by Lucian Clark
Even in the dark of the room, as I forgot to turn the light on, I could see his scars expanded far beyond just his arms. Across his pale thighs, stomach, hips, even his back. Thin lines occasionally broken with large, thick, keloid scars. Some of those scars were the size of Jack’s fingers which lay beside one in an attempt to cover them from view. So many stories, with probably just as many sources gauging by the deep marks on Jack’s back. Acid hit the back of my throat at what might have caused those deep, almost claw-like marks.
“I’m sorry…” Jack whispered before slowly moving his hands and folding them tightly in his lap. His eyes were closed, like he was afraid of looking at me. From my spot, kneeling before him on the floor, I could tell he was ashamed of his scars. I buried my face between his thighs and kissed each one. My hands found his and I looked up at him, his face blurry above my glasses.
“You’re beautiful.” I kissed his thighs again before gently pushing him back onto the bed. My hands slid up his stomach to lovingly caress the scars there. Moving to sit on the edge of my bed, I pulled Jack into my lap. His warmth flooded over me. I groaned and buried my face in his hair. The smell of smoke and lemon filled my nose. He was mine. Even if it was just for this night, he was all mine.
“Jack…” I said breathlessly. He slowly reached up, grabbing my chin in his hands. Searching for something, anything in my eyes. The sound of our breathing filled the vacuum that had been created around us. Despite being of average build I felt so large while I had Jack like this against me. My fingers gently explored his back, tracing the scars there. Along his shoulder blades and back down his spine. Shivering, Jack tilted his head and kissed me. His black hair was a mess, but it still managed to look like it was done on purpose. There was a softness in the way he gazed upon me.
It was my turn to tease as I did the exact thing Jack had done to me earlier. He moaned into the kiss, tongue pressing hard against mine. His hips rocked into my hand, caressing and stroking him. Something caught the light from the ajar door. Black barbells through each of Jack’s nipples. How had I not noticed them before? I growled and felt Jack tense under my hand. Up across his stomach my hands slid and to his nipples to gently tug on the metal. The response was instant, and loud, causing me to whine in need. Every sound Jack made only served to make me more desperate.
Reaching over Jack’s shoulder and to my nightstand, I fumbled in the drawer. His skin was hot and wet against mine due to being slick with sweat. Before I realized, Jack had taken the condom from my hands and opened it with his teeth. Delicately, he slid it over my cock before pushing me backwards and climbing on me. Each bony hip was marked with a black rose, petals spread to show red deep at the roots.
“Guess I got to see them, huh?” Jack went to dismount and I grabbed his arm, laughing. “Sorry, sorry.” Jack smiled softly and I realized he had said almost nothing this whole time. Red numbers flipped over to 1:49am. Less than an hour. There wouldn’t be time. If Jack knew the time, he didn’t care as he climbed back on top of me. While I had been worrying about the time, Jack had grabbed the lube from my nightstand. The viscous liquid dripped from his hands as he made sure we were both ready. I reached around grabbing his ass in my hands and feeling a hungry growl rumble in my chest.
My groping fingers grabbed at Jack’s as I brushed his hand aside, sliding a finger into him. His eyelids fluttered and a moan passed his lips. His back arched and I ran a finger down his chest and stomach, feeling his muscles tense around and under me.
“Jack-” I tried to warn him about the time. My worry causing me to become soft. Could I perform under this pressure? A thought that left my mind quick as a dry finger pressed to my lips as the other hand was wiped unceremoniously on my bed.
“I know. I don’t care.” Jack moaned as I slid his finger past my lips, letting it graze across my teeth. “I want this…” He whined the words. God, I wanted him too. No, I needed him now.
Wrapping my hands around Jack’s hips, I slowly lowered him onto my cock. Leaning over, he kissed me with a passion matched by only my own. He needed this as much as I did. Guided by my over-sized hands, his hips moved in rhythm with mine. Once more our tongues explored each other’s mouths. Our teeth collided occasionally with my thrusts, but neither of us seemed to mind. I could kiss him for hours, I thought as I felt his teeth tug gently on my lower lip. Spit caught in the pale light causing his chin to glisten. Our moans and gasps were the only thing that broke that kiss as passionate sounds filled the room.
Being careful not to crush him underneath me, we moved together so that I was over him. His legs wrapped around my waist with his heels digging almost painfully into my lower back. My fingers curled around his cock and I moved in rhythm with my own thrusts. I lost myself watching Jack’s body writhe in pleasure under me. Fistfuls of sheets were tugged on in ecstasy. Jack’s back arched and pressed him into both my hips and my hand. I was getting close.
“Cum for me.” I whispered harshly into Jack’s ear, pulling his earlobe between my teeth. Jack’s moan echoed in the bedroom as his back arched sharply to press against me. A high-pitched whine hissed from between his teeth and into my ear. “Cum for me.” I repeated as I felt Jack’s cock twitch in my grasp.
As I straightened up for a better angle, my hips slapping harder and faster against Jack, he came. His body shuddered and tensed around me with his orgasm splashing across his stomach and chest. I didn’t last longer after, the whines and moans of his orgasm and rhythmic clenching pushing me over the edge. I wasn’t done with him yet. Bending down, I dragged my tongue along his stomach and chest savoring the salt of his sweat and cum. My tongue teased his nipples and he squealed, pushing me away with a blush that turned his entire chest and shoulders red.
“S-sensitive.” Jack stammered between panted breaths. Slowly and reluctantly, I pulled myself from Jack and went to lay beside him when the red glow of the clock brought me crashing back to reality. 2:46am. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. So much for savoring the afterglow.
We were lucky we didn’t get pulled over, driving like maniacs at almost 3am. We had a hard time limit and couldn’t risk the consequences. Jack didn’t say a word the entire drive. What was he thinking? I wanted to ask but the look on his face said I shouldn’t.
As I pulled up to Helena’s I could see Jack shaking in his seat. I knew what he was afraid of and it was a fear we shared.
“It’s ok.” I said, kissing him softly. Those dark Bambi eyes were filled with fear. What if Gideon was here early? What if someone said something? He didn’t need to say the questions for me to know they were spinning around his head as well as so many more. “It’ll be ok, I promise.” I kissed his forehead. With that he opened the door and before leaving turned to look at me, tears running down his face.
“Thank you.” He smiled and walked through the doors of the bar. The drive back home was quiet and warm.
V.
I kept waiting for another call that never came. Asking for another night at my place and another round. Going out for a date or drinks somewhere fancier than Helena’s for a real night out. Hell, maybe something more stating he was leaving Gideon for me. These thoughts may have been outlandish fantasies, but I couldn’t shake them and they were better than where my mind would go if I didn’t try to stay positive.
There was always the opposite possibilities too. Gideon calling and stating that he knew. Or even worse, Jack calling me in tears, upset and hurt, because of what we had done. His scars haunted me. Absolutely no way that they were all self-inflicted. Hell, some of the ones on his back looked like the types of scars you would see in history books; the deep cutting scars of a whip. What kind of monster was Gideon Bellview? And more importantly, how could I save Jack? These thoughts consumed me as I thought of every outcome.
To make sure I didn’t accidentally run into Gideon again I avoided Helena’s for a bit. I kept my phone on me at all times – waiting. Expecting a call from either Jack or Gideon. Anxiety ripped through me every night, worried I would
sleep through a desperate call from Jack and be too late. Too late? Christ, would it come to that? Eventually, it got to be too much. Jack wasn’t calling and I was worried. Too scared to dare call his phone myself, I made my way to Helena’s.
“JUDAH!” All I had done was open the door to the place and Jack was stomping towards me. How did he know it was me? His hands were curled into fists so tight that his knuckles were a stark white. If his nails were any longer I’m sure his palms would be bleeding. Blinking in confusion, I lifted my hands in a plea.
“Jack, hey uh.. wha-” Jack’s fist collided with my chest. I grunted and took a step back into the outside as the sharp pain radiated across my chest and I gasped for breath. He was small, but he had focused his punch right to my solar plexus. A hush came over the bar that muted everything including the music that had seemed so loud only moments ago. Over Jack’s head I could see the others in the bar staring at us.
“Fuck. You.” Another hit to my chest and he stormed past me through the door. So much for an excited hello, how are you? Where have you been? And more hopefully, I missed you.
“Jack, wait!” I stumbled after him, panting and confused. “Seriously, wait!” I shouted. Jack sat on the bench out front of the bar with his face buried in his hands. His shoulders shook in sobbing motions. I could hear the hiccuping in the dead silence of the cold night. While a busy road during the day, once the evening commute was over, it was dead. A road meant for nothing more than getting in and out of city which explained why there were three other bars on the same stretch.
Standing outside the bar, I realized how cold it was. I shivered and could see Jack’s breath coming out in small clouds like he had just ran a mile. Across the street, the donut shop’s sign matched even Helena’s in its disrepair. The combination convenience store and gas station next store blazed brightly. The brightness seemed out of place, especially compared to the dinginess that Rio’s Donuts and Helena’s brought to the street. A safe haven for travelers, though this time of night there would be no one until the drunks stumbled from the bars. They would stop to fill up their cars and stomachs on their way home from a night out to celebrate, drown their sorrows, or get lucky. A desperate attempt to sober up with coffee and food before driving into a waiting cop car that always sat down the road.
“Jack, I-” What was I even apologizing for? The bench creaked under my weight as I sat next to Jack. Waiting for any hint as to what I had done or what had happened. Oh god, what had happened? My heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach. What pain and suffering had our transgression caused Jack?
“Go away.” Jack hiccuped. Slowly, I placed a hand on his shoulder which he wiggled out from under.
“Why? I don’t-” Panicked. “You have to tell me what I did, Jack…” Those eyes glared at me from behind his fingers, looking like black pits when compared to his fair skin.
“Men like you…” He spit on the ground and said something in French.
“I don’t understand…” I attempted to reach out again. Jack didn’t try to move away this time, but that stare held me with his eyes flickering under the street lights.
“You got what you wanted. Fuck off now.” Jack snarled.
“Is Gideon making you do this?” Apparently this was funny to Jack. A cruel, harsh laugh caused him to pull his hands away and cover his mouth. His sleeves moved to reveal fresh red marks on his wrists. Where they from Gideon? I suddenly felt sick.
“Really? Gideon? Judah, please.” He placed a hand on my thigh before he stood, fishing a cigarette out of his bag. He lit it, took a long drag, closing his eyes before letting the smoke roll from between his lips. “You really have no idea?” He sounded amused.
“No, I really don’t.” Never had I felt so lost, so stupid. There was something going on and apparently I was staring at it, completely unable to comprehend it.
“You fuck me and then I don’t hear from you or see you for what, a week? Two weeks?” He took another drag, free hand clenching and unclenching. “What am I supposed to think?”
“I was trying to keep distance. So Gideon wouldn’t…” I rubbed my face and sighed deeply. “With all those scars and the fight last time, I thought that maybe if he found out…something bad would happen.”
“You think those scars are from Gideon?” Jack laughed again, he sounded like a jackal. Sharp. Manic. “You really are fucking stupid.”
Those words hit hard. Sure, I wasn’t the best at human interaction, but I meant no ill will. I just wanted to keep Jack safe. I just wanted to protect him. I had already seen what type of person Gideon was. There was no way I could know what he was truly capable of. But to call me stupid? After I had put myself on the line too?
“I saw how he acted at the bar. The bruise on your face. How afraid of him you are.” I felt so small sitting next to Jack like this.
“You don’t know anything. We’ve met what, less than five times? We fuck and suddenly you know everything about me and my life?” Jack crushed the butt under his boot heel. Turning to look at me, he rolled his lip between his teeth. A nervous reaction. Something he did when he was mulling over what to say next.
“I know he’s abusive. I know you have scars on your back.” Jack lit another cigarette as I spoke, eyes turned away from me.
“Judah. Those scars are from my family.” He sat heavily next to me, handing the cigarette towards me. I took it and took a long, deep drag from it. The smoke burned my lungs. I held it until my eyes burned and I coughed when those words left Jack’s lips. “I have a lot to still tell you about my family. There is a reason I saw Gideon as my knight in shining armor, why we got married so fast…” Jack sighed.
“I’m sorry…” I placed my hand on Jack’s thigh again, squeezing gently. He let out a small yelp, swatting my hand away. “Sorry…” I mumbled again.
“As you know, my family is Catholic. But I mean, really Catholic. I told them I was gay at the age of 16 and after that they tried to exorcise the demons from me.” Jack sneered. “It sounds all so cliché. But really, they thought I was possessed. They blamed everything they could. The media, music, even the Catholic school I went to. Everyone but themselves and their genetics.” I watched as Jack smoked the rest of the cigarette in silence. That’s how we sat there, watching as snow began to fall and dance in the street light. Total silence.
“Judah…” Jack spoke softly, placing his fingers over my hand. “I’m sorry.” His apology caught me off guard.
“No, I should be the one apologizing.” I squeezed his hand, scooting closer as I noticed a shiver run through his body. “I shouldn’t have assumed anything.”
“No, but you’re right. Gideon is abusive.” Speaking the words out loud seemed to catch Jack off guard. His thumb rubbed the top of my hand until it was red. I didn’t move it even though it was starting to get a bit painful. There were a million emotions swimming in those eyes.
“It’s ok.” I squeezed his hand again before wrapping my arm around his shoulders. Jack felt small underneath my arm. Smaller than usual. No, he felt frail. Delicate like even the weight of my arm alone would crush him. He didn’t push me away, he just looked at me pitifully.
“It’s not ok. I’m not ok.” He buried his face into his hands again, and I pulled him against me. His body shook with a sob and I could feel his tears on my shirt. I refused to move. Jack would be the one to lead the way with what he wanted. I was an idiot who didn’t know how to read him, he was right about that. How do you handle this type of situation? What could someone like me offer to Jack?
“Whatever you need.” Murmuring into his ear, I kissed the top of his head. My face buried into his soft black hair, which was already down for once.
“What I need is for you to not leave again.” Jack stated flatly.
“I never left in the first place.” I said.
Jack squirmed from under me, lip pulled back in utter disgust. He looked repulsed by me like I had in the span of seconds went from normal person to the Creature from the Bla
ck Lagoon. Something horrific and slimy.
“You wouldn’t call that leaving?” He hissed the words, grabbing his bag from the sidewalk. “What did you do then? What would you call that?” His tone was raising, voice becoming shrill. Water filled his eyes and those long, dark lashes broke the dam.
“I gave you space! I protected you! I-” Had I really done those things? I fell silent. Jack was right. I didn’t try to call. We had fucked and then I essentially ghosted him.
“You vanished and I thought I would never see you again! I felt so stupid for thinking you wanted something other than sex. I trusted you!” Blood ran down Jack’s chin as he bit his lip. His nostrils flared as tears spilled in unstoppable waves down his cheeks. All to familiar black rivers. By this point I half expected the door of Helena’s to open and the bartender to look out. A black car with blacked out windows drove by slowly trying to rubberneck our fight. So much for trying to be discreet.
Without another word, Jack rolled up his sleeves showing the bright, angry red that crossed along his arms. Both arms had new wounds, some scabbed over while others seemed ready to bleed at a moments notice. Thin and precise. “Really?” He whispered. “Is that really what you think you did Judah? You really think you didn’t just fuck me and then ditch me for days, no call, no text?”
“I didn’t want-” I stammered.
“Gideon to find out?” Jack finished, snarkily. “Sure.” Jack yanked his sleeves back down. “Those are all because of you. You did this.” Jack turned on his heel and stormed off, face contorting in a mix of emotions. Rage. Pain. Betrayal. I could identify them all as the car door slamming echoed through out the cold and nearly empty lot. Silently, I watched as his car screeched out of the parking lot and down the road, red taillights fading from sight. There was nothing more I wanted to do than to chase his car down that long road. I wanted to scream and yell and apologize. Again. And again. And again. Like I had so many times already. Instead, I had stayed silent and let him walk away.