Wait (Bleeding Stars #4)

by A. L. Jackson

  But my truth? My heart? I knew where it belonged. It belonged with Edie. But for right now, I would pretend.

  A ring of shot glasses met in the middle of the table.

  Excited, Ash’s gaze bounced around at everyone sitting in our circle.

  Baz, Lyrik, Zee.

  Me.

  “To an endless well of inspiration and songs,” he said with that easy-going smirk he couldn’t help but wear. “To our fans. To our friends. To this mismatched family that’s always gonna belong. Most of all…to Austin for stepping up into his rightful place. Deserve it, man. Welcome home.”

  A ripple of disquiet weaved through my insides. It bound with an overwhelming sense of right.

  God. I couldn’t make sense of this. The push and pull. Seemed the longer I was here, the stronger it grew.

  The truth of it was, it felt good being home. Like I’d reclaimed something I’d lost.

  But it didn’t come close to touching how fucking bad I missed Edie. It’d only been three nights since I’d destroyed another piece of her. Two days since I’d come here. But each of those nights? They were spent wide awake. Arms aching. My body a void.

  Lost to that black, black sea.

  Desperate to climb back onto land.

  From his spot across from me, Baz eyed me.

  Toasting before a show?

  This was one of the traditions I’d been excluded from long ago. Back when things had gone south and I started pumping my body full of shit that had only served to fuck things up more.

  Seemed all of us had that proclivity. Save Zee. Dude was without a doubt hands over fists wiser than the rest of us.

  Thick, dark liquid sloshed down the side of my glass as I knocked it against the guys’. I poured it back into my mouth. It slid down my throat, hot in my gut.

  “So tell me how this is going to go down.”

  Lyrik leaned forward, all sly and dark, way he always was. He raked a tattooed hand through his unruly black hair that was just as black as his eyes. “You keep up with the songs?

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  Of course I did. Think everyone here knew there was no chance I’d just up and stopped listening to the words they wrote. To the songs they played. Didn’t matter how much distance separated us. I never could have gotten that far.

  Like Baz had told me when he’d given me my first guitar.

  Music beat in my blood.

  It was part of what tied all of us together. The threads of their songs were just another part of the bond.

  Lyrik nodded. “Then you go out there. You play. You see how it feels. Then you make the decision if you want to stay. Simple as that.”

  Incredulous laughter threatened. Because there was not one simple thing about it.

  Lyrik sat back with that dark gaze. “You willing to take a chance?”

  A chance for my brother?

  A chance to make this right with Edie?

  “Yeah, man, I’m willing to take the chance.”

  Ash slapped both hands on the table. “Hell yeah. This is gonna be epic. Baz’s baby brother taking his brother’s spot. Girls are gonna lose their heads.” He lifted his arms out at his sides. “This boy right here needs some lovin’, but I’m pretty sure this asshole is gonna give me a run for my money.”

  A chuckle rolled from me, all mixed up with more of that guilt. It felt wrong keeping something so significant from Edie’s brother. But what the hell else was I supposed to do? “No worries about that, man. They’re all yours.”

  Zee widened his eyes. “Like he needs more encouragement.”

  Tamar and Shea, Lyrik and Baz’s wives, appeared at the door.

  “Knock, knock,” Shea said with a smile as she peeked her head inside.

  God. It was weird seeing Shea after everything we’d been through. Part of me felt so removed. The other? I felt as close to her as I could be. The things about her past I’d unwittingly known, not having the first clue how tied we were. Not until it’d almost been too late.

  Thank God it was behind them.

  Behind us.

  Now Baz and Shea could live in peace.

  Peace.

  Fuck.

  That’s all I wanted for my girl. Sitting there? I felt antsy. Desperate to make it happen. Unsure if I could.

  Tamar walked into the room ahead of Shea. Her stomach was just beginning to hint with the swell of the child she carried inside.

  Lyrik had to be one of the hardest, most intimidating guys you’d ever meet. But the second he saw her? Swore the guy turned to goo. “There you are,” he murmured as Tamar weaved his way to him.

  Ash swiveled in his seat, grinning wide like the cocky bastard he was. “Ahh, Tam Tam. We were just talking about the fact I need some lovin’. And here you are. Come give me some kisses.”

  “Watch yourself, man.” Lyrik’s words were almost a growl, but he was too busy pulling his wife onto his lap, kissing her obscene right in the middle of the room.

  “Hey, now. Why do you always have to go and get hasty with the assumptions? I was just gonna tell her hi.”

  Zee flicked a pen at Ash. “Maybe it’s because we’ve all been subjected to the way you like to tell girls hi for far too long.”

  Ash dodged it, gave one of his dimpled grins. “What? I can’t help it if I’m irresistible.”

  Shea smacked him on the back of his head as she passed by. “You wait, Ash. I still have one hundred bucks on you filling up your ridiculous house back in Savannah. All those rooms painted pink and blue. I saw some super cute boots that are just calling my name.”

  She gave me a soft smile as she rounded the table, heading toward my brother.

  Ash shook his head like he was getting ready to tell the saddest story. “Guess those boots are going to sit there…going out of style.”

  “We’ll see,” she said, winding her arms around my brother’s neck from behind.

  I laughed, propped my elbows on the table.

  So confused.

  Because God. Being here, with the guys? With Shea and Tamar? It felt like home.

  All the while my spirit thrashed for the one thing that set it at ease.

  Do you feel me?

  Thoughts of Edie out there, alone again, swamped me. Sucking me deeper toward that storm.

  I could feel it.

  Building in the distance.

  “How was your day?” Shea asked, her mouth soft at my brother’s ear.

  Baz looked directly across at me. Holding me in his gaze. “It was a good day. A damned good day.”

  For the next two hours, we all hung out in the solitude of Lyrik’s basement at the house he shared with his family.

  Baz handed me an electric guitar and the four of us worked through their set list. Making sure I was on. That I could handle it.

  Baz paced behind us, tapping out a beat on his thigh as he bobbed his head, already taking the position of support. In the background for input and advice, a shift of key and a lift of voice.

  It felt so fucking good.

  So right.

  With each screaming lyric I sang, with the hard, chaotic, thrashing beat I tapped into—that one glaring, bitter piece screamed out from within me.

  Fix this. Set her free. For once, do something right.

  “Anyone mind if I step out to get some air?” I asked.

  Baz inclined his head toward the stairs. “Take all the time you need.”

  I set the electric guitar that belonged to my brother aside. An overwhelming sense hit me with the force of a freighter.

  I gasped around it, climbed the stairs to the main floor of Lyrik’s enormous house. The two upper levels were all luxury and opulence and clean lines.

  Still, there was something homey about it. Maybe it was the way a bunch of toys were strewn about, evidence of the presence of Lyrik’s son, Brendon. Or maybe it was the way Tamar scurried around on her bare feet. Or the way Shea’s and her laughter rang out and echoed on the stone tiles.

  Maybe it was the j
oy climbing the walls.

  And that’s what I wanted for Edie.

  Her joy.

  Her freedom.

  For my girl to finally be free of all the bullshit.

  Then maybe she’d finally see the decision she’d never wanted to make was the right one. Maybe then she’d be free of the guilt and shame.

  Free of Paul’s vile and vengeance.

  All of that belonged on me.

  Whatever it took, I was going to protect her.

  Set her free.

  I opened one side of the massive French doors framed in carved, ornate wood and centered in ten-foot plates of glass. I stumbled out into the hazy heat of the late afternoon light, the City of Angels rambling forever below.

  I pulled out my phone, entered the number I’d memorized. The one that had been haunting Edie for the last two months.

  I played the fool as I tapped out the message for the bastard I had every intention of destroying.

  Every intention of finally silencing the voice at the helm of her regrets.

  The root of it all.

  One mistake.

  That’s all it took for a cataclysm to ensue.

  But this was a choice I wouldn’t ever regret.

  Hey man, it’s Austin Stone. Heard you’re out. Sunder’s playing tomorrow. Lucky’s @9. You should hit us up. Been a long time. Want to talk to you about an opportunity with the band.

  I pressed send.

  Knowing full well he’d be shocked I’d texted.

  But I also knew with all of me the piece of shit would be chomping at the bit for the chance of having any part of Sunder.

  He’d come.

  And I’d finally stand up and take the responsibility that was mine.

  For Edie, I was gonna be sure I made this go away.

  Once and for all.

  Gripping the door handle, I stared out the car window. Fighting the fingers of panic and fear that wanted to sink their nails into my skin and hold me back.

  Keep me under.

  The way they’d always done.

  “Are you okay?” Blaire asked quietly. She was sitting in the backseat, and she leaned in between the two front seats.

  I shook my head, still looking out at the awaiting terminal. A single tear slipped free. “I don’t know. I’m just…I’m so tired of being driven by the past. I’m so tired of running. I want…”

  I wanted life.

  I wanted the breath I couldn’t find since my fear and insecurities had forced him out of my life three days ago.

  I wanted Austin.

  God. I wanted Austin.

  That intensity shimmered in the distance.

  Calling out to me.

  Asking me for once…for once to stand up and be brave.

  I turned, caught the flash of sadness in Blaire’s expression, the pride that flared behind it.

  Telling Blaire and Jed about her had been liberating, speaking the words that seemed so dirty and wrong.

  All along I’d been afraid of the judgement that would come. The words that would only affirm what I already knew.

  But Blaire…she’d just hugged me, rocked me for hours, while Jed had sat on the couch with his hands clasped between his knees, offering me his silent support.

  I’d spent the last three days dealing with the mess of emotions toiling within me. Hurt by what Austin had done, but knowing my demons weren’t the only ones we were dealing with.

  My broken boy.

  My spirit danced and thrashed.

  A riot of intense, overwhelming longing.

  I knew he needed me just as desperately as I needed him.

  Last night I’d broken down and gone to his house. I’d gone knowing we had major issues, but sure I wanted to work through them all the same.

  Willing to finally fight.

  Fight for us.

  Damian had met me at the door and told me Austin had gone home. He’d told me Austin said if I came, to tell me he’d be back soon.

  To wait.

  But soon wasn’t soon enough.

  Fear slithered strong.

  Paul was in L.A.

  But until I faced him? He was always going to be there in the background. Lurking like the darkest threat.

  He’d stolen my safety.

  My hopes.

  He’d stolen years.

  I wouldn’t allow him to make me afraid for a second longer.

  Blaire gestured with her head toward the terminal buzzing with people. “You’re going to miss your flight if you don’t get going.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  I grabbed my duffle bag from the floor between my feet and cracked open the door, while Blaire scrambled out the back.

  “See you later, Edie.” Jed’s voice was rough. Choppy with emotion.

  “Goodbye, Jed,” I said, not sure how to leave things between us. If saying something would make it better or worse.

  I started to duck out.

  I froze when he suddenly snatched me by the wrist. I shifted, looked back at him as he stared across at me, the big, burly man’s expression so entirely soft. “Go, Edie. Find your peace. You deserve it and he’s out there waiting for you. That’s where you belong. I get it now.”

  Air rasped from my lungs. I offered him the saddest smile that brimmed with all my appreciation I had for him. My affection.

  Because he was so good.

  So right.

  He just wasn’t right for me.

  “Thank you.” I squeezed his hand. “Your peace is out there, too, Jed. You’ll find it. I promise. Just wait.”

  His eyes crinkled at the corners like maybe he disagreed, but he let me go.

  Out on the sidewalk, Blaire wrapped me in her arms. “I’m going to miss you.”

  I fought the moisture that grew thick in my eyes. “I don’t even know how long I’ll be gone. I might be back on the next plane.”

  She stepped back, holding one of my hands. She shook her head as if she might never see me again, wiped at a tear that ran down her cheek.

  Then she smiled.

  “No, Edie. We all know what this is. And it’s time for you to go home.”

  We all clamored down the dank hall of the music theater to the welcome of claps on the back, voices lifted and filled with the type of thrill that was impossible to escape in a place like this.

  Something both dark and alive.

  The Hollywood venue was one I’d frequented many times. A place that had been happy to play host to Sunder before the guys had made it big, me little more than a kid tagging along, hanging out in the back rooms that acted like a bedfellow to sin.

  A partner to all the crimes and transgressions.

  A bedlam of immorality.

  Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.

  Within these walls, that old cliché had earned its keep.

  But that didn’t mean it wasn’t bigger than that.

  That this place didn’t hum with possibility.

  It’d housed the dreams of those who meant the most to me—Baz and the rest of the boys who’d worked their asses off to get a break. Opening for whoever would have them. Playing places just like this across the country as they begged and scraped by, until someone had noticed their talent and took a chance on them.

  Now, they were passing it on to me.

  No dues paid.

  And I didn’t know if it made me feel cheap or proud.

  Like a beggar who’d somehow stumbled upon the greatest windfall.

  For years, I’d been playing my music in the quiet of small clubs.

  A prisoner to that unending loss. Chained to the sea and the songs. All the while knowing I couldn’t ask for anything more than the opportunity to honor Julian in rhythm and words.

  Now…now I’d step out in front of Sunder’s oldest fans. Those who’d been there from the beginning. I’d stand in my brother’s shoes and pray I could do him an ounce of justice.

  All the while feeling like a bastard because I knew after I faced Paul tonight, I�
��d have to turn around and walk.

  We emerged at the end of the hall and stepped out into the darkened backstage space. Heavy maroon curtains did nothing to conceal the chant of the crowd demanding their beloved band.

  Sunder. Sunder. Sunder.

  It pulsed through the dense air as if it breathed. A living force that compelled and stirred and sent this compulsive feeling jetting through my veins.

  The itch.

  The urge to step out onstage.

  How many times had I felt it before? Just a kid on the outskirts, not brave enough to even wish I belonged in my brother’s world?

  My fists clenched, and a big hand clapped me on the back.

  I turned.

  Anthony Di Pietro. Sunder’s manager. A guy who’d been there through thick and thin. Through arrests and overdoses and deaths. His presence was fused to the struggles and the victories of this band. Never once had he wavered in his support.

  He watched me with keen eyes, deep with encouragement. “You’ve got this, Austin. Seen it in you all along. Now I want you to get out there and own this stage.”

  Anxiety fired through my nerves. My guts were tied up in devotion, all the old insecurities and fear I felt at an all-out war against the soul-crushing need to honor my brother, that call vibrating within the cavernous space hollowed out inside of me.

  To honor both my brothers, really.

  It damned near made my head explode to realize they’d become one and the same.

  Scariest part? It was the bone-deep urge to do this for myself.

  But it was the all-consuming need to do this for her that had me giving Anthony a tight nod.

  I looked to the side when I heard Ash call my name. He lifted his chin, gesturing to where the rest of the guys stood up close to the side entrance of the stage. “Hey, man, it’s almost go time. You know the drill. Let’s go.”

  Over my shoulder, I cast a fleeting glance at Anthony who made himself comfortable by leaning a shoulder against a big speaker.

  My footsteps became restless as I made my way to the huddle.

  Fuck.

  What was I doing?

  But there was no stopping it now. Every inciting factor propelled me forward.

  Seemed crazy that now my brother was the one on the outskirts, lingering off to the side. He gripped me by both sides of the neck, pressed his forehead to mine. His words were raw when he whispered, “You were made for this. Don’t ever question that.”