Living Out Loud

by Staci Hart

  I pushed my feelings aside, turned my back on the things I wanted and gave her the best lie I had. “I’m happy for you, Annie.”

  Her smile slowly faded. “Are you okay, Greg?”

  “Yeah. I just have some stuff in the back I need to do,” I said, needing an escape, needing a minute to compose myself. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”

  Now she was full-on frowning, the coup de grâce on her hangdog, hurt expression. “Oh.”

  In that moment, I understood something vital.

  I wanted Annie’s happiness more than anything, even my own. And she was happy—so blissfully happy that the thought of shattering that overrode my own desires.

  So I did the only thing I could.

  I leaned on the bar toward her and put on my best smile, saying, “You know what? It can wait. Tell me about Juilliard.”

  And when happiness lifted her up like a kite, I knew I’d do anything for her. Even if it meant the end of me.

  11

  That Motherfucker

  Annie

  The day flew by, in part because we were so busy and in part because I floated through it like Snoopy in the Macy’s Parade—high and smiling and bobbing through the people with a fool smile on my face.

  Every second of the encounter with Will played through my mind, starting with coming-to in his arms. It was something out of a dream or a fairy tale, and I couldn’t believe it had happened to me.

  Nothing like that had ever happened to me.

  But it was the season of firsts. And Will was a brilliant first. He was so handsome, so charming, so absolutely grand, and beyond all reason, he wanted to see me again. In fact, he’d insisted on picking me up from work to see me home.

  There hadn’t been anyone like him in Boerne, that was for sure.

  Wasted Words was packed that day, the line at the registers never quieting for more than a minute or two. Not long enough for me to talk to Greg again.

  He’d listened to me talk about Juilliard, but something in him had closed off, shut down, pulled back. It was as if the magic from yesterday had been sucked right out of him.

  I tried to tell myself I was imagining things. I was just being paranoid. He didn’t purposely choose the far side of the bar where I couldn’t see him. He wasn’t making it a point to go to the back at every opportunity.

  He wasn’t mad at me.

  But I itched to ask him flat-out anyway.

  I heard my sister in my head saying, He probably likes you, and the thought jarred me so thoroughly that I almost dropped the change in my hand as I passed it to a customer’s open palm.

  If he liked me, he certainly wouldn’t be happy about my showing up with Will. I considered for a moment how I would feel if he showed up with a girl on his arm, and I was subjected to an irrational burst of adrenaline that made my heart stutter.

  Maybe Elle was right. Maybe I did like him.

  My pulse picked up at the thought, but I dismissed the idea completely. If I liked him, my insides would be going ape. Like full-blown tree-shaking, banana-throwing, howler-monkey nutso, like they did about Will.

  I sighed wistfully, smiling at my hands as I scanned a stack of books, thinking of Will, remembering the feeling of being cradled in his arms as he’d carried me to his car, the way he’d held my hand, walked me into the store to make sure I was safe. I’d finally found someone who made me feel and feel so intensely that it was nearly all I could think about.

  I couldn’t believe he was real. I couldn’t believe he was interested in me.

  Life was weird. A few weeks ago, I hadn’t been sure how life could even keep going, and now I found that life running away from me in the best way, like rolling down a grassy hill in the summertime.

  I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, but I believed in finding meaning and comfort where I could. And I had to think that, somehow, I had manifested my destiny strictly through my desire to honor my father and live my life in a new way.

  The universe had granted me a gift, and I didn’t want to take it for granted.

  When I glanced over at the bar, Greg was there, his enigmatic eyes on me, the irises the color of midnight. But when I smiled, he smiled back, sending a slow crawl of relief through my chest. We’d just been busy, that was all. I was just being dramatic, which was a common trap for me, right alongside jumping to conclusions and judging things based on what I could see and the narrow lens I could see them through.

  Unfortunately, that knowledge never stopped me from repeating my mistakes.

  Once it hit six, I finished up and passed the baton to Ruby before taking my drawer back to the office. And once I was all set, I grabbed my things, clocked out, and headed to the bar to ask Greg if everything was okay before Will came to pick me up.

  Only I never got the chance.

  Will and Greg were exchanging words across the bar, and their body language said those words were unpleasant. Greg’s shoulders were square, his face tight, the muscles at the corners of his jaw bouncing like he was clenching and unclenching his teeth. Will didn’t look much better, though a little less aggressive; his eyes were narrowed, and he stood tall and square, but there didn’t seem to be any bite behind his posture. Greg, on the other hand, looked like he could separate Will’s head from his body.

  They both put on the controlled facade of neutrality when I approached.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked Will before glancing at Greg.

  A thousand questions were poised on the tip of my tongue, and Greg’s dark eyes held a thousand things he wanted to say.

  “Fine,” Will clipped, his presence between Greg and me tangible and impeding. “Are you ready?” he asked, offering me his arm.

  “Yeah,” I answered as I took it.

  Greg’s eyes were dark and stormy, but he found a way to smile. It was a taut, unfamiliar version of the smile I knew. “I’ll see you later, Annie.”

  “Bye,” I said stupidly, and we turned to leave. But as Will swept me out of the bookstore, I chanced a glance back.

  Greg still watched me, in the exact spot I’d left him. I didn’t think he’d even exhaled.

  The second we cleared the doors, I asked the question that had been burning at the back of my throat.

  “Do you know Greg?”

  Will reached for the handle of the hired Mercedes and opened the door for me. “I dated his sister in high school,” he answered to my utter shock, ushering me into the car.

  I scooted over so he wouldn’t have to walk around, and he slid in next to me. My mind turned the news over and over, imaginings of what could have happened commandeering my attention as he asked me my address, which I absently relayed to the driver.

  Once the car pulled away, Will sat back with a sigh. “It was a long time ago. He never did like me, and neither did his brother.”

  Relief loosened the rubber band around my ribs at the implication that Greg wasn’t upset with me at all. He didn’t like Will. Of course he hadn’t been thrilled about me walking in with someone he didn’t approve of.

  It explained everything, though niggling doubt still clung to my thoughts.

  “Why not?” I asked with the utmost honesty and curiosity.

  He shrugged. “They’re overprotective of her, and they hated me because I was so different from them. I was just some rich asshole who was dating their sister.”

  My brow quirked. “Why would they think that?”

  “We come from different worlds. Prejudice happens from all sides. Their dad was a plumber, and mine’s a partner at the law firm established by my great-great-grandfather. Blue collars and blue bloods.”

  I found myself frowning. That didn’t sound at all like the Greg I knew. “They didn’t like you because you had money?”

  “It was hard for Sarah. She came to our prep school as an outsider—not just because she was new in a school of old friends, but because there was a class divide. When we started dating, she became a part of my group of friends. And when we broke up, she wasn�
�t welcome.”

  “That doesn’t seem very fair,” I said with a flash of defensive anger in my chest.

  He took my hand, twining his fingers in mine. “It wasn’t, but…” His eyes shifted to the seat-back in front of him with a faraway look on his face. “We had gone to this party the night we broke up. She drank way too much, and we ended up in this huge fight about her brothers. She went one way, I went another. I figured we just needed to cool off, but when I went looking for her, she was in one of the bedrooms with a guy.”

  The vision made me feel ill.

  “Everyone found out. They ostracized her from our clique, spread the news in mass texts with photos. I haven’t seen Greg since Sarah and I dated, but I have a feeling he blames the whole thing on me.”

  “That’s…that’s…”

  “I know.” A deep sigh left his lungs. “Anyway, I’m sorry about what happened back there. I didn’t realize he worked there.”

  I nodded, curious about the other side of the story, about what Greg believed.

  Will smiled, a soft, genuine smile that sent warmth blooming in my chest. “But it’s in the past, and I’d rather look forward. Wouldn’t you?”

  I smiled back, putting my curiosity away to indulge in the moment with Will. “That’s been my personal motto lately.”

  Will watched me, his smile never wavering. “When can I take you on a date, Annie?”

  A flash of excitement shot through me, warming my cheeks. “I’m free tomorrow after work. I get off around three.”

  “I’ll pick you up at work again. The weather is going to be great tomorrow, even warmer than today. I have an idea, but is it all right if I surprise you?”

  My smile widened. “I love surprises.”

  “Good, because I’m full of them.”

  I swooned in my seat. “I’m sorry it couldn’t be today.”

  “Don’t be sorry. You need to work on your audition, and I have plans to make for tomorrow.”

  Sadly, the driver pulled up in front of my building, and George opened the door with a tip of his hat and a questioning look at me as Will got out behind me. We stood on the curb, and Will took my hands in his, looking down at me with something akin to worship in his eyes.

  I was ninety percent sure I mirrored him.

  “I’m so glad I was in the right place at exactly the right time today,” he said softly.

  “So am I.”

  I didn’t want him to let go of my hands, and I didn’t want to go inside. I just wanted to exist in that moment for as long as I could, memorizing everything so that I could call on it and repeat it on a loop.

  But his fingers relaxed and fell away, and he stepped back. “See you tomorrow, Annie.”

  “I can’t wait.”

  He ducked into the car and reappeared, reaching for the door. “Me either.”

  And then he closed the door, holding his hand up in parting as the car pulled away.

  I watched him go before making a noise that was something like a giggle-sigh and skipadee-doo’d inside, minus the actual skipping.

  I floated into the house, picking up Franco, the Maltese, when the dogs overwhelmed me. I tucked the furry little thing into my chest; he madly licked my chin as I blew past Susan, who informed me of dinner in an hour.

  But I was looking for Elle.

  I found her in her room, and even though it was Sunday, a day for leggings and big sweaters, she was fully dressed in slacks and a button-down, though her feet were clad in wooly socks. Her sketchbook sat in her lap, pencil poised elegantly on the page.

  She looked up, smiling. “Well, don’t you look happy?” she mused, bookmarking her page with the ribbon in the binding before closing the sketchbook and setting it on her nightstand.

  “I think I’m in love,” I said wistfully and flopped onto her bed with a dramatic flair.

  She laughed. “Greg?”

  I made a face at her. “No, Will.”

  One brow rose. “And who is Will?”

  “Oh, just my knight in shining Mercedes.”

  “What in the world does that mean?”

  I giggled and rolled over onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows. “So I was walking to work today—”

  Her face exploded into a frown so fast, I almost got whiplash. “You what? Susan sent for the driver! Why did you walk? Did you tell Mama? Why would you—”

  “Oh my God, will you just listen?”

  She snapped her mouth shut, but the look on her face told me it had better be good.

  “So, I sent the driver away because I had plenty of time before I had to be at work, and I wanted to walk. I stopped at every park bench, I swear. I wanted to work on what pieces to use for my audition and think about everything, and I was being perfectly responsible.”

  Her face softened. “All right, I’m sorry.”

  My bottom lip found its way between my teeth. “But then I was standing at the edge of the lake and…I sort of fainted.”

  Another volcanic face explosion, this one into a mix of anger, shock, and fear. “You what? Annie, this is exactly why you’re not supposed to do things like this on your own. You didn’t tell any of us. None of us knew. What if something worse had happened? Did they have to call an ambulance? God, why didn’t you call me?”

  When she finally took a breath, I cut in. “I’m fine. Everything was fine. It was a mistake to walk, and I’ll never do it again—I swear it. I just…it was such a beautiful day, and I was so happy. I thought I had it under control, that I was being smart. And you know why I didn’t tell Mama; she would have said no, and I didn’t tell you because you would have told Mama.”

  She folded her arms and gave me a look that told me I was right. “Go on.”

  “So, I fainted, and when I woke, I was in his arms. Will. He was so worried, so funny and nice. And God, he’s so handsome. When we stood up, I was still a little weak and fell into him. And get this: he scooped me up like a princess and carried me to the road so his driver could pick us up and take me to work. Can you believe it?” I giggled again, grinned and giggled and flittered and fluttered. “He insisted on picking me up from work and getting me home tonight, and tomorrow, he’s got a surprise date for me. And then we’re going to fall in love and get married in some super-fancy rich-people hotel and live in a penthouse and have a zillion babies.”

  Elle laughed. “You are so ridiculous.”

  I sighed. “I know. Isn’t it grand? Imagining is half the fun.”

  “And what if it doesn’t happen like you imagine?”

  “Then I guess I’ll just shrivel up and die.”

  She snorted a laugh.

  “Daydreaming is fun and free and makes me happy. And if reality isn’t what I’ve imagined, I’ll just dream up something new.”

  “Well then, by all means, daydream away.”

  I rested my chin on my hand, still grinning.

  “So, what happened to Greg?”

  My smile fell like a sack of bricks. “Were you still asleep when we talked last night?”

  “No, I’m just wondering what happened. He worked with you today, right? Did you tell him about Will?”

  I found myself nibbling my lip again and forced myself to stop. “Yeah.”

  “Was he okay?”

  “He was a little weird,” I admitted, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. “But he and Will aren’t on the best of terms. But I’m not worried. Everything will be fine. Greg is my friend, and Will turns my insides to glittery, sparkly goop.”

  She gave me a look that I met with a defensive frown.

  “I know I’m being silly, but I met my dream guy today. Can’t you just be happy for me?”

  Elle sighed, her face slipping to acceptance. “Of course I’m happy for you. I just don’t want you to get hurt. You trust everyone—”

  “And you trust no one,” I volleyed.

  She looked hurt but rested her hand over mine. “I’m sorry I upset you. Your happiness makes me happy, and I can’t argue with a g
uy who makes your insides turn into unicorn goop.”

  “Thank you,” I said a little curtly, though I was smiling. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I rolled toward the edge of the bed and stood. “Well, I’ve got to start practicing. Juilliard!” I squealed, my happiness bubbling up again.

  Elle laughed and waved me off. “Go. You’re going to be great, Annie. I know it.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I don’t have to hope. I know.”

  And her faith fueled my own.

  Greg

  I rattled up Tenth toward home on my board, the familiar sound of my wheels on the pavement offering me no comfort.

  Of all the guys she could have walked in with, it had to be him.

  It was one thing to watch her walk in with him and another thing entirely to watch her walk away on his arm. I’d spent the entire day consumed by what it meant, trying so hard to make sense of it. But I only succeeded in making myself angry, so angry that when Will came in to pick her up, I lost my ability to keep cool.

  I had always hated that motherfucker. The first time his punk ass had walked into my house, I knew he was going to be a problem, and he was.

  And I’d thought I was largely over it, but I was not. Not by a long shot.

  I’d never trusted the smooth-talking teenager with the prep-school jacket and lying smile. As the leader of the douche pack, he was Sarah’s gateway into the cool crowd, and she trusted that smile to be truth, trusted his words as if they were gospel.

  Until she didn’t.

  It seemed to happen slowly, a seed of doubt in his intentions that sprouted and took root. They started fighting. And then she was ready to walk away, only she was afraid of the consequences. She didn’t want to lose the thin foothold in the group of friends she’d found in that fancy school on the Upper East.

  When she finally left him, he made it his mission to ruin her.

  The rumors were fierce, her ejection from their social group brutal and final. It wasn’t until she graduated and started college at Columbia that she finally moved on. Two years of hell by his hand, all because she’d had the audacity to break up with him.