Wanting More (Love on Campus #2)

by Jessica Ruddick

  But in reality? He was just an asshole.

  “You need to leave.” I forced myself to look into his eyes, my expression hard even though my hands still shook. “I never want to see you again.”

  “Bri, you’re being ridiculous. Go tell your little friends good-bye.”

  “I’m never going anywhere with you.”

  He grabbed my arm and I jerked it away, uttering words I never thought I’d say. “Fuck you.”

  Shock registered in his eyes a split second before they darkened and he curled his lip.

  A split second after that, a fist slammed into his face.

  “Josh!”

  “She said to fuck off, asshole.” Josh’s eyes blazed with pure, raw hatred. They were unrecognizable. He was only a few inches taller than Brett, but he seemed to tower over him.

  “Who the fuck asked you?” Brett put a hand to his bloody lip. “Stay out of this, frat boy.”

  “Oh my God,” I whispered as Brett took another step toward Josh. I pulled on Josh’s arm. “Don’t do this, please.”

  Brett clenched his hand into a fist, but before he could throw a punch, Josh was on him, laying into him. The sounds of the bar behind me dimmed, and all I heard was the thwapping and crunching sounds of Josh’s fist repeatedly pounding into Brett’s face.

  “Josh!” I screamed. “Stop!”

  A huge, WWE-size bouncer appeared and separated the two of them. “Break it up,” he said gruffly, then stepped back to monitor the situation.

  “Stupid bitch.” Brett spat a mix of blood and spit and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’re not worth the trouble.” He staggered out the door.

  I turned to Josh, gaping. Luke and Brad were on either side of him, lightly holding his arms, probably to keep him from going after Brett. The bouncer just looked at him and shook his head. Josh probably knew the guy, since he seemed to know every employee at this place. He was lucky the bouncer didn’t call the cops on him.

  Josh’s breathing was heavy, not from exertion, but from the rage that still flowed through him, that still shone in his eyes. His knuckles were bloody. I didn’t know if it was Brett’s blood or if his skin was torn.

  And right now I didn’t care.

  “How could you?’ I whispered, trying to keep myself and my voice from shaking and failing miserably.

  His eyes softened as they looked at me, the rage being replaced by tenderness. But I couldn’t forget what I’d just seen—the rancor reflected in his eyes as he’d pounded Brett. I didn’t think he had that in him. When I’d screamed at him to stop, he just kept going. If that bouncer hadn’t been there, how far would he have taken it?

  I didn’t know what to think anymore. I looked at him and saw a stranger. Did I really know him?

  He took a step toward me. “Bri…”

  I held my hand up to stop him. “Don’t. Just don’t.”

  I turned and left, letting the door slam behind me.

  …

  Josh

  “Bri!” I pulled away from Josh and Brad and dashed outside after her. She was already halfway down the block, so I zigged and zagged through the people on the sidewalk. No way was I letting her out of my sight while her psycho ex-boyfriend was on the loose.

  I put my hand on her arm when I caught up to her, and she jerked it away like I’d burned her.

  “Whoa.” I put my hands up, palms out. “Can you talk to me, please?”

  She stopped and leaned against a building, but kept her tear-stained face turned away from me. I wanted to beat that motherfucker all over again for making her cry.

  “It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

  She turned to look at me and used her fingertips to wipe below her eyes. “Am I really?”

  I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You’re hardly any better than him.”

  I took a step back. “What?”

  “Nothing. You know what? This is my fault. I misjudged you, that’s all.”

  “You’re not making any sense.” I wanted to wrap my arms around her and dry her tears, but something told me physical contact wouldn’t be welcome.

  “You’re not who I thought you were.”

  “I haven’t changed, Bri,” I said slowly, trying to figure out what was going on in her mind. “I’m still the same guy you fell for.”

  “That’s exactly my point.” She sighed. “We’re barely right for each other as it is, and now that I know you’ve got a dark side, that you’ve got violence in you…” She shuddered.

  She might as well have slapped me in the face. Everything clicked. She’s scared of me. She was putting me in the same category as her asshole ex-boyfriend.

  If he were still here, I would punch his fucking teeth out.

  And that kind of reaction was what had spooked her in the first place. Didn’t she understand I was only trying to protect her? I typically wasn’t a violent guy, but when he put his hands on her…I couldn’t stop myself.

  And I didn’t regret it, either. I wish I’d done more damage.

  I took a deep breath and held my hand out. “Let me take you home, and we can talk about this.”

  She shook her head.

  “You left your purse back at Thirsties.” I kept my voice calm and tried to rationalize with her. “Let’s go back and get it, and I’ll take you home where we can talk privately.” I looked meaningfully at the passersby, who were gawking.

  “I’m done, Josh. I’m done. I need a break. I dated Brett for two years and still misjudged him. I’m not taking another chance. There’s just too many unknowns with you.” Her eyes were wide, and her lower lip quivered.

  I wanted to punch myself for putting that look on her face.

  “Unknowns? What are you talking about?”

  “You can’t even decide on a major, Josh! How can I trust that you’ve decided on me?”

  “You’re comparing my lack of a major to my ability to stay faithful to you?”

  “That’s not at all what I’m saying, Josh.” She ran a hand over her face. “You’re not driven. You have no direction.”

  “I didn’t realize that bothered you so much.” It was another slap in the face, and this one hurt worse than the first. I didn’t like being a screw-up, but I didn’t have the answers yet. I was still figuring things out. I thought she understood that.

  “It does. I’m a bitch for saying so, but it does. And now this…we don’t fit. We’re just too different.”

  “Bri…” I reached for her hand, but she yanked it out of reach. It was on the tip of my tongue to say those three little words that I hoped might change everything—I love you.

  God, I loved this girl, and she was ripping my heart out right here on the street.

  “Bri!” Amber ran over with Bri’s purse and jacket. She glanced at me, then Bri. “Um…here.” She shoved Bri’s things at her, then backed away. Over my shoulder, I saw Luke, Brad, and Cori waiting about a half a block away.

  Fuck. Just my fucking luck.

  “Please just…don’t make any decisions right now,” I pleaded. “It’s been a terrible night. I just want you to get home safely.”

  She wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up straight, squaring her shoulders. “Josh, I’m done. I’m sorry for everything.”

  “Just let me take you home.”

  She shook her head and pointed at the bus coming down the street. “I’m all set.”

  I watched helplessly as she fished her student ID out of her purse and boarded the bus.

  “Fuck.”

  “Dude, you want to go home?” Brad asked.

  I whirled around to find my four friends staring at me with sympathetic looks. I ran my hands through my hair, then crouched and put my head in my hands.

  She left me without even looking back, like I was nothing to her. She just fucking up and left.

  And I loved her.

  “Josh, man, are you okay?” Brad stood there with his hands on his hips.

  I stoo
d and pulled my keys out of my pocket. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” I gave a little laugh, but I wasn’t fooling anyone, not even myself.

  “I gotta get outta here. I’m gonna go for a drive.”

  I took off in a jog in the direction of my car.

  I needed to be alone, and that would never happen at the house, where people were always coming and going and privacy was just a theoretical notion. So I hit the interstate, no plan for where I was going. I just drove, the music blaring. Maybe it could drown out my thoughts.

  The longer I drove—and the farther away from Bri I got—the more I started to realize that Bri was right. It was never going to work anyway. She’d obviously already realized that, which was why she planned her study abroad without even telling me. Because what did it matter? We weren’t going to last anyway. I’d met her on academic probation, for Christ’s sake. She had her life all put together, and I was nothing but a slacker with no direction. What did I have to offer?

  My love? So what if I loved her? It wasn’t enough.

  I was never gonna be good enough for her.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Bri

  I hadn’t even looked to see which bus it was that I got on. It was taking me away from downtown, which was where I needed to go.

  Away.

  The bus didn’t go by my apartment, but it did go by Casey’s, which was even better. Once I figured out that’s where I was heading, I called her to make sure she would be home. It was a Saturday night, after all. When I confirmed she was there, I breathed a sigh of relief. At least something was working in my favor.

  It was actually for the best that I wasn’t going to my apartment. Brett was in town, and I wouldn’t put it past him to go there looking for me. And Josh—

  Well, I didn’t know what to think about Josh anymore.

  Casey opened her front door and hugged me, bringing me inside. “What’s wrong, baby girl?”

  We sat on the couch, and I summed up everything that had happened in the last hour, trying my best to hold back tears and failing.

  I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue and blew my nose. Then I looked upward and fanned my face to keep the tears at bay. I could cry later. Now was not the time. Tears came from my heart, not my head. And it was my heart that got me into this situation, so I needed to start using my head.

  My feelings were clear. I’d fallen for Josh, and somewhere along the line I’d fallen in love with him.

  I loved him, but I didn’t know if it would be enough.

  “I just can’t believe Brett and Josh are the same.”

  She squinted, and cocked her head at me. “How do you mean?”

  “Weren’t you listening? Josh punched Brett. He just kept hitting him. He wouldn’t stop.”

  “Did he hit you?”

  “No, of course not.” My reaction was knee-jerk, my tone expressing the ludicrousness of the question. Josh would never hit me.

  But I couldn’t fully trust that after what I’d seen. I would never forget the look in his eyes as his fist busted Brett’s lip open.

  Casey pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her cheek there. “So, tell me again how they’re the same.”

  “The violence, Casey!” I was getting exasperated. Why was this so hard for her to understand? “If you had asked me this afternoon if I thought Josh would ever hit someone, I would have said no. But now? I know that he would.”

  “Brett deserved it.”

  My jaw dropped. “Violence is never acceptable, Case. Come on.”

  She shrugged. “Brett is an asshole, and he got what was coming to him. You know I never liked him, right?”

  I sighed. “Yes, I know. You didn’t exactly hide it very well.”

  “I make no apologies for that. He was a creep. You probably should have kicked him when Josh had him on the ground. I would have.”

  “Casey!”

  She laughed, but then she displayed a more appropriately somber expression. “I’m sorry, Bri. I just think you’re comparing apples and oranges here.”

  “If that’s the metaphor we’re going with, then they’re both fruit. I’m serious about this. I loved both of them, or at least I thought I did.”

  I realized now that the love I felt for Brett was an immature kind of love, the kind that went along with my first real relationship. I had been infatuated with him at first, and in awe that he’d want to date me. Then the longer we were together, the more routine it became. It was what I knew.

  Nothing with Josh was ever routine. He pushed me, challenged me, made me feel things I’d never felt before.

  And I wasn’t convinced that was a good thing anymore.

  I looked away to hide my quivering lip. “I just can’t trust my own judgment when it comes to guys.”

  Casey put her hand on my arm. “Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be unsupportive.”

  “I just can’t risk it, Case, I can’t. I was wrong about Brett for two whole years. I can’t knowingly put myself in a situation with someone who uses his fists to solve conflict. And besides, I’ll be studying abroad in the fall, so it likely would have ended anyway.”

  “What?” Casey squealed in the tone usually reserved for her sorority sisters. “You’re studying abroad?”

  I grinned, my first real smile in hours. “I got accepted into the program.”

  “I didn’t even know you were applying.”

  I avoided her gaze. “I didn’t tell anyone.”

  “What the heck, woman? You never tell me anything until way after the fact! Does Josh know?”

  “I just told him earlier tonight at dinner.” I winced. “I kind of announced it in front of all his friends.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Um…he bought everyone a round of shots to celebrate.”

  “So why do you think you’d have to break up? It sounds like he was happy for you.”

  “Josh isn’t the type of guy to wait around for a girl.” I filled her in on the flavor of the month jokes and what I’d overheard those girls say in the bathroom.

  “Again with the not telling me stuff! Ugh! Why are we even friends?” Casey playfully swatted my arm. “But ouch—I don’t know what to say about that. I mean, he seems like a good guy, though.”

  “Yeah, seems. I just don’t know. And then there’s his academic situation. I feel like a jerk for bringing it up, but I can’t help it. It bothers me. He has no direction.”

  “Did that bother you before?”

  I thought about it. “Well, yeah. I mean sort of.”

  It had bothered me as his academic counselor because it was my job to help him along in his college career. Once he was dismissed from the program, it was no longer on the forefront of my mind. When I thought about it, it bothered me. But I just hadn’t thought about it that often.

  Maybe because it isn’t that important, my heart chimed in.

  Just because Brett turned out to be a jerk doesn’t mean it’s not important to have goals, my head disputed.

  “It seems like you’re trying to come up with reasons for why he’s bad for you,” Casey said.

  I chewed on my cuticle. “Yeah, maybe. But if I’m doing that, then isn’t that a sign that he’s no good for me? Why would I be making excuses otherwise?”

  Casey put her hands up. “Beats me. I hated psychology.”

  “Ugh!” I wrapped my arms around a pillow and leaned my face on it. “I hate this.”

  “Honey, if you hate this, then just call him.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.” My phone felt like a weight in my pocket. How easy would it be to take it out and call? Too easy.

  “I can’t,” I said, with more conviction this time. “My judgment is totally skewed. I can’t trust myself. What I saw tonight is a deal breaker for me. It was a sign that I’m not supposed to be with him.”

  “You know, you’re being awfully calm about all of this.”

  That observation brought tears to my eyes.

  “Aww, I didn’t say
that to make you cry,” Casey said, handing me another tissue.

  “I have to be rational. My emotions are what got me in this mess in the first place. Nothing about me and Josh made sense, but I went with it because my heart was telling me to. So I can’t feel right now. I have to think.”

  Casey looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I think you should sleep on it.”

  The mention of sleep made me yawn. “Speaking of that—”

  “You can crash here,” Casey said, anticipating my request. She rose and went to the closet to pull out some spare blankets. “But before you turn in, just remember that love isn’t an equation. It’s not always going to balance perfectly. It’s not always rational.”

  She had a smug little smile on her face.

  “You’re proud of that metaphor, aren’t you?”

  “Damn skippy. It was a good one, wasn’t it?”

  I took the blankets she handed me and shook my head, chuckling. “Sure, Case.”

  She said good night and went to her bedroom, closing the door behind her. As I lay there trying to fall asleep, my brain finally quit on me, letting the emotions flood in like a tidal wave.

  I curled up in a ball and cried over what could have been.

  …

  Josh

  I was three hours into the drive when my gas light came on, and I was nowhere close to feeling okay about everything that had happened.

  Part of me was pissed. Why did I let myself get involved like that? I thought I was finally maturing a bit, but that was just stupidity. If this was what happened when I tried to act like an adult in my dating life, then I was better off playing the field. Maybe some people just weren’t meant to settle down. I didn’t know if anything was worth this shitty feeling inside.

  I pulled off at an exit and stopped at a station to gas up. Too late, unfortunately, I realized it was the same exit where I stopped when I made this trip with Bri several months earlier.

  I flipped open my gas cap and shoved the nozzle in, then leaned against the car to wait. That trip was when I had fallen in love with her, when I saw her with my family, which was totally weird considering how I felt about my family. Back then, I was fully ready to admit that I cared for Bri, even that I’d fallen for her, but love?