by Croix, J. H.
“I forgot how much I loved it here,” Cade said gruffly, his gaze coming back to land on me.
“I haven’t been here since the last time I came with you.”
My words came out husky, and emotion pressed hot tears in my eyes and tightened like a band around my heart. The intensity of the feeling crashed over me suddenly. I’d tried so hard—so, so hard—not to dwell on him when he was gone. I’d clung to my anger like the lifeboat it had been. Without it, I’d likely have fallen to pieces inside. Sadly, my resolute determination to keep thoughts of him at bay—which if I were being honest with myself had completely failed—led to me shutting out any conversation about him and the glaring reality I’d never allowed myself to find out the truth of what had happened. I’d also avoided certain places—places that were tied too tightly to my memories of him. This was one of them. This officially nameless spot that we’d dubbed Again Beach because we used to go here again and again.
Here we were—again—my first visit after seven years away. It was fitting, of course, that I was with Cade. He watched me quietly, his eyes darkening with concern.
“You really haven’t been here since then?”
His question felt quiet and heavy with the portent of what my words meant.
I swallowed and bit my lip, shaking my head quickly before snapping my eyes away. It was almost too much, too intense, to look at him. When I felt emotional like this, not a common thing for me, I felt vulnerable and exposed. Even worse, I’d fought so hard to build up my emotional armor after the way things ended with him. I could see where my own stubbornness had become my worst enemy, but newly developed awareness didn’t erase time or the defenses I’d developed to learn how to cope.
His thumb brushed across my bottom lip, and I flicked my gaze back to him.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked.
I nodded, a tad too rapidly. I forced myself to take a slow breath, my shoulders sagging when I let it out.
“Yes and no,” I finally said. “Yes, because it’s so good to have you home and to have you here. No, because I feel like an idiot for getting so pissed off before and not giving us some time to talk.”
His eyes were considering. After a beat, he lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “It sucks, but we were both pretty stubborn. I could’ve tried a little harder to push it. It sure as hell didn’t help that I was so far away for so long. We can’t change the past.” He paused, his gaze turning inward as if considering what he meant to say. “I took your advice.”
My confusion must have shown on my face because he continued quickly. “I told Shannon to go to hell.”
I burst out laughing. “Oh my God! Really? How’d she take it?”
“I don’t think she was too happy, but I didn’t give her much chance to talk. There’s nothing to talk about. Honestly…” He paused, his hand dropping to grip mine. “I don’t know what the fuck her deal is. She was never my favorite friend of yours back in the day, but did I miss something? There was never anything there with us that I noticed. Next thing I know she’s hopping in bed and you’re storming out. I haven’t talked to her since I told her to fuck off before.” The furrow in his brow cleared, and he grinned. “Maisie’s default bitch mode was helpful. She wouldn’t let Shannon out back at the station—thank fucking God—and then offered to kick her ass if I needed her to. Oh, and she told me she knows how to fight.”
I laughed so hard, tears rolled down my cheeks. When I caught my breath, I looked back at Cade. “Normally, I’d wonder if you were exaggerating, but with Maisie, I don’t doubt it for a second.” I scrubbed the end of my sleeve on my cheeks and took a deep breath, savoring the crisp ocean air. “I don’t know what Shannon’s deal is. Honestly, I put up a firewall around conversations about you after what happened. Shannon and I never talked again. I’ll have to ask Lucy what she knows. You’d think I’d be wondering, but having you back is taking up all my head space, so…” I ended with a shrug, flushing at his direct gaze.
He eased his grip on my hand and rested both of his on my hips. “So we’re good? You’re not freaked out about her pulling this bullshit today?”
I wanted to shrug it off. If none of this involved my heart, I’d have been able to say it was fine. As it was, my heart was so tangled up with Cade, it was impossible to shrug anything off. I could tell myself intellectually that I should feel okay, and I did. Mostly.
I felt as if he was looking inside my head, or perhaps my heart. His eyes scanning my face, his shoulders rose and fell with a breath. “I fucking hate that you would even worry all because she pulled that stunt. You know I had nothing to do with her, right? Nothing,” he said vehemently.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, feeling bad that I still had these weird insecurities. It wasn’t just what Cade told me, but now that I’d stopped shutting out any and all talk related to him, it was pretty clear there’d never been anything to him and Shannon. Yet, old habits died hard. The perceived betrayal had scored me so deeply, the pain was still there. I looked back at him and saw nothing but fierce tenderness in his gaze, so I shoved those stupid, clingy insecurities away. “I know, I know. Just like you couldn’t stand to see me anywhere near Earl even though you knew there was nothing going on, it’s hard to know Shannon’s around because I don’t know what she might do. It’s not really a rational thing.”
He nodded slowly, his mouth curling at one corner in a wry smile. “No, ‘spose not.”
I took another breath and gave myself a mental shake. “No need to keep talking about it. Seeing as I’m not rational about it, that doesn’t really help,” I said with a soft laugh.
“You sure? Because I’ll talk all day and all night if it would help.”
I knew by the look in his eyes, he would. Knowing Cade, usually armored with his don’t give a damn attitude, I loved that I got to see the other side of him. He wasn’t much of a talker. He was all action.
“I’m sure.” I lifted a hand and traced along his jawline.
His eyes darkened, and he slid his hands up my waist, brushing past the sides of my breasts. My breath hitched and heat pooled low in my belly.
“Good because I don’t really want to talk about her anymore,” he said, his gravelly voice sending hot shivers over my skin.
With my pulse skittering wildly, I let my gaze coast over him. Sweet hell. It was too much. Beyond the blatant, fiery desire I felt for him, he was about as alpha masculine as a man could get and not be obnoxious about it. He sat there, inches away from me, in his faded black jeans that fit his muscled legs like a glove, his black t-shirt paired with his black leather jacket. With his rumpled brown curls and hooded green gaze on me, I figured I might as well just melt right here. I could feel the slick heat between my thighs and my heart thudding against my ribs.
After a beat, he stroked his palm around my back, tangling his hand in my hair and fitting his mouth over mine. In a flash, the heated, still moment went up in a burst of flames. Kissing him was like tumbling into madness. His kisses were rough and wet, soft and gentle, and everything all at once—sweeping his tongue in for deep strokes, pulling back and catching my bottom lip in his teeth, tracing my mouth with his tongue. All the while, his hands were busy toying with my nipples, adjusting the angle of our kiss to trail a blaze of wet fire down my neck and into the V of my t-shirt. He leaned back long enough to shove my shirt down and flick the clasp on my bra. My breasts bounced free, and I groaned when he leaned forward and drew a nipple into his mouth. The suction alone nearly made me climax.
With him, I was always teetering on the edge, chasing the sharp bite of pleasure. When he turned his attention to my other breast, my nipple a tight bead of expectation, I cried out sharply and buried my hands in his hair, needing something to hold onto. The contrasting cool air hitting my damp skin only notched the heat inside higher.
I hadn’t realized I’d all but straddled his lap on the motorcycle until the sound of a vehicle approaching nudged me out of my wild daze. Cade heard the sound at the sam
e time I did and lifted his head, quickly tugging my shirt up. I glanced down and bit back a laugh. My damp nipples were easily visible through my t-shirt, while my bra was askew. He eased back from me in the nick of time, creating barely enough space between us to pass as decent, when a battered truck rolled through the trees into the clearing by the water.
Cade caught my eyes, a sly gleam in his. “Walk?”
I shook my head.
“No walk? But this is the first time we’ve been back here.”
The occupants of the truck climbed out, two men wearing fishing waders. They waved as they walked by after gathering fishing gear from the back of the truck. They disappeared out of sight momentarily when they walked down the steep path along the small bluff to the water. Within moments, they were casting their lines.
Alone again, I glanced back to Cade, my body humming from his closeness. “No walk,” I said, leaning forward until my lips were brushing against his with my words.
The heat of his hands sliding up my thighs nearly made me tackle him right there. “Rain check on the walk only if you promise we’ll come back soon,” he murmured against my lips.
It took all of my willpower to contain myself, but I really wasn’t up for giving the two fishermen a show.
“Promise,” I whispered.
Cade pushed back on the seat and swung his leg over, quickly handing over my helmet, while he put his own on. In seconds, the engine of his bike rumbled to life, that low, throaty growl I associated solely with him even when I heard it from a distance and knew he was nowhere near.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cade
I leaned my head against the headboard and glanced over to the bathroom. Amelia stood in the doorway brushing her teeth.
“When’d you say you had to go to Fairbanks?” she asked, her question surprisingly clear amidst the tooth brushing.
Before I answered, she spun around and ran the faucet while she rinsed. I figured there wasn’t much better than Amelia walking around bare-ass naked while she got ready for bed. I was let down when she snagged one of my t-shirts and tossed it over her head before crawling in bed beside me.
“You didn’t answer me,” she said as she adjusted the blankets and grabbed the remote.
“Day after tomorrow,” I said as she settled against my side, hooking her foot over my calf and idly tapping the remote against my chest.
We’d made it home after our ride to Turnagain Arm to stumble inside and tear each other’s clothes off. After a quick meal of leftover pizza, we’d showered. I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of her against me.
“How long?” came her next question.
“Three days,” I replied, opening my eyes and glancing down at her.
“I suppose it’s not helpful for me to complain, huh?” she asked, her mouth curling in a rueful grin.
I chuckled. “You can complain. It won’t change my job. Once I get through these state mandated certifications, I’ll only be taking off when I have to respond to a fire.”
She sighed and rolled her head to look toward the television. In the few weeks I’d been staying with her, we’d fallen into our old habit of watching a few shows at night. As good as things felt, I sensed a thread of uncertainty emanating from her about me traveling. I understood it because I felt it too. Everything was so fresh, still on shaky ground as if a jolt at the wrong time could rattle us far more than it should.
I sifted my fingers through her hair.
“I know,” she said softly.
After a few minutes, her breathing evened out. I slowly pulled the remote out of her hand and set it on the nightstand before reaching to flick the lamp off. I eased down into the pillows. She never woke, her body adjusting to my motion and sinking against me.
* * *
I looked down at the landscape below. I’d finished my third day of training in Fairbanks, three days of boring, administrative crap. I thrived in my job, loved just about all aspects of it. I didn’t mean that I loved putting myself or my crew in danger, but I knew what it meant, so I did it. The one and only thing I didn’t like about my job was the admin side of things. I missed Amelia like crazy and wanted to get back to Willow Brook yesterday.
We’d been about to hop on a return plane when I got the call my crew was called out for a rotation on a fire in the Alaskan Interior. Alaska had so many vast swaths of forest, a number of fires were simply managed as there was nothing to worry about. This fire was moving fast and headed straight toward a cluster of small communities in the Interior.
The mountains on the outskirts of Fairbanks receded in the distance as the land gradually shifted into vistas of forest interspersed with fields. I glanced to the pilot.
“Any idea how long before we reach the fire?” I asked.
The pilot, a jovial man named Fred Banks, kept his eyes trained ahead. “I’d say we’ve got another half hour. I’ll set us down in a lake nearby. When I was out here the other day, they had their main station set up there. You spent much time in Alaska?”
“Oh yeah. Born here. Grew up in Willow Brook.”
Fred glanced my way, flashing a grin, his blue eyes twinkling in his weathered face. “I figured you for a transplant when Beck mentioned you’d done your training in California. My mistake.”
I shrugged. “Easy mistake to make. I stayed there for seven years, so it’s been a bit. I’ve never flown out where we’re headed though. Taken plenty of trips hiking and fishing all over, but not there.”
“It’s wild country out here. With the beetle kill, as I’m sure you know, these fires have been worse every year. They’ve had the local crews trying to beat it back, but it’s too big now.”
I would typically be flying out here with my crew from Willow Brook and more likely in a helicopter rather than a plane. Yet, every available helicopter service in Fairbanks was booked, so Maisie had tracked down Fred and scheduled for me to fly out to rendezvous with the crew on site.
I glanced out the small plane’s window and watched the rolling hills dotted with lakes here and there pass beneath them. I’d called Amelia before heading out and flat hated that I couldn’t see her before this job. I figured I might eventually get accustomed to jaunting off and leaving her behind, but I damn sure didn’t like it right about now.
Just thinking about her sent my heart to thudding inside my chest. Of all the things I’d never thought I’d have to worry about again, it was the ache of missing someone when I headed out to the field to face fires. I forced my mind back to the moment because I didn’t really like thinking about Amelia, not like this.
Fred’s estimate was dead on. He eased the floatplane into a near-perfect landing on what would’ve been a picturesque lake under normal circumstances. Instead, the trees and ground in the surrounding area where charred. The fire had passed through this area roughly a week prior. The fire had spread rapidly and expanded to over one thousand acres inside of a week. I had this fire on my radar and been expecting my crew to get called out if it continued to grow.
Once the plane landed, Fred taxied over to a floating dock at the edge of the lake. He helped me unload and followed me over to a cluster of tents. Within minutes, I was in the midst of a discussion with the foreman for the local crew from Fairbanks. I radioed my crew who were scheduled to land in the area within the hour.
Time raced as crews rotated in and out, helicopters landed to refill with water from the lake to carry out over the fire, and I geared up to head out to a corner section of the fire with my crew.
Late that night with the sky wispy light and smoke drifting through the air, I rested against a boulder and glanced to Levi Phillips, holding out a protein bar for him. “Another?” I asked.
Levi flashed a tired grin and snagged it from me. “Amazing how good these things are when you’re starving.”
I nodded and rubbed the corner of my sleeve on my face. We’d been working our asses off all afternoon to create a firebreak over in this corner. A wide, shallow river ran through thi
s area. We were using the river’s natural barrier and adding to it by clearing all flammable fuel from the grasses and forest out of the fire’s way. Two other crews were working on containment in other sections of the massive fire. I’d been so busy, my mind had conveniently stopped spinning its wheels over missing Amelia. Now that we were calling it for the night, she was back in my thoughts.
“Hard to believe it’s after midnight,” Levi commented.
I looked up to the sky. In this part of Alaska, there were a few days of barely a sunset. We were past that time of summer, but I’d guess the sun might only set for a few hours tonight. Stars glittered against the dusky sky with the moon visible in the distance through the haze of smoke filling the horizon as far as the eye could see.
“Yeah. Even though I’m used to the long days and short nights, this is more light than we get in Willow Brook.”
Levi snorted. “Definitely more light than what I’m used to from Juneau, seeing as that’s further south.”
I eyed the other guys. We were sprawled about the area by the river, a few already crashed out in their sleeping bags. I’d had enough time in Willow Brook to get to know my crew. They were solid guys and worked well together. Levi was one of the squad leaders, steady, reliable and completely unflappable. The other guys looked up to him and listened to him, so it was a great fit.
I was weary and figured I’d probably best try to catch a few winks of sleep. “You up for watch for a little bit?” I asked Levi.
Levi nodded as he took a long drag of water from a bottle. “Sure thing,” he said when he set the bottle down.
“Thad and I are the night owls. We’ll handle this first shift.”
I nodded and rolled to standing, striding away and sliding into my sleeping bag. I stared up at the sky for a few minutes, recalling the last time I’d slept outside under the stars in Alaska had been with Amelia.