by Lucian Clark
“So…that was my husband. Gideon Bellview.” His words were flat. Eerily monotone like Gideon. They were said out of the necessity to say something. Anything. At this point I think Jack was looking for a way to just talk to someone who wasn’t Gideon. Or were they out of defiance? Gideon had been angry we were speaking to each other.
“How…how did you and Gideon meet?” Trying to make some form of small talk to fill the silence even though I knew the answer. I hid my awkwardness by sipping my drink and refusing to put it down. Jack’s face fell and I felt my stomach drop again. Probably shouldn’t be asking those kinds of questions, all things considered. Maybe I misread what Jack was doing. Was he trying to tell me to back off? My stomach started to flip now. Jack broke the awkward silence. Again.
“Some charity event. Gideon says he fell in love with me the moment he saw me.” Jack snorted and set his jaw as he spoke. “I was nineteen when we got married. Barely out of high school. I dropped out of college on his suggestion.” Jack drained his drink with a grimace.
“I, umm…” How do you admit to someone that you’ve been practically stalking them? Well, there was no going back now. At this point I had lost count of my chances, so what would another be? “I saw the articles. Back when we first met, I was trying to find you on Facebook and couldn’t find anything so I put your name into Google and…” I trailed off as I realized I was going nowhere.
“Gideon doesn’t want me to have one.” He said the words so nonchalantly. “I kind of agree. Nothing but drama anyway and I know my family would use it somehow to get at me.” He waved at the bartender before taking a sip of the drink that was brought. “They uh…didn’t agree with me marrying Gideon. Catholic and all.” He dryly chuckled.
“I’m sorry.” I placed my hand lightly on his arm. He flinched away from the touch.
“Don’t…” Jack whispered, but I understood and removed my hand. There was no need to give Gideon another excuse than we already were.
“It’s…I was never close with them anyway.” He continued. “They are very religious.” His tongue clicked against his teeth as if he remembered he told me that already. “To the point where…well, let’s just say there is a very specific Catholic demon who is said to turn men into homosexuals…” He chewed on his lip before placing his hand on my leg. “They don’t even use my name anymore.” The words came out on a bubble and he turned his face towards the sign, trying to hide his tears from me. Make-up streaked down his face and as a heavy sighing sob racked his body.
Next thing I knew, Jack pressed his face into my neck. He felt so small against me. His sobs were nearly silent, contained to soft hiccuping and jagged breaths. The sounds of someone who was used to hiding their tears. I could feel his fingers digging into my thighs, bunching the fabric of my jeans in his fists. When the fabric would slide free, his hands would desperately claw for it again.
All I could think about was how warm he was. His body felt like it was on fire with a feverish quality. I had this person, who I had only talked to a few times before, having a breakdown in my lap. And after a confrontation with his husband for having the audacity to speak to him nonetheless! Anger rose from the pit of my stomach. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close, not caring that, once again, all eyes were on us for this trespass. Judging us.
When Jack slowly peeled himself off of me, I ached. Suddenly I could feel the humid heat of the bar replacing where Jack once was. A slender finger gestured towards the door before placing a hand on my arm and rising from his seat. I followed after him, watching as he placed a cigarette between his black lips before he had even hit the door.
“I didn’t know you smoked.” I said, gladly taking one of the cigarettes offered to me. It had been a long time since I had one and I welcomed the excuse. Smoke burned in just the right way.
“I don’t have full out cry sessions on relative strangers in gay bars either, but here we are.” Jack stated quite bitterly. I placed a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed. A soft sigh escaped his lips along with the smoke as he leaned against my hand. “That was rude. My apologies.” I never wanted to hear Jack apologize for anything again. It made me hurt.
“It’s all good. You know what they say about assuming.” I joked. Jack snorted looking like a cartoon bull as the smoke billowed from his nose. I sank into the bench outside the bar, amazed that it was still unoccupied. The closer it got to 3am, the more likely someone was passed-out drunk waiting on their ride. Even for a regulars-only bar, Helena’s still had her fair share of late-night alcoholics. Myself included. Jack sat next to me with his elbows resting on his thighs. The cigarette hung from his mouth, just burning. His eyes were staring across the street, past the alleys and the businesses. A familiar look at this point. Disassociation. Where did he go to get away from the world?
“Gideon was the first person to tell me it was ok. That I wasn’t a freak. That there wasn’t something wrong with me. I fell for him so hard. So fast. I was a dumb teenager, of course I fell for him.” Jack groped around next to him, grabbing my hand. He squeezed my fingers hard enough to hurt and kept going. “He let me be who I wanted to be. He let me explore make-up and clothing and fashion and music and…” His words trailed off. He pursed his lips together before taking a long drag of the cigarette.
“Gideon let me be me. He let me figure that out. He gave me a safe place. He left me live my life…and I loved him. I had freedom to be who I always wanted to be. I didn’t have to act out for that taste. He supported me. In the beginning, he loved me.” Tears spilled down Jack’s cheeks yet again. He continued to squeeze my hand, refusing to let go.
“I’m sorry.” I had no idea what to say in this situation. Jack laughed nervously, letting go to run his hand through his hair. This knocked his bun down, that hopeless black hair spilling around his face. He was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I moved closer, causing Jack to look over. Then I kissed him. There was no thought in my actions. Nothing more than instinct. I wanted to let him know that it was ok, that he shouldn’t be sorry. And my dumb ass kissed him.
Before I realized I was even kissing him, Jack was standing and leaving. His words were rapid and high pitched. The same way they had been that night I met Gideon. That same fear and anxiety. I could barely understand what was being said.
“-late. I should go. See you around, Judah. Thank you for listening. I can’t be late. Gideon will be mad if I’m late.” Jack wasn’t leaving though. He was pacing back and forth in his place. His hands were wildly describing every word he spoke, running through his hair at what I assumed was the end of every statement. The bun that once held his hair was long gone and I could see his hair fell to just past his shoulders. His fingers grabbed fistfuls of those black locks, threatening to pull it out, and then letting it go. He got about ten feet away before stopping.
“Thank you for listening.” Jack’s words hit like a knife. The sadness held in his statement broke me.
“Jack, wait!” I called out, getting up and running after him. Long and quick strides to grab his arm and pull him back to me. Jack screamed before clamping his hands over his mouth and looking around. The red in his cheeks only accented his watery brown eyes. “Give me your phone.” An old flip phone straight from the mid 2000s was placed into my hand without a word. I quickly put my number in, called my phone, and hung up. No name. No trace for Gideon to know it was me.
“That’s my number. If you ever need me to listen. Please…” I wanted so bad to kiss him again. On my lips still remained the chalky taste of his lipstick. I could feel myself vibrating with the need, but this time I contained myself. Not that I wanted to, but I did. Jack left that night without another word.
IV.
The previous night had been on repeat in my head all day. All I could think of was what I should of said. What I shouldn’t have done. How could I have been so stupid? Nothing I did yesterday seemed like the right thing to do, but it definitely felt right. Besides that the day passed without incident. As mu
ch as I had hoped, Jack did not call me. However, as I was getting ready for bed, that changed.
“Hello? This is-” I wasn’t able to finish my greeting before Jack was spewing words from the other end of the line. He had been crying and may have been drunk. There was a strange quality to his voice that couldn’t just be explained by crying. Was he calling me from Helena’s? “Woah, woah. Slow down. I can’t understand you.”
“Come to Helena’s. Now. Judah. PLEASE!”
Jack’s words were slurred and mumbled despite their desperation and panic. In fact, I had never heard him more drunk than he was right now. His voice said everything I needed to know.
“Give me fifteen.” I was already pulling my shoes on before putting on my pants. Shit. “Maybe make it twenty.”
“Make it ten.” Jack hung up.
I got to Helena’s in tweleve minutes. Jack was sitting on the bench outside, squeezing his phone until his knuckles were white. He kept looking around like he was a nervous teen about to do his first drug deal. When Jack noticed my car, he sprinted over. How did he know it was-
“I need to get away. Please. Take me anywhere. I just can’t be HERE anymore.” There was no time for me to answer before he was in my passenger seat, staring at me.
“Uh well…” It was past midnight. What would still be open at this hour? I guess Jack noticed my eyes looking at the donut shop across the street because he huffed and shook his head.
“Your place?” Jack had set his jaw and had this determined look in his eyes. This was already planned. Asking was merely a formality.
“You, uh…sure about that?” This was moving too quickly and what would Gideon think about going to my place this late at night?
“Gideon left me here. He took the car. He thinks I’m stuck. We have until 3am.” Jack spoke in staccatos. It was like if he didn’t get the words out, he would never be able to leave. The dashboard glowed 12:23am. The time to get to my place and back left us with just about two hours in between.
“You sure?” I wanted nothing more than to have Jack to myself, away from the prying eyes at the bar. They wouldn’t snitch to Gideon, but they wouldn’t cover our asses either. “This is…dangerous.”
“DRIVE!” Jack yelled as he slammed his hand against the glove box with tears streamed down his face. His reaction startled me. What had happened before I had gotten there that night? Everything was so wrong and weird, but I didn’t question it. I didn’t dare to.
So, as commanded, I drove back to my place.
Approximately two hours. 120 minutes. No later either since, what if he came early to get Jack? Danger was thick in the air. Oppressive enough that we didn’t talk for the drive back to my place, our brains running wild with what-ifs. At least, mine was. We knew the consequences. What the fuck was I doing? Jack was drunk and not thinking straight. Gideon would find out, of course he would. We were being stupid. We shouldn’t be doing this. I should just tell Jack to go back to the bar and we’ll figure something else out for another time. There had to be some other way, right?
Climbing the stairs to my apartment felt like it took up a large chunk of our limited time. Every step stretched on and on like a stairway to Heaven, or Hell if Gideon found out. Gideon wouldn’t find out. He couldn’t find out. Plus, what did we have to worry about? Jack was just over to talk and maybe have a drink or two. The door squealed loudly open as if to tell the world our secret. A deep sigh escaped from Jack as he entered my living room. Jack. In my apartment.
“Do you want a drink?” I offered as I took his jacket, if you could call the skimpy leather thing a jacket. It was cut to just above his ribs but was remarkably plain for Jack. Looking around my apartment, I definitely wasn’t prepared for visitors. A pair of socks there, an empty take out bag over there, a few empty beer cans, and the sink full of dishes. It wasn’t filthy, but it certainly wasn’t how I would like with company over.
“No.” Jack grabbed my hand which caused me to drop his coat. He kissed me. Jack kissed me!
I cupped Jack’s face in my hands, kissing him as desperately as I felt. Jack’s squeak of surprise and step backwards gave me pause for a moment. The concern dissipated the moment Jack stepped back into me. He began kissing me again. Our tongues pressed hard against each other’s furiously trying to explore every inch. Jack’s mou
th tasted of beer and his lipstick, but sweeter in a way. His teeth grazed my lower lip and I shuddered which seemed to only spur Jack on harder as our teeth collided with the force of his kissing. My fingers danced along his spine feeling how thin the plain black long-sleeved shirt he wore was. Heat radiated through the fabric, only getting hotter under my fingers, as sweat started to cause it to cling to Jack’s dampening skin.
Jack had me pinned against my own door with his teeth grazing along my jawbone and my neck. His hands shoved under my shirt and I shivered at their coldness. It didn’t slow him down as he pulled my shirt over my head, moving to bite at my collarbone. Moaning softly only encouraged him more as his slender fingers traced designs along my stomach, then along my hips. His fingers danced along my sides, following the roses and wheat tattooed there. I had to bite my lip to contain a whine as my skin twitching under his touch.
“Jack…” I sighed his name. I was going to complain about the tickling but he turned those eyes up to me. In the pale light of my entrance way, those big, brown eyes sparkled. His bun had fallen loose and his face was framed with his black hair. Under the light I could see his brown roots starting to poke through. Why did he even try to keep his hair up? It was so gorgeous down. His pout was gone. There was a determination in that gaze I hadn’t seen before. Determination mixed with something else – want. My heart hitched and I bit my lip harder, rolling it between my teeth. Fuck, I wanted Jack as badly as he wanted me. The door groaned as I leaned back against it. “Fuck…You sure about this?”
My hesitation seemed to only spur Jack on. He nestled his head into my neck, whining softly as his hands worked on my pants. His breath was so hot against my skin. Erratic. Another whine left his lips as he continued to fight with the button and at that moment I noticed he was shaking. His whole body was trembling against mine and he was pressing it hard against me. Gently, I grabbed his hands and pulled them to my lips. I kissed each trembling finger before holding them to my chest.
“We don’t have to…” My words trailed off as Jack stepped away, fingers wrapping around my hands. “I’m perfectly happy to just be alone with you…” Jack shook his head. His hands pulled from mine and he ran his hand through his hair, looking off into the distance. A deep breath rattled through him and he turned back to me. Lithe fingers fully undid his bun before rolling the hair tie up my hand and around my wrist.
“Please…” Jack whispered. His head tilted to the side as if it was supposed to be a question. He stepped back towards me and placed a hand on my bare chest. Dark eyes searched my face before he dropped to his knees. He was no longer shaking. Quick work was made of my fly, yanking my pants down my hips with a strength that surprised me. Jack focused on his work and pulled my underwear down to my thighs as well.
“You’re already hard.” Jack laughed the words, amused by my erection which danced only inches from his lips. I groaned while digging my fingers into his hair.
“Yeah well…” I had no justification. Why would I? His fingers ran along my shaft before gently pressing at the black star that rested just below my belly button.
“You never-” Jack didn’t finish the words as he broke out in full out laughter as my face turned red. “Judah!”
“Young and drunk.” I whimpered in embarrassment as I chewed on my lip. Was I really being mocked for my drunken teenage decisions right now?
“And apparently a bit of a tramp.” Jack grinned knowingly, fingers tracing their way back to the tip of my cock with his thumb teasing the tip. My knees buckled slightly and I moaned. I couldn’t even remember the last time I was this hot under someone’s hands. And Jack was damn good with his hands.
He continued to tease me, running his fingers up and down. When he finally grabbed my hips and took me into his mouth, I almost came then and there.
His tongue mimicked the playful nature of his fingers. My cock twitched in his mouth as I savored the warmth while I gently tugged on his hair. He was in control, and dear God, he could do whatever he wanted to me.
“Fuck…Jack…aaah…” He stopped to bite gently on my hip following down to my thigh. His eyes were closed, but that expression on his face. Blissful. At peace. The first time I had ever seen him something other than some flavor of upset or annoyed. Something pulled my eyes away to look at the clock on the stove across the living room. 12:56am. Already? And Seven Minutes in Heaven felt like an hour back in middle school.
“Bedroom?” Jack purred, turning those Bambi eyes up at me. Was he a mind reader?
“Anywhere you want.” I sighed. Couch? Floor? You name it. Jack could have said behind the dumpster at Helena’s and I would have gone with him. Romantic, I know. As he stood he took my hand, gently tucking his hair behind his ears with the other. That’s when I noticed the white scars that danced up and down his arms, front and back. They intersected and collided looking like the spiderwebs of a car windshield after a wreck. Jack caught me looking and quickly wrapped his long fingers around his upper arms in a poor attempt to prevent the sleeves from riding up more. Pink flushed across his cheeks before spreading down and under his shirt.
“I…” Jack bit his lip and looked away. For the first time, Jack did not flinch away from my hand as I gently grabbed his jaw, pulled his face towards mine and kissed him. One step after another, I steered him towards the bedroom, which was past the kitchen and across the living room, never breaking our kiss.
1:08am read the stove.
Clothes quickly slid off once we were in the bedroom. Hands groped and grabbed wanting to explore every part. Lips followed fingers and breath hot against skin. We were entangled in each other leaving no spot of bare skin unexplored by touch or mouth.