First of all, I form my own opinions about people. Second of all, your parents pay for you to go to school. Don’t you think that’s cool? They love you that much, Audrey.
I’ve never thought of it that way.
I would go to Peak if I could.
You would?
Definitely. And not just because I’m homeschooled and lonely. Because Peak has good teachers and good programs. That’s what I’ve heard.
Oh. That’s good to know. I smile up at him.
Calvin smiles back and kicks something out from behind the door. His shoes. One two. He slips his feet into them and then holds out his hand.
Have time for a second date now?
I take it. Of course.
Instead of crossing the street to the park, he turns left. I don’t ask him where we’re going. I’m not sure if that will ruin the moment. He tells me about a movie he just saw called This Is the End, which is hilarious and has the same actors as Freaks and Geeks.
What’s Freaks and Geeks? I ask.
A TV show that came out in 1999 but takes place in 1980. It’s about this tomboy Lindsay who starts hanging out with the “freaks,” but they’re really kind of cool. At least I think they are. Do you know who James Franco is?
I shake my head.
Well he plays Daniel Desario. He’s cool and charming but a total burnout.
How can the freaks be cool? I ask.
It’s all perspective.
We turn the corner and we’re at the shopping area with the Starbucks where we had our date. Only Calvin keeps walking past it and goes into the grocery store instead.
It’s finally stopped raining, he says. Let’s have a picnic. My treat.
I’m not that hungry after eating one of Taylor’s sandwiches, but Calvin grabs a large container of assorted sushi rolls and a pop and I grab a vitamin water. We walk back to the park where we first met and Calvin places his jacket on the ground for me to sit on.
I’m such a gentleman, he says.
I laugh. The summer sun is still high and warm on my shoulders. I pick up a piece of sushi with my chopsticks and Calvin’s eyes widen.
Is that blood?
I glance down at my shirt and for a moment I’m worried too. Then I realize.
No, it’s paint. It’s an old shirt I usually paint in. I was wearing it because we were cleaning out our basement today because of the flood.
Calvin’s mouth forms an O. Your house was flooded?
I nod.
That’s awful. Did you lose a lot of stuff?
I tell him about how I moved our special keepsake boxes a few days before the flood.
You’re a superhero! Calvin says and gives me a high five. I would never have thought to do that. He reaches out and touches the large splotch of paint on my shirt. So were you painting your room red or something?
I laugh. No, just painting. I’m an artist.
Really?
Yeah. Calvin is looking at me like he’s never met an artist before. Maybe he hasn’t. I feel myself sitting up straighter.
In school I carved a soapstone sculpture for Clare, I tell him. I used a saw and everything.
His eyebrows rise halfway up his forehead. Wow, that’s so cool. I’ve never done anything like that before. Was that in art class?
A private art class. Not everyone got to do it, I tell him, and feel proud. I wish I could show him the carving. I wish I had a picture.
I grab my bag and pull out my sketchbook. I’m not even nervous to show him my drawings. I’m excited. I flip through until I find the picture of Lake Louise.
You made that? Calvin knocks over his drink and quickly rights it. He doesn’t seem embarrassed at all as he leans over the sketchbook. It’s beautiful. How did you do it?
At first I just used charcoal, but then I realized I needed to make the lake teal. The only color in the picture. So I used two shades of blue pastels. They’re like crayons but mushier. You can spread the colors on the page with your fingers.
Calvin is about to touch it but pulls back with a grin. You’re a very good artist, he tells me and taps his drink lightly against my bottle.
I could help you make a sword, I offer. So you could create a character and play for real.
You’d do that? His whole face splits into a grin. How would you make it?
I’ve been doing some research. Some people make them with PVC piping, but other people say that snaps easily. I think we should use a fiberglass tent rod and cut it to the right length with a handsaw. Then all we need is PVC insulation foam to wrap around it and duct tape to keep it in place. We could get everything at Home Depot.
That sounds perfect. And would you make a sword for yourself, too?
To LARP with you again?
Yeah, for our third date. He winks. We could help each other create our characters. We can write entire backstories about them. All their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, their fears, their families.
I’d like that, I tell him. Because it’s the truth.
I’m really glad I met you, Calvin.
I’m really glad I met you, Audrey.
I stuff a California roll into my mouth to hide my grin.
Calvin isn’t just a friend, and he isn’t just a boyfriend. He’s the first person since Clare to understand me.
Clare
It feels good to just drive. I don’t ask Taylor where we’re going and allow myself to enjoy the feeling of being alone together. It feels like we can go anywhere we want, be anyone we want, do anything we want.
What Taylor apparently wants is a milkshake.
“I know a good place,” I tell them. When the neon lights of the diner come into view, my heart squeezes and my eyes sting, but I allow myself to feel sad and breathe through it. I know I’m not ready to go inside just yet, that just being here is enough, so I suggest the drive-through. One day I’ll tell Taylor that this is the diner Adam took Audrey and me to that day he stuck up for his siblings and girlfriend, but today I just want to enjoy time with them.
I order strawberry banana and Taylor goes with pineapple, which makes me laugh because who orders pineapple? We drive around until we find a spot to park on the top of a hill with a view of downtown. Below us, the streets and the bottoms of trees still have a layer of mud.
“I’m sorry your house flooded,” Taylor says softly.
“It’s just a house; no one was hurt. Audrey saved the most important things. We lost some of Adam’s belongings but she saved a lot of his memories. When no one else knew to take the flood warning seriously, Audrey was the one person who made a plan.”
“It was good to meet her. It was good to meet such an important person in your life.”
“I’m glad too.” After a second I add, “It was pretty cool having the two most special people in my life meet.”
Taylor grins. “It’s going to be a good summer. I can feel it.”
“Yeah.” I lean in closer to put an arm around them. “I wish I could have asked you to the year-end dance. I’m actually bummed it’s going to be canceled this year.”
“How about we have our own celebration, one with only the people we want to be there? All of our friends from the alliance, as well as Audrey.”
“That would be perfect.”
Taylor ducks out from under my arm and rotates in their seat to face me. Butterflies flutter in my stomach. “Speaking of asking each other places, remember on our date when we talked about traveling together?”
I nod. The butterfly wings pick up speed.
“Well, my family is going home for a week at the end of August, and I’ve been telling them about you, and they said they have enough flight points that I can bring a friend if I want. Meaning you.”
“Seriously?”
Taylor nods and then laughs at my expression. “Seriously.”
“We’re going to London! That is, if my parents let me. Considering how much they seemed to like you, though, I doubt it will be a problem.”
Tayl
or puts their arm around me this time, and we stay like that and talk until long after we’ve finished the milkshakes and I start to feel guilty for not being at home to help out. “I’ll come by tomorrow to help,” Taylor tells me after pulling up to my house. “Just tell me when.”
“I will.” I give them a hug before forcing myself to get out of the car.
* * *
When I enter the kitchen, the ’rents are freaking out.
“Audrey left! She just left the house without telling us and got on a bus to Elboya,” Mom tells me.
“That’s like one of the safest neighborhoods in the city.”
“She went to meet this Calvin boy!” Dad adds.
Oh. I smile. Good for Audrey. Except that Dad sounds ten seconds away from getting in his car, driving up there, and wringing poor Calvin’s neck. “What’s the problem? Remember how excited you were when he first called?”
“I thought he was a friend,” Dad mutters. “I was happy she’d made a new friend at school. But then they went on a date, and now . . . this.”
I can’t hide my smile. “You guys need to chill. We’re fifteen now. We’re going to date.”
Mom looks at Dad, who clenches his jaw before sagging onto the kitchen stool. “So it begins.”
I laugh. “We need to start treating Audrey like a grownup. She deserves it.”
“Clare’s right.” Mom rubs Dad’s back. “We need to step back and allow her room to breathe. She probably snuck out because she knew we would say no, and at least she took her phone and called to tell us where she is.”
“I’m going to go upstairs now,” I say before the attention turns to me—specifically what Taylor and I did after we drove off.
At the top of the stairs, I go to Audrey’s room, Adam’s old room, and really look at it for the first time in years. I pick up a stuffed elephant that sits on her dresser, put it back down. She still has the assembled car from the large Kinder Surprise Mom and Dad gave us years ago. There’s a paper package with the words For Clare written on it in black marker. I remember this package—Audrey was carrying it into the kitchen when she found out I was talking to Calvin. After that she must have decided not to give it to me.
With a glance at the door, I peel back the paper to reveal a stone sculpture of some kind. It must be the soapstone Mom said Audrey was going to carve. I pick it up and almost drop it because it’s so heavy. The stone is smooth and cool, the detail nearly perfect. Did Audrey really carve this? I run my finger along the babies floating in their separate sacs with their foreheads almost touching.
This is how we were once. In the beginning, before anyone or anything came between us.
I turn it around and realize I’ve been looking at it from the back. Symbols are carved onto each of the babies, and I recognize them immediately as the symbols for Gemini and Taurus. There is another sign carved between the two sacs, peaks like waves, and at first I mistake it for water in the womb. Then my pinkie grazes something rough and I flip the sculpture over.
Please forgive me, Clare and Adam.
The third symbol is Adam’s astrological sign, Aquarius.
My hands start to shake and I have to put the carving down before I actually drop it. I’ve been blaming Audrey for Adam’s death for months, yet it never occurred to me she might blame herself as well. I remember telling her it was her fault during a fight, but I didn’t think she took it to heart. I thought she . . . Well, I guess I have no idea what she thought because I didn’t bother to ask. I’ve been so angry that I haven’t been able to see her for who she truly is: my best friend. My sister. My wombmate.
Carefully cradling the carving, I curl up on Audrey’s bed and wait. I fall asleep and don’t wake up when Audrey comes home and talks to the ’rents in the living room. I don’t wake up until Audrey sits on the edge of the bed.
“You found it,” she says softly.
I sit up, still clutching it to my chest like a stuffed animal. “It’s amazing, Audrey. I can’t believe you made it. I’m so, so impressed.”
She smiles and then ducks her head shyly. “Thank you. I was going to give it to you at some point.”
I swallow hard. “It’s really creative with the symbols. Is the third one Aquarius?”
Audrey nods. “At first it was just going to be us, but when I started carving, it took on a life of its own. For some reason I felt like Adam should be there too.”
“Because he shared the womb with us too, just years earlier?”
“Mostly because I always felt like Adam held us together. Like the water in the womb.”
I can’t explain how proud of Audrey I am then. No one gets to know the real Audrey, the person who is thoughtful and deep and thinks about the world in wonderfully imaginative and breathtaking ways. A true artist.
“I saw the inscription,” I say softly. “ ‘Please forgive me, Clare and Adam.’”
Audrey looks away, finally breaking our gaze. “The day we lost Adam, I lost you, too.”
My heart clenches. “You haven’t lost me. You’ll never lose me, Audrey.” My voice breaks at the end of the sentence and my eyes flood with tears. All the feelings I’ve been shoving down and trying to avoid are bubbling up, all the memories of Adam and Audrey and me from our childhood. Why have I been acting like a jerk to the only other person going through the same thing as me?
“I’m so sorry I treated you this way,” I tell Audrey when I can breathe again. “I was just so angry and messed up about Adam’s death and lashed out at you.”
“It’s okay,” Audrey says.
“No, it’s not. I haven’t been a good sibling to you. I’ve been petty and mean and you deserve so much more. Adam’s death wasn’t your fault, Audrey.”
“Yeah.” Her tone is dismissive.
“No, listen to me. Adam’s death was not your fault. I’m so, so sorry I said that to you once when we were fighting. I didn’t realize you actually believed that until earlier today when we were looking through the boxes, and I should have told you then like Mom and Dad did. I was too busy thinking about what a terrible person I was.”
“You’re not a terrible person.”
“Well, I don’t want to be anymore. I need you to believe that it wasn’t your fault. Like Mom said, sometimes bad things just happen in life and no one could have prevented them. No one causes them. Do you hear me?”
Audrey nods.
“Good.” I take both her hands and hold them. Our eyes lock and I give her hands a squeeze. “We’re twins, Audrey. You’re the most important person in the world to me and there’s something I want to tell you. I’m going to tell you a secret about me and not because I’m trying to make up, but because out of the seven billion people in the entire world, you are the one person I want to tell.”
Audrey’s eyes widen a bit. I squeeze her hands again and she squeezes mine in return and just like that, our heartbeats sync up, beating in unison like Mom said they did in the womb. Time is unraveling, days and nights of whispering secrets in our bedroom stretching into infinity like a mirror held up to another mirror, until everything that has separated us slips away and we’re no longer the estranged versions of Clare and Audrey that we’ve been since Adam’s death—we’re best friends again.
“Remember when I told you that I sometimes feel like no one understands me?”
She nods.
“Well, that’s because they don’t know the real me.”
My body is humming now. Whether I’m excited or nervous, I’m not sure. But Audrey’s hands are holding me tightly and I know I’m safe, know this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I’m ready. I can do this.
“The reason I said that is because this year I’ve done a lot of searching into who I am. My identity, I guess. You know how I’ve been wearing Adam’s clothes? That’s not just because I miss him.” I pause and Audrey waits. I take a deep breath and say, “It’s because sometimes I don’t feel like a girl.”
“So you feel like a guy?”
�
�Sometimes.”
Audrey considers this. “You always seemed happiest when you were hanging out with Adam and skateboarding and stuff.”
“How did you know about that?”
“I saw you. Out my window.”
Right. I consider how and how much to explain to her. “It isn’t as simple as being a tomboy, though, or even being a lesbian. I’ve been wearing Adam’s clothes lately, and I haven’t felt like I’m being alternative—I’ve felt like I’m a boy. And I liked it.”
“Okay,” Audrey says simply, “then be a boy.”
I blink at her. “You’re not freaking out?”
She shrugs. “If you ask me, I don’t think you’ve been happy for a long time. Not since we were kids, when you just did whatever you wanted to do. Before you became friends with Sharon and started acting like her instead.”
“The thing is, I don’t want to be a boy all the time. Sometimes I want to be a girl.”
“Do you have to choose?”
Now I’m grinning because Audrey gets it. She actually gets it! “It took me a little while to figure out what term I want to use. Even though I feel closer to female on the spectrum and want to use she/her pronouns, I identify with both genders and feel like I can move between them depending on my mood or the day. So I think I might be gender-fluid.”
The moment I say it to Audrey, I know it’s the truth. Like Taylor, Audrey is my safe place. She’s always been my safe place; I was just too afraid to admit it.
Audrey smiles a smile I haven’t seen in a long time. Not since we were little kids. A memory resurfaces of a sunny afternoon and a sprinkler arching over a bright yellow Slip ’N Slide, rainbows dancing in the droplets, and Audrey grabbing my hand with the flash of a smile before we raced toward it.
“I’m glad you’re going to be yourself,” she says.
“I owe that to you, Audrey.” I squeeze her hands again. I never want to let go. “I was in a really bad place and didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I became honest with myself. I didn’t like the person I was pretending to be. I used to think it was so important to fit in and be popular and couldn’t see that I was turning into a complete jerk. It used to frustrate me that you never tried to be like the rest of us, but now I see that’s what makes you so cool. I want you to know that.”
Under Shifting Stars Page 22