A Chancer

by Kelman, James

  Inside there were roulette tables and blackjack tables and one for craps but there was no chemin de fer being played, and no table set aside for it. Quite a lot of people were about, both sexes, the women standing mainly at the roulette wheels. Vi and Stan and the other two women were among them. Joe and Charlie had vanished. Tammas walked around for a few minutes but without seeing them. Eventually he stopped by one of the blackjack tables and after watching for a wee while he made a bet. Ten minutes later he had lost about half of what he had returned from the races with. He went to the coffee lounge.

  Some time later he looked up from next morning’s Daily Record. Vi was there. Thought you had left, she said, sitting down at the opposite side of the table.

  Naw. Sudden death in there! I just came out.

  She nodded.

  Too fast. You hardly have time to think.

  Mm, you’re telling me . . . She glanced around the room. After a moment she continued, Ann and Charlie are away home – still fighting.

  He smiled, lowered his gaze to the newspaper then added, I thought Joe told me they played poker in this place?

  They do but it’ll no be for a wee while yet. Vi yawned; she glanced at the page Tammas was reading and muttered. Horses horses horses – d’you think you could get me a coffee please?

  What – sorry, aye . . . he slapped the newspaper on the table surface as he rose but she shook her head: Dont bother.

  What?

  Dont bother I said, I dont want one.

  Tammas hesitated.

  I dont.

  He shrugged, sat back down. He took his cigarettes from his pocket and offered her one. She accepted it and then took the light from him. Did you lose at roulette? he asked.

  You must be joking. I dont have any money to lose at gambling. I only came to keep Milly company.

  Aw aye.

  Not that she ever wins. And then she’s going on at Joe for more money all the time; it gets embarassing.

  Are they married like?

  Vi laughed.

  He shrugged slightly and smiled. He gazed upwards in the direction of the electric wall clock.

  Are you playing poker? she asked.

  Who me, naw, no the night. He sniffed: What about you? what do you do? Do you wait till they’re finished or what?

  Finished! I’d be here all night! No, just till Stan’s lost his money at blackjack or roulette or whatever it is . . . She had gestured vaguely in the direction of the gaming room. Now she glanced at him: He’s my brother-in-law – alright?

  What?

  Vi frowned. I said he’s my brother-in-law. He follows me about like a guard dog. Anyways, she added, I wouldnt worry about it, I dont fancy getting done for babysnatching.

  Tammas was staring at her. She had opened her handbag and was looking in at the contents, her head bent to it. Then he was blushing; and he sniffed, inhaled on his cigarette. He shut the newspaper. I’m off eh . . . He stood to his feet. If you can tell Joe for me and that I’ll eh, see him again.

  Vi looked at him.

  Cheerio.

  Cheerio. She shrugged.

  •••

  Donnie was frowning. He looked round the table at the others. I dont know what we wanted to come here for anyhow, he said. He swivelled on his seat, stared across at the counter: I mean imagine going up to that bent shot behind the bar and asking for a set of dominoes! Eh? Can you imagine it! What a fucking dump!

  Rab laughed: A place is a dump if they dont play dominoes!

  Aye, well . . . Donnie raised his pint glass, swallowed the remainder of the lager. Then he placed the empty carefully in the centre of the table; he cleared a space round it amongst the ash and spilled beer.

  Hint hint, said Billy.

  Aye John come on for fuck sake, muttered Rab.

  What d’you mean?

  Donnie glanced at him. Dont tell me it’s to be this kind of fucking carry on! Tonight of all nights! My testimonial John – eh, fuck sake!

  As far as I knew we were having a kitty.

  Aye, said Rab, as soon as you weigh in with your round we’re getting one going.

  We still dont have to stay here, said Billy.

  Donnie glared at him. We’re no going to fucking start that again. We’re here and we’re staying. I didnt want to come here in the first place but I did, I did, and now I’m going to fucking stay – so sit on your arse.

  Tammas grinned. Come on man for Christ sake surely it makes a change from Simpson’s?

  Fuck all wrong with Simpson’s.

  We dont want you telling every cunt in New Zealand there’s only one pub in Scotland.

  Only one pint by the looks of it!

  Aye John for Christ sake!

  Come on John!

  Aye ya cunt ye get the round up.

  Fuck off! replied John but he got up and walked in the direction of the bar.

  Billy was looking roundabout and he said: Still and all but Donnie, nice to see a couple of birds once in a while. You must admit.

  Admit fuck all! What’s up with auld Mattie? Nice as looking a bird as you’ll see anywhere!

  Clatty Mattie! Rab gaped at him. Then he laughed: Hey, we should’ve brought her with us. Go down a bomb in here man – a couple of glass of eldee inside her and she’d be up on top of the bent shot’s bar doing tricks with a guiness bottle.

  Aw shut up for fuck sake!

  They were still laughing when John returned with the beer balanced on a circular tray which he set down. He began passing out the pints. You’ve no to go the bar for the bevy in future, he said, you’ve to get one of the waitresses. The barman told me.

  Aw John, you’re as good as a waitress any day!

  I’m just telling you what the guy says. I dont give two fucks what you do!

  You tell him, grinned Tammas.

  Billy said, It was your fault in the first place Tammas. You were supposed to be keeping notes on who was buying what.

  True.

  John had sat down on his seat. He swallowed the last of his old pint before saying, Nobody has to take notes about me. I’ll get my round in same as the next man. I’m no one of them . . . I’ve got my money and I dont fucking mind spending it! He reached for the new pint and drank from it.

  Heh! Billy frowned.

  Tammas nodded. The boy’s trying to tell us something.

  Quite right and all, said Rab. No wonder the country’s in the state it is with cunts like yous two walking about.

  Lazy pair of bastards, said Donnie.

  I wasnt fucking meaning that, cried John.

  What were you meaning then? asked Tammas.

  No that anyway.

  Ha ha.

  John glared at him: I wasnt, I fucking wasnt.

  Billy said: Aye you were ya cunt.

  Naw I wasnt.

  Tell the truth, said Rab.

  What d’you mean fucking . . . !

  That’s it! yelled Donnie. What is it with yous fucking mob! This is my last night, my last night, my last bastarn fucking night. And I’m no going to sit and fucking listen to this! Either you shut up or I’m going. I’m no kidding ye I’ll be fucking offski.

  Quite right too, said Tammas.

  Aye . . . Rab nodded. It’s that cunt John’s fault.

  What d’you mean! Look . . .

  Look fuck all! cried Donnie.

  Towards the end of the evening Donnie had gone to the lavatory. In the middle of the table lay some untouched drinks but none where he was sitting. Rab said, Aye, that’s one thing about the Donnie fellow, he never falls behind with the bevy. Another thing, he hardly fucking shows it. I mean I’ve seen the cunt drinking I dont know how many pints and see at eleven o’clock!

  Billy nodded. Sober . . . He pointed at Tammas: He’s the same.

  Tammas! Rab gazed at Billy, shaking his head. You must be fucking joking!

  Tammas laughed.

  Rab was wagging a finger at him. Is he fuck the same as Donnie, he just plays it wide, he takes one to our fucki
ng two. You have to take notes with the cunt. Exact same at school as well so he was. I mean dont let him fucking con you Billy. Listen, how many rounds we had?

  I dont know.

  Ten, murmured John. He sat stiffly forwards on his chair.

  Rubbish, away back to sleep!

  He is, said Tammas. Look! Hey John, are you awake or what?

  Ach I’m just . . . He shook his head.

  Rab continued to Billy: Naw, dont tell me about Tammas man cause I know, I know.

  What d’you know! Billy winked at Tammas who was laughing.

  And Rab grunted: No point fucking winking Billy no point fucking winking; cause that’s you beat before you’ve even started, eh Tammas?

  Where’s fucking Donnie? that’s what I want to know.

  Terrible, said John, we’re splitting up, we’re all splitting up, we’re all fucking splitting up.

  He’s like a record player the cunt, muttered Rab.

  John shook his head: It’ll never be the same again but.

  He’s right, said Billy.

  Thank fuck . . . Tammas grinned.

  Ya bastard! frowned Rab. I fucking hate you when you say things like that.

  So do I, said Billy and he winked at Tammas again.

  And Rab shook his head: He thinks I dont see him winking . . .

  Here’s the cunt now, said Tammas.

  Were you away for a shite? cried Billy.

  Shut up ya bastard. Donnie glanced about as he sat down on his seat. I hope yous mob havent been causing a disturbance with the fucking lieges!

  Billy laughed.

  What’s he fucking talking about! cried Rab.

  Lieges, said John.

  Ah Donnie Donnie Donnie, it’ll break my heart to see you away. Tammas pursed his lips and sighed: New Zealand by fuck! That’s terrible, terrible.

  Rab was nodding and he turned to Billy: See what I mean? That’s it been said now – Tammas, Tammas has said it. Eh? Hey Tammas come on ya bastard we’ve got to shake hands with you cause of that, eh?

  Tammas put his hand out and they shook, then he did likewise with John and Billy.

  Rab was saying: Donnie, you’re a bastard. What you going away for?

  I’m no going away.

  Aye you are, fucking New Zealand.

  You’re going away as well.

  Aye but fucking England, that’s all man, Hull City.

  It’s just down the road he’s going, said Billy. No like you man, you’re going fucking thousands of miles away.

  Two days to get there, said John.

  Donnie laughed briefly. I’ll be back, dont worry. Old Firm games, Wembley and all that. Fuck sake! Think I’m going to miss the England match! We’ll take 6 off them.

  Aye but what you going away for? asked Billy. There’s no need for it. No when you think about it, no really. I mean you’ve got a good fucking job man and you like it here.

  It’s no as simple as that, fuck sake!

  The family and that, said Rab. Eh Donnie?

  Donnie shrugged.

  Is it cause of your family? asked John.

  Donnie shrugged again.

  Tammas opened his cigarette packet and offered to the others: Tell you something, he said, I fancy it. New Zealand. Bags of sun and that.

  Aye but there’s no betting shops! Billy laughed. Got to give your bets to the fucking barber!

  Numbers racket, said John.

  Donnie grinned, pointing at him.

  Tammas exhaled smoke, shaking his head: Can you imagine it but? lying on the beach all day, big blondes and bottles of bacardi.

  There he goes! cried Rab.

  Naw but no kidding man, no more fucking signing on at the shitey fucking broo. Christ sake. White sands and blue skies. Clear water to swim in. No coats or fuck all and the women all walking about in scanty clad bikinis. Nude fucking swimming at midnight.

  Pubs shut at six o’clock, said Billy.

  Do they fuck, replied Donnie.

  Well that’s what I heard.

  You’re thinking of Australia.

  Billy shrugged. Same thing.

  Naw it’s fucking no man.

  Tammas shook his head. Who cares? Forget it.

  Forget it? Donnie frowned.

  Rab began speaking: My auld man, he was telling me they’ve all got their own basements in their houses and every basement’s got its own wee bar. And that includes gantries and all sorts of bevy, barrels of beer man, the lot.

  Fucking hell.

  Some of them’ve even got pool tables built in man, fucking saunas and all that.

  Tammas was nodding. That’s right, he said, I read about that in a book the other night. Canada it was but.

  Canada! Donnie stared at him.

  Billy burst out laughing, spluttering half a mouthful of beer across the table.

  Donnie frowned at Rab: You trying to take the piss ya cunt?

  Who me! No me!

  Cause I’m no in a fucking mood to be trifled with man I mean this is my testifuckingmonial, my testifuckingmonial!

  Billy whispered: Ssshh. Too loud man.

  Too loud! My last night! Donnie glanced at Tammas and grinned. What’s up with that cunt! I cant even get talking loud on my last night man, eh?

  Disgrace!

  What time is it? said John.

  Time! Donnie frowned: Aye, right enough . . . And he swivelled on his seat, signalled to a waitress. But either she did not hear him or else she was ignoring him. He called: Hey Miss . . .

  You’re too late . . . Billy gestured at a wall clock: It’s away past time.

  What?

  Five past eleven.

  These pub clocks are always fucking bammy but.

  Rab pointed at his wristwatch: This isnt.

  Here, said Tammas, lifting a three-quarters full pint of lager from the middle of the table.

  John had started up from his seat. That’s mine Tammas!

  Ah John, surely you’re no going to grudge it to the boy on his testimonial?

  Naw, course I’m no! John sat back down: Welcome . . . you’re welcome.

  I really appreciate that, replied Donnie. He stared at the pint and then began to drink it all in a go. When he had finished he burped loudly. We better be getting a move on anyway, he added. That auld man of mine’s got a couple of his cronies coming up. So’s the young sister ya dirty bastards any nonsense and yous’re out the door!

  The other four roared.

  I’m warning yous! Donnie placed both hands on the edge of the table and he cried: And another thing, the maw’s cooking a big feed. Know what like she is and all that, a couple of pots of mince and tatties or something so yous better be ready! And spewing in the lavvy’s barred!

  Donnie Donnie Donnie . . . Tammas reached across the table to shake hands with him.

  Donnie laughed and he shook hands with each one of them. Then the waitress had appeared and was lifting all the empty glasses onto her tray. Well after time boys, she said.

  Sorry Miss.

  Sorry.

  When she had gone Rab muttered, It’s fucking out of order but – spent a fortune in here so we have.

  Donnie nodded. One question and one question only: would it have happened in Simpson’s?

  You’re fucking right, muttered Billy.

  At least we’re entitled to sit, said John. I mean we are, we’re at least fucking entitled to sit!

  Tammas nodded. John’s right, we’re entitled.

  Fucking right we are.

  Aye, we’re entitled. Tammas folded his arms and sat back on his seat.

  Aye. Rab was smiling. We definitely are fucking entitled. The boy’s quite right.

  He is that, said Tammas. Hey John – you’re entitled.

  Billy and Donnie were laughing.

  Tammas glanced at Rab: Dont know what they’re laughing about when the boy’s entitled!

  Aye but are you sure he’s entitled?

  Course he is. Hey John, sure you’re entitled?

  Fuck of
f.

  Ah leave him alone! cried Donnie. He’s just gave me his last pint!

  Rab shouted: Keep the fucking glass for a souvenir!

  TIME GENTLEMEN PLEASE.

  Listen to the bent shot! said Donnie, glaring in the direction of the bar.

  Still and all . . . Billy raised his pint glass to his mouth: We’re about the last yins here. Better drink up.

  Rab reached for his but Tammas passed what was left of his over to Donnie and said: Seeing you’re no everybody!

  That goes for me too, said Rab and he poured his into the other glass.

  Thanks lads. Donnie lifted the near full pint and he gazed at it, and he rose to his feet. Watch closely! Tilting his head back he swallowed the beer in a oner; he wiped his mouth with the cuff of his sleeve and then burped and added, I hope yous mob are taking notes.

  Billy laughed. No bother to the Donnie fellow!

  I wish to make a speech!

  No wonder! said Tammas.

  John started to applaud and the other three joined him in it.

  Donnie grinned. Thank you friends it’s highly appreciated. I have got to say that in all my years kicking a ball about this is the first fucking testimonial I’ve had and I can tell you I’d just like to say how pleased I am.

  Hurrehhh.

  Hurrehhh.

  Three cheers for the boy!

  On you go the Donnie fellow!

  The Donnie fellow’s a dancer!

  Hip hip!

  HHUURREEHH.

  Right yous: The barman had arrived at the table. That’ll do, he said, or the polis’ll be in here in a minute. And you dont want to end up getting huckled now eh?

  Give us a kiss, said Donnie.

  A silence followed. John spoke first. He said to the barman: Do you know how much we’ve spent in here the night!

  What did he say there? The barman was staring at Donnie.

  Nothing.

  He didnt say anything, replied Billy.

  Give us a kiss, said Rab.

  Aw naw . . .

  Right then! cried the barman and he turned and strode towards the door that separated the lounge bar from the public bar.