by Diana Kane
“That was amazing,” Isabella whispers as she loosens her grip on me, rising up off of the toy. I slip off the harness and lay back as Isabella smothers my body with hers, her head nuzzled into my neck as I stare at the ceiling. Her fingers stroke my face as I lose myself in thought. I’m not sure if my heartbeat betrays me or my muscles stiffen, but Isabella sits up and looks at me with concern in her eyes. “What is it baby?” She continues to stroke my face as I try to formulate an answer that won’t sound crazy. I’ve known for a while but admitting this to myself, much less Isabella is frightening.
“I’m completely falling for you,” I tell her, never looking away from her beautiful eyes, the ones I see in my dreams.
“I’ve already fallen for you,” she whispers. My heart feels like the real life version of the Grinch’s when it grew three times its size in one day. I can admit that I’m scared of this feeling, but I don’t want to run from it. I can feel tears threatening to spill from my eyes, so I press my lips to hers and pull her tightly against me. We lay there clinging to each other, sharing tender kisses and talking until one, or perhaps both of us, finally falls asleep.
Chapter 23
I arrive at the office earlier than usual on Tuesday morning. I miss Isabella with a ferocity that I didn’t think possible. We attended brunch on Sunday as planned before quickly retreating back to my house where we made love continuously until I had to take her to the airport on Monday. Now I see reminders of her everywhere, I smell her on the pillowcase I refuse to launder, and her sketchbook and the art within it do little to fill the void I feel. I won’t see her until Thanksgiving, which I’ve already had Abby clear and have booked my flight. Several long weeks stand between now and our reunion. I decide to cope the only way I know how, by working and exercising even harder. I’m looking over the schedule to see where I can bump some things up and add on additional cases when Abby finally strolls in.
“Good morning! How was the rest of your weekend?” She smiles at me before taking a sip from her travel cup, which I assume contains her usual tea.
“Amazing.” I return her smile before I feel my forehead contract. “Why do I have another long weekend booked in October?” I stare at the schedule trying to figure out why I only have one case in the OR that Wednesday and nothing until the following Tuesday in the office. I don’t remember having a conference.
“Over your birthday right?” I check the dates again and realize that it indeed is over my birthday.
“Yeah.” I look at Abby hoping she knows why.
“Catherine told me to block it off, said they’re taking you to Chicago for your birthday. I figured you knew.” I sigh as I sit back in my chair. “Ok, you didn’t know. Are you upset?”
“No. It’s hard to be upset when someone wants to do something nice for you.” I feel guilty for wishing I could use the time to go see Isabella instead of going to Chicago.
“It isn’t like you to look more than a week or so ahead. You’re going to throw yourself into your work again aren’t you?”
“Yeah. You won’t be obligated to stay late though. I just need the distraction.”
“Alright. I’ll look into it for you. You know you’re always welcome to play soccer mom with me while I tote Stella around to her games.” I should make it to one of Stella’s games soon, it’s been too long.
“Did you book a vacation for yourself?”
“Not yet. Blake and I are talking about it though.” Her smile is infectious. Despite feeling sorry for myself, I can’t help but return it.
“Sounds like you two are getting serious.”
“We are. I really like him. Plus he survived a night out with our little clan and had a good time.” I smile because I’m genuinely happy for Abby. “My parents said they’ll watch Stella, we just have to pick a destination.” I start concocting a plan in my mind, helping me to maintain my smile. “Ok, I’ve got a few things to set up in the cosmetic clinic. I’ll let you know what I figure out as far as rearranging things goes.”
“Abby.” She stops in the doorway and turns to look at me. “Don’t worry about it. Exhaustion isn’t the way for me to deal with this.” She steps back into the office, closing the door behind her.
“Are you ok?”
“I won’t see her for nearly two months. I already miss her.” Abby sets her cup down and moves around my desk. She pulls me in for one of her comforting hugs. I never had a sibling, but I think of Abby like a sister.
“Isn’t love great? It might be the only thing that can leave you feeling totally full and empty at the same time.” I feel my body tighten when Abby tosses out love like that. “Relax, I know you don’t use that word, but we all saw it. You love her.” Abby releases me, picks up her tea and heads out of my office. I need to see my first patient of the day, but I delay, hoping to connect with Isabella.
“Twice in one morning!” Her smile lights up my screen.
“Hey, gorgeous. I wish I could stay and chat, but I need to ask a favor.” Isabella arches an eyebrow but continues to smile.
“Is this where you ask me to take off my shirt?” She teases, but I can see her hands lowering, she’ll do it if I don’t stop her.
“I wish,” I groan. “I was wondering how the resort looks over Thanksgiving. I need a suite for two.” Isabella’s hands drop, and her smile disappears.
“For two? Why do you need a suite for two? I thought you were coming to see me over your holiday.”
“I am baby, it’s the one thing I’m looking forward to.” I smile at her and her smile returns. “I told Abby to take a vacation while I’m gone. She and Blake are talking about taking one together, they just need to figure out a destination. It’s pretty romantic at your little paradise. I’d like to take care of it for them. If you have something, make the arrangements and I’ll give you the payment information.”
“No problem. Do you really have to go?”
“I do, I’m late for my first patient.” I try to smile but feel it falter.
“Ok. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I’ll talk to you later. Have a good day.” I disconnect the chat, hopeful that something will work out at the resort.
*****
I manage to get out of the office just after six. I’m exhausted, so I stop for some falafel and hummus take out on the way home. I eat while I go through my mail and finish charting for the day. I try to connect with Isabella once I’ve caught up, but she doesn’t answer. Suddenly I feel like I have too much pent up energy, so I go for a swim, hauling my laptop and phone with me. The only message waiting for me when I finish is a text from Catherine asking if I’d like to get dinner tomorrow night since Alex will be working late. I double check my surgery schedule for the day and let her know that I’d love to, that I should finish up by six a the latest, that we can touch base in the morning. I try connecting with Isabella again but get no answer. I take a quick shower and blow dry my hair before curling up to read. It’s nearly 10 when I check the clock again. I try Isabella one more time but get nothing. My heart sinks. This is the first night we haven’t spoken since we started this. I switch off the lamp and find myself tossing and turning, the scent of Isabella on the pillow next to me a constant reminder of what I’m missing. I pull it tightly to me trying to pretend that I’m holding her but the lacking body heat and heartbeat make it impossible.
I wake up when the alarm starts blaring out the annoying beeping buzzing hybrid sound that’s so irritating that I always jump out of bed to silence it. I immediately open my laptop and try to reach Isabella, again getting no answer. I start to wonder if I’ve done something wrong, or if something is wrong. I go for another swim in an attempt to clear my mind. It doesn’t work. I shower and eat a small breakfast before forcing myself out the door.
“Still want to get dinner tonight?” Catherine asks as I head towards my locker.
“Yeah.” I’m still distracted by the Isabella situation.
“What about Thai food?”
“
Sure.”
“And drinks of course.”
“Ok.”
“Afterwards we can go back to yours, Alex doesn’t need to know.”
“Sounds good.”
“Sara.” I feel Catherine’s hand on my shoulder. I’m standing in front of my open locker just staring into it. “Have you been listening to anything I’ve asked you?”
“Uh…” Catherine starts laughing.
“I thought not when you agreed that we could have sex at yours tonight.” I feel the blood rush to my face. “Everything ok?”
“Yeah, I’m being crazy, I’m sure.” Catherine raises her eyebrows at me. “I haven’t spoken to Isabella since early yesterday morning. It’s the first time we haven’t spoken before bed or in the morning. Just being paranoid and dramatic, panicking that I did or said something wrong.”
“I’m sure everything is fine. Maybe she just went to bed early or wasn’t feeling well. You’ll talk to her today.”
“You’re probably right,” I agree, even though my unease doesn’t fade a bit.
“Stop driving yourself mad. She’s crazy about you, trust me.” I smile at Catherine before turning back to my locker to get changed. “So is Thai food really ok tonight?”
“Sure, sounds good. I’ll text you when I finish up.”
*****
Catherine and I deposit ourselves in the booth the server leads us to. I order a whiskey sour, Catherine orders a martini and two ice waters. “Thanks for driving.”
“Of course. I figured you might want to have more than one while we’re here. Still no word?”
“None. I tried between cases and before you picked me up.” I glance at my phone, willing it to light up. I know it’s rude, but I can’t help it.
“Did you argue about something?”
“No. I talked to her before going into the office yesterday morning, like we do every morning. I talked to her again before seeing my first patient to ask her for a favor, she said she missed me and that was it.” My mind wanders, thinking of the dozen scenarios that could have happened and I would never know. Is Isabella hurt, did something happen to her, have I upset her in some way, did she meet someone else? The waitress brings our drinks and we both order spicy Pad Thai, mine with chicken, Catherine’s with beef.
“Whatever you’re imagining is probably far worse than the reality. I’m sure you’ll talk to her tonight.”
“I hope so.” I sigh as Catherine reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “How did you know that you were in love with Alex?” Catherine takes a sip of her martini before answering.
“That’s tricky. Looking back I’m certain that I was in love with her well before I would even admit to myself that I had feelings for her. It took me too long to realize that. I could have lost the best thing to ever happen to me before I ever accepted its existence.” Catherine takes a bigger sip from her drink, likely remembering things she’d rather forget. “I know this is terrifying for you to admit, but you love her.” I down half my drink in one go, signaling the waitress for another.
“I know I do.” I feel deflated, not only do I have no clue where Isabella is, but I’ve also admitted that I love her, giving life to the feelings that I’ve been trying to rationalize.
“Well at least you don’t deny it. Honestly, everyone could see it at dinner and Velvet. You look at her differently than any of us have ever seen you look at someone before. You should tell her.”
“Yeah. I guess when I see her over the holiday. I don’t want to do it over video the first time.” The waitress deposits my new drink on the table and informs us our food should be right out.
“You won’t see her before then?”
“No. We have the women’s health expo next weekend, then you guys are taking me to Chicago. I can’t schedule any more time away before then.”
“Thanksgiving will be here before you know it,” Catherine reassures me as she squeezes my hand again. The waitress delivers our food and confirms things look correct before leaving us. “I’m curious, so please forgive my asking, but what happened between you and Katrina?” I sigh as I force myself to eat another bite of the food I have no appetite for.
“I’ll tell you if you promise you won’t change how you treat her. You’re my friend, and you’ve become friends with her, which I’m fine with. I don’t want anyone taking sides here.”
“Of course.” I unleash a heavy sigh before rehashing the gory details for Catherine. She listens attentively as she continues to eat, allowing me to pause occasionally to take another sip from my drink. I’ve completely forgotten about my meal at this point and know I’ll have it boxed up for lunch tomorrow.
“Good grief. You didn’t tell anyone about any of that?” she asks when I finish recounting the gory details.
“Just Isabella. I promised her transparency and honesty, so she knows everything. I haven’t spoken to Katrina since I threw her out of my room. Honestly, I don’t want to. I feel like she’s back sliding or something. I don’t know. Am I concerned for her? Absolutely. But I can’t make her my problem like I did before.”
“Understandable. It won’t change anything, but I think she does care about you, she just can’t handle those feelings right now. She’s lashing out in her own way. We’re trying to convince her to go back to Dr. Sutton. She says she will, but I’m not sure if she has.”
“I’m glad you guys are looking out for her. I hope she accepts some help.” I finish my second drink and want a third but refrain, knowing I’ll regret it tomorrow if I do. “Gods this is the most depressing dinner ever.” Catherine and I both start laughing, the way great friends can even when things truly suck. “So tell me about this trip to Chicago. Don’t be cross with Abby, I questioned the time being blocked out on my schedule.”
“Not to worry, Abby is a gem. You know, it’s Chicago. We’ll have a ladies weekend, food, drinks, dancing, shopping, meet some of my friends, just go have fun like we have before. Did you have other plans?”
“No. I appreciate you thinking of me. It’s nice to be thought of.” Catherine and I chat a little while longer before I have the waitress box up my barely touched meal and we depart. She drops me at home and I brush my teeth before crawling into bed. I want to try connecting with Isabella but I can’t take another empty attempt, so I simply shut off the lamp and try to sleep.
*****
Like a glutton for punishment, I try reaching Isabella again before heading into the office. I trudge through my morning appointments, trying to inject some happiness into my demeanor. Abby knocks on my closed door during lunch while I play with my leftovers, not bothering to eat. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I respond, not bothering to look away from the takeout container. Thankfully Abby doesn’t press. I see her leave my office in my peripheral view, and hear the door click shut behind her. The afternoon drags on and I become certain that the energy expenditure required to fake some level of happiness with my clients is a bigger drain than my personal concerns. Once I’ve seen my last patient, I shut myself in my office again and finish my charting instead of doing it at home over dinner. I look at my scheduled cases for tomorrow and realize that we’re only doing one case due to needing to be at the convention center to prepare for the expo. A knock on my door pulls my attention away from staring at the monitor. “Come in,” I call out wondering who it is. I thought I was alone in the office at this point.
“You staying over night?” Valerie leans against the doorframe and smiles at me.
“No. I’ll probably head home soon.” I realize it doesn’t matter if I stay here or go home, I’m still going to be fixated on why I haven’t spoken to Isabella.
“Everything ok?” Valerie’s face shows nothing but concern as she makes her way toward the chairs in front of my desk.
“Fine. How are things going for you?”
“Great. Looking forward to getting a regular caseload going, getting back to the OR on a regular basis. Want an extra assistant in th
e morning before we take care of the expo stuff?”
“Of course, you’re welcome to scrub with me anytime.”
“Thanks,” she says as she gets up. She hesitates before heading to the door. “See you in the morning then.” I nod and power down my computer as she leaves, at least I can have a drink at home.
*****
I still haven’t heard from Isabella when it’s time to scrub in for my case the next morning. Alex, Valerie and Abby are having a lively conversation while we wait for pre-op to finish prepping the patient. I pretend to listen, but I have no idea what they’re discussing. The looks Alex keep giving me are enough to know that Catherine has shared with her what’s bothering me. Our nurse finally arrives with our patient and I feel a small relief knowing that for a few hours I’ll be able to focus my attention on the task at hand.