“Do you want to box up the leftovers to take home with you?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“No.” Here came the blush again. Dang it!
He chuckled. “Relax. I already put everything away in your fridge.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
He took my hand and pulled me up out of my chair and against his chest. His mouth was on mine instantly, taking, giving, and everything in between.
His hands slid down my back to grip my butt and pull me closer into his body. I tangled my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
His fingers slid under my shirt to run along skin, and I arched my back, pressing against him. God, he drove me crazy in a way that no one else ever had. It would be so easy to completely let go.
But I wasn’t ready for that. It was too soon.
He turned his attention to my neck, lingering at that spot behind my ear that always gave me goosebumps as he gently suckled it. Tonight was no exception.
I ran my hands under his shirt, splaying my fingers out along his rib cage. When my thumb grazed his nipple, he giggled.
Giggled. Like a little girl.
“Sorry,” he said with a smile. “I’m ticklish there.”
I grinned, pulling his shirt up and over his head. “I’ll have to remember that.”
Chapter Nineteen
Bri
I was a coward. I put off talking to my manager on Monday because things got super busy. Almost every appointment took longer than normal. Then on Tuesday, I was swamped with my own classes. But now, I had no excuse. I’d had a few appointments this morning, but my schedule was wide open until my evening class.
So what was I doing? Sitting in my cube, playing Candy Crush. Just one more game, and then I would talk to my manager. My stomach soured at the thought of it, and I was glad I hadn’t eaten lunch yet.
I was always on the right side of things. Breaking rules was not in my repertoire. Then again, there wasn’t an actual rule on record—I’d finally checked. Probably because no one else had been stupid enough to fall for someone they were counseling.
Of course, no one else had had to counsel Josh Davidson.
That boy…he challenged me. And I loved him for it.
So after one more game of Candy Crush…crap! I was out of lives. Oh, well. Time to face the—wait! I had a new email. It would be irresponsible of me not to check it.
Interestingly enough, it was from my manager. The subject line read Guidelines for Dismissal.
My stomach plummeted into my toes. How did he find out? I swallowed and with one eye closed, clicked to open the email.
As I read through it, my stomach returned to normal and a smile stretched across my face. I quickly split the screen to show the email on one side and used the other to pull up my electronic student files.
It was as if the gods of coincidence and perfect timing were smiling down on me. Josh’s grades were high enough that I could recommend him for dismissal from the program. I wouldn’t have to tell on myself after all.
I closed Candy Crush and starting checking the boxes on the dismissal form.
…
Josh
I shoved the last of my dirty clothes in the hamper and then shoved that in the closet. Putting my hands on my hips, I surveyed the room. Not bad, but it was still in a fraternity house, so how great could it really get?
I tried to look at it through Bri’s eyes. I’d had other girls in here, but I hadn’t even thought about what they would think. It hadn’t ever mattered to me.
The furniture was all second-hand—probably fourth- or fifth-hand to be honest. I’d inherited the couch with the room, so it was anyone’s guess how long it had been here. It was a dark brown color, which was great for hiding stains. Some of the other guys inherited light colored furniture that looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. I didn’t even want to know. I’d stick with the shit-brown color. Even so, I ripped the plastic off a new bottle of Febreze and sprayed everything down.
My eyes began to water. Shit. Maybe I overdid it. I cracked the window to air things out. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as cold as it had been, so while the air coming in was chilly, it wasn’t frigid. This winter was unusually cold, even for southwestern Virginia. I was looking forward to warmer weather.
Bri knocked on my door, even though it was open. I smiled, grabbed her hand, and pulled her in. I kicked the door closed behind us.
“Why are you knocking? You can just come in.”
She peeled off her coat, and I was surprised to see she was dressed in her suit. She’d canceled our appointment, and while I enjoyed sleeping in, I did miss seeing her first thing in the morning. I hadn’t realized she was still keeping her other appointments today.
“I thought you were taking the day off.” I took her coat from her and threw it over the back of the couch, then nuzzled her neck. I trailed kisses from behind her ear down to her collarbone, pulling aside her shirt for better access.
“I don’t take days off,” she said, her voice distracted. Good to know I was getting to her.
She gently pushed me away. “I have to tell you something.”
Most of the time when girls said that, it wasn’t followed by anything a guy wanted to hear. I tensed.
“What?”
A huge smile stretched across her face, and she pulled a paper out of her purse and pushed it at me. “Here. Read this.”
I scanned the letter.
While you will remain on academic probation until the end of the semester, you are no longer required to attend academic counseling.
I grinned. “Really?”
She nodded. “So I don’t have to get your case transferred.” She dropped down onto the couch. “I’m still going to keep tabs on you, though. You’re too smart to flunk out.”
I sighed and sat next to her. “I know. School just isn’t my thing.”
“What is your thing then?”
“I don’t know.”
I grabbed my guitar and started playing a few chords. I hated these conversations with her. They always made me feel inadequate, and truth be told, I probably wasn’t good enough for her. She deserved someone who was going to graduate with honors and go to law school or some shit like that.
In a lot of ways, we were such opposites.
She liked school, was going to make her living working in higher education. I was muddling through and not even doing such a great of a job at that. I had no direction. I’d always known that, but it had never bothered me before. I figured I would sort it out sooner or later. It hadn’t happened sooner though, and now later had come knocking.
She put her arm around me and kissed my cheek. “I’m not trying to hassle you. I just want you to do the great things you’re capable of.”
“I’m not good enough for you.”
She blinked, shock on her face. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“It’s true, though. You deserve a lot better than me.”
“Josh, you’re a great guy.”
I shrugged and continued playing my guitar. Things were a helluva lot easier before Bri. Before I cared.
Easier, but not better.
She made me want to be a better man, a man who deserved her. But I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
“What song is that?” she asked.
I stopped playing abruptly. “Nothing. Just some chords.”
“I liked it. I’m no music expert, but it sounded great. Is that a song you’re working on?”
I hesitated. “Sort of. Not really.”
She laughed. “It was a yes or no question.”
“I mean, yes, but it’s not ready.”
Bri scooted closer and rested her head on my shoulder. “I’d love to hear it when it is.”
It would never be ready. The songs I composed were not for public consumption. They were too raw, too personal. I’d tried making them less so, less me, but it was impossible. That wasn’t how music worked for
me.
When I played, it was like I was somewhere else. Nothing existed for me but the music. I felt it. It ran through me. It was me.
I could only separate myself from it when I played covers. Covers were easy. Sure, they conveyed emotion, but it wasn’t my emotion.
And most people would rather hear covers—songs they already knew—instead of anything original I could come up with anyway.
I kissed the top of her head. “Sure thing, sweetheart.”
It was a lie, though. My music, just like I feared with everything else about me, would never be good enough for her.
…
Bri
This time when I came to the house for a party, I didn’t stand in line. Nope. I didn’t even go near the line. Instead I circled around to the rear of the house and came in the back door. Okay, so that sounds sketchy, but it was more like a VIP entrance. Truly.
The guys at the house were starting to recognize me, giving me the guy head nod as I walked by. I was beginning to feel like I belonged in Josh’s world. Weird. He was cool, and I was a socially awkward nerd. But somehow it worked.
And it had been for the last month. I was happier than I’d ever been.
I stopped in Josh’s room, but he wasn’t there. I stowed my coat and purse in his closet, pulling the door securely closed. Even though he felt comfortable leaving his door open, this was a fraternity house. No need to tempt anyone.
Amber stuck her head in the door. “Bri!” Her cheeks were already rosy, her eyes glassy. “We’re in Brad’s room.”
I followed her down the hall, and she took her usual space next to Brad on the couch. Cori and Luke were also there. Josh smiled from where he sat on the desk chair and patted his lap when he saw me. I lowered myself onto him, holding my breath as if that would somehow make me weigh ten pounds less. It was oh so awkward, but there wasn’t anywhere else to sit unless I wanted to get up close and personal with Amber and Brad on the couch.
“Do you want a drink?” Brad asked.
“Um…sure,” I said. Josh was holding my hand and kissing my knuckles, so I was a wee bit distracted.
The boy couldn’t keep his hands off me—not in an obscene way, though. The thought made me smile. I used to hate those couples who were into PDA, but now that I sort of was part of one, I realized it was never about being public. It was just about being thoroughly into the other person and wanting to be near them.
Or at least that was how it was for me with Josh.
“I’ll hook you up,” Brad said, going over to his makeshift bar.
“Go easy on her,” Josh warned. “Make it about half the strength of whatever you gave Amber.”
Amber whipped her head around toward Josh. “Are you calling me a lush?”
“Well, you’re dating that guy, so I don’t blame you for drinking heavily,” Josh quipped without missing a beat.
Almost immediately something pinged off his forehead and landed in my lap. I picked it up—it was the cap to a bottle of soda.
“Hey, dipshit,” Josh said. “Watch it. If you’d missed me and hit my girl, we’d be throwing down.”
“I never miss,” Brad said.
Amber clapped a hand over her mouth as her drink came spraying out in the midst of her laughter. She grabbed a napkin and wiped her face. “Sorry!”
“Babe,” Brad said, his shoulders slumping. “Not cool.”
Amber just smiled sweetly. “Love you, honey.”
“You’re not on risk tonight?” I asked Luke, accepting the drink Brad handed me.
He held his drink up in “cheers.” “Hell, no. I handed it off to some of the younger guys. It’s kind of funny watching them run around like idiots. They have no idea what they’re doing. They’ve got to learn sometime, though, right?”
Cori patted his knee and leaned closer to me. “He’s all talk,” she whispered. “He acts like he doesn’t care, but he’ll be in and out all night checking on them.”
I shrugged. “Being responsible isn’t a bad thing.”
She shook her head. “I’m not disagreeing with you. It does get old after a while, though.”
“Truer words were never spoken,” Josh said.
Cori laughed. “You have no room to talk. When have you ever been responsible?”
Josh stiffened below me. Cori wasn’t trying to be malicious, but she had hit a sore spot with Josh. On one hand, I felt bad for him. He was trying to turn himself around. On the other hand, he was reaping what he sowed.
“There are no little Josh’s running around, so we know he’s at least somewhat responsible,” Brad said, earning a punch in the shoulder from Amber. He grimaced, realizing his mistake. “Sorry, bro.”
“How many girls have you dated?” I asked. He knew about my past, obviously, because of the thing with Brett, but we’d never gotten around to talking about his history. I wouldn’t have brought it up like this, but since it had been mentioned, might as well ask.
He avoided my gaze and instead drained his beer bottle. “I think it’s about time for a bonfire.” I stood so he could get up. “Gentlemen?” The guys left, but Amber and Cori didn’t move, so I assumed we were going to wait until the fire was good and ready.
Uh-oh. I knew what his avoidance of the question meant. I’d known he had a sordid past, but I hadn’t really given it much thought. Now, though, I couldn’t help but wonder. How many other girls had waited with Cori and Amber while he built a fire? How many possible “little Josh” baby mamas were there out there?
And more importantly, did I care?
I had to admit, I kind of did.
But he was with me, now. His choice. His past was in the past, and it shouldn’t bother me, right? So why did I have a gnawing feeling in my gut?
My face must have looked concerned, because Cori patted my arm. “Don’t worry. Josh really likes you. I can tell.”
I cocked my head. “How?”
“Oh, honey.” Amber leaned forward, and her drink sloshed over the rim of her cup. “Damn it,” she said, wiping at the spot with a paper towel.
Cori looked at her friend and sighed. “Amber, you’re cut off.”
“I was just saying—” Amber cleared her throat. “Josh really likes you. Before you got here, he was like a lost puppy dog, looking for his owner.”
“So, I’m his owner?” I frowned.
“Terrible metaphor,” Cori said, “But he’s different with you. I can’t explain it. He just is.”
But was different necessarily better?
“How many girls have there been?” I asked, then immediately regretted it. I might be better off not knowing.
“You mean flavors?” Amber laughed at her own joke.
“Go outside,” Cori said to her friend. “You’re out of control.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Amber stood and wandered out into the hall.
“Hey!” Cori yelled at her, and when Amber stuck her head back in the door, Cori threw her coat at her.
“Sorry,” Cori said to me. “She’s a little too…exuberant tonight. Girl code won’t let me lie to you—Josh has dated a lot of girls. But he’s never been serious about any of them. You’ll have to ask him for more specifics, though. But just some advice? Don’t worry about the past.”
I’m sure Cori meant well, but she wasn’t dating the guy who was famous for his “flavors of the month.” It wasn’t a position I ever expected—or wanted—to find myself in.
“I’m going to run to the bathroom,” I told her. “I’ll meet you out there.”
The upstairs bathroom was cleaner than the downstairs, since only brothers and their guests were allowed upstairs, but it was still a fraternity house bathroom. I wish I had brought Lysol into the stall with me.
The toilets flushed in the stalls on either side of me, then I heard two girls washing their hands at the sinks.
“Did you find Josh?” one asked.
“Yes,” said the other in a bitter tone.
“Oh. Not good, huh?”
“
He had some girl on his lap. Derek told me he’s dating someone. That must be her.”
“Seriously? The dark-haired girl? I thought that was just a rumor. I can’t believe he’d date someone as uptight as her. Oh, well. There are lots of fish in the sea, right?”
I peeked through the crack in the stall, but I didn’t recognize these girls. They obviously knew me, though. How many other people were whispering behind not-so-closed doors about how wrong I was for Josh?
Logic told me it was the girl’s jealousy talking, but that still didn’t keep the sour feeling from settling in the pit of my stomach. I hated when people called me uptight. Begrudgingly, I’d admit that the label fit sometimes, but the fact that I was even dating Josh showed how not uptight I was.
“Yeah, but I’m way hotter than that particular fish. What does he see in her, anyway?”
The girl may have a point. She was tall, leggy, and blond, and her boobs were like globes. No doubt she was more suited to Josh. No one would give me a second glance with someone like her in the room.
What did he see in me?
“Who knows? But you know him. She won’t last long.”
Their voices trailed off as they exited the bathroom and made their way down the hall. I remained in the stall, my hand on the lock.
Those girls had voiced my fears and proven they weren’t just in my head. Was Josh going to get tired of me? Had he started to already? I knew his pattern—love ’em and leave ’em. It wasn’t exactly a secret. Was I a fool for thinking it might be different with me?
If Casey were in my shoes, I would have snorted and told her to move on. That it wasn’t going to last. That she was making a mistake. That she was going to get hurt.
I put my face in my hands and took several deep breaths.
This was why I didn’t take risks. I felt like I was seven years old again, desperate for someone to love me, trying to be as good as I could so that someone would love me enough to stay.
Only this time, I feared I’d never be good enough.
Chapter Twenty
Josh
“For fuck’s sake, Brad. What the fuck, man?”
“Look, dude, I said I was sorry.”
I got right in his face. I wanted to kick his fucking ass.
Wanting More (Love on Campus #2) Page 18