So I went with vague.
“Okay,” I said. They both nodded at me, with knowing, sad looks on their faces. They know.
“Amber, have you met…” I trailed off as I looked for Casey. All of this had been her idea, and she was nowhere to be found. The little traitor had deserted me.
Being here with Cori and Amber was too much. My head had kept my heart in check these last two weeks, but seeing all these reminders had made my heart more powerful, and it was pulverizing my head.
I had to get out of here. I couldn’t afford to let my heart win the war with my head.
Josh and I were over. I’d ended it, and even if I wanted to, there was no going back now. I’d made a rational decision, and my heart just needed to learn to deal with it.
Love isn’t always rational.
It was so loud in here I couldn’t think straight. Screw it. I’d just wait at the bus stop, especially since Casey was nowhere in sight.
“I actually need to go,” I said, but was drowned out by people hooting and hollering as the lights dimmed and a spotlight illuminated the stage, which was right in front of us. People crowded in, blocking my chance at escape.
Thirsties was my personal prison. This was twice now that I’d gotten trapped here.
At least this time I had a seat. I plopped my butt back on the stool, resigned to being stuck here until the crowd cleared out a little. No way was I making it through all those people. I’d learned my lesson the first time, thanks to Boob Girl and Armpit Guy.
A bouncer set a stool on the stage, and I felt someone squeeze in behind me.
“What’d I miss?” Casey asked breathlessly, and the question seemed to be directed at Cori and Amber. She pressed a glass of water into my hand.
“Nothing,” they answered simultaneously. Cori reached over and squeezed my leg.
What the heck was going on?
I turned to look back at the stage, and Casey caught my water just as it slipped out of my hand.
Josh was taking the stage.
…
Josh
My guitar felt like a block of lead, and my fingers felt like huge, clumsy sticks of ice. I swallowed and moved to the center of the stage to sit on the stool.
I’d never been nervous about performing, but I’d never played any of my own music for anyone before, much less a crowd of several hundred people.
Including the girl I was in love with.
I’d never been in love before, either, so I guess there’s a first time for everything.
My palms were slick, so I wiped them on my jeans as I leaned toward the microphone.
“This is for Brianna.”
I hadn’t made eye contact with her yet, afraid of what I would see. But now, I sought her out, finding her sitting right in front next to Cori, Amber, and Casey.
Those girls had really come through for me. They had sighed and oohed and aahed when I’d told them my plan, and all agreed that it would work. But now that I was in the hot seat, I wasn’t so sure.
Bri’s eyes were wide, and her hand was at her throat like she was in shock. It was definitely an I can’t believe this is happening expression, but I couldn’t tell if it was a positive or negative happening.
There was no going back now, though. The crowd quieted in anticipation.
Seeing her again after two weeks was food for my soul. God, I’d missed that girl. I’d missed everything about her—her no-nonsense, smart-ass comments delivered in that prim tone, the way she’d rest her head on my shoulder, her laugh.
Kissing her. Touching her. Loving her. I’d missed those most of all.
I played the opening chords to the melody that had been running through my head for months, finally having discovered the motivation to finish it. Once I’d found the right lyrics, it had all come together.
“Life was easy come, easy go
Never knowing I was going nowhere
And getting there fast
I was crashing and burning
Never knowing I was going astray
Lost with no direction
Until you
You make me want to be
A better man.”
As I sang, I kept my eyes on the floor, a first for me. My friends hadn’t been kidding when they’d said I liked to be the center of attention. What was the point of performing if you weren’t going to put on a show?
This was more than just a show, though. It was me opening a wound and putting my heart on display. My soul—in the form of a song—was laid bare.
As I started into the second verse, there were some hoots and hollers in the audience, mainly of the female variety. Fuck. That was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to leave behind.
Was this a bad idea? Even though it had taken two weeks to plan, was this another case of me being too impulsive? Of not thinking things through?
Shit. Maybe I should have just written her a nice email. Sent some flowers or something.
No. None of those were me. This was me. Even if Bri still wanted nothing to do with me, she deserved to know the truth about how I felt, and I knew no better way to tell her.
I wrapped up the third verse and prepared myself for the end. I braced myself for what I might see in her eyes and slowly raised my gaze to her face.
“For better or worse
You’ve made me
A better man.”
Tears streamed down her face, and she didn’t bother hiding them. Her expression was unreadable. Her eyes met mine for a brief moment, and her chin quivered. Then she put her face in her hands. Was she crying?
My stomach sank, and I backed away from the microphone, exiting the stage from the back and slipping through the crowd.
I’d tried. That was all I could do.
…
Bri
I cradled my face in my hands, trying to breathe. The emotions washing over me were too much. Guilt, longing, shame, regret, love.
I’d thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to me because…what? An undecided major? Josh challenged me, pushed me past my safe barriers, and made me feel things I’d never felt before.
He accepted me for who I was, but I hadn’t done the same for him. I’d judged him unfairly. So what if he didn’t have his life mapped out?
I loved him. I took a shaky breath, and I finally realized what I’d been too dumb to see. That it was enough. Love was enough.
I lifted my face out of my hands, but Josh was gone. Frantically, I looked around. Where did he go?
Casey, Cori, and Amber looked at me expectantly, but I didn’t have time for them. I had to find Josh. Now. Before I lost him for good.
I tried to make my way through the throng of people, but as usual, I got caught up and only made it a few feet. I stood on my toes, trying to see a way through the masses.
“Screw this.”
Before I lost my nerve, I shoved a few people aside and jumped up on the stage. I spun around, trying to figure out which way he went. He had no trouble getting through crowds, so he could have gone anywhere.
Except for his guitar. That thing was his baby, and no way would he risk damaging it. He had to have gone off the back of the stage.
I hurried in that direction and found nothing except a side exit into the alley beside the bar. With a hope and a prayer that I didn’t set off an alarm, I burst through the door. My eyes took a moment to get used to the darkness, with the flickering lights on the side of the building barely giving off any illumination.
There, at the end of the alley, I spotted a figure with a guitar case slung over his back.
Josh.
I broke into a run, my ballet flats slapping on the pavement. Right when I approached, he turned.
I flung myself at him, knocking him back a few feet. I inhaled deeply, taking in the scent that I’d missed, that I now knew I’d be lost without. I couldn’t think anymore, I could only feel. My heart felt like it would shrivel if it didn’t win this battle, so I made the conscious decision to le
t it triumph.
Pulling back from me, he took my face in his hands, his eyes searching mine. He lowered his mouth, not in the crushing kiss I expected, but in a gentle one that allowed me to memorize the curves of his lips.
I needed more. He’d been gone from me for too long, and the knowledge of how close I’d been to losing him sparked urgency.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, parting his lips with my tongue and nibbling on his lower lip.
He groaned, and I heard a thud as his guitar landed on the ground. His hands ran up my back, then down again to cover my butt.
He pulled away but still kept his arms around me. “Bri. God, I missed you.”
I smoothed his hair away from his face. “I know.”
He rested his forehead on mine. “I would never hurt you. I need you to know that.”
“I know.”
“I want everything for you, Bri. I wasn’t lying up there with my song. I love you. You’re it for me, and I want to make myself worthy of you.”
“You already are. You always were,” I said slowly, letting the truth of my statement sink in. I loved who he was, and it didn’t matter if he didn’t have every part of his life planned out. I did enough planning for both of us. “I was so stupid not to see it.”
He chuckled and nibbled at my lower lip. “What did I tell you about calling yourself stupid?”
“But I am.” I took a deep breath. “I’m crazy stupid in love with you.”
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine. “Say it again.”
“I’m in love with you. But, Josh, I’m going away.” I took a deep breath, preparing myself to confess something that might be a deal breaker for him. Would he wait for me? Or would the ever-present flavors be too much of a temptation? “I took the place in the study abroad program.”
“So?”
I frowned. “What do you mean, so? I’ll be on a whole other continent.”
He shrugged. “We’ll make it work. I’ll visit. You’ll visit. I’m not letting you go again.”
“Are you sure? It’ll be months, a whole semester.” He’d said exactly what I needed to hear, but I needed to hear it again.
He brushed my hair back from my face and tucked it behind me ear, then kissed me gently. “Sweetheart, what’s a couple of months compared to the rest of lives?”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Josh
Four Months Later
“You could’ve just dropped me off on the curb,” Bri said, checking her purse for her passport for the millionth time as we walked across the airport parking lot. “It’s not like you can come to the gate with me.”
“I’m not losing a minute of my time with you, even if it means standing in line to get you checked in at the airport,” I said. “Besides, who’s going to lift this thing onto the scale?” I gestured to the suitcase I was pulling along, which was bright yellow and packed to capacity. I’d weighed it for her before we left, and it came in at exactly fifty pounds.
“There.” She pointed to the check-in counter with only two people in line. Just my luck to have practically a non-existent line the one time I wouldn’t have minded waiting for an hour or two.
That would be selfish, though. She would freak out, scared she’d miss her flight. She’d never flown before, and she picked a heck of a flight to break into air travel with—an eight-hour cross-Atlantic trip.
She quickly got checked in and received her boarding pass, which she folded and unfolded in her hands.
I smiled and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her forehead. “Relax. This is going to be great. You’re going to have a fantastic time.”
She nodded and blew out a breath, putting on a brave face.
We’d both taken classes this summer, and especially as the summer days waned, we’d spent almost every minute together in anticipation of this separation. I’d practically moved into her apartment, an upgrade from the Beta house, staying over nearly every night.
With the classes I’d just completed and the full course load I had planned for this year, I should graduate this spring, the same time Bri would finish her master’s. I’d declared Interdisciplinary Studies as my major, which was basically several minors put together. Some considered it a slacker major, but I didn’t care. I still had no clue what I wanted to do for a career, so what did it matter what I majored in as long as I had a degree? Plus, I’d heard most people don’t actually end up working in the field of their degree, anyway.
So maybe I’d teach guitar lessons for a while, or take classes to be a vet tech or something like that. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I had faith that I’d figure it out.
Bri had faith in me, too, which helped. Besides, it might work in our favor that I lacked some direction. I could figure my life out wherever Bri got a position. Our careers wouldn’t be in competition with one another, and she would be free to take whatever job she wanted. I’d follow her.
We approached the security checkpoint and stepped to the side to say our good-byes. Bri’s lower lip quivered as she took several deep breaths.
“Cut it out,” I said, running my thumb over the offending lip. “This is a happy thing you’re doing.”
She looked down and nodded, but I could tell she was nervous as hell. I was proud of my girl. She wasn’t a risk taker, and this was a huge risk she was taking—going across the Atlantic all by herself.
“Don’t forget to take your laptop out of your bag at security,” I said. “It has to go in its own bin.”
“Okay,” she said.
“And your pockets are empty, right?”
She nodded. If I kept her mind on the practical things, then hopefully she’d focus on that rather than her nerves. And I definitely didn’t want her to get caught up in security. That would totally suck.
She exhaled. “I should go.”
“Yeah. Call me as soon as you get there.” I spun her around so I’d have access to her backpack. “I’m putting a little surprise for you in here. Don’t open it until you’re on the plane.”
“What is it?”
I laughed. “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.” I pulled her into a tight hug, inhaling the scent of her hair. Strawberry. She’d taken to using a strawberry scented shampoo over the summer. Damn, I might just have to get myself a bottle to smell while she was gone. I wouldn’t be able to let the guys see, though. They’d never stop giving me shit over that. Just like they were still giving me shit about my performance at Thirsties.
It had been the one and only, and it was totally worth it.
I kissed her one last time and reluctantly released her so she could get in line for security, then I settled in to watch until she made it through.
This semester was going to be tough without her. But I only had to make it until the beginning of October. I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket, which matched the one I’d put in her backpack. It was my itinerary for a trip to London. I’d already checked with all of my professors to make sure I could make up any work I’d miss the week I’d be gone. She’d visit over Thanksgiving and then would come home for good right before Christmas.
After almost an hour, Bri made it through security without any problems. I could barely see her through the crowd of people as she waved, excitement finally showing on her face. She blew me one last kiss and disappeared around the corner.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked out of the airport without her, but this wasn’t the end. It was barely the beginning of our story.
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Acknowledgments
Thanks to my agent extraordinaire, Sarah Younger, for too many reasons to list here, but especially for the
creative gif usage in your emails. Those are the best.
Thanks to my editor, Alycia Tornetta, for loving this story and these characters as much as I do.
Thanks to the wonderfully supportive NAC: Amanda, Ara, Bindu, Kate, Diana, Jamie, Laura, Marie, Marnee, Meredith, Missy, and Sophia. I only hope that one day we’ll all be able to be in the same place at the same time.
Thanks to my Moxie girls for Pollyanna services rendered.
To my boys: you amaze me every day, and I’m beyond blessed to be your mom.
Thanks to my husband, Chris, for supporting my pursuit of my dream. You know I couldn’t do it without you.
About the Author
Jessica Ruddick lives in Virginia and is married to her college sweetheart—their first date was a fraternity toga party (and nothing inspires love like a toga, right?). When she doesn’t have her nose in a book or her hands on a keyboard, she can be found wrangling her two rambunctious sons, taming two rowdy but lovable rescue dogs, and battling the herd of dust bunnies that has taken up residence in her home. To learn more about Jessica, please visit her website at www.jessicaruddick.com.
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