The Confession
Page 39
My favorite letter came by e-mail from an eighteen-year-old college student in New York State who became transfixed and empowered by what he saw as my “beautiful time of self-discovery.”
“I cannot help but admit that every time I see you now, whether in a picture or commercial, I see something truly beautiful and vibrant within you. Maybe it’s the potential to be exactly who you want to be. Maybe it’s an honesty that emanates from you, an honesty that has proven truer than I’d imagined. I’d like to say, ‘Welcome home.’ The decision you made was a difficult one. But a life of greater truth, love, and beauty awaits you behind the door you’ve opened, in perfect love and perfect trust.”
If any good comes from sharing my story, I hope I can inspire others to open their doors and reveal whatever is hidden there so that their own true beauty shines through.
MY RECOVERY MAY, AS RAY SAID, TAKE A LIFETIME. ON SOME DAYS, I can see only the work ahead. For one thing, my memory remains blurry, even after this long period of self-inspection. Perhaps my forgetfulness is self-serving; I know I violated my own moral precepts in ways I didn’t want to remember. Or maybe, as some gay people have told me, repression takes its toll on memory. In any case, I think the cause is the same: shame. The compromises were too great. In order to keep going, I fractured.
I know that I must locate these memories to complete my journey. It’s my central challenge these days, in fact. I’m committed to a searching and fearless rigorous moral inventory of all the things I did wrong—the fourth step. I don’t know how long it will take me to finish my moral inventory; nor do I know how easily I’ll be able to forgive myself once I’m done. I’m prone to self-recrimination—another problem to overcome. I just know I’ll keep going to meetings until I can look in the mirror and accept my own forgiveness, even knowing how many people I’ve hurt or let down. That will be an amazing day.
But the work doesn’t end there. I’ve still got to compile a list of all those whom I have harmed and make amends to them all directly. This is the most onerous part of recovery. From several people, I have already begged and received forgiveness: my parents and sisters, for example. Yet I have a ridiculously long list of people I haven’t yet found a way to tell how sorry I am.
One of those people is Golan. When I got out of the Meadows, I hired a researcher in Israel to locate a phone number for him, thinking I wanted to apologize for all those things that made him feel so inadequate and angry. I wanted to apologize for hiring him onto my staff in the first place, which set into motion this long and torturous history.
I wanted to know that he was all right and to tell him I wished him no harm.
But I have not had the nerve to call him. Perhaps, as I work the steps, I’ll find that courage one day. Until then, I become more authentic and integrated one day at a time. I am reminded of the question Abba Moses, the ancient desert monk, posed: “Can a man every day make a beginning of the good life?”
To which Abba Silvanus replied, “If he be diligent, he can every day and every hour begin life anew.”
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.
—1 JOHN 4:18
PHOTOGRAPHIC INSERT
Photo 1
Jack and Ronnie McGreevey’s firstborn child
Photo 2
Sgt. James E. McGreevey, my uncle and namesake, and my father’s hero
Photo 3
My father, Jack McGreevey—the greatest patriot I know
Photo 4
My mother, Ronnie. From my parents I learned the value of a life of service.
Photo 5
With Caroline (left) at St. Joseph’s Convent in Carteret
Photo 6
The McGreevey kids: Jimmy, Sharon, and Caroline
Photo 7
My first campaign photo
Photo 8
On the cruise where Kari and I first met
Photo 9
With mayors JoJo DeMarino of Woodbridge (left) and George Otlowski of Perth Amboy—two of the lions of local New Jersey politics
Photo 10
With three of the most important people in my life: Kari, our beautiful daughter Morag, and Jack Fay, my political mentor
Photo 11
With Ray Lesniak (left with coffee cup) and John Lynch (right) at a Chicago Irish pub during the 1996 Democratic convention. Lynch and Lesniak were two of the smartest and most powerful bosses in Jersey politics throughout the 1990s.
Photo 12
My family with Bill Clinton during the 1997 campaign. (From left) My sisters Sharon and Caroline, Mom, Clinton, Dad, and my aunt and uncle, Kathleen and Herb Smith.
Photo 13
Elie Wiesel has always been an inspiration; I was honored to meet with him after sponsoring the bill establishing the state’s permanent Holocaust Commission.
Photo 14
On our 2000 trip to Paraiso, Woodbridge’s sister city in the Dominican Republic, Kevin Hagan and I helped out at a medical clinic and visited with Haitian refugees.
Photo 15
Christie Todd Whitman, who ran a clean campaign against me when she might have done otherwise
Photo 16
Dina and I on our wedding day, overlooking the White House lawn
Photo 17
Election night, 2001: a dream realized
Photo 18
Taking the oath of office, just weeks after Dina brought Jacqueline home from the hospital
Photo 19
Jason Kirin (left) and Kevin Hagan were among the young staffers who gave heart, soul, and sweat equity to the campaign, and I was honored to have them join the administration.
Photo 20
The State of the State Address, January 2002
Photo 21
A gathering of governors: Jim Florio, Tom Kean, Brendan Byrne, and Donald DiFrancesco (right), who served out Christie Whitman’s term after she left to join the Bush administration in 2001
Photo 22
The annual Marine Corps birthday celebration is always a highlight for my father, who spoke at the ceremony in November 2002.
Photo 23
Speaking at the Ground Zero cornerstone ceremony, July 4, 2004, with Mayor Mike Bloomberg and Governor George Pataki of New York, and Port Authority chairman Tony Coscia. I was grateful for their strong partnership after 9/11.
Photo 24
President Bush and I disagreed on scores of issues politically—from the environment to funding for schools and roads—but he was unfailingly gracious to me and my family.
Photo 25
Greeting the crowds with Jacqueline
Photo 26
Signing our groundbreaking Highlands Act on August 10, 2004, one of my proudest achievements. Just two days later, my life would change forever.
Photo 27
With Golan Cipel in 2001
Photo 28
“My truth is that I am a gay American”: August 12, 2004
Photo 29
Signing Executive Order 1000, which banned the practice of pay-to-play from New Jersey state politics
Photo 30
Receiving an honorary doctorate from Kean University with my great friend Ray Lesniak, who helped me get through it all
Photo 31
With Jacqueline (above) and Morag, the lights of my life
Photo 32
Photo 33
With my partner, Mark O’Donnell
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I wish to express heartfelt thanks to the following for their support and critical encouragement through this process:
For invaluable editorial and research assistance: Billy Baker, Stefanie Cohen, Leela de Kretser, and Cassandra Uretz.
For reading all or parts of the manuscript: Christopher Bram, Suki Kim, Todd Shuster, Jonathan Starch, Barry Yeoman, and Ande Zellman.
For helping reconstruct the memories of my life, and giving me tools to understand their significance: Barry Albin, Curtis Bashaw, Joel Benenson, Tonio Burgos, Tony Coelho, J
im and Lucille Davy, Jamie Fox, Diane Legreide, Steve DeMicco, Kathy Ellis, David Etzion, Kevin Hagan, Dr. Bill Hait, Jeff Huber, Carla Katz, Dick Kinney, Jason Kirin, Helen Lai, Bill Lawler, Kevin McCabe, John “Mac” McCormac, Cathy McLaughlin, Patrick Murray, George Norcross III, Ted Pedersen, Eric Shuffler, Kevin Weber, and my dearest friends, Jimmy and Lori Kennedy.
For chronicling my political life so closely, and not always with rancor, I’d like to thank members of the New Jersey press corps whose work I consulted in creating this account, including John Hassell, Herb Jackson, David Kocieniewski, Josh Margolin, John P. McAlpin, Laura Mansnerus, John Sullivan, Bruno Tedeschi, and Jeff Whelan. Any errors of fact or interpretation, however, are my own.
I would not have the strength to tell these stories were it not for my brilliant psychiatrist Dr. T. Byram Karasu; the staff of the Meadows, especially Pia Mellody; and my friend, rabbi, and mentor, Senator Ray Lesniak. Through Ray I was introduced to the legacy of Bill W. and his worldwide followers, who saved my life.
For making me understand my own struggles in a larger context: Roberta Achtenberg, Richard D. Burns, Kate Clinton, David Dechman, Paul Dierkes, William Eskridge, Matt Foreman, Congressman Barney Frank, Tim Gill, Mitchell Gold, Steve Goldstein, Herb Hamsher, Mark Harrington, Fred Hochberg, Barbara Hughes, Kevin Jennings, Michel Mecure, David Mixner, Robert Remien, Joe Solmonese, Jeff Soref, Jon Stryker, Andrew Sullivan, Andrew Tobias, Urvashi Vaid, Scott Widmeyer, as well as Rev. Bill Tully and the community of St. Bartholomew’s in Manhattan, and the Anglican Benedictine Community at the Holy Cross Monastery in West Park, New York, who gave me a loving place to reflect upon these pages.
And for the people who cared for my well-being through this cathartic process: The New Jersey State Police and the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey Police. Cathy Reilly and the staff of Drumthwacket, especially Olga Nini, for reminding me of the good times we shared together. Kean University president Dawood Farahi. The Continental Airlines family. Pat Leone and her staff at Pat’s Café in Rahway, who gave me refuge and refills during the early crafting of this book. My brother members of the Hibernians and the Shillelaghs. And Brian Sheafer and the gang at the Rahway YMCA, who kept me sane. Mostly I owe gratitude and love to my family: my mom and dad and my sisters Caroline and Sharon; Kari Schutz McGreevey and Dina Matos McGreevey; and my greatest accomplishments, my daughters Morag and Jacqueline.
A special debt is owed the masterminds who helped put this book together, beginning with the eminent Doug Schoen, whose idea it was; my cherished friend Danny O, who made it seem possible; Ray Chambers, who when I questioned the wisdom of the project invited Deepak Chopra to pray with me; and the inestimable Bob Barnett and Jacqueline Davies for managing the business end. Governor Brendan T. Byrne, Governor Thomas H. Kean, and Tony Cicatiello for their encouragement. For her editorial wisdom, personal decency, and friendship, I owe a great debt to Judith Regan as well as her right-hand man at Regan, Calvert Morgan, whose sharp eye and keen intellect guided me every step of the way. Suzanne Wickham worked tirelessly to coordinate publicity; Donna Lee Lurker and Juliann Barbato, both of New Jersey, provided peerless production editorial support; and Cassie Jones made the whole process work.
For finding a coherent whole in the random facts, feelings, and stories of my life, and for his gift of language, my gratitude to David France, who through the process of writing this book with me has become my lasting friend.
I saved the most important acknowledgment for last: Mark O’Donnell, my partner in life, who has shown me the love I was looking for all along.
—JAMES E. MCGREEVEY
SEARCHABLE TERMS
Aaron, Michael
Adler, Deborah and Barry
Adubato, Stephen N., Sr.
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Aronsohn, Paul
Arsenault, Jack
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balanced budget clause
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Booker, Cory
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Bradley, Bill
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Bryant, Anita
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Bush, George W.
Byrne, Brendan
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Campbell, Bradley
Cannon, Patty
Carlebach, Rabbi Yosef
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carried shame
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Clinton, Bill
Clinton, Hillary
Codey, Dick
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Columbia University
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Corzine, Jon
Courter, Jim
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Cuomo, Mario
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environmental policies
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Esposito, Mark
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ethical compromises
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Fay, Jack
Fitzgerald, Brian
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Frankl, Viktor E.
Frede, Ellen
Freeh, Louis
Frelinghuysen, Rodney
fund raising
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gay domestic partnership initiative
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Glading, Jo Astrid
Gorman, Thomas
Gormley, Bill
governorship, in New Jersey
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Guidette, Chris
Hackett, Hugh
Hagan, Kevin
Haig, Alexander
Halper, Mark
Hanley, Frank
Hart, Margaret (paternal grandmother)
Hassell, John
Haytaian, Chuck
Heyl, Doug
Hines, Valerie
Huffington, Michael
Hughes, Richard
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Hyde, Edward
identity politics
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Janiszewski, Bob
Jenkins, David
Johnson, Lon
Jones, Virginia
Kant, Immanuel
Karcher, Alan
Kean, Tom
Kennedy, Jimmy
Kennedy, Lori
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Kirkpatrick, Jeane
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Lacy, Clifton
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