Cuddling

by Allan, S. H.

  S. H. loves to hear from readers. She can be reached at shallanmm@yahoo.com or https://www.facebook.com/shallanmm.

  The Making of a Family

  Caitlin Ricci

  TIRED, hungry, and sore from the long plane ride, Arden barely made it up to the front step of his town house without stumbling on the way up. The only thing that kept him going was knowing that his boyfriend, Serio, was waiting for him. He’d have dinner ready, and they could spend the evening on the couch watching old movies like they always did when he came home from a business trip.

  He put his key in the lock, but before he could turn it, the front door opened wide, and Serio stood before him.

  “Hey,” Arden greeted him, smiling as he dropped his suitcase on the front porch and reached for the tall Latin man. But his smile quickly died on his lips as Serio stepped away from him.

  “Arden… I….”

  His gaze dropped to the duffel bag at Serio’s feet. “What were you—”

  “You weren’t supposed to be home yet.” Serio shifted away and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans as Arden continued to stare at him.

  “I took an earlier flight to get home sooner,” he explained. “Were you….” He swallowed thickly, his throat refusing to make the sounds. “Were you leaving?” The thought of the thing he’d said was nearly impossible to bear. If Serio had any family, he’d have thought he was going to visit them. Maybe someone was sick. But that wasn’t the case.

  Serio refused to look at him. “I left you a note.”

  “Mi cara…,” Arden whispered, the endearment easily leaving his chapped lips. “Don’t go. Please. We’ll talk. Work this out. Don’t leave me.”

  Serio’s face pinched as he shook his head. “It’s too late.”

  Arden didn’t believe that for a moment. “Never. I’m here now. Let me know what I did wrong. I’ll fix it. Right now. Whatever it is.”

  “There’s no fixing it. Not this time.” His mouth set into a firm line, Serio bent down to pick up his duffel bag, but Arden’s hand on his arm stopped him.

  “There’s always time,” he quietly insisted. His lover had tears in his eyes, making the warm chocolate-brown of his irises look like they were about to run. “Oh, mi bella, don’t cry. We’ll get this sorted.” He stepped forward, taking Serio’s face in his hands and laying a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Talk to me. Give me a chance to make it right.”

  Shaking his head, Serio backed away. Arden followed him, though, staying close to his partner of the past five years. Anything was fixable; they’d promised each other that. No matter what, they could fix this. They had to. He closed the front door behind him. “Serio? Tell me what’s going on,” Arden softly demanded, putting his hands on Serio’s muscular upper arms.

  “You weren’t supposed to be home yet,” Serio whispered, his voice breaking through his tears. “This was supposed to be easy.”

  Arden shook his head. “What? Leaving me?” When Serio didn’t correct him, Arden’s mouth fell open. “With only a note to explain everything?”

  Flushing, Serio turned away from him. “It was a good note.”

  “It was still a fucking note!” Arden loudly snapped at him. Serio flinched, and Arden sighed. “All right. I’m sorry. Look, I’m tired. I’ve been traveling most of the day. Let’s talk about this. “

  “But see, that’s the problem,” Serio said, stepping around him. Though he was damn tired, Arden moved to quickly block his path. “Move out of the way. Please.”

  Arden shook his head. “No.” He tried to wrap his arms around Serio’s stomach, but his lover stepped out of his way. “What’s the problem?”

  Serio pursed his lips. “You can’t keep me here. I want to leave. Get out of the way, Arden.”

  He tried to catch him again, and thankfully this time Serio didn’t get away. Though he didn’t let go of the duffel bag in his hands, he let Arden hug him. “Talk to me,” he pleaded, his face pressed against the hard planes of Serio’s broad chest. He breathed deeply, letting his lover’s familiar scent fill his nose, and smiled. “You used the new soap I got you before I left. The goat’s milk stuff.”

  The duffel bag fell to the floor, and Serio’s arms came around him. “I did. And I liked it a lot. It made my skin really soft.”

  Arden nodded, glad he’d been able to get him something that helped his perpetual dry skin. “If you drank more water…,” he lightly teased him.

  Serio snorted and kissed the top of Arden’s much shorter head. “You still have to let me go, babe.” He tried getting out of Arden’s hold, but Arden refused to let him.

  “No,” Arden stubbornly refused.

  “The taxi is probably already waiting out there. I can’t just leave him there,” Serio argued.

  Arden shook his head. “Yes, you can. Let him go. Talk to me. No notes, no trying to leave right now. Just talk to me.” He took a breath. “Please. I love you.”

  Serio sighed deeply against his cheek. “I love you too. But it’s not enough anymore. We can talk, though. So many years….” He stepped back, and this time Arden let him. Serio shook his head. “A note doesn’t seem adequate anymore. Not now that you’re home.”

  “Damn straight,” Arden agreed. He took Serio’s hand and let him lead him to the living room. He took the other end of their big cream sofa as Serio sat down. “This is all coming out of nowhere. I had no idea that you were thinking about going,” he softly said, reaching for Serio’s hand.

  Serio took his fingers in a loose grip between them. “No. Maybe not. But we’ve been having trouble for months.”

  Arden nodded. “Ever since I took this job. But we’ve talked about the time away, the long business trips. I thought we were okay. Not great. But okay. So what changed about today?” With a sigh, Serio pulled his hand back even as Arden tried to cling to it. “No, please don’t pull away. We’re talking now. I can make this up to you. I’ll be better. Do more. Whatever you need. Just stay here with me. Right here in this moment.” Arden knew he was pleading, practically begging, and also knew he’d do a whole lot more than this to keep Serio in his life. They weren’t perfect. Not by a long shot. But no couple was, and they’d been through a lot together in the past few years. Moves, losing friends, family rejection—everything had taken its toll. But they’d gotten through it. “We can get through this too,” Arden said, giving voice to his desperate thoughts.

  Serio roughly wiped at his tanned cheeks. His eyes were already puffy, as if this hadn’t been his first time crying tonight. Arden moved closer, hating to see his lover upset by anything, but especially because he’d somehow caused the hurt he could see glistening back at him through Serio’s brown eyes.

  “You don’t even know what’s wrong,” he whispered.

  Arden shook his head. “No, I don’t. But I would if you told me.”

  “I shouldn’t have to tell you, though,” Serio grumbled.

  “Now, that’s not fair,” Arden said, sighing. Sure, it would be great if he could figure out what had made Serio upset enough to leave a note and want to walk out on their life together. It would make things easier at the very least. But nothing was coming to mind. Of course, maybe if he’d actually had a good night’s sleep in the past few months, his brain would work better. As it was, he was barely able to concentrate on their conversation.

  Serio got up, but he didn’t go far. Instead he went to their dark oak mantel and stared down at the pictures there. They were sort of photo junkies, taking pictures of everything and keeping it all right there on display. Arden didn’t know what frame Serio was holding, but by the way he smiled, he was sure it was a good memory. They all were.

  “Tell me. Please,” Arden begged. “I’m not perfect—”

  “No one asked you to be.” Serio put the picture back.

  “But I’m trying,” Arden continued. “For you.”

  Serio joined him on the couch again, though this time he sat much closer, and Arden wrapped his arm around Serio’s shoulders
as he turned to rest his head against Arden’s chest. His arm came around Arden’s stomach, and he pulled Serio close. He kissed Serio’s forehead and laid his cheek against his lover’s spiky black hair.

  “I didn’t forget our anniversary or your birthday,” Arden said aloud. But there wasn’t too much else that would have upset Serio so much.

  Serio shook his head and sniffled. Arden squeezed him tighter, hating to see his partner so upset. “She’d have been two today.”

  And there it was, the reason Serio was so upset. Arden felt like an ass for forgetting their would-be daughter’s birthday. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t thought about it.”

  “You don’t think about her?” Serio sounded surprised.

  Arden shook his head and frowned, feeling not only like an idiot for not remembering, but also like an ass for not thinking about the little girl who was almost theirs. “No. You do?”

  Serio nodded. “All the time.” His shoulders shook, and Arden held him tighter. “Think she’s okay?”

  “Of course she is.” Arden was adamant about that. Just as he’d always been so. “If there’s a heaven, she’s there.”

  “Thank you,” Serio whispered. “Why don’t you still think about her?”

  Shrugging, Arden looked out the large bay window to his left. It was fully dark now, and the old iron streetlights were coming on. “She’s gone. Has been for years. Thinking about her won’t bring her back.”

  “But it doesn’t erase what she was,” Serio replied, his voice muffled by his tears and Arden’s jacket.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Arden agreed. “And I’m so sorry I forgot. We can go to her grave tonight if you want. Or tomorrow morning. There’s the little flower shop on the way. We could pick up some white roses. Or yellow ones.” He took a breath. “And I’m so sorry for not calling you. For not remembering her birthday. It’s not because I don’t remember her. Or what she meant to us.”

  Serio wiped his eyes on Arden’s shirt and slowly sat up, though he didn’t move away any more than that, for which Arden was grateful. He’d really screwed up this time and needed the reassurance that Serio was going to stay nearby. Even if it was just while they talked.

  “She was so small,” Serio whispered. He spread his hands apart a few inches. Then, after appearing to reconsider his measurements, he opened his hands a bit wider.

  Arden nodded. “Yeah, she was.” He went quiet, remembered pain drawing him back to the memories he so rarely visited. The smell of the hospital room came back to him first, a young woman’s hand in his, her shaky words as she apologized for something none of them could have prevented. A simple car accident, a driver skidding on ice and running into her as she waited to cross the street, had taken away their dreams of being a complete family.

  He reached for Serio’s hand and gave his fingers a light squeeze. “Do you want to call Jenny? I’m sure she’s probably hurting too.”

  Serio’s fingers went still in his. “Damn,” he whispered. “I didn’t even think to call her. Last year she called us; we had lunch and cried. Today all I could think was how you weren’t here when I needed you.”

  “That’s going to change. Starting today,” Arden promised him.

  Serio’s brown gaze lifted to his own. “How?” he asked, sounding cautiously hopeful.

  The answer was simple, though it would probably involve a lot more than he was considering with his sleep-addled brain. “I’ll quit.”

  “You can’t,” Serio protested, his mouth falling open.

  Arden frowned at him as his partner pulled away. “Why not? Won’t that fix everything?”

  He shook his head. “You love your job. You’re good at it. You’ve even won awards. People like what you write.”

  Snorting, Arden shook his head. “It’s a travel magazine, not some groundbreaking news. They won’t miss me. Besides, we’d talked about me quitting or working from home writing articles back when Jenny got pregnant. It’s not an impossible goal to have us both here.”

  Serio slowly nodded. “Yeah, we did. But that was when we were planning on having a baby. Now….”

  Arden leaned forward and quieted his concerns with a gentle kiss. “You were going to leave me tonight, and I didn’t remember something pretty damn important to us both. If that’s not a wake-up call to bring me back to the reality of what’s actually important in my life, then I’m not really sure what is.”

  Still, Serio looked uncertain. “I don’t want you to quit just for me. That’s not fair to you.”

  “It’s not just for you, darling. I’m going to quit for both of us. Because you’re right. I’ve been away a lot since I started this job, and it’s not fair to you or us. I’ll call my boss in the morning, and I think we should call Jenny tonight. Just to check up on her. I’m sure she’s probably pretty lonely right now.” Arden’s decision was made, and with it he felt stronger, like he’d taken the first giant step to putting their relationship first again. Right where it belonged. They’d had some rough times since the accident, and though he’d always believed they’d get through it in the end, that their relationship was strong enough to fight through anything, tonight had been the reality check he’d needed.

  He silently rose from the couch and held his hand out for Serio to take. “Let’s go to upstairs.” It was Serio’s choice whether or not to join him, to want to be with him again so soon after packing up his things and wanting to leave, though Arden seriously hoped they could put that behind him tonight.

  Serio took his hand, and Arden helped him to his feet. He wrapped his arms around Serio’s narrow waist and caressed his slim hips. “You had every right to want to leave,” Arden whispered, kissing along his lover’s stubble-covered jaw.

  “No, it was rash,” Serio softly said, lowering his chin just enough for Arden to lick it.

  Secretly, Arden agreed with him. But he also knew Serio had his reasons, and Arden promised himself he’d do everything possible to make these past few months up to Serio. Quitting his job so he was around full-time might have seemed like a big thing, and to others it probably was, but for Arden it was a small price to pay in order to make their relationship work.

  His long fingers went to the buttons of Serio’s shirt as he opened his mouth for a kiss. Serio’s arms settled around his shoulders, and his hands went to the back of Arden’s hair, pulling him closer and deepening their kiss. Arden’s fingertips slipped over Serio’s chest, seeking the smooth planes of his muscles and the soft nubs of his nipples. He found them and scraped his short nails over their points, getting a hiss from Serio in return.

  “Let’s stay down here,” Serio whispered, helping Arden unbutton his shirt the rest of the way until he was able to strip it off. It fell to the sofa beside them, and Arden brought his mouth to Serio’s neck before trailing soft kisses down his collarbone. He rested his cheek against Serio’s heart, listening to the erratic beat with a soft smile.

  “I don’t ever want to lose you,” Arden said, turning his head and kissing Serio’s chest right above his heart.

  Serio shook his head. “I don’t want to lose you either. Thanks for coming home early.”

  Chuckling, Arden went to his knees to continue kissing down Serio’s stomach. “Thanks for listening instead of simply walking out.”

  Flushed, Serio shook his head and trailed his fingers through Arden’s hair. “I’d have come back. I thought leaving would help me think, figure out why it was that I was so fixated on her birthday and why it was so important that you didn’t remember it too.”

  “Because it’s the day she died,” Arden softly answered him. “She lived all of three hours outside Jenny’s body. We each got to hold her once the doctors realized there was nothing that could be done for her, and that’s a memory I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. But her birthday is still the day she died. I prefer to think about the day Jenny called us a few months before that, so happy that her voice was high-pitched and hard to understand as she tried to explain to us that the fertiliz
ation took. That she was pregnant with our child. We went out to dinner and a movie, held her hands, rubbed her belly even if there was no visible sign that she was pregnant yet. Do you remember?”

  Serio nodded and wiped his cheeks. Arden was surprised to realize he’d started crying as well. “We all got manicures the next day and pedicures the day after. We made up reasons to spend time with her, the mother of our future child. I don’t think I’d ever spent that much time with a woman before that. Back then she was bubbly and bright, quick with a smile and a laugh.”

  “She was happy,” Arden confirmed for him. “Not only because she was having a baby, but because she was having our baby. She always said that. Remember? That it wasn’t just that she was pregnant, but that, in her eyes, we were the perfect dads.”

  Serio gave his hair a playful tug. “We would have been great dads. Our daughter would have been loved, cared for. Cherished.”

  Arden licked his lips and tilted his head back so he could better see Serio’s face. “We could still be,” he whispered.

  “Yeah. We should get a puppy or something,” Serio said, nodding.

  Arden shook his head and took hold of Serio’s hands. He was serious about this and needed his partner to listen. “No. I mean it, darling. We could be great parents. We would have been. We could still be that for some lucky little kid out there.”

  Serio’s breath sucked in on a loud hiss, and he fell to his knees in front of Arden. His brown eyes were wide and wet as he stared into Arden’s. “What are you saying?”

  Arden pulled Serio’s hands into his lap. “Exactly what you think I am.” He smiled softly, his heart beating wildly as he considered it all. Two years ago they’d had everything planned out. Could they get there again? Was it the right time, the right place? Were they the same as they had been? He didn’t have all the answers, but he knew talking about the idea was the right thing at that moment.