Wait (Bleeding Stars #4)

by A. L. Jackson

  It stirred through me. Inciting old, unrelenting pain.

  “Told you I wasn’t ready to do that yet. Is…is everything okay?”

  Okay.

  That sentiment sounded so goddamned cheap.

  “That’s what you keep sayin’, Austin. That you’re not ready. And what that tells me is you’re still out there blaming yourself and you haven’t figured out the truth of it yet.”

  Felt like he kicked me. That presence shivered through the atmosphere. “When are you going to let me accept responsibility for what I did? When, Baz? I left because of this. Because you’ve always taken the blame when it was mine.”

  “Not your fault.”

  I scoffed. “Come on, man. I’m not a little kid anymore. You don’t have to go around trying to protect me, and you can stop trying to convince me different than what I already know.”

  “If that’s what you want, then fine. Accept it, baby brother. Take it on your own damned shoulders when I know it belongs on mine. Then come home. Where you belong. Need you, Austin. I can’t keep going on the way I am. Need you to take the place that belongs to you.”

  “What the fuck are you saying?”

  “You know exactly what I’m saying. Don’t lie to me and tell me you haven’t always wanted it. That you haven’t always felt it.”

  Anxiety skimmed my flesh. “That’s not my place. You know I don’t sing for them.”

  Sorrow stretched between us like a brittle, dried out rubber-band. It didn’t matter how many miles separated us. It was there, distended between us.

  “Yeah? Then tell me when you’re gonna start singing for you. It’s time, Austin. It’s time.”

  The glass door slid open behind me, basking me in light. Slowly, the slider shut. That overwhelming peace surged, spreading ease and comfort. She wrapped her arms around me from behind. Energy buzzed. She buried her face between my shoulder blades.

  I gripped her hands where they hugged my stomach. Holding her closer.

  “Think about it,” Sebastian said.

  I rejected the flare of anticipation that flamed in my spirit.

  “I’m not what you’re looking for.”

  Wouldn’t put myself in that position. The last thing I wanted was to let my brother down again. Let the boys down. I wasn’t sure I could ever be what Sunder needed me to be.

  Someone who could lead. Support and guide.

  “Austin…” Baz attempted.

  “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  He sighed. “Okay. But soon.”

  “Yeah.”

  I knew it was coming. I had to make a decision. I needed to go home and set things straight for good. Prove to Baz I was going to be okay out here on my own so he could move on and live his life right.

  For his family.

  He clicked off and the line went dead. Silence swooped in with the rushing wind. All except for the sound of the sea and the pant of our breaths. Edie squeezed me tighter, like she was trying to convey she wasn’t ever going to let me go.

  “Is everything okay?”

  She was broaching. Pushing me to let her into those places I’d always refused to give her access to. I’d always offered her bits without burdening her with the brutal reality.

  “Yeah.”

  “He wants you to come home?”

  “Yeah.”

  The breath she released was a shudder, sweeping her in a fear she tried to contain but was so clear.

  “He misses you.”

  My words were rough. “He’s hinting…but I know, Edie. I know my brother so damned well, and when he loves, he loves with everything he’s got. And he loves his family, and no doubt, they’ve become more important than the band. I don’t blame him. Not a bit. But I know he sees me there, taking his place.”

  “Is that where you see yourself?”

  “You know it’s not.”

  “Why?” She hugged me closer, her words a caress from behind. “You’re so talented, Austin. You are destined for great, great things.”

  I inhaled, breathing in the chaos churning in the sea.

  The chains that bound me to it cinched tighter on my spirit.

  “Singing is part of my penalty.” A moment passed with a thousand questions.

  “I don’t understand,” she finally whispered.

  I clutched both of her hands in mine, balling them over her mark on my heart. The place that would always belong to her. “You’re the only one who really does understand, Edie.”

  Slowly I turned to face her. Lights from within the house shined around her, the girl outlined in a white, shimmering glow. She reached out and brushed her fingertips along my jaw, her touch breathing all that belief, eyes searching me in the night.

  Getting it all without having a clue. And I couldn’t keep it contained for a second longer. Couldn’t keep up the walls that shut her out.

  “I did it, Edie. It was my fault.”

  The confession gushed from my lungs. So quiet. Still, they hit with the force of a sonic boom.

  She stilled, and there was no missing the confusion that flashed through her gaze. Then that sweet mouth turned down at the corner.

  In sympathy.

  In love.

  This girl who saw right inside of me.

  Pain slammed me as memories flooded behind my sight, and everything just poured out.

  Rained and flooded.

  Right into her hands and into the well of her pure heart where I knew she’d hold it safe.

  Julian balanced right at the edge of the sea. As if he were walking a tight rope. Body shifting this way and that as he hopped along the white foam lines left by the receding tide.

  “Check this out, Austin,” Julian called to him.

  Austin clambered two feet behind, skipping along those lines, doing his best to keep up.

  “Check out what?” Austin called right back, grinning wide. Austin loved the sun. The ocean. The days just like this one when they were completely free.

  “This!”

  Julian suddenly darted into the waves, flapping his arms all around like he was flying. He jumped then dove, tumbling headfirst into a wave. He rolled with the tide, jumped back up. His mouth was parted with his laughter, big rivers of water soaking his face.

  “You see that?”

  Laughter bubbled up from Austin’s belly, and he went running, too. He dove in.

  Their older brother yelled from where he was farther up on the beach, “Not too deep, Austin and Julian.”

  “We’re not,” they both promised in sync.

  Always in sync.

  Julian gave Austin a sly roll of his eyes. “What’s he doin’ with that girl?”

  Austin pffed. “Baz is always with a girl. Always talkin’ to them. Dad says that’s what men do.”

  Julian curled his nose. “I’m glad I’m not a man. Girls are gross.”

  Austin laughed. “One day we’re gonna be. And Baz said one day we’re totally gonna change our minds.”

  Julian shook his head. “No way.”

  Then he shoved Austin with a grin, and the chase was on. “Bet you can’t catch me,” he hollered over his shoulder.

  “Bet I can.”

  Austin did. Just barely. And then he was it and Julian was running after him.

  “Bet you can’t stay under water as long as I can,” Austin challenged.

  “Bet you five bucks I can.”

  They shook on it.

  The waves were deep enough to come up to their waists where they played. Austin took a step deeper, dunked down, and held up his fingers to count. By the time he got to thirty, he felt the need to take a breath. He started to pop up, but Julian pushed down on his shoulders, keeping him under.

  “No fair, Julian,” he wanted to shout, but he was still under water, and the two wrestled around the way they always did.

  Julian finally released him and Austin shot back up, breaking the surface and gasping for air.

  “You jerk.” He punched at his arm. “But I th
ink you made me win. Thirty-seven.”

  “Thirty-seven? I’m totally gonna win.”

  Julian lifted his feet, sinking his butt to the floor of the ocean. He stayed down there for longer than thirty, then forty, and Austin knew he was beat. Just when Julian started to float up, Austin held him down. Just like he’d done.

  His twin kicked and flailed.

  Austin was laughing and Julian was struggling.

  That’s what Julian got for holding him down longer.

  Baz looked their way, and Austin grinned at his brother, figuring he’d laugh at him rough-housing with Julian. Maybe come and play with them when he stopped flirting with that dumb girl.

  But then Julian wasn’t flailing anymore. He twitched, and his body jerked in Austin’s hands.

  Something cold washed over Austin. And still, he just stood there, Julian held under by his hands.

  Julian wasn’t moving anymore.

  Fear throbbed in Austin’s throat, this achy feeling taking him over, like he was missing something. He struggled to lift Julian from the water. Grappling to hold him from under his arms.

  Baz started running. Screaming. Yelling. “No, no, no.”

  Baz splashed through the water. He ripped Julian from Austin’s arms.

  Empty.

  That’s the way Austin’s gut felt, and his head spun as he watched their older brother haul Julian onto the sand.

  Austin heard screams somewhere. All around him. Dead silence at the same time.

  Like he was watching it from above.

  Empty.

  He crawled up the beach. Terrified. Wanting to touch Julian. To shake him. To tell him to get up.

  Please, please, get up.

  Baz pumped his chest, pinched his nose and blew into his mouth, pumped his chest again. Tears streaked down Baz’s face, something frantic and shaky in his movements. “Austin…what did you do…what did you do? Oh my God, what did you do?”

  Austin scrambled backward on his feet and hands when people circled around Julian.

  Pushed his back up against a big rock. Hiding. Rocking.

  Empty.

  I buried my face in her neck, letting all the wetness seep out there.

  Gutted.

  Empty.

  I hadn’t cried in so damned long. God knew I’d shed enough of them, and I hated being that fucking pathetic kid who couldn’t stand.

  But there was no stopping them now.

  Not when she was crying with me. For him. For me. Her tears streaked hot into my hair, and she held on to me like she knew she was my lifeline.

  A beacon in the distance.

  Calling me from the dark.

  Guiding me home.

  Even when I didn’t have the right to have one.

  “They let me go see him in his hospital room. All these tubes and wires…they were everywhere. Keeping him alive. But I knew, Edie…I fucking knew he was already gone. I could feel it, could feel the other half of me was missing.”

  My voice was gravel, sorrow saturating me all the way through. “Baz…he took me aside, shaking me when I kept crying and crying. He kept saying it wasn’t my fault. That it was his. He told our parents he wasn’t watching us and Julian got caught up in a wave. Took the fall when it was me.”

  “I’m so sorry, Austin. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Her soft mouth was at my ear, lips kissing at my temples, her lips almost frantic where they were pressing at my cheeks and my jaw and every inch of my soaking wet face.

  She didn’t give me any bullshit about it not being my fault. She didn’t tell me it was okay.

  Because she knew it wasn’t.

  “Think my mom knew the truth the second I walked in.”

  Hurt gripped my heart. Squeezing so damned hard I was sure it was going to burst. “But she was just as gone as Julian. I stole his life. Her life. My dad…he turned into a monster. Baz was the only thing I had.”

  Her upper back was pinned up against the wall, my arms around her waist. “Baz saved me, Edie. Kept me alive when I wanted to die. I can’t be that person anymore. The one who’s always taking from him. Disappointing him. Hurting him. But I don’t know how to stop failing everyone I care about. Everyone I love.”

  Nudging me back, she set her hand over my heart. Palm flat and firm. Those aqua eyes were wide. Vulnerable. Sharing in my pain.

  Understanding the way only she could.

  “You are good. You are good. I feel it. Right here.” She whispered the words she’d always given me. Her belief.

  My arms were back around her. “I didn’t mean to, Edie. I swear, I didn’t mean to. I’d do anything to take it back. To trade him places.”

  “I know. I know. I know.”

  She mumbled it as she kept covering me in those manic kisses, her hands sliding all over my body. Like she’d give anything to be the one to patch it back together.

  I pushed her further up against the wall. My mouth captured hers. This kiss…this kiss was filled with all the torment the two of us had shored up. What’d been locked away.

  What for the first time I’d released into her hold.

  She whimpered, and I held her by the hips, my hands greedy as I tugged and pulled at her body.

  Desperate to get her closer.

  Desperate to stand in her light.

  “Edie.”

  “I know…I know,” she promised.

  I shoved the slider open, kissing her the whole time while I edged her back into the house, my hands holding her sweet, trusting face.

  She wrapped her hands around my wrists, lifting to me as I backed her down the hall and into the refuge of my room.

  Didn’t even know how we made it there, but Edie was on the bed, and I was hovering over her, licking into the well of her mouth. Her tongue hot and needy.

  She tore at my shirt. Our kiss was only broken for the flash of a second when she ripped it over my head.

  Our movements were frantic.

  A frenzy of needy hands and hungry mouths.

  Our spirits thrashed and tangled. The energy grew intense. Billowing around the room. Demanding to be sated.

  Then her shirt was gone, and I was slipping my hands under her back to free the clasp of her bra, her tits small and so goddamned perfect. I grasped them in my palms, brushing my thumbs over pink, pert nipples.

  I sucked one into my mouth, teased at the other.

  Edie writhed. Her head rocked back on my pillow. Her fingers locked in my hair. My tongue traveled up the valley between her breasts, licking up the delicious slope of her neck and into her mouth.

  A shimmer of lust glowed in the air.

  Our bodies rocked.

  Searching for friction.

  For relief.

  Both of us desperate to drown in belief.

  I pushed up onto my hands to look down at her, and she slowed, staring up at me with trusting eyes. She didn’t break her stare as she touched her mark forever imprinted over my heart.

  My heart that thundered and rushed.

  Every nerve alive.

  Right then, all our truths became so damned clear.

  I reached out, palmed one side of her jaw, my thumb running across her cheekbone. The words were low.

  Emphatic.

  “I am so in love with you, Edie Evans. With all I have. With everything I am. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. That will never change.”

  More tears leaked from her eyes, that precious face aglow with brilliant light. “I love you, Austin. I never stopped. You will always be the next beat of my heart.”

  A strangled breath left me at her confession, all those empty places so close to being full.

  I couldn’t tell what I hated more—the flare of guilt for feeling it or the decision to push it aside and let Edie fill me with her comfort. To let her drown me in her relief.

  Fingertips fluttered across my eyelashes, my lips, my chin, back to the spot that would always belong to her.

  “I don’t want to wait. Not anymore.�
��

  Shock froze everything, before hesitation crept through her name. “Edie…”

  The two of us were right there, teetering on that line, so close to breaking through that barrier.

  A soft, wistful smile fluttered across her sweet mouth. “Be careful with me.”

  He stared down at me through the shadows of his room. I thought maybe there was a part of me that had always known his secret. A part that recognized the devastation of a single mistake. A mistake that could never be taken back, no matter how much you had never wanted to make it in the first place. Despite the fact you’d willingly give up everything to go back and make it right.

  Those stony eyes watched me. In them was a love so intense it came shining through the storm.

  Obliterating darkness. Conquering fear.

  I was no longer afraid, and I refused to continue to be chained.

  “I trust you.”

  For two beats, he searched my face, then he swallowed hard. My gaze trailed the thick bob of his throat, his Adams apple pronounced. I knew that was the moment he accepted what I was saying. What I was offering him.

  I was giving him the last broken piece of me.

  The root of my every fear.

  My every regret.

  One mistake.

  That’s all it ever takes.

  After tonight, I knew that was something Austin could never be. I’d thought so once. But I knew better now. Knew we were meant and bound, and he would never waste what I was giving him.

  I trusted him to cherish it the same way as he cherished me.

  I trusted he would be careful. Because he knew I could never go back there. He knew I could never risk the type of loss I’d spent so many years sure I would never survive.

  I couldn’t do it again.

  He brushed back my hair. The smile he tipped at me was adoring. The need in his expression profound. “You are my world.”

  He dipped down, his hands still pressed to the bed on either side of my head. He kissed me slow and deep. The power of it was so devastating I wanted to weep.

  My fingers dug into the strength of his shoulders, the muscles twitching beneath my touch, his body so beautiful as he eclipsed me in his perfect dark.

  His mouth moved over mine, lips sucking and brushing, our tongues lost to our own slow dance.

  The room spun and my body lit.