Bowsette

by M H Ryan

  “Dear citizens of the Grand Kingdom and beyond. I am afraid I have dire news, but first I would like to announce that our two Grand Warriors, Soto and Barkly, have been seduced by the evil Princess Bowsette of the Trench Kingdom.” She took a deep breath. “To say I am upset is an understatement, but above my personal issues stands the Grand Kingdom and my duty to you, my beloved citizens. We will do what we can to bring them to justice and find out the extent of Bowsette’s manipulation on their psyche. There is a reward of five thousand coins to the person that can deliver them or inform us of their location, five thousand each, that is. Alive is the preferred method.”

  Soto choked on the water he was drinking and Barkly stared at the picture with an open mouth. Bowsette paused the message.

  “Preferred, as in dead is an option?” Soto asked.

  “Five thousand coins?” Barkly asked.

  “Five each, ten thousand coins for the lot. That’s a lifetime of money here,” Soto said. “I mean, you could get a pad near Cupcake’s castle for that kind of money.”

  “I won’t let anyone take you.” She glanced at Pop Master and narrowed her gaze.

  He seemed to get the message and gave her a slight shake of the head. Telling her that he would never do such a thing.

  She started the video up again.

  “Of course, there is Princess Bowsette and it’s with a heavy heart and little surprise that we once again have trouble originating from the Trench. We just never knew the depths of evil that they could reach.”

  “What is she talking about?” Soto asked.

  “Some of you have heard, but I am sure many of you don’t know the extent of it, but Bowsette yesterday set off an explosion, destroying the Trench warp gate as a last ditch effort to stop us from rescuing Barkly and Soto. I am not sure if they knew the consequences of that explosion, but I am guessing this was a planned effect.” She took a deep breath and stretched out her hands as she stared into the eye. “I am saddened to inform you all that it isn’t just your gate, but all gates that aren’t working. I repeat, all warp gates are currently not working. We have our brightest working on this situation, but it could be sometime before we can reactivate them. I know this is the backbone of our economies and transportation of goods from one area to the next, but if our forefathers were able to thrive without gates, so can we. We will be building transportation mechanisms for distribution to kingdoms as quickly as we can.” She rubbed her head. “I don’t want to put frosting on this. This is not going to be easy, people. So please, reach out and help those you can but protect yourself from those that want to take.”

  “What the hell?” Bowsette asked. “They destroyed all the gates and are blaming it on me?”

  “I have a message for Bowsette,” Cupcake said. “I invited you into my kingdom, my heart, against all the wishes of the people around me. But I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt and you kidnapped my fiancé, and turned him and then Soto against us. None of that is as bad as what you did to all the kingdoms by destroying the warp gates. You will have so much blood on your hands that you have written yourself into the history books as the worst person that has ever existed. For this, I ask all the kingdoms to rally against the Trench Kingdom and offer no sanctuaries nor help to any of its citizens. She has declared war on all of us, but I suspect she isn’t finished. I suspect she will be coming for the very thing she wants most. My Commanding Rod.” She held the rod out. “So if you see her, kill her. If you can’t kill, capture. If you can’t capture, report. Any of the above that results in ending her pursuit against the Grand Kingdom, we will reward you with one hundred thousand coins. And, Bowsette, I warned you.”

  Now it was Bowsette’s turn to choke. A hundred grand was enough to buy an entire region. That was more than her whole kingdom produced in the last year times twenty.

  “Well,” Barkly said with a smile. “That was just the icing on the cupcake.”

  “It’s not funny?” Soto said. “Some people will just be after her, to kill her. We’ll be the icing on the cake. And the gates are down! I’m not sure you understand the repercussions here.”

  “Please, you don’t think we can take care of ourselves here. We are Barkly and Soto,” Barkly said.

  “Wow, believing your own hype now?” Soto said.

  “We will move forward, just a planned,” Bowsette said, her thoughts lingering on the last thing Cupcake said.

  “We’ll have to be sneakier,” Soto said.

  “Like ninjas,” Barkly said.

  “We’ll stay off the main roads… are there roads still out there?”

  “There were,” Pop Master said, walking toward a lava drip that Barkly had called a fireplace.

  “You’ve been around that long, old man?” Barkly asked.

  “I’ve seen enough to fill five lifetimes. I was getting arthritis when you were swimming in your dad’s balls.”

  “Gross, Pop,” Bowsette said.

  “Princess, I am insisting that if these boys accompany you, that they take an oath of fealty to you.”

  “Fealty?” Barkly asked.

  “It means we promise to be loyal to her,” Soto said.

  “Oh, we did that already, Pops.”

  “Don’t call me Pops you little shit. I am not your servant or friend. I am Pop Master, guardian of the Trench Kingdom Royalty and my oath of fealty to her was set before she was even born.”

  “Whoa,” Barkly said, raising his hands and leaning back. “Take it down to a nine. We’re on the same side here.”

  “He wants your blood oath,” Bowsette said. “You really think this is necessary, Pop?”

  “I can’t allow them on this journey with you otherwise,” he said.

  “Okay, then.” Bowsette stood and the boys did as well. “Are you two willing to take a blood oath of fealty for me?”

  “Um, not sure what exactly what that—” Soto began to say.

  “Sure,” Barkly interrupted. “Of course. What do I do?”

  Pop Master smiled and pulled the sword off the mantle.

  That’s when a massive explosion rocked the castle. Chunks of the ceiling fell to the floor dust settled in the air as the reverberations tore through the trench.

  “What the hell?” Bowsette asked.

  Lava spits out from the spout at the fireplace and then poured out in a large stream, filling the drain pipe in seconds and then overflowing the fire pit and oozing onto the floor.

  “She fucking did it,” Bowsette said.

  Chapter Twelve

  Cupcake looked at the papers on her desk. They were yellowed with age and the letters had dulled to a hazy grey. She squinted to read many of them. Banana paced behind her, her Bomb Wand thumping against her hip.

  “There has to be a way to bring them back up,” Banana said for the tenth time.

  Cupcake tried to ignore her and scanned the ancient documents. Banana came up behind her and looked over her arm at the papers.

  “You have to chill out,” Cupcake said.

  She loved Banana, but the girl could get on her nerves real quick.

  “I can’t live with this,” Banana said.

  She glanced back at her and felt bad. Tears welled in Banana’s eyes and she shook with a nervousness not common to her. Cupcake couldn’t exactly blame her for the feeling that way because while the world would know Bowsette was the one that destroyed the gates, in reality, it was Banana that did it. Of course, she had no idea that her explosion would take down the entire network and from everything she read, it should have been impossible, but it happened and now they were left with what remained. A pile of shit that had no easy way out.

  “Are you going be okay with this or not?” Cupcake asked, turning to glare at Banana.

  “Yeah, I’ll be alright and I wouldn’t act like this around anyone else.”

  “Good, the last thing we need is them thinking we aren’t in command of this situation.”

  “You think she’s, you know, with Barkly and Soto?” Ban
ana asked.

  “Are you second guessing that as well?” Cupcake asked.

  “No, it’s just, you know, I sort of got used to him being around. Kind of weird they’re gone.”

  Cupcake sighed and considered having Banana leave the room just so she could get work done.

  “It was for the best. It worked out for us and now they will be vilified right along with her. Bowsette’s litte rebellion is a blessing.”

  “Yeah, I guess. I just think we could have done more testing on them. We could have found—”

  “We both decided on this, so just drop it.” Cupcake rubbed her head, feeling another headache building.

  “Princess Cupcake,” her Captain of the princess guard, Zura said as he walked into her office. “We just got an eye returned from the Trench Kingdom, it appears they haven’t left her castle yet.”

  “Good, and what about the bomb?”

  “Bomb?” Banana said. “What bomb?”

  “Chill your yellows out. I told you about this.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “Yeah, I did, remember about how I said it’s going to get hot in Trench?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t put two and two together,” Banana said, working her puzzler. “How hot?”

  “Oh, it’s about how it’s going to way hotter in the Trench Kingdom.” Cupcake laughed and held up her hand for a high-five.

  The captain slapped her hand. Cupcake looked at her palm as if it had just been hit by excrement. She rubbed her hand on the side of her dress rigorously.

  “Are you talking about the lava?” Banana asked. “When you talked about it, I thought you were kidding. You were laughing the whole time about it.”

  “That’s because it’s funny, and those trench people will just be pushed out like rats on a sinking ship.”

  “Yeah, but Barkly and Soto could be killed.”

  “Yeah, kind of the point,” Cupcake said. “But most likely, it will just bury their kingdom and erase it from the books. And good riddance. What a drain on the other kingdoms that place is.”

  “I guess, I just would have liked to have been included in a bomb task.”

  “Honey, next time, okay? Plus, last time we were there, I think I let you have all the blowing-up-shit-fun for a lifetime.”

  “Princess, language,” Banana said, stomping her foot.

  Cupcake took a deep breath and then said, “Sorry. Now, Captain, are you sure you placed it right where I told you?”

  “Yes and it should be reacting at any moment. I have one more eye there now that will report back on the results,” he said.

  “Why only one?”

  “I’m afraid we don’t have anymore, Princess,” he bowed.

  “Shit, that’s right, the mountain kingdom is our supplier…” she looked at the ceiling in frustration.

  Banana cleared her throat. Most likely a dig at her language. Freaking Banana!

  “Send couriers to the mountains and return as fast as we can,” Cupcake said. “I want to make sure we know what Bowsette is up to at all times.”

  “What about the Misty Ocean eyes? We have a bunch out there and we could call a few back to use,” Banana asked.

  “Not a bad idea… Captain?” Cupcake asked.

  “That’s something else I wanted to bring up. We haven’t had an eye return in a while. It’s not unheard of because of the storms out there, but usually we get one or two back a week.”

  “How long has it been, exactly?” Cupcake asked, feeling the pressure building in her chest.

  “Nine days since the last one came back.”

  “Okay, no need to panic then. One problem at a time.” She didn’t even want to think about that possible problem. “How is the unearthing of the great library going?”

  “We’ve gotten to the first room, but the cost has been high. We are getting low on diggers. Of course, we will keep bringing you papers as we discover them,” he said.

  “Good,” Cupcake said. “Start getting diggers from neighboring kingdoms, even the Water Kingdom if we have to. Nothing is more important than getting those warp gates back up.” She took a deep breath, her thoughts lingering on the Misty Ocean and what might be on its way.

  “Of course, right away,” the captain said. “One more thing. The Volgard at the Grass Kingdom has activated and awaiting instructions.”

  “Why didn’t you start with that information, you imbecile?”

  “Sorry, would you like to instruct it?” the captain asked.

  “Yes!” she said, shaking her hands and looking to Banana, hoping she would understand what an idiotic question it was. “If plan A fails, I know exactly where they’ll be going first. There is only one place out of that…” She eyed Banana, “poop hole they live in. Send it to The Staircase.”

  “That disgusting thing is going to whiff off Princess Rubber,” Banana said.

  “You think I care?” Cupcake said.

  Banana rolled her eyes. “It’s going to terrify their whole kingdom. We’re going to have damage control to deal with.”

  “Captain, send the Volgard to The Staircase.”

  “Right away, Princess.”

  “That is all.”

  The Captain bowed and then left the room.

  “I’ll send some flowers to Princess Rubber, and maybe that manservant… what’s his name, Swan or Swanny, Slappy, Swanson! I’ll send her Swanson as well. She had a thing for him if I remember right,” Banana said.

  “Whatever. I don’t care,” Cupcake said.

  “Do you think Bowsette recorded it?” Banana asked as she inspected her yellow painted nails.

  “Recorded what?”

  “The bomb I made, you know, on the warp gate,” she said in a low voice.

  “I don’t know. We were pretty far away and from the look of the aftermath, I’d say that bomb destroyed anything nearby.”

  “I don’t know. She could have had it sealed—”

  “You need to stop it,” Cupcake said. “You are not the one with a hundred thousand coins on their head for the act. Bowsette is. People want a villain and we gave them one. All their hate and loathing for the gates going down will be directed to one person, Bowsette, not you.”

  “So many are going to die,” Banana said. “I killed them and if they found out it was me… I swear, I didn’t want to destroy—”

  Cupcake got up and grabbed Banana by the shoulders.

  “Get it together, okay? You are a princess and if you don’t start acting like it, I’m going to have to send you to the fucking Eighth Kingdom to cool off.”

  She gasped. “Cupcake. Language. And you wouldn’t dare.”

  “I would and will. Now, can you keep it together?” Cupcake’s gaze narrowed as she stared into Banana’s eyes.

  “Yes,” she said.

  Banana’s lips thinned and tears built in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything more on the subject. Cupcake plopped down on her chair and shuffled the papers out of frustration at Banana, the warp gates and horned princess’s. Then she spotted something in the text that jumped out to her so much, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before.

  She grabbed the paper jumping and holding it in front of herself as she screamed in joy.

  “What is it?” Banana asked, looking at the paper.

  “The gates are connected. It says it right here.”

  “And how does that help?”

  “It also says how we can get them reconnected if one is severed.”

  “How?”

  Cupcake gathered the papers off the desk in a heap and ran out of the room with Banana following close behind.

  “Get packed and I’ll tell you on the way.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Bowsette stood up and away from the table. Barkly, closer to the lava spewing from the tube and spreading over the floor in a slow-moving ooze, jumped on the table.

  “Dude,” Barkly said with a stupid grin, staring at the lava growing on the floor.

  “Don’t say
it,” Soto said stepping back from the expanding lava flow.

  “Are you kidding me?” Barkly yelled. “This is the one chance in all our lives.”

  “Oh my God, fine,” Soto said.

  “Soto, the floor is lava!”

  Soto jumped onto a nearby chair.

  “That was a million view video for sure,” Barkly said.

  “I have no idea what the hell you guys are talking about, but this is not the lava we have to worry about, it’s what’s behind it. Come on,” Bowsette said. “We got to figure out what happened here.”

  She walked past the lava, stepping on a corner of it as she left. She felt it on her foot and shook it off. The boys stayed far away from it, shielding their faces from the heat.

  “Oh shit, that’s right, you two are flammable,” she said.

  “Yeah, you’re not?” Barkly said, getting behind her and putting his hands at the small of her back as if a bully was coming after him. “I don’t want to get burned. Let’s just get out of here.”

  “I concur,” Soto said.

  “We can’t. The main lava river flows through the back of this house and if we don’t figure out why it’s overflowing, this whole kingdom could get buried in lava.”

  “What do we do?” Soto asked.

  “First we need to get you two protection.”

  “Did I mention I have a latex allergy yet?” Barkly said with a grin.

  “What’s latex,” Bowsette asked.

  “Nothing. He’s joking,” Soto said in a rush. “Just get us protection from this heat.”

  Soto wiped the sweat from his face.

  Bowsette lost sight of Pop, but she knew where he was going and would probably catch up to him before he got there. First, she ran to the apothecary room and grabbed two white jars from the shelf and darted back to the boys.

  “Is that the stuff?” Barkly asked, looking red and sweaty.

  “Yes, here, open and then pour it over your head.”

  Barkly grabbed the jar, opened it and poured the creamy, white liquid over his face and head. Bowsette went right in, smearing it over him, making sure his clothes and skin, head to toe were covered in the goo.