But I stood down. Brad had been my best friend since we were thrown together as random roommates freshman year. I knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t trying to be a dick. He just didn’t think before he opened his mouth. And to be fair, a month ago a comment like that wouldn’t have bothered me.
I poked at the fire, which was starting to get to a decent height. I wasn’t one to live with regrets, but for the first time, I wished I’d been a little more prudent with my dating life. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go through girls as quickly as I turned over Netflix movies. It was rare a girl had hard feelings toward me, though. Usually things ended on a decent note, so I figured no harm, no foul.
Then I went and fell for Bri. And suddenly my past didn’t quite seem okay anymore.
I hadn’t intended for her to find out about it like this. She had to have some sort of clue that I’d dated around, but to hear it put like that by my friends…what must she be thinking?
I guess I’d find out. She walked across the lawn in the darkness, and I went to meet her to make sure she didn’t trip on anything in the yard. In the middle of a party, there were bound to be stray beer bottles and cans lying around.
“Thanks,” she said as I put my hand on the small of her back to guide her. When we got to the bonfire, she scanned the area. “Where are Cori and Amber? They left before me.”
“I don’t know. Listen, about Brad’s comment—”
She put a hand on my chest. “Not here. We do need to talk, but not here.”
“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to think—”
“It’s okay.” There was a sadness in her eyes, though. “It’s okay,” she repeated.
Maybe I was just imagining that she looked sad. Maybe the light from the fire was playing tricks. We would have to talk about it eventually, but for now I would take her word that everything was fine.
Cori strolled up, my guitar case slung over her shoulder. “Josh, I hope you don’t mind. It’s been a while since you’ve played for us out here.”
“For you, Cori, I never mind.” I smiled at her as I took the guitar. Then the smile fell off my face.
Shit. Did it look like I was flirting with Cori? Fuck me. Cori was my bud, my friend’s girl, and I had nothing but love for her—like I would love a sister. But damn, now I was worried it might seem like I was trying to hit on her or something.
I glanced at Bri out of the corner of my eye, but she didn’t look like anything had bothered her.
Fuck me. Was this what love did to you? Made you all paranoid? Luke would beat my ass if I ever actually hit on Cori, so I knew I hadn’t crossed any line, but damn. I didn’t realize how flirtatious I was when I talked to girls. It was like that was the only way I knew how to communicate with them.
“Should we wait for Amber?” I asked.
“That would be a no,” Cori said. “Amber’s passed out on Brad’s couch. He never should have made her drinks doubles.”
“Poor baby girl. Should I go check on her?” Brad asked.
“She’s fine,” Cori said. “She just needs to sleep it off. She’ll probably have a serious hangover in the morning, though, and that one’s on you.”
We settled in, and a few others wandered out from the house to join us. I got the usual requests, including some idiot—Brad—yelling “Free Bird!” I liked that song just as much as the next guy, but people needed to give it a rest.
“I still think you should do open mic night at Thirsties,” Cori said.
Christ. I’d forgotten all about that. Here we go again.
“Wait, what’s this?” Bri asked. Cori explained it to her, and her eyes lit up. “You should do it.”
For fuck’s sake, now Cori had Bri on the open mic bandwagon. I could deny that girl almost nothing. This was the one exception.
“Ladies, save your breath. It’s not happening. It will never happen.”
“But why not?” Bri asked, frowning. “You’re very talented.”
I shrugged. “Not my thing.”
Putting myself out there like that would be an open invitation for ridicule. Most stuff rolled off my back, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle drunk jerk-offs in the audience criticizing my music.
Or worse—people I actually cared about criticizing it.
That was one risk not worth taking.
“Have you ever done it?” Bri asked.
“No.”
“Then how do you know it’s not your thing?” Her voice was taking on that counselor tone.
“I’m not a performer.”
Cori snorted, and even Luke laughed at that. I shot them dirty looks. Okay, so I didn’t mind being the center of attention sometimes. This was totally different. Why didn’t they get that?
“What about the Greek talent show? You performed there,” Cori reminded me.
“That’s just screwing around, kind of like this. No big deal.”
“And this is just open mic night at Thirsties,” Cori said. “Come on. It’s not like anyone takes it seriously.”
“I take my own music seriously.” The minute the words left my mouth, I wished I could take them back. Talk about feeding the frenzy.
Cori smiled smugly. “So you do have your own music.”
I zipped my guitar into the case and stood. “This conversation is over.”
I held my hand out to Bri, and she took it. We headed back toward the house.
And I couldn’t be certain, but I thought maybe she and Cori exchanged some kind of conspiratorial look behind my back. Just what I needed—for the two women I respected the most to gang up on me.
Fuck me.
…
Bri
I didn’t bother taking off my coat once we got back to Josh’s room. “I should get going.”
Josh propped up his guitar in the corner with the other ones. “Are you sure you have to go? It’s early.”
“It’s after one.”
He shrugged and wrapped his arms around me, looking down at me with his baby blues. My resolve weakened.
“It’s relative,” he said. “You don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow, do you?”
“No, but I’m tired. I should go.” I avoided his gaze. Those eyes of his could convince me to do anything, and it was best I left.
“Bri.”
“What?”
“Look at me.”
I looked up into his eyes, and part of me melted. This was exactly why I needed to leave. I had a lot on my mind, and I couldn’t think clearly with him nearby. When he was around, I just wanted to be with him. But now I needed to consider whether or not this was a good idea.
“Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
I sighed. “Josh, I don’t know. You and me…there’s just so much…it doesn’t make sense.”
His response was a kiss; one that sent shivers ricocheting down to my toes. I leaned into him, telling myself it was just a good night kiss, not the start of something.
I wasn’t even fooling myself.
I pushed him away. “Josh, this isn’t a good idea. We’re in two different places right now.”
“I’d say we’re both right here.”
“Not literally.” I sighed. I had a love/hate relationship with this part of him. When I was in a playful mood, I found his quips amusing, but when I was trying to have a serious conversation with him, they just annoyed me.
“Sorry,” he said, pulling me down to sit next to him on the couch. “It’s late, you’re beautiful, and I can’t think straight.”
I looked at him skeptically. “You said it wasn’t late.”
He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “What’s going on, Bri?”
I’m scared you’re going to break my heart.
“This. Everything. I mean, how do I know I’m not just another girl to you? I don’t do that, Josh. I’m not one of those girls.”
“No, you’re not.” He fisted and unfisted his hands in frustration. “Look, if I could take back parts of my past, I would. I pl
ayed the field…a lot. But that’s because I hadn’t met anyone who was worth more than a few weeks of my time. You can ask anyone. I never lied to any of those girls. I never promised them it was more than what it was—a casual fling. With you, it’s different.”
He was saying exactly what I needed to hear, which made me suspicious. It all sounded like an elaborate line, a play to get in my pants or something.
Except he hadn’t made any moves in that direction. He’d been really patient with me, only going as far as I was comfortable. Logic told me there were much more attractive girls who would give him a lot less trouble if all he wanted was some action.
My shoulders slumped. “I want to believe you.”
“So believe me. I’m telling you the truth.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“It just…isn’t. I don’t know. I’m not making any sense.”
I sounded ridiculous. I knew it, but fear didn’t have to make sense. My parents signed adoption papers, but I spent my tween years petrified I’d be sent away if I spilled something on the carpet or forgot to empty the dishwasher.
My fear about trusting Josh with my heart was a much more rational one.
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You’re really not.”
“We don’t have anything in common.”
“Sure we do. I like you. You like me. My friends like you. What else do you need? I’m the one who should be concerned. Are you still keeping me a secret from your friends?”
I bit my lip. My silence answered his question.
“That’s kind of messed up, Bri.” He rose and started pacing.
“It’s complicated.”
“You keep saying that, but it’s really not.”
I opened my mouth then shut it. I didn’t have a good retort. Maybe things could be simple. Maybe things were just complicated in my head. He made it sound so easy.
And why couldn’t it be? Why was I inventing trouble where there wasn’t any?
Because I’d guarded myself for years, putting up walls to protect myself from getting hurt. And those walls had failed me. I’d let Brett in. Had our relationship simply ended when I broke it off with him, I would be fine by now. We’d already grown apart, and I knew it was over. But the incident…that wasn’t so easy to get past. I’d trusted him completely, and he’d betrayed that.
What if I was wrong about Josh? I couldn’t trust my instincts anymore, so how could I possibly know if I could trust him? I wasn’t worried about him hurting me physically—I had no reason to believe he would ever do that. Then again, it hadn’t crossed my mind that Brett would do something so heinous either.
But there was more than one way to hurt someone, and the emotional scars were often deeper.
If I gave everything to Josh, I couldn’t handle it if he pushed me aside.
If, if, if…
They kept running through my mind.
What if I gave him up without even trying to make it work? What then?
I would regret it. That much was certain.
“Okay,” I said slowly.
“Okay?” he asked.
“I’m being stupid. And I’m not ashamed of you or anything. I’m not hiding you from my friends. I worry it’s the opposite, that you’re ashamed of me.”
“What would make you think that?” He frowned. “Did I do or say something?”
“No. I just worry.”
“Well, stop. You have nothing to worry about.”
For now, the devil on my shoulder taunted me. It’s only a matter of time before he moves on.
…
Bri
He was late. Darn it. All of my friends were already inside the Bookstore, seated at our normal table, and I was stuck standing at the door waiting for him. I supposed I could wait for him at the table, but this was his first time meeting my friends, and I thought he might be more comfortable if I went in with him. We had a large group tonight, about a dozen.
Josh came jogging around the corner, his cheeks flushed. “Sorry,” he said, skidding to a stop in front of me. “I got held up.” He gave me a peck on the lips.
I wrinkled my nose. His breath smelled like he’d already been drinking. “Doing what?”
“I was hanging out with the pledges at Thirsties.”
I nodded, but I didn’t say it was okay or anything like that. Because it wasn’t okay. Last week he’d made a big deal about not having met any of my friends, but then he didn’t even bother to show up on time. Maybe it didn’t matter to him as much as he let on.
Maybe I don’t matter to him as much as he let on.
The doubt I’d barely been keeping at bay crept in. Dammit! I always played it safe. I always played by the rules, and with the exception of Brett, it had served me well in life. Was I going to regret taking a risk on Josh?
We stepped inside, and he unzipped his coat and straightened his shirt. At least he’d worn a button down, even if it wasn’t tucked in and was paired with jeans.
As we approached the table, conversation halted and everyone turned to look at us.
Awkward. Even more so when I ran into a chair. Josh suppressed a smile and guided me the last few feet, lest any other chairs get in my way.
For goodness’ sake.
“Everyone, this is Josh. Josh this is…everyone.”
Smooth, Bri, real smooth. So much for making him feel comfortable.
Josh put up a hand in greeting, not seeming bothered by my less-than-stellar introduction. “Hi, everyone.”
At least one of us wasn’t socially inept. I ran my hands through my hair, smoothing it out. I really needed to be smoothing out my nerves. I was much more nervous having Josh meet my people than I’d been when I met his friends and his family. Of course, back then we were still just friends, so it didn’t matter as much.
The big thing, though, was that I knew my grad school friends—other than Casey, of course—would probably be a lot more judgmental than his people. But then, I’d passed judgment on Josh based on who he surrounded himself with. So what did this say about me? I hated to admit I was judging Josh, but I was. Even though I’d taken a step back from his academics, it still bothered me that he wasn’t self-motivated. Brett had always had a plan, and he’d done well for himself after graduating, landing a good job.
I still questioned whether Josh would actually graduate.
Why was I comparing the two of them? It wasn’t fair. Brett was an asshole. An abusive asshole at that, but at least he’d been driven. It was an important quality, and one that Josh didn’t have.
But he has lots of other good qualities, I told my inner bitch. Tone it down.
We sat across from Casey, and the server handed us menus. I didn’t need one, but I was happy to have a distraction. We came here most Friday nights, and I always ordered the same thing—club sandwich with sweet potato fries, extra pickle on the side.
“Real snazzy intro there, Bri,” Casey said.
“Sorry,” I muttered, hiding behind the menu. Okay, so the menu wasn’t really a distraction. It was more like a shield. “I choked.”
She held her hand out. “I’m Casey.”
“It’s very nice to meet you, Casey,” Josh said, taking her hand.
Casey leaned her crossed arms on the table in front of her and gave Josh the once-over. A very slow once-over. He just grinned, like he was used to that sort of thing. He probably was.
“So. You’re the mystery guy.”
I flipped my menu down. “Casey!” I gave her my best wide-eyed shut-up look. He already thought I was hiding him from my friends.
She shrugged. “Bri told me she was seeing someone, but she wouldn’t tell me who.”
“It was complicated.”
Casey and Josh both looked at me in a bland way that spoke volumes. I blushed and slouched in my chair, hiding behind my menu again. It was safer that way. Geez, I didn’t think they would gang up on me within minutes of meeting one another.
Okay, so maybe the complicated thing was all in my head. Or maybe everyone else was just crazy.
“So, Josh, what are you studying?” Stan asked. Stan was a bit older than the rest of us—in his late twenties—and he was married with a baby on the way. His wife was finishing up her last semester of grad school, while Stan still had another year left in the electrical engineering program. I didn’t know him that well, actually. He only occasionally made it to our weekly Friday dinners. Our group was eclectic. We’d all been in the same orientation class, and there were students from all disciplines. I’d sort of inherited these friends, which worked for me since my undergrad friends had all moved away after graduation last spring.
This was one way that Josh’s and my worlds were different. My grad school friends were undoubtedly adults, whereas Josh spent his time with freshman pledges. Josh and his friends played drinking games, and sure, we played games at Casey’s party—but they were board games with no drinking component.
“I’m still figuring it out,” Josh said. I shifted nervously in my chair.
Stan blinked, taken aback. “Oh?”
“Josh is an undergrad,” I quickly explained.
Stan laughed. “I was confused for a minute there. Well, I can tell you that if you want any kind of a life, don’t go into electrical engineering. This semester has sucked the energy out of me.”
“Noted,” Josh said. “Engineering wasn’t something I was considering anyway.”
I almost snorted. I was pretty sure engineering had come up at some point as a possible major. Then again, almost every major had come up. It was hard to remember which ones he was actually serious about.
“What are you leaning toward?”
Josh shrugged. “I really have no clue.”
The server came over then to take our orders, and I was glad for the interruption. It had taken about twelve seconds for the conversation to turn to Josh’s lack of academic direction. I had been worried about that. Grad students by nature were academically focused.
In other words, we were nerds.
We loved talking about school. In fact, that was usually what we talked about.
“So how did you meet Bri?” Stan asked.
I wanted to kick him under the table, but we weren’t that type of friends. Casey, sure, I would have kicked her. But I didn’t know Stan well enough. He was trying to be nice by including Josh in the conversation, I supposed, but it didn’t feel that way. I felt put on the spot.
Wanting More (Love on Campus #2) Page 19