Preaching to the Choir

by Kitty Parker

  After Ainhoa sauntered away to take another table's orders, Matt clarified what she had said. "Apparently the special tonight is a chilled gazpacho."

  "Does it have meat in it?" I asked.

  He shook his head. "Nah, gazpacho's a sort of vegetable soup."

  I nodded. "That sounds good. Since I can't read the menu anyway, I think I'll just get that."

  Eden was busy staring at the list of appetizers and entrées with an adorably clueless look on her face. I couldn't help but grin at the way her eyebrows crinkled.

  Apparently, Matt noticed this as well. "Would you like me to translate for you?" he asked, beaming at his date.

  She smiled gratefully back at him. "That would be wonderful, thanks."

  The happy couple soon became lost in their own world as they scrutinized the menu together, leaving Kurt to scratch his head in bewilderment at the items listed on it and me to chew on an ice cube that I had fished out of a glass of water that had arrived at the table moments before, courtesy of a rather sketchy busboy who took it upon himself to stare down my cleavage. Pervert.

  Kurt sighed in frustration. "Remind me why I took Russian again…" he muttered to no one in particular.

  "Because you weren't awesome enough to take German," I replied, smirking.

  He rolled his eyes. "Oh, because wearing Lederhosen and yodeling is just so cool."

  I chucked an ice cube at him. It hit him squarely on the forehead.

  "Hey!" he protested, retaliating with an ice cube of his own.

  Unwilling to back down, I chucked two more at him. We were soon engaged in an all-out ice cube fight.

  "You guys," Eden wailed, finally tearing her attention away from the menu (and Matt). "You're going to get us kicked out of the restaurant! We're supposed to be on a double-date, here!"

  Just then, one of Kurt's ice cubes went straight down my bra. Squeaking, I jumped about a foot in the air.

  „Scheiße!" I exclaimed as the little frozen invader lodged itself between my breasts. „Es ist so kalt! (It's so cold!) Verdammt! (Damn it!)"

  As the ice melted, causing the skin in my cleavage to go numb, I let out a string of curses that would have made a sailor blush. That is, if the sailor spoke German. All the while, Kurt sat across from me, laughing like a madman. Eden, on the other hand, had turned as red as a tomato that had gone on vacation in the Bahamas and forgotten to put on sunscreen. She slumped down in her chair as though she wanted nothing more than to acquire spontaneous teletransportation abilities.

  "Can't you guys act civilized for once?" Matt pleaded as I attempted to calm down by taking a huge gulp of my water. "Jeez, no wonder you guys aren't going out."

  The water came spraying back out of my mouth as I choked on it, drenching Kurt in the process. I coughed violently for a minute before staring at him in horror.

  "Oh my (cough) gosh! I'm so (cough) sorry, Kurt!" I hastily handed him my napkin.

  "Say it, don't spray it, Lotte," he replied, a bizarre mixture of disgust and amusement making its way across his face. "Excuse me."

  As Kurt pushed out his chair and made his way to the bathroom (to wash off the nasty combo of water and saliva, I assumed), I turned to Matt.

  "Matt, what the hell did you mean, 'no wonder you guys aren't going out?!?'"

  He shrugged and smiled amiably at me. "I guess I just meant that if you guys can't even be courteous to each other when you're supposed to be on a date, it's a good thing you aren't going out, even if you do have an insane amount of chemistry."

  "Chemistry?!?" I shrieked. "You actually think that we have-"

  Eden cleared her throat loudly and jerked her head to the right, where Kurt was quickly approaching our table. A quick change of subject was direly needed.

  "So what are you guys going to get?" I asked abruptly.

  "I'm going for the Solomillo," answered Matt, picking up quickly. "It's basically a steak."

  "What is it with men and steak?" Eden joked, playfully nudging him. "I'm going for the…um, how do you say it again, Matt?"

  He smiled warmly at her. "Cous cous auténtico de pollo."

  Eden laughed lightly. "What he said. It's a couscous dish with chicken."

  I looked over at Kurt, who had just sat down. "What about you, Kurt?"

  "What?" he asked, confused.

  "What are you getting?" I explained.

  "Oh! Um…" He thought about it for a minute, then picked up his menu, squinting at the Spanish printed on it as though staring might make the words magically transform into English.

  Eden, Matt, and I waited expectantly for his answer.

  "I guess…" Kurt closed his eyes and moved his finger in a circular motion above the laminated pages, finally pointing at a dish. "Chapulines?"

  Matt snorted.

  Kurt raised an eyebrow at him.

  He just shook his head. "Nothing. It's just…um, well chapulines is a Mexican dish. I wonder why they have it here."

  "Variety?" I suggested.

  Eden shrugged.

  Just then, Ainhoa came back with a pad and a pen. Matt took care of placing our orders. When he got to Kurt's, however, Ainhoa gave him a look that I could only interpret as shocked disgust, as though he had attempted to order a barrel of radioactive waste.

  Matt just shrugged.

  After flashing Kurt a confused and somewhat sympathetic glance, Ainhoa made her way toward the kitchen.

  "Kurt, do you have any idea what you ordered?" I asked.

  "Nope," he replied with a smile. "It'll be a complete surprise."

  "Let's hope it's a good one," Eden muttered.

  ----------------

  "Mmm, this is good," Kurt proclaimed around a mouthful of…well, whatever it was he had gotten. He was about halfway through the dish.

  "You like it?" asked Matt, grinning broadly.

  Kurt swallowed. "Oh, definitely."

  "What does it taste like?" I asked, curious.

  He glanced up at the ceiling in thought. "Well, it's definitely got some garlic and lemon in it." He took another bite. "It's kind of crunchy, too."

  Matt suddenly burst into laughter.

  Eden gave him a strange look. "What's so funny?"

  He leaned over and whispered something into her ear, causing her to giggle. She stopped briefly, took a look at Kurt (who looked completely bewildered), then started laughing some more.

  "Seriously, Matt," I began. "Why are you guys laughing so much?"

  He just shook his head at me, laughing too hard to form coherent sentences.

  I glared at him.

  Pulling himself together, he ignored my question and turned to Kurt. "Dude, do you even know what you're eating?"

  Kurt raised an eyebrow. "No. What is it?"

  Eden grinned. "Are you sure you want to know?"

  I scowled, not liking her "I-know-something-you-don't-know!" sort of tone. "Even if he doesn't, I do."

  "Seriously, what is it?" Kurt asked again.

  Matt and Eden shared a mischievous look, then grinned at him like a pair of Cheshire Cats. "Grasshoppers."

  Gagging, I looked over at Kurt to gauge his reaction to this vile news.

  He had turned faintly green.

  Well, so much for dessert.

  Chapter 11: Lágrimas Negras

  As far as I was concerned, "the date" had been a complete catastrophe. After realizing that he'd been munching on insects, Kurt had hastily made his way to the bathroom and had spent about twenty minutes in front of the toilet, emptying his stomach of its vile contents. Even though he was in the men's room, Eden had pushed me in to comfort him as he hurled. I had simply knelt awkwardly behind him, rubbing my hand in circles across his back. Awkward bonding experience? Yup.

  Eden's night had apparently gone better, judging by the fact that she and Matt had gone for a "moonlit stroll" after dinner, while I escorted a nauseous Kurt back to the hotel via subway. The two of us headed down the stairs into the nearest metro station, Kurt dropping a Euro into the instr
ument case of a man who sat off to the side, picking out a tune that I recognized as "Lágrimas Negras" by Bebo & Cigala, a Spanish jazz duo that I was somewhat familiar with. Humming softly along with the song, I made my way through the turnstile and onto the waiting train, Kurt in tow.

  As the sliding doors of the subway car clanked shut behind us, Kurt and I located two empty seats and plopped unceremoniously into them. The train began to move, causing me to fall on top of Kurt for a brief moment before I hastily pushed myself back up, using his thigh for leverage. He grunted in response to the sudden pressure on his leg.

  "Um, sorry…" I mumbled.

  He shook his head. "Don't worry about it."

  We slipped into an awkward silence that lasted for a full five minutes. I had no idea what to do to remedy the situation. I mean, what do you say to the person whom you've just watched regurgitate his dinner?

  Well apparently, if you were me, you would comment on the weather.

  "It's really humid out, isn't it?"

  Kurt shot me a weird look. "Sure, I guess."

  I wished for him to elaborate so that I wouldn't have to wrack my brain for more topics of conversation, but he didn't. Evidently, Sick Kurt was as quiet as Healthy Kurt was talkative. Either that or I had done something to upset him.

  "Are you mad at me?" I asked, not exactly sure why I even cared.

  He looked at me, surprised. "No, of course not. What makes you think that?"

  I shrugged. "You're just being rather quiet, that's all."

  "I'm still nauseous from those damn grasshoppers," he spat, glaring at the floor. "I can't believe Matt didn't tell me what I was ordering."

  "Maybe he's a closet sadist," I suggested, albeit in jest.

  "Mmm," Kurt muttered in assent. "He'd better be having crazy, wild sex with Eden right now, otherwise he's going to die a virgin as soon as he gets back to the room."

  "Kurt!" I exclaimed, shoving him. I was somewhat scandalized that he had suggested that my best friend would sleep with someone on the first date, something that both of us knew she'd never do.

  "Yeah I know, it's Eden," Kurt replied, picking up on my displeasure. "I'm just emphasizing the fact that I'm pissed at Matt. I fully intend to castrate him with a rusty spoon the next time I see him."

  I snorted. "Wouldn't that require touching his balls?"

  Kurt thought about this for a minute. "Ok, screw that. I'll just drop an anvil on him instead."

  "Wouldn't that require actually owning an anvil?" I grinned at all the loopholes I was finding in his vengeful plot.

  Kurt pouted at me. "Will you stop finding something wrong with every revenge scheme that I come up with?" he snapped.

  I held up my hands in defense. "Chill, dude."

  "Sorry," Kurt muttered, looking somewhat sheepish. He turned his gaze to the (rather dirty) floor. When his eyes accidentally fell onto a…mature magazine that someone had evidently dropped, he blushed like a bashful schoolboy who had been caught sneaking peeks in the girls' locker room, then averted his attention to his hands, which sat folded in his lap.

  That damned awkward silence was back.

  ----------------

  I felt profoundly flustered as Kurt and I stepped out of the hotel elevator and began to walk down the warmly lit hall toward our rooms. We had traveled the entire way back to the hotel in a virtual haze of discomfort and unease. I'd tried to break the tension occasionally by making random comments. This, for instance, was our "conversation" after we climbed out of the metro and began to walk along the street:

  Me: "That's a pretty building, isn't it?"

  Kurt: Grunt of assent

  Silence

  Me: "I like that woman's dress. What do you think?"

  Kurt: "Er…it's nice?"

  Me: "Well, of course that's what you'd say. You're a guy."

  Kurt: Raises eyebrows

  Silence Let me tell you, it was such a relief to finally reach the revolving doors of the hotel. Then again, it had meant another minute or two of solid awkwardness in the elevator. Kurt had appeared to be mulling something over, and I decided not to interrupt. Still, awkward silences are bad enough in normal places, but when one creeps up on you in an enclosed space where you can't escape from it, it's nearly unbearable. As Kurt and I finally stood in front of my door, I fished my key out of my purse, fully expecting Kurt to keep walking down the hall to his own room. I was therefore surprised by the gentle coughing noise that he made behind me. I turned around, finding him staring determinedly at the carpet. "Hm?" I inquired. Hesitantly, he lifted his head to look at me properly. As usual, the emotion in his hazel eyes was indiscernible, albeit strong. "Lotte," he began nervously. "I, um…well…thank you." "For what?" I asked. Kurt blushed furiously. "For sticking with me when I was…well, you know. It meant a lot to me. You know, to have someone there at a time like that." I smiled softly. "You're welcome." Slowly, he grinned. "Other than that, I had a nice time." "Ice cube fights are always a blast," I chuckled. He laughed along with me, though a bit uneasily. "Definitely." "Even though you have horrible aim." I nudged him in the ribs, desperately trying to melt the awkwardness with humor. Instead of laughing, Kurt glanced briefly at the spot where his poorly-thrown ice cube had landed, then became even redder than he had been, if that was even possible. "I…I'm really sorry about that…" he mumbled. "Don't worry about it," I responded lightheartedly. "All's fair in love and ice cube wars, right?" The corner of Kurt's mouth quirked upward, a sure sign that the tension was fading. I inwardly rejoiced. "Yeah." He shuffled his feet a bit, then smiled at me bashfully. "I really did enjoy spending time with you." I blushed. "Ditto." Suddenly, Kurt leaned in toward me. Mentally, I panicked. Was he going to kiss me? Did I want him to kiss me? Would I push him away if he did? Would I kiss him back? Why would he want to kiss me? HOLY FUCK, KURT IS GOING TO KISS ME! I closed my eyes, waiting for the impending world-shattering, panic-inducing, preconceived-notion-destroying kiss. Thank God it was on the cheek. Kurt's lips were surprisingly soft, and when he pulled away, I could feel my blush deepen. His eyes locked with mine but were once again unreadable. "Goodnight," he softly sighed. After a moment's hesitation, he shuffled off awkwardly toward his room, leaving me standing in the hall, my mouth hanging open, looking somewhat like a rather bewildered codfish. What the hell had just happened? ---------------- At a quarter to ten, Eden burst through the hotel room door in what seemed to be a state of absolute euphoria. "I think I'm in love," she gushed, doing a ballet-style twirl and flopping down on her bed. Brigid looked up from her magazine and chuckled. "I take it the date went well." Eden tucked her hands contentedly behind her head and beamed up at the ceiling. "More than well. It was absolutely…perfect." "Details, woman!" demanded Jane, poking her head out of the bathroom. "Lotte hasn't told us anything!" I glared at her, even though what she had said was true. From the time I had let myself into the room, I'd more or less just been sitting on my bed, looking confused. "Well," Eden began. "Dinner was lovely -" (this comment earned a snort from me) "- and afterward, Matt and I went for a walk together under the stars. We talked about everything - art, literature, religion, love…" She sighed. "It was all so romantic." "Did he kiss you?" Brigid asked, beginning to gain interest in the conversation. The combination of Eden's 1,000 watt smile and crimson cheeks answered the inquiry wordlessly. "Aw, Eden got her first kiss!" Jane cooed, flouncing out of the bathroom to pinch Eden's cheek grandmother-style. Eden batted her away. "Knock it off." "Yeah, Jane, you're killing the mood," I chortled. "Just let Eden bask in her romantic glow." Jane rounded on me. "All right, Lotte, then why don't you share with us what you thought of the date." Damn. I had been hoping to avoid that particular topic of conversation indefinitely. It was a shame that my friends were such busybodies. I bit my lower lip, trying to come up with an appropriate answer that wouldn't seem suspicious. "Er…it was…decent?"

  Brigid raised an eyebrow. "Decent?"

  I shrugged. "Sure."

  Looking at my friends' faces, I could te
ll that they were skeptical of my single-word replies. Well, Jane and Brigid were, anyway. Eden was too far off in la-la land to really take any notice of my odd behavior. Under normal circumstances, I probably would have confided in her, telling her about the…unexpected moment at the doorway with Kurt, but I decided not to bother her when she was on cloud nine.

  "Define 'decent,'" demanded Jane, knowing full-well that I was attempting to dance around the issue.

  Feeling a bit like a mouse cornered by a hungry house-cat, I attempted to use sarcasm as a way out of my predicament. "Should I get a dictionary for you?"

  She crossed her arms over her chest and continued to look at me expectantly. She knew I would eventually crack under her gaze.

  Heaving a sigh, I quickly ticked off the "notable moments" of the evening on my fingers. "We went to dinner, Kurt chucked an ice cube down my bra, Kurt ate grasshoppers, Kurt threw up, we came back. The end. Happy?"

  Naturally, I left out the little incident at the door. Although she let the issue go, Jane could sense that some part of my story was missing. After all, ice cubes and grasshoppers didn't explain my unusual behavior.

  Brigid, on the other hand, remained completely oblivious to my secrecy. "Could you repeat yourself, Lotte? I could have sworn that I heard you mention something about Kurt eating grasshoppers."

  I shrugged. "He did."

  Her eyes widened as she let out a loud laugh. "Seriously? On purpose?"

  "Ew, of course not." I wrinkled up my nose in disgust at the thought of anyone doing such a thing. Then again, the grasshoppers were on the menu, suggesting that someone had to have actually liked them.

  "Well?" asked Brigid eagerly.

  Realizing that she wanted me to elaborate, I began to explain how Kurt's unfortunate dining experience came about. "Well, Kurt didn't know what he wanted when we were at the restaurant, so he just sort of closed his eyes and pointed. His unlucky finger just happened to land on the grasshoppers."

  "And he didn't notice?" questioned Jane, raising an eyebrow.

  "It was in Spanish," I explained. "Matt actually speaks Spanish, but I guess he thought it would be funny if he didn't tell Kurt what he was ordering."