The Minnesota Candidate

by Nicholas Antinozzi

  “She’s right,” said Sam. “I was just thinkin’ the same thing.”

  “But I can’t let you in there,” cried Shari.

  “You see, you’re already regressing,” said Chona.

  “She sounds like a crazy woman,” said Marie.

  Sam jumped to his feet. “Will you get outta here?”

  “I got to go to the bathroom. For crying out loud, will you just stop treating me like a two year-old?”

  Doris stood at the open patio door with her hand cupped to her good ear. She hadn’t heard everything, but she thought she had heard enough. She walked down to the dock and lit up a smoke. Tommy had married a robot. She couldn’t believe it, but that’s what the Chinese bitch had called her and nobody had argued. Doris had seen movies about robot people, but she had never met one in person. She took a long drag on her Marlboro and inhaled, deeply. Doris wondered if robots were able to own property. She didn’t think so, but she would ask Marie.

  Marie arrived a minute later, holding a freshly lit cigarette in a backwards peace sign. “Looks like they really went at it,” she said, exhaling smoke. “I think Shari’s nose is broken.”

  “She’s a robot, she can get a new one,” said Doris. “You heard what they said.”

  “I don’t think they meant that she was a hundred percent robot. I think she’s more like a Steve Austin kind of robot.”

  Doris nodded, that seemed more likely, but it put a damper on her argument against robots owning property. “So, I’ve got the bionic woman for a daughter in-law, huh?”

  “I hate to say it, but I think so. No wonder Tommy loves her, I’ll bet she’s good in the sack.”

  “Will you stop it? That’s just gross. I don’t want to think of them like that.”

  “Simmer down, I was only kidding. Ya know, maybe that was what was wrong with Shari’s face. I’ll bet she had a short circuit… or something like that.”

  “What difference does that make? You heard what they said. We have to get in there. I think we should go, right now.”

  Marie looked over her shoulder, up at the big brick house. She nodded her head and puffed on her cigarette. “I almost forgot to tell you the good news,” she said, exhaling a long stream of smoke.

  “Yeah, what’s that?”

  “You were right about there being a circuit breaker in the garage for the big house. She even has it marked as her parent’s house. Whatever robot parts she’s got, I don’t think they’re in her brain. That’s pretty stupid, if ya ask me.”

  “She’s dumber than… three guys changing a light bulb.”

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind… I say we grab our stuff and go. Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

  “No, I just went. What about you?”

  Doris shook her head. “I don’t have to go. Let’s get moving, it sounds like they’re wearing Shari down. We can’t let Sam get in there before we do.”

  Marie’s eyes went wild and she tossed her cigarette into the lake. Like an offensive lineman, she squared her big shoulders and began to run up-field, towards the garage. Doris followed her, cradling the paper sack like a football.

  Chapter 25

  Sam and Tom took Chona’s Ford into town to pick up a few necessities from the grocery store, while Chona poured over Norma’s journals. Shari sat in the living room and stared out the window. She had never felt so conflicted about anything in her entire life. Shari was losing her grip on reality and she knew it, which only made it worse. She turned on the television and her hand quickly shot to her mouth. “Oh no,” she groaned.

  Chona looked up and stared at the man’s picture on the TV. A smiling Senator Merle Levitz stared back at them. There were two dates printed under Senator Levitz’s photo, the second being today’s date. A somber man was giving the preliminary report. The plane carrying Senator Levitz had crashed this morning outside of Minneapolis. Miraculously, the presidential candidate was the lone survivor of this crash, suffering what was described as severe bumps and bruises. Tragically, while be transported by medevac to an area hospital, the Senator’s helicopter crashed in a wooded area near Wayzata. “Oh my God,” said Chona. “That’s just terrible.”

  Shari stared at the television in disbelief. “Merle Levitz was one of my dad’s best friends,” she said. “He and Gloria have had the place next door for over thirty years.”

  “I’m so sorry. Two crashes in one day… what are the odds of that happening?”

  Shari scowled. “I’d say about a hundred percent. Somebody didn’t want him being elected. You just watch, they’ll did up some dirt on those pilots and sweep the whole thing under the rug.”

  Chona stared at Shari and shook her head. “Wasn’t he the guy who filibustered against Sharia law being incorporated into the Constitution?”

  Shari nodded her head. “That’s him, what a coincidence, huh?”

  “I can’t believe it.”

  Shari heard something and she walked to the window. In the distance, a large plume of black smoke was rising into the air. Several helicopters were hovering in the same area. Shari pointed out the window. “Look! That must be where the chopper crashed.”

  Chona walked over and stood next to Shari. The telephone rang and Shari walked over to answer it. Tom was on the other end of the call. “The road is blocked,” he said, “we can’t get through.”

  “Haven’t you heard the news?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Senator Levitz was killed in a helicopter crash, just down the road from here. I guess it just happened.”

  “That’s terrible… Well, there isn’t any other way out of here, how am I supposed to get groceries?”

  “You’ll just have to wait. We’ll survive, Tom.”

  “Alright, I guess we’ll see you in a few minutes. I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” said Shari, hanging up the telephone.

  “Let me guess,” said Chona. “They have the road blocked?”

  Shari nodded and continued staring out the window. “Chona, will you do me a favor?”

  “Sure, what do you need?”

  “I want you to go out to the garage. Under the workbench, you’ll find a coil of anchor rope. You’ll see it. I want you to meet me up in my room and tie me to my bed.”

  “Does that mean you’re going to let us into your parent’s house?”

  Shari’s eyes grew narrow and she suddenly charged Chona. “Nobody goes in there!” she screamed.

  Chona was ready for the attack. She spun high in the air and caught Shari on the side of her head with the toe of her sneaker. Shari was sent sprawling to the living room floor. Chona had never used the spin kick on a real person and at first she was worried that she might have killed her friend. She dropped to her knees and touched her fingers to Shari’s neck. She smiled when she felt a strong pulse. Chona grabbed Shari by an arm and a leg and hefted her into a fireman’s carry. She then began to climb the stairs.

  With the power shut off to the big house, Doris and Marie attempted to place the ladder into position. This proved to be no easy task. Angry words were exchanged and knuckles were bruised and fingers were pinched. They couldn’t agree on whether to place the top of the ladder over or next to the window. Eventually, Marie won the argument and they decided that over the window was best. Somehow, the two women managed to complete the job and they stood on the grass, looking up at the window. The blazing sun stared back down upon them. “Which one of us is going first?” asked Doris.

  “She’s your daughter in-law,” said Marie. “You have to go first.”

  “Oh, like that really matters. Marie, you know I have Virgo.”

  Marie rolled her eyes at Doris. “Don’t you mean vertigo?”

  “You know that’s exactly what I meant. I can’t go first. I’d fall down and take you out on my way down.”

  Marie stared up at the window and nodded her head. She then slung one of the canvas sacks over her shoulder. “Fine, you do whatever you want to d
o. I’m going up there and I’m keeping whatever I find. If you stay here, don’t expect me to split any of the booty. I mean it, Doris.”

  “I’ll be right behind you,” said Doris.

  “Famous last words,” grunted Marie. She hefted herself onto the first rung. “Get over here and hold this thing.”

  Doris stepped over and held the ladder and she watched as Marie slowly ascended. Once she was over Doris’ head, Marie never looked down. Doris told herself to remember that. “Don’t look down,” she whispered, “just don’t look down.”

  “I’m not looking down,” grunted Marie. “Will you stop saying that?”

  Doris watched as Marie climbed higher and higher. The extension ladder flexed and bowed, but Marie never slowed down. Doris held on and watched as Marie stopped directly over the window. Marie reached out and pulled up on the window. There was a squeak, but it lifted to its full height. “What do you see?” Doris shouted.

  “The windowsill is full of bird crap!”

  “Well, what did you expect? That window has been open for five years!”

  Marie began swinging her canvas sack in a pendulum motion. She released it and it disappeared into the open window. Marie gave an excited whoop and looked down at Doris. And then she clung to the ladder and froze. “I didn’t realize how high up I was!” she hollered. “I don’t think I can do this!”

  “Get your fat ass in there!” replied Doris. Seeing Marie so close to their destination had zapped the fear from her body. Doris was salivating at the idea of climbing inside the house. From where she stood, it looked like all Marie had to do was step off the ladder and into the big open window. This was their last chance and Doris was determined not to let it pass. “Get in there!” she shouted. “I’m coming up!”

  Marie didn’t reply, nor did she move. Doris let go of the ladder and she hefted her canvas sack. Fearlessly, she began to climb the ladder. Reminding herself not to look down, Doris passed over the second story windows and approached the third story. That was when the ladder began to bounce. “Stop!” cried Marie. “You’re going to kill us both!”

  “Get in there, you fat cow!”

  “I can’t, I’m too afraid that I’ll fall!”

  “I’m coming up and if you’re not out of my way, I’ll throw you off of this damned ladder. I mean it, Marie. Jump into the house!”

  The top of the ladder began slapping at the brick and Marie gave a terrified squeal. She then kicked one foot onto the windowsill and clawed at the top of the window with her right hand. A moment later, she let go of the ladder and jumped. She landed on the windowsill and began flailing her free hand as she wobbled. Doris thought Marie was going to fall, but the big woman disappeared into the window and there was a loud crashing sound. With the ladder flexing beneath her weight, Doris scrambled up until she was level with the window. Blindly, she tossed her heavy sack into the open window. Marie gave a painful cry as Doris propelled herself across the chasm. She planted her feet on the sill and sprang through the window, barrel-rolling across the floor. The ladder bounced once and crashed back to the ground.

  The small room was empty and it stank of mold and mildew. Marie sat with her back against the wall. Blood gushed from a gash on her forehead and she held one hand over it. “Find the first aid kit,” she groaned. “Didn’t you see me in here?”

  “See you?” asked Doris, indignantly. “I couldn’t see a damn thing from out there,” she began rummaging through her sack and she quickly found the first aid kit. She then doctored the wound as if Marie were a stray dog, paying no attention to her yelps of pain. “There,” she said, “you’re as good as new.”

  “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

  “You’ll be fine. You must have got beaned by the flashlight. I’m sorry about that.”

  “Sure you are.”

  “Look, you can sit up here and whine all day. But I’m going on a treasure hunt and I was hoping that we could go together. You can either swim or sink, Marie. The choice is up to you.”

  “Why do you always have to be so mean? I really do feel like I’m gonna puke.”

  Doris picked up her sack and rose to her feet. She then walked to the door. “Like I said, you can do what you want to do. Just remember this, Marie. Finders keepers, you know what I mean?”

  Marie staggered to her feet. “You’re one mean bitch.”

  “That’s what Vince used to say. Are you with me?”

  Marie nodded her head. She leaned over and picked up her canvas sack, groaning at the exertion. “Let’s do it,” she said, excitedly.

  Doris reached for the door handle and tried giving it a twist. The door was locked. “You still got that crowbar?” she asked.

  Marie was already digging the crowbar from her sack. “Oh yeah,” she growled. “Get out of the way.”

  At the gate, Sam shook his head as he waited for it to open. “I don’t know, Tommy,” he said. “This whole thing sounds a little crazy. Maybe Shari was just hypnotized or somethin’ like that? Come on, a ray gun?”

  “Norma wrote about them in her journal. Why would she do that if it never existed?”

  Sam shrugged. “She was a woman, I can’t answer that. Don’t ever make the mistake of thinkin’ you can think like a woman. Only a moron thinks that. Our job is to make them happy, not to understand them. Know what I mean?”

  Tom nodded and Sam drove through the gate. Suddenly, Sam stopped the truck and pointed out his window. “You got some kind of weird tracks goin’ into the woods.”

  “What kind of weird tracks?”

  “Like bigfoot kind of tracks, how the hell am I supposed to know? They’re just weird, that’s all. You been out here workin’ on somethin’?”

  Tom was already climbing out of the truck. He walked around the front of the idling Ford and stood at the driver’s side fender. Sam stepped out and pointed to the ground where two grooves had been cut into the grass. The groves were roughly two feet apart and they cut deep into the sod, before running off under the pine trees. “That is odd,” said Tom. “What do you suppose caused it?”

  Sam shut off the engine and stepped out of the cab. “Let’s go find out,” he said.

  They followed the grooves into the woods and Tom pointed down. “It looks like someone was dragging something.”

  Sam squatted down next to the tracks and touched his fingers into the groove. “They’re fresh, too,” he said.

  “How can you tell?”

  Sam smiled. “I can’t tell. I just saw that in a movie and have always wanted to say it”

  Suddenly, someone burst from behind a downed pine tree and began running through the little woods. Both men gave chase, but Sam was much faster than Tom and he soon was out of sight. Tom slogged along through the thick bed of pine needles, breathless and quickly running out of gas. Finally, he stopped to catch his wind. He stood hunched over with his hands on his knees. A few minutes later, Sam reappeared. He was holding a short, middle-aged man by the collar of what had once been a white shirt. The man struggled to break free and Sam readjusted his grip. He had curly black hair and a dark five O’clock shadow. Tom could see that the man was well dressed, but his clothes were filthy and spattered with blood.

  “I caught the son of a bitch,” said Sam.

  “That guy looks familiar,” said Tom, scratching his chin. “Let him go.”

  “Let him go? I just caught him. We got to call the cops.”

  “No,” cried the man, who Tom now recognized as Senator Merle Levitz, “they’re trying to kill me… you can’t turn me in!”

  “And I’m the king of England,” said Sam.

  “Let him go,” repeated Tom, “that’s the Senator who was in the helicopter crash!”

  “You have to let me hide here,” said Levitz. “For the love of God, will you please listen to me? There have been two attempts on my life, just today. Shari will vouch for me. I was a friend of her father’s. I need to see her.”

  Sam spun Levitz around and studied his f
ace. “Yeah, I suppose you could be Senator Levitz. You look bigger on television. We got to get you to a doctor. You’re bleedin’ all over the place.”

  Levitz shook his head and twisted free of Sam. “I’ll be okay, but we can’t involve the authorities. Please, I’m begging you.”

  “What about your family?” asked Tom, leading the men out of the woods, “do you want me to try to contact anyone?”

  “They probably have people waiting at my house. We can’t risk it.”

  “Tommy, you and Shari got any Super Glue? I can probably get this guy fixed up. Those cuts don’t look too bad.”

  “I think so. Let’s just get back to the house and we’ll let the women look at him.”

  “You had better ride in the back,” said Sam, eyeballing Levitz. “Chona would be mad as hell if you got blood all over her new upholstery.”

  Senator Levitz didn’t argue. Sam opened the tailgate, gingerly, Levitz crawled into the back of the truck. “They must know that you’re not dead,” said Tom, “look.”

  Flying slowly, just a mile or so to the west, were five olive-colored helicopters. Sam took one look at them and he quickly slammed the tailgate. “Hurry,” said Levitz. “I need to get inside.”

  Despite the sense of urgency, Sam drove the Ford at a snail’s pace. Tom stared at him and pointed straight ahead. “Speed it up,” he said. “Quit driving like a grandma.”

  Sam shook his head. “Goes to show how much you know. A good getaway driver knows better than to speed. You got to blend in, Tommy. Those choppers would be on us in a Texas heartbeat if we was speedin’.”

  Tom thought about that and he nodded his head. “I suppose you’re right, but you could speed it up a little bit. Senator Levitz is probably having a heart attack.”

  “That’s his problem. So, what are we supposed to do with this guy? I wonder how close he was to Shari’s old man? Do you think he might have an idea of where this ray gun is?”