Letters To Luca

by M. R. Joseph

  “So how’s Matt?”

  “Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about? Are you drunk?”

  “Yep.” Why lie, it’s true. I’m just about three sheets to the wind.

  “I’m not having this conversation with you, Luca. Leave me alone.”

  “No way. I want details.” I bring my body closer to hers, my fingertips find her jaw and I trace it. I lick my lower lip like I’m some kind of sick and twisted bastard, raise my eyebrows up and down, then wink at her. She slaps my hand away and pulls out of my grip.

  “Go to hell, Luca.”

  “Oh honey, been there, done that… and you for that matter.” Now my words are slurred, and I’m a mess.

  “Now come on tell me, does Mr. Public Relations fuck you as good as I did? I saw him on TV. Quite the looker, Leighton. You done good.”

  This isn’t me speaking. I’m not sure who this is, who I am.

  She gets in the closest way possible to me and sharply pokes at my chest.

  “First of all, you son of a bitch, it’s none of your business who I fuck anymore, and second, how do you know who I’m fucking? Maybe since I’m a well-known author and on the market there’s more than one.” She flips her hair off her shoulder and raises her nose to the open air.

  Oh now she did it. My bloods boiling and I go right back to despising her for that comment.

  “Back on the market, ha, good one. Just make sure when a guy’s in the market, he sees the sign that’s hanging around your neck that says bitch and a lousy lay.” I stand there, panting like an animal, I can see my breath rush out in the night air, and I wait for it, the slap, the punch to the face, the stomach, a knee to the balls, whatever, but it never comes. All that comes is a tight lipped smile on her face.

  “Well, at least I can say that I didn’t peak in high school!”

  “You bitch!”

  “I hate you!”

  “Feeling’s mutual.”

  “Go fuck yourself!”

  “My pleasure!” Wait, what did I just say? Never mind.

  She storms back into the house, and I follow right behind, my feet are itching to get out of here as quickly as I can. I go and find James so I can ask him to give me a ride home when I see everyone’s quiet and Wes is standing in the middle of the room with his arm around Kenzie. He looks over to me and Leighton, and we both look like we’ve been through a war. Our noses red from the cold, cheeks flushed, eyes glassy. If you were to look at us from the outside, we look like we just had a crazy make out session instead of spewing our hatred of each other.

  “Oh good, Luca and Leighton are back inside now so I can say what I wanted to say.”

  Wes is such a great guy and I assume he’s going to say thank you to everyone at once for coming to his… then he drops to one knee. Holy shit.

  “Mackenzie Patricia Carpenter, even though you didn’t know it, I have loved you for a long time, when you were a nerdy, freshman at Penn State with my sister, I knew as soon as I saw you in your jean overalls, I had to make you mine. Will you do me the greatest honor and be my partner in crime, the love of my life, the mother of my babies, and be by my side forever. Please, be my wife, marry me, Kenzie.”

  “Fuck a duck.” Everyone goes from crying to laughing as Kenzie says her famous tag line. “Of course, I’ll marry you.” Wes pulls out a black velvet box from his pocket, opens it, and Kenzie gasps along with every other female in the room. He slides it on her finger then jumps into his arms. The guests clap and one by one go to them to congratulate the happy couple.

  I am frozen in place thinking that it should be us planning a future together. Leighton’s back is to me and I can see her shoulders rising and falling with each deep breath she takes. That should be us standing there. I should be the one quoting a sonnet to her, asking her to be my wife, but she screwed up, actually… we both did.

  And it’s too late to fix it.

  I find James, ask him to take me home, he doesn’t question me, but gives Grace a look that tells her it would be best if he took me home. I make my way to Wes and Kenzie to say my goodbyes and to congratulate them.

  “Guys, I um… I have to go, too much to drink, but I’m really happy for you guys.” I give them both a hug.

  “Luca, wait, don’t go, please.”

  “No, Kenzie, I really need to go, but thanks for having me.”

  It takes all of my will and strength not to turn and look at her before I go, before I walk out that door. But I do it.

  I stumble into James’s car and stare out the window at Wes’s house. James gets in, starts the car and drives away. We head down towards home and things stay silent. My best friend doesn’t even ask me what my problem is and it’s pissing me off.

  “Aren’t you going to ask me why I wanted to leave?”

  “Nope.”

  “Nope?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Why not?”

  “Cause dick head, I already know what the problem is.”

  “Oh really, you’re so fucking smart, tell me then.”

  “Sure, fuck up, I’ll tell you. It has something to do with a certain dark haired celebrity author that smashed your heart to pieces.” He squeezes his fingers together and squints his eye. “The one you can’t seem to forgive for loving you just a bit too much.”

  “If she loved me, she wouldn’t have done what she did, and now she’s the fool, not me.”

  “No one’s a fool here, Luc, maybe you’re a drunken fool tonight, but that’s about it.”

  My head is pounding. I need Advil and my bed. We become silent again and the image of her in bed with that Matt character has me sick to my stomach. Not from the alcohol, although this car ride is not helping. I close my eyes and imagine his hands on her, gripping her thick, dark hair, kissing her, touching her, making love to her like I used to do.

  “Pull over James, now!” He swings the car to the side of the road, I open the door and heave whatever I had in my stomach. I close the door, swipe at my mouth with my hand.

  “You ok, man?”

  “Fine. Did you know she’s fucking that Matt guy we saw on T.V.?”

  James starts to go into a fit of laughter, and I’m really confused as to why he’s laughing like a hyena.

  “What the hell is your problem?”

  “Oh God, really? You are such an ass my friend. I love you but you are an ass.”

  Now I’m mad.

  “Why am I an ass?”

  “Did she tell you she was fucking that guy?”

  I try to remember, but I had a lot to drink, and I’m not sure she did.

  “I don’t remember. I’m drunk, asshole.”

  “Well, what I’m about to tell you will sober you up. He’s gay.”

  “Who’s gay?”

  “Matt’s gay.”

  “Good looking P.R. guy Matt is gay? You sure?”

  “As sure as shit. Grace told me. Leighton told her.”

  “Like gay, gay? Like he likes guys, not girls, gay?”

  “There’s only one kind and he is it. They became close and he actually told Leighton right off the bat he was.”

  “Well fuck me sideways.”

  We pull up to my house and we both get out. I walk up to my porch, a little off balance, and he starts to walk up the steps to his.

  “Luc, you know you fucked it up this time, right?”

  “I did, didn’t I?” He just nods and makes his way upstairs. I walk into my place alone. It’s dark, I’m starting to sober up a bit and that’s when it hits me, I have nothing to make me feel better, no letters, no smile, or crinkled up nose. I really lost her. I lost the love of my life.

  That dumb son of a bitch. He thinks I’m sleeping with Matt. Matt is so gay, the first time he tried to have sex with a girl, he vomited all over her because it made him feel dirty. Can you imagine? We have actually become great friends, buddies, shopping partners, and he’s a wonderful guy. He knows all about asshole and what happened between us. Matt and his boyfriend
John broke up over the summer, so we have lots in common.

  “So let me get this straight¸ you told him you were sleeping with Matt, or said you were sleeping with multiple people?”

  Grace, Wes, M.J., Ryan and I are sitting around Wes’s living room talking about what happened tonight. Grace asks me what I said to Luca.

  “Not exactly. I may have led him to believe I was, and also sleeping with multiple people.”

  “Oh for Christ’s sake, Leightybug, why’d you go and do something like that?”

  “Well, big brother, revenge. Plain and simple. That’s what he gets for leaving me in that hotel room with a goodbye note. Tonight was it for me. Drunk or not drunk, he’s an ass and I wasted a hell of a lot of time on him.”

  “And at least you’re making money off the ass, am I right?” I’m not a fan of her tone right now.

  “Whose side are you on, Kenzie?”

  “Yours of course, but let’s be real, you are benefitting from this. Deny it all you want but it’s the truth.”

  She is right, and it makes me feel like shit.

  “I didn’t mean to, I was a stupid kid turned stupid adult. It doesn’t matter. We hate each other.”

  Why are they all looking at each other smiling? What am I missing?

  “You know he came in for a new tattoo about two months ago. Ryan did it, and I designed it.”

  “Not sure I care or want to know what it was Molly Jo.”

  “Well maybe you can make sense of it because he wouldn’t tell us what it meant.”

  I let out an exasperated breath. “Fine. What is it, a picture of himself, an asshole?”

  “No actually it was some kind of phrase. Ryan what did it say?”

  “It was over his heart and it said: The one whose heart you hold. I did it in script. Looks good.”

  “You know what it means, Leighton?”

  At this point I really can’t get my head around why he did that. I can ask them exactly when he did it, I can count and figure if it was before or after New York, or I can just wonder when. Those words are now permanently etched on his skin, above his heart. I once resided in there, but I ruined it. I want to run to him, ask him why, tell him how much I’m still in love with him. He owns me, rules me, lives beneath my skin. Now my words are there, on his.

  I’m leaving today. I have to get back and prepare for the book release. My parents and Wes are coming to Philadelphia for Christmas this year. My parents and the Carpenters are going to meet and discuss wedding plans. My best friend is going to be my sister-in-law. Coolest thing in the world. Before I leave I need to get my fill of my beloved banana pancakes. Grace and I sit and order. We sip our coffee and I wait for her to say something else about last night.

  “Luca threw up on the way home last night from the party.”

  “So.” I say cockily.

  “So, did you know he had no idea Matt was gay. James said he was hysterically laughing at him and a few minutes later… blahhh, all over the side of his car. I wish I was there to see that.”

  “Well I didn’t make it easy for him. I have to move on, Grace. I know I’ve said it before, but in New York, it was different. It felt different, like a hello and a goodbye. I don’t want to feel like that again. I don’t want to hurt like that again. I want to feel something else besides pain.”

  She looks over my shoulder like she spots someone. I look at her puzzled for a second.

  “So you want to feel something besides pain huh, well how about getting your adrenaline going? Val Kelly just sat down with the cheerleaders.”

  “That bitch. Screw the banana pancakes, Gracie. She’s all mine.”

  Val Kelly is the reason I’m this way. Why I lost Luca. I would have eventually told him, and probably lost him anyway, but I can’t let what she did get swept under the rug. I get up from my seat, feel my gut clench, and finally feel like I grew a set of oversized man balls. I make my way over to her table.

  “Val, a word if you don’t mind.”

  She looks up from her half decaf, mocha, caramel whatever and pouts and waves her hand in front of her.

  “Well, well, if it isn’t Miss Brianna Maxwell gracing us with her presence. How’s life treating you, Brianna?”

  “The name is Leighton, and life is just fine. Would you care to step outside so we can talk like grown women?”

  “Oh I bet life is just fine. So you have everything you have ever wanted, huh? Fame, fortune, but the one thing you have always wanted, you couldn’t hold onto now, could you? Poor Luca. I’m so glad I was there to pick up the pieces of your horrible breakup. He was in my bed faster than you can say ‘do me’. Such a shame things didn’t work out. But I must tell you, I reap the benefits of your sorted, broken love affair.”

  “You’re a fucking liar, Val. You skank.” Grace fires at her.

  “Grace, please, I’ve got this.”

  Val stands up and comes towards me. We are face to face. Her big fake boobs mere inches from my chest, and I loathe this woman.

  “You haven’t got a thing. Your selfishness made you lose Luca, not me. Know what he calls out to me when he’s fucking me in his bed? I’ll tell you, that I’m the best he’s ever had, that you were a dead fish in bed, then we laugh at your expense. You’re a joke, Leighton. Always have been, always will be, and I will always be smarter, prettier, and better for Luca in oh so many more ways than you could ever be. You are a loser.” She makes that ridiculous ‘L’ on her forehead with her fingers and I think I’ve had just about enough of this bitch. So what do I do? I pop her right in the nose with my fist.

  Blood squirts out, and reaches so far it hits the cheerleaders. They scream from the sight of Val’s blood and I hit her so hard she falls back into the booth, grasps her friends’ arms, spreading the blood around even further. The cheerleaders squirm out of their seats and slip. They both fall, Val tries to get up, she falls on the blood on the floor and it looks like the God damn Texas Chainsaw Massacre in here. And what do I do? I try and help her up. Dumb ass. I know. She shoo’s my hand away and I put my hands up to say I give up. The manager comes over, tells us to leave, and I have the gonads to ask for a to-go box for my pancakes. I’m not leaving here without them.

  For once in my life, I stuck up for myself, and I’m pretty damn proud. I feel satisfied, but the feeling won’t last. I know that tomorrow I’ll face reality, yet again. Luca won’t be in my life like I want him to be. He will always be friends with my brother, and from my friends and family living here, we’ll run into each other, it’s the inevitable.

  I have to go on with my life. Let new chapters be written, open up the pages, write the words that will tell the tale of my ups and downs, my triumphs, my tragedies, like my poetic heroes who I have learned to cherish. I will live my life by pouring my soul into moving on, but Luca will always be a part of me and like that cheesy song says, ‘My heart will go on’. I know, it’s cliché, but there has to be some truth behind it. I’ll find my way, and it will be my punishment that Luca won’t be there beside me when I do.

  Another summer is here. Time for Lucky’s to get busy again. Over these past seven months I’ve tried my best to be the person I was before. The happy go lucky guy who works his ass off, spends quality time with his family, friends, co-workers, but I’m not the same man. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I haven’t been the same person since she left. This is the third time I am living without her. The first was when her letters stopped, then when I found out about her letters, the third was when I left her in New York last fall. That’s three. I can’t even count what happened last November. She was already out of my life. I forced her to go. I turned into someone I didn’t know that night. I’m not the guy who does the hurting, I’m the one who gets hurt, and I hurt her, but I’m trying my best. I really am.

  I try not to watch any news reports on Leighton or read about her in magazines. I try not to look at our local paper when there’s an article on how a small town girl made it big in the literary world. I sold th
e quad in March to Wes as an investment property. James still lives there. Day after day I would look at the empty place next store to me, wishing it was filled by her. I couldn’t stand looking at it much longer. That’s why I sold it, truth be told.

  I bought a house on the bay not too far away from 57th Street. It’s a modest home. It didn’t need much work. What it did need, I did myself. It has a dock attached to it. I bought a pontoon boat and on my days off I take it out. I fish off of it, dock it near one of the restaurants, meet up with friends. I take Papa out on it every chance I get. Her name doesn’t come up to often anymore when I’m with him, and I can tell he knows my sadness. I am sad, I’m not afraid to admit it. There’s a hole in my heart, and I’m having trouble filling it.

  James and Grace are going strong which is good. I don’t see much of them since I moved but I see James at work. Our baseball team made it to the state championship, and we won. It was the highlight of my year. Kind of. I think the highlight was when the superintendent of school’s wife caught Val blowing her husband in his office. She ripped Val’s hair extensions right out of her head, and within days, she was fired. She works at Hooters in Elkton now I think.

  Fab graduated from high school. He’ll be going to a college in Delaware in the fall to major in criminal justice. I’m proud of him.

  Adrianna is home for the summer. Her show ended and in the fall she will be back in New York for a new show she’ll be dancing in. She’s working for me again, or for her, hardly working. The dinner rush will be starting in an hour and she’s got her feet plopped up on a table and she’s reading a book. I walk over to her pissed off as usual.

  “Would you like to get up now and get ready for customers to come in?”

  “Yeah, yeah, after this chapter.”

  I grab the book from her hands and slam it down on the table. Then I see what’s she’s reading.

  “What the hell? Why are you reading this? I thought I asked you not to read her stuff in here.”

  “Sorry but she’s my friend and I’m supporting her by reading it.”

  “Well tough shit. It’s banded from this place. Read that on your own time.”