by Lucian Clark
My scream was echoing across the parking lot before I even realized what I was doing. Throwing a fit like a child, I let it all out until my throat was raw and hoarse. The cold air burned my lungs as I panted and heaved. I banged on the metal bench until my fists would be black, blue and red. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Tears ran down my face and I smudged my own blood through my hair, pulling on giant fistfuls. Fuck. FUCK.
A gentle tap came and I spun, hand cocked and connecting with something. No, someone. The bartender stood his ground as my fist connected with his chest. While I was big, he was even bigger. Dual role of bouncer and bartender with that build. Air wheezed into my lungs as he plucked my fist from his chest and I let it fall limply.
“Go home.” He said, pointing to the parking lot. Several curious bystanders looked like curious little raccoons, peering from around the door held ajar. “Leave. You’re disturbing the peace.” He spoke sternly.
So I left.
VI.
Without Jack, I felt lost. No, more than lost. I felt vacant. Days bleed into just some mishmash of colors and sounds that slip by and through your fingers like water, or in my case, alcohol. When your mind loses its sense of purpose, it loses its sense of time or shape or matter. A plastic bag drifting where the wind takes it. You have nowhere to call home, no corporeal form to tie you to the world around you. Just discarded garbage.
I called Jack the night after our fight. Immediately to voicemail. Not sure what I was expecting, but it stung just the same. Words poured from my mouth until the harsh beep and automated message brought me crashing back down. Yes, I would like to delete the message. Another, but different, beep as I dropped my phone onto my night stand. The red numbers on my alarm seemed brighter and harsher then they did before. Too much like the neon sign at Helena’s that illuminated Jack like some type of cyberpunk angel.
Everything brought me back to that fight. Every word that was said, every movement that each of us took. Each day caused my gut to twist and turn, a constant anxiety about what was to come. Walking past the smokers at work brought flashbacks to those big, hurt eyes. The way Jack held his cigarette between his pursed lips, trying not to smash the filter in his distress. His whole body seemed to vibrate, not from the cold, but from trying to keep everything in. A bottle shaken and ready to burst, regardless of how delicately one tried to open it.
Helena’s offered no respite. The nights I was able to slip by the bartender, Jack was never there. No one had seen him, but I really don’t think they would have told me if they had anyway. They all had not only heard the fight, but seen it too. Those faces all peeking around the door to gossip among themselves long after they had left for the night. Gossip I heard in bits and pieces as I returned to Helena’s with a shaky truce with the bartender. He kept me company on those long, lonely nights going as far as to tell me that the bar was started by his grandfather and named after his grandmother. Our conversations were brief, but I appreciated the attempts to quell the turmoil in my mind with something other than the alcohol.
I called again. And again. And again. I tried to call at all hours of the day. Maybe Jack had a day job? Maybe his phone was dead? Maybe, he didn’t want to see my sorry ass again. I was desperate, to say the least. Hopefully Jack hadn’t saved my number under my name and if he had, be damned with the consequences. I had to apologize. There could at least be no accusations of lack of effort this time.
I chased down all the bars along that strip of road too. Taking some nights to wait it out at Cocky’s, Gabe’s, and The Haven, with no luck. None of them had the same feel or atmosphere of Helena’s. These were the bars you saw in movies and on TV shows with loud music, crowded bodies, and drinks with clever names. All bright neon glow and sweat. Yet somehow, everyone was noticed in those places. Too much attention. There was no way Jack would come to one of these places, right? It was during these searches I realized how little I actually knew about Jack.
A few conversations here and there never reveals the full picture. It never could. Jack’s words, “we fuck and suddenly you know everything about me” echoed in my mind. Yet, there was that forever nagging feeling in my guts when I was in those places. Jack wore a lot about him on his sleeve, quite literally. He talked openly and freely about his past and his opinions, but his current life? That I knew nothing about. Besides his marriage to Gideon. Even then, I only knew bits and pieces. His interests, whether or not he had a job, his hobbies, I knew none of it. I returned to my post at Helena’s, hoping that my gut was right. Jack would show up again, hopefully. If not, then…I didn’t want to think about that. He had shown back up before and there was something that pulled at my heart that Jack was a creature of habit. Plus, someone just doesn’t keep coming back to a bar where no one talks to them for no reason. Jack had to come back at some point. When? That was the big question.
“Hello?” I groggily answered the phone, rubbing my eyes and staring at my clock. 4:00am exactly. Sleep held down my anger at being awoken, smothering it under a pillow for now. The clock clicked over to the next minute before the voice answered on the other end.
“Judah?” Jack questioned timidly. His voice was distance and tinny; a bad connection. I checked my phone to confirm but UNKNOWN CALLER displayed across the screen. There was no question though, that the voice with the hard but strained accent on the other end belonged to Jack.
“Jack? Is that you?” Loud static pulled me more from my sleep causing any anger to quickly dissipate. “Can you hear me?” More static.
“Yes, it’s me. Judah, I need to see you. Helena’s. Tomorrow. I’ll explain everything.” The words were quick and quiet, and I almost missed half of what he said because of the static. He was clipping in and out, almost like he was trying to call from inside a tunnel. “Judah? Did you hear me?” Jack whispered.
“I’m here. Tomorrow. Helena’s.” Click. No goodbye, no other confirmation. I stared at the disconnected phone, displaying CALL ENDED. Was I dreaming? It felt and sounded like Jack was calling from a dream. It would account for the bad connection and the static. A ghost in the wire. But why so late? If Jack was truly a ghost, then the timing made sense. You don’t hear about ghost stories occurring in the middle of the day. That’s when I realized that Gideon probably went to bed at 4am, soon after Jack would be getting home from the 3am last call of Helena’s. Had I somehow missed Jack? The thought made me sick.
Sleep did not come back to me nor did I try. The anxiety bubbling in my stomach would take at least another hour or two to calm down. My alarm would go off for work in three hours anyway. I showered, I cleaned, I did anything to make the hours pass quicker. I don’t remember driving to my job. Work disappeared in such a blur that I’m still not sure if I actually did anything productive. There was only one thing on my mind, and it was getting to Helena’s.
I arrived as early as I possibly could. The door felt heavier than usual as I pushed it open into the dark interior that made up Helena’s. There was a strange tension in the air. Something didn’t sit right as I looked around the bar. The music seemed quieter, almost somber. There were only a few people besides the bartender. Sadness. There was a sadness that hung in the air, a quiet loneliness that lurked in every shadow of the place. Every bar stool seemed to be covered in a layer of darkness, devouring even the bright neon lights of the signs along the walls. It felt more like a wake than a bar.
Nestling into my place and ordering a whiskey to ease my nerves, even the bartender – whose name I still hadn’t bothered to learn – seemed to be moving at half speed. My lack of sleep must have been catching up to me. The adrenaline of making it through the day was wearing off. I sipped my drink and waited keeping that heavy and dark door at the corner of my eye. Despite my best efforts, and with the help of the alcohol, I could feel my eyelids getting heavier.
Minutes slipped by like hours. Everything felt like a heavy breath, clawing to be released and yet held back, blocked by something. Suffocating in weight and volume. At some point I passed out. I wa
sn’t the first person to fall asleep at the bar, and as with anyone else, I was left alone. Minutes finally free to pass as slow or fast as they wanted to in my unconscious state.
“Hey…” A soft voice woke me with a shake. Grumbling, I swatted the offending hand only to be greeted with an even stronger shake. “How many drinks did you have?” A short pause. “Only one? Huh.” I could hear Jack pursing his lips as he gave me another shake.
“I’m up.” I growled and that gentle hand slipped from my shoulder. As my eyes adjusted to the lack of light, I realized that Jack was sitting to my left as opposed to my right as he normally did. Every shadow clung heavily to his slight frame, obscuring almost every detail from me, but especially his face. My frame blocked any pink glow that usually enveloped him as I sat up. “I’m up.” I stated again, wiping the crust from the corners of my eyes. Christ, how long had I been out?
“We need to talk,” Jack said. His hands fidgeted in his lap and he worked over his lower lip with his teeth.
“Let me just say…I’m sorry. I’m not the greatest at…” I let my words fall. What did I mean? Greatest at what? This wasn’t a relationship. Friendship? What did we have? I let the words echo and end with a shrug.
Jack nodded. He licked his lips, black lipstick having rubbed off on his front teeth from the anxious gnawing. It made his teeth looked chipped and broken.
“I’ve been thinking.” Jack raised his hand to stop me before I could interject. “Just let me finish.” A sigh deep enough I could see his chest press against his shirt. “I’ve been thinking. A lot. About us, whatever it is we have, whatever you want to call,” his hands flailed openly in the air, “this.”
“I feel safe with you, Judah.” He continued. The word safe seemed pained, the opposite of what it should. “I don’t feel so alone with you.” Jack’s hand found mine and he squeezed them. There was fear in his eyes, but a different fear than I was used to. This wasn’t the fear of someone, as it had been in the past. This was the type of fear of change, but tinged with something else – hope.
“Jack, what are you saying?” The words burned as they came out. I had been holding my breath the whole time Jack spoke. My throat and mouth were dry. I glanced at my glass, but it was empty.
“I want to try.” Jack looked up as he spoke. Those big doe eyes sparkled underneath heavy black eyelashes. Truly sparkled, and not from the reflection of any of the lights around us.
“Try?” Air rushed into my chest, and continued to fill me to an almost painful level. My insides knotted and twisted. My heart slammed in my throat. I knew what Jack was saying, but some level of me wasn’t ready to accept it yet.
“Judah, I can’t do it anymore.” Jack’s voice didn’t falter. There was a confidence that I hadn’t seen before, especially when it came to speaking of his relationship with Gideon.
“Are you sure this is smart? What if-” I said before Jack cut me off.
“I don’t care!” He roared, squeezing my hands hard enough that I could feel his nails threaten to break my skin. “Damn it all!” When he realized everyone was staring, he lowered his head. “I deserve to be happy.” He whispered to the room.
“Why not just leave?” I asked. A simple enough question that received daggers from Jack.
“He’ll kill me.” The words were spat out, like a spoiled piece of meat someone had chewed on for far too long. Slimy and full of sinew. Something that would not be broken down, no matter how long you tried. Full of disgust, contempt, and worst of all, deception.
“He’ll kill you if he finds out.” I pleaded.
“At least…at least I would have been happy for a bit.” Jack sighed, running those needle fingers through his hair and pulling on the ends. It hung freely tonight, a perfect veil to obscure his reactions to me and to the rest of the bar.
Such words held great sorrow. I couldn’t deny Jack his escape. What may be his only attempt to escape. From the corner of my eye I could see the bartender watching us while pretending to wash an empty glass. Was I being paranoid? Did Gideon have spies everywhere in the bar? There was no way. Gideon would already know about Jack and I if that were the case. As much as we thought we were being sneaky, we were the exact opposite.
“Why now?” I had to know what had spurred this revelation on. Jack falls silent and disappears for days only to return with this plan. What happened? I swallowed hard and tried to keep down the unease that was rising inside of me. There was no need to jump to awful conclusions now.
“Gideon leaves for China for a month. If all goes well, it could be even longer.” Jack chewed on his lip again. He disappeared for a second, those eyes growing vacant in a daydream. He shook his head before continuing, “It’s now or never. Judah, do you understand that?”
Of course I understood that. Jack would be left alone. We’d have all the time to do whatever we wanted so that Gideon would never know. No worry about him dropping by suddenly or time limits we had to abide by. Freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, how we wanted. A smile crept across my face that I couldn’t contain. No more sneaking around like grounded teenagers.
“Plus, he broke my phone cause it kept ringing.” Jack sipped on his drink which had materialized in front of him. I could feel his gaze on me as he waited for me to understand the implications of his words. I felt my whole body turn red in embarrassment. “He thinks I’ll be cut off while he’s gone.” Jack chuckled before pulling out another phone from his bag. It was a simple pay-as-you-go phone. That would explain why he had come up as UNKNOWN CALLER. His calls were no longer being tied to Gideon.
“No more robocalls at all hours of the day.” I hissed through clenched teeth and Jack laughed. A genuine, full body laugh. It bounced and echoed through out the bar, floating above the music and
noise of the bar. That odd and sorrowful feeling was chased away by the sound.
“He leaves on Monday.” Jack finished his drink and smiled softly at me. Leaning forward he kissed me gently and floated out that door. Hopefully, one of the last times we would have to use the cover of alcohol and dim lights. Well, I guess I had a boyfriend now?
The bartender was squinting at me as I looked away from the door Jack had just left through. Due to the light it was hard to tell if it was bewilderment or if he was judging us for the conversation he just overheard. I waved him over and he turned his back to me. So much for hospitality. Switching seats and loudly coughing caused him to turn and before he could try and ignore me again, I spoke. “Let’s try something new tonight. What mixed drinks can you make?” I grinned as the bartender rolled his eyes at me.
VII.
Getting ready for Monday went quicker than I expected. We still had our meetings at Helena’s but there was a heaviness there. A fire blanket, meant to smother our excitement as we dared not make too many plans in the open. Despite the safety that the bar seemed to offer we couldn’t be too sure who was listening or watching. We were too close now to risk it. There was a whole month of plans to be made and it all felt like a house of cards. Any wrong move would bring it all toppling down on our heads.
Jack and I spoke nightly on the phone (always past 4am) in hushed tones about our aspirations. It somehow felt safer than Helena’s. Gideon was a loud sleeper. Maybe not the brightest idea but we were excited. Acting like two high school sweethearts despite being well past that age. I think some part of us hoped that if we got caught it would be now before there was any real danger to what we were planning. We talked about where we wanted to go, what we wanted to do and how to proceed once our month long love affair ended.
Jack wanted to do so many different things while we were together. He wanted to go out to eat and go to the movies. He especially wanted to go to the recently renovated aquarium he had been begging Gideon to take him to for months. For me, I wanted to look at apartments, jobs for the both of us, and ways to bring our lives together. Support ourselves away from this awful city. Moving from Georgia, I didn’t really have much choice. I picked wherever I cou
ld find a job and a place then moved. Clearly it wasn’t working out for neither Jack nor I. Jack wanted to stay in a city at one point, suggesting New York. My laughing response got me an annoyed tongue click over the phone. Too many people, too expensive, and too close.
We had to cram an entire courtship into one month. One month to figure out if this was going to work. So many different aspects to see if we were truly compatible. It was a lot, to say the least. None of it seemed to scare Jack though. He talked openly and eagerly about all of his plans. When we met at Helena’s, his mood was clearly happier. There was a bounce to his step and while I loved it, it also made me worry. Would Gideon notice this complete change in demeanor? Jack assured me that was not the case as he spent most of his time at work now – preparing for his trip out of the country.
As Monday drew closer my mind wouldn’t stop racing. Plans were finally being set into motion. There was this growing pit in my stomach over the whole situation. What if Gideon canceled? What if he came back early? What if he bugged the house and knew Jack was out all day? What if, what if, what if? Every scenario ran through my head, no matter how dark the outcome.
“Jack, are you sure about this?” I whispered into the phone on Saturday night.
“I’ve made up my mind.” Jack stated plainly.
“But-”
“No buts, Judah. Either you’re in this with me or you’re not.” Jack’s voice wavered at the mere thought. My heart broke. Jack deserved so much more than Gideon could ever give him.
“Aw sugar, of course I’m with you.” A Southern twang crept forth and Jack laughed.
“Excuse me?” He was still laughing.
“Sorry. I was born in Georgia, ya know.” I sighed. No matter how much I tried, something always managed to bring those memories back.