?”

  “How would I know what?”

  I exhaled. “Nothing. Never mind.”

  “Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

  “Well it is,” I said, my jaw tightening and flexing. Fuck. The last thing I needed was to show anyone that I was unsettled or thrown off by something. “Just forget about it.”

  “Spencer, come on.”

  “I’m serious, Mother. It’s nothing.”

  Another pause floated between us, this one more awkward than the last. Fireworks still broke overhead, lighting the night sky and our well-dressed guests.

  “Speaking of Avery.” Mother finally nodded in the direction of the pool deck. “I wonder why she’s just walking up right now. Surely she wouldn’t want to miss all the fireworks. Not on her birthday.”

  As we watched her, Avery walked to pool deck from the back of the house, as if she’d walked through the foyer and the front rooms of the estate, instead of following me through the side yard. She didn’t smile or look at the fireworks as she walked to the deck. Instead, she reminded me of a sad, broken child, and she appeared thinner and more fragile than when I had left her against the ivy after our kiss.

  “Is she okay?” Mother asked in between firework bursts.

  “I don’t know. I guess. I’m not sure. Haven’t spent much time with her tonight.”

  “Is that right?” Mother said in a way that told me she knew I had just lied, and badly. “Hmm. She doesn’t look well. Very abnormal for her.”

  “She’ll be okay,” I said, more to convince myself than my mother. “Avery doesn’t let things bother her for very long.”

  I kept one eye on Avery as my mother’s attention turned back to the fireworks. The roaring booms and the array of lights did little to entice me, though. Someone could have told me I’d win a million dollars just by ignoring Avery for the rest of the night, and I wouldn’t have done it. She pulled me to her no matter where she stood, what she said, where she went, whom she talked to or how she acted.

  Obsession could be funny that way.

  As I watched he
r, Jim Peterson walked over to Avery and said something in her ear. Then he motioned for her to follow him and the two of them cut a path through the crowd to Dad and Linda, who stood near the band watching the firework finale.

  I knew what would come next, but it still amused me.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests,” Dad said into one of the band’s wireless microphones after the sounds from the fireworks faded away. “Words cannot express what a joy it is to have you here tonight, celebrating yet another year of independence for our great nation and another wonderful year for Chadwick Properties and Construction.”

  The partygoers answered Dad in a round of quiet, courteous applause.

  “What I hope, and really what I always hope, is that each of you will see at this party just how important you are to me, and to my family.”

  More applause.

  Dad began to wax poetic, as he always did during speeches like this one. “Years ago, almost thirty years now, I started Chadwick Properties and Construction out of my garage. Just a man and a dream.”

  “Here he goes.” Mother caught my eye and burst into a grin. “Typical.”

  “Typical,” I muttered.

  “Your father never understood one key thing about being wealthy,” my mother said under her breath. “The truly rich don’t flaunt it.”

  My attention remained on Avery. She stood just off to the side of Dad with a perfect princess smile on her face, and her hands clasped behind her back. Something about the way the light caught her dress made the red fabric shimmer.

  If anything about our kiss still affected her, she no longer showed it. In fact, in just the short walk from the pool deck to the bandstand, she’d transformed into a confident woman who looked like she fit right into the Chadwick last name. She could have been on a billboard for the company and sold anything, even alcohol to a bourbon distillery.

  Speaking of bourbon . . .

  “I never had any idea we’d have this much success, that my family would grow and see the kind of joy we’ve seen. We’ve been very blessed, blessed by God for this to happen to us.” He paused and cleared his throat as if he wanted to clear away some of the emotion of the moment. “And blessed to know all of you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

  Applause came again, a little louder that time.

  “Now.” He chuckled into the microphone. “There is one special family member I am honored to have here tonight a special person who lights up my life and changes those around her.” He motioned to my beloved stepsister. “Ladies and gentlemen, Avery Jackson.”

  She stepped forward and waved to the crowd.

  “Miss Avery here is turning twenty-two in just a few hours.” Dad held up his wrist and checked his watch. “Less time than that, really.”

  The applause started again. Mother and I clapped, too.

  “Avery is the glue that holds this family together,” Dad told the crowd. “She is the one person who lights up all of us—Linda, myself, and even my Son, Spencer. Where are you, Spencer?”

  I raised my hand and took an obligatory step away from my mother.

  “Come on over here, Son.” Dad motioned to me with a big, fake grin on his face, as if he found it funny that I hadn’t joined them earlier. I knew he thought the opposite. He especially hated when anything about the Chadwick family appeared out of place in public.

  I shoved my hands in my pockets, balled them into fists, and walked to the bandstand area with a plastic smile affixed to my face. When I got there, I took a spot on the opposite side of Avery. If I’d stood next to her, I would have lost control of myself. And I’d already lost enough control for the night.

  “Now, it’s a rite of passage in our family that my children get a gift reflecting their accomplishments at the end of high school and college. We sent Spencer on a trip to Costa Rica with his friends after he graduated valedictorian from Summit County Day, and after he graduated Wharton, we gave him a new Audi.” I winced at the memory of the car I’d wrecked the night of the DUI accident. Meanwhile, as Dad turned back to my stepsister, he had the crowd’s rapt attention. He also sounded like a bragging asshole. “Now listen, Avery, honey, I’m sorry we didn’t give you your gift after graduation from UC. I hope you know that doesn’t mean we thought any less of your success at college, or the future that you have in graduate school.”

  He paused for a beat.

  “I wanted, instead, to find the perfect gift for you, and sweetheart that took a while. But now, after weeks of deciding, you mother and I have it.” He stepped away from the bandstand and gestured to the darkness behind him. “Ladies and gentleman, I would do anything for this girl, and while her last name might be Jackson, I’m proud to call her a Chadwick. She’s a huge source of pride for our family, and we know the next two years of graduate school will only be the start of great things from her.”

  More robotic applause pulsed through the crowd. I scanned it and my eyes fell on my mother. She had moved to the front row of guests, and when our eyes met, she winked at me.

  “Avery,” Dad said. “Here is your twenty-second birthday gift.”

  With a flourish of his hand, the Lexus hiding in the darkness behind the bandstand flipped on its lights. A brand new Lexus ES 300h in a beveled silver with a tan interior. A car with a $39,000 starting sticker price, but I know right away the model Dad purchased had all of the options. Henry got out of the car and dangled the keys at Avery.

  “Enjoy, honey,” Dad said. “This baby is all yours. The perfect car for a perfect daughter.”

  An impressed rumble pulsated through the crowd. That car made a statement, and not just to Avery. I kept my eyes on her, though, and that’s when I saw a grimace flicker across her face. She was just as shaken up as me about what had just happened between us. That kiss had changed everything.

  Everything.

  And then, in the flash of a nanosecond, the grimace disappeared.

  Avery squealed. In fact, she did more than that. She jumped a few times, and had the widest smile I had ever seen on her face. A mix of jumbled exclamations tumbled from her mouth. She hugged Dad and then Linda. As I watched from the sidelines, she took the keys from Henry’s hand and rushed over to the car. Dad and Linda followed her, just as happy as Avery about this unforgettable surprise.

  I should have followed, too, then posed for photographs and inspected the car along with them. I was, after all, my father’s son, and for all intents and purposes, the heir to Chadwick Properties and Construction. I should have hugged Avery and shared in the moment. I should have acted happy and thrilled to see my beloved stepsister so surprised and content with this moment in her life.

  But I couldn’t. Not after that moment in the side yard.

  As I stood there on the fringe, all I thought about were Avery’s lips. That kiss had so much behind it, too much, if I really wanted to admit it to myself. All this time, I’d known I had feelings for her that broke the boundary of a normal family relationship, but I’d never had utter confirmation that she had them, too. That kiss gave all that to me, though. Avery wouldn’t have opened herself to me if she didn’t want to, if she didn’t sense something unyielding and magnetic between the two of us, too.

  I wanted to love her. That’s all I wanted, and at that moment I knew it for sure. If only our parents hadn’t married. If only we hadn’t grown up together. If only we’d met some other way, like two normal people. Instead, we were on a collision course I knew might destroy our family and would certainly destroy me.

  If only.

  As the rest of the party guests gathered around the car and my beautiful stepsister, I stood rooted to the fresh-cut grass on the manicured lawn. I didn’t see or hear any of them anymore. I only had the memories of our kiss and the utter frustration of falling for someone I knew I wouldn’t ever have. She might claim to have feelings for me too, but we could never act on them again.

  Never. Not when it put the future of our family at risk. Not when it threatened to undo e
verything my father had built and everything the Chadwick name had come to mean. We needed to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of the greater good. We needed to stop before we went any further.

  And that had to happen right away, no matter how much it killed me inside.

  After a few minutes, I turned around and left the party. Alone. I needed to be alone, away from everyone. I needed a few more drinks. And I needed to figure out a way to forget this night.

  THE COLD SHEETS did nothing. A few shots from the bourbon bottle under my bed did nothing. Watching TV in my room did nothing. Pulling the sheets over my head did nothing. Jacking off did nothing. Every time I closed my eyes¸ I saw Avery.

  Avery in the red dress with the black lace that she wore to the party. Avery’s face when she saw the new Lexus. Avery in the pool. Avery sitting at the breakfast bar in front of a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Avery at sixteen, a sad smile on her face when she told me she’d miss me the day I left for Wharton. Avery’s wrist and the bracelet I bought her in South Africa. Avery’s long hair and the way she wore it that night: twisted and curled so it fell down her back in long ringlets. Avery’s breasts. Avery’s legs. Avery’s eyes. Avery’s lips when I kissed her.

  A forbidden kiss.

  A kiss that should never have happened. A kiss that teased us both. A kiss I hadn’t tried to stop, though I knew I should have. A kiss that revealed too much and left me desperate for more. Worse, a kiss that showed me that she still wanted me, too, and that she hadn’t been drunk or delirious the night after her friend’s birthday party at 21c. And that didn’t include the way her body felt, the way her breasts felt . . .

  Damn my life.

  Obsession with my stepsister threatened to take over everything. It spread through my body and wrapped around every cell. It danced in my blood and clouded my thoughts. It played piano on my spine and gave me a hard-on I couldn’t satisfy. And I never wanted it to leave me.

  After a while, I lay there in the darkness and stared at the ceiling. Sleep wouldn’t come either. She wouldn’t help me. It teased me, just like the thoughts about Avery did, and I was sick of the game. I needed some relief, something to stop the pain. Something to stem the obsession. Something to make me forgot. Or something to make me remember. Maybe just something.