I nod my head, but I don’t say anything. Promises are meant to be broken in situations like this. As long as we are running from them we will never be safe and neither will anyone else around us.
My thoughts drift to Cam as soon as my head hits the pillow. If I’m not safe then neither is he and I can’t have that on my conscious. Maybe we should move again? It’s not like we’ve put down real roots or anything. We can find new jobs, find a new place to live. We could go and start over again.
I’m still contemplating that thought on my way to work in the morning. I didn’t sleep much, if at all, and the sleep I did get wasn’t particularly restful. I remember waking up screaming. My mom peeked her head in my room to see if I was okay, but I pretended to be asleep again already. I didn’t want to worry her.
My shift goes by in a blur of person after person. I remember taking orders and bringing food. I remember talking to Heather for a minute, but I don’t remember our conversation. Every move I made was rehearsed. It was like I was on autopilot. No emotions.
Cam is standing beside my car as I’m leaving after my shift. I know he’s going to want to finish our conversation from last night and I just don’t have the energy. The thought of someone hurting him is painful. I can’t drag him down with me. I can’t put him in danger. I need to end this before it begins, to save us both from an inevitable ending.
“Hey pretty girl,” he says as I approach.
“Hey,” I reply flatly. I see the concern in his eyes immediately, but I cut him off before he can ask. “I need to get home.”
He steps back so I can get in my car. I don’t bother to look at him as I pass. I need to break the spell he has on me and staring into his beautiful blue eyes will melt all my resolve. I shut the door, shutting him out, and start the car. I look in the mirror and he’s still standing in the exact same spot, looking defeated, as I turn down the drive and head for home. I watch as he disappears from view and once I can’t see him anymore, I let myself cry for the first time since coming here.
When I get home I avoid my mom and Greg at all costs. I go in my room and lock the door behind me. I cover my face with my pillow and let myself cry. I cry about the fact my life is once again in danger. I cry for the loss of my father. I cry because I hate him so much. I cry for the loss of my brother. I cry because I miss him so much.
And I cry for Cam. I cry because I know no matter how far away they send us I will never forget him. I cry because I know for some reason I have fallen madly in love with him. I cry because I think he love me and I know if he does… this is going to hurt him. I cry because I know I am going to have to live without him.
It’s only been a couple of weeks, and one date, but I can say for certain I love this man. He’s everything I have ever wanted. He’s the opposite of Taylor but just like him at the same time. He has all of Taylor’s best qualities: gorgeous, sweet, caring. He’s also smart and funny and everything else I want in a boyfriend.
Most importantly, he’s found a way to break down the walls I’ve put up around my heart. The walls which I thought were impenetrable. The walls which were meant to keep me from falling in love and getting hurt in case I had to leave again. The walls that were obviously not built strong enough the first time around. I won’t let this happen again.
He’s in my heart, under my skin. Now, I will build new walls, more secure walls. I will let no one else in. I will lock Cam inside those walls. I will hold his love close to my heart. I’ll never forget him, but I will never let another take his place either. Those are the last thoughts I have before sleep takes me away from the nightmare before me.
Cam
I can’t do anything but stand there and watch her go. She looked tired and defeated. I knew it probably had to do with whatever happened after I left last night. My thoughts turn to Greg. I still have no clue who he is or what he represents to her, but I know he’s probably the reason she’s acting this way. I want to bash his face in. As the thought crosses my mind I remember the gun he was holding and how protective he was of her. I get the feeling he wouldn’t hurt her but could I be wrong?
“Hey, Cam.” There’s a sultriness to her tone. It’s not a secret she’s interested in me because she’s never tried to hide it, but I’m not really in the mood to play nice right now.
“Heather,” I say sharply as I turn around.
“What are you doing standing in the middle of the parking lot? Waiting for me?” she asks, her voice dripping with hope.
“No. Actually I was just leaving.” I am being abrupt with her. I turn to leave before realizing she may be able to shed some light on the Kat situation. When I turn back around I see her eyes jump to mine. She was checking me out and she’s just been caught, but I let it slide to see if I can work my charm on her.
“Where are you rushing off to? Boss duties?”
“No,” I say as sweetly as I can. “I was heading back in to grab my stuff so I could leave.” She smiles sweetly at me but doesn’t say anything so I take the leap and walk towards her. “I just ran into Katrina and she looked upset. Did everything go okay today?”
Her smile fades a little, but she quickly recovers and straightens her shoulders. She puts her finger on her bottom lip and pretends to think for a minute before she answers me. “She was a little off, but I think everything went fine.”
“Alright, well I better get going. My parents are expecting me home,” I lie before turning and walking away. I can feel her eyes on my backside, but I don’t turn around.
I’m restless the rest of the afternoon. I try to do my homework, but I can’t concentrate. I clean my room, but it doesn’t take my mind off of Kat. I pick up my keys and put them back down at least ten times, talking myself out of going over and seeing her. If she wanted to see me or talk to me she would have done so earlier.
I want to give her some space, but I can’t shake the feeling she needs me in some way, shape or form. I lay on my bed and try and picture the conversation we would have if I go to her house. Would she be mad if I show up unannounced? Would she even talk to me?
It’s after seven when I finally decide I have to see if she’s okay. I can’t sit in my room any longer and wonder. I know whatever is going on with her is probably bad. I don’t think she’s hurt physically, but I know she’s mentally and emotionally crushed. I could tell that much earlier and I want to at least offer to help even if she won’t let me in.
I pull up to her house and sit for a few minutes before getting up the nerve to get out of my car. The walk up the driveway takes much longer than it should and when I reach the porch it feels like my hand weighs a hundred pounds. I take a few deep cleansing breaths before ringing the doorbell.
Katrina
I can’t concentrate on anything. I’ve tried to study. I’ve tried to read. I’ve even tried to watch a stupid made for television movie. Nothing is erasing the painful look on Cam’s face as I drove away this afternoon. The painful look I caused.
I can hear my mom and Greg talking in the kitchen. They’ve been in there all day going over plans for us to run again if anyone finds us. He’s brought us new documents and arranged places for us to disappear to if we need it. He’s thought of almost everything. Almost.
The one thing you can never plan ahead for are the unpredictable factors. Cam is my unpredictable factor in this ‘game’ of cat and mouse which we can’t seem to stop playing. I wish it would end. I want, more than anything, to live a normal life and not have to look over my shoulder anymore.
I remember the look in his eyes last night before he kissed me for the first time. The longing and the lust. The fire after it was over. I close my eyes and remember the feel of his lips on mine. I know if I have the chance, I want to get to know him better, to spend more time with him. I want that more than anything, but I can’t risk him getting hurt in the process. If we have to disappear again he would get hurt. If we stay and they find us he would get hurt. I would never be able to forgive myself if he got caught in the midd
le of a war which isn’t his, or really even mine for that matter. It’s a war that’s already seen too many casualties.
My body trembles at the thought and goose bumps appear on my arms. My heart starts to race and I think, just for a moment, that I can’t believe the reaction my body is having after just thinking about him. Then, the doorbell rings and I know he must be standing on the other side.
Greg comes silently storming into the room, gun drawn. I roll my eyes because I know it’s Cam, but he has no idea. Do the bad guys ring the doorbell? Wouldn’t that eliminate the element of surprise? He looks through the peephole and holsters his gun before opening the door, proving to my mind and body that I was indeed correct.
Greg leaves the room without a word, the door wide open, Cam still standing on the front porch. I get up from the couch, turn the TV off and slowly make my way over to him. My feet feel like they have cement blocks surrounding them. They are heavy and it takes me twice as long as it normally would to get to him.
“Hey,” he says when he sees me approaching.
“Hey. What are you doing here?” I ask, making no move to open the screen door.
“I didn’t really like the way we left things this afternoon, or last night for that matter. I wanted to talk.” His voice is laced with concern. I feel guilty for the way I shut him out this afternoon, but it’s not like I have a choice in the matter. In order to keep him safe I need to keep him at a distance. The fact he is standing on my front porch tells me it’s going to be impossible to keep him at a distance.
“Oh, well…” I am at a complete loss for words. I know what I should say to him, but I can’t bring myself to say it. I should tell him to go, to stay away from me, that I have more issues than one person should have and that I don’t want him to get mixed up in all of it. That’s what I should tell him, but I don’t.
I open up the screen door and motion him in. I close and lock both the screen and front door before lacing my fingers through his and pulling him towards my room. If I am going to talk with him then I need to do it in privacy. Greg will probably still find a way to listen as long as we are in the house but at least this way we are hidden.
I close and lock my bedroom door behind us and plop down on my bed. He’s standing in the middle of the room, taking in my thrift store décor and rich red walls. I wonder what he thinks. Does the color give anything away?
“It’s very… you,” he says before turning towards me.
“Thanks, I think.”
“I meant it in a good way. The color is so… dark yet bold, just like your personality.”
Wow! He really does get me in the most fucked up kind of way. It’s almost like he can see inside my head, inside my heart.
“Again, thanks, I think.” I pause, waiting for him to say something else but he doesn’t. The silence is causing me to panic slightly. I know I have some explaining to do and it seems like he is giving me time to formulate my response to the unspoken question. “Look…”
“I know you don’t know if you can trust me and I understand that, but I can’t sit at home and worry about you. I practically went crazy after you left me in the parking lot this afternoon. I have no idea what’s going on but I need for you to talk to me, to let me try and help you.” He was talking so fast. It was almost like he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to get it all out.
“Cam, I… I don’t know what to say. I do trust you for some reason, but there are just some things I can’t share with you, with anyone. I know you want to help and that means more to me than you will ever know, but my problems are complicated. I don’t want to drag you into them.”
I feel the bed dip beside me. I’m staring at my hands, unsure of what else I can say. I feel him lace our fingers together and I have to hold back the tears which are threatening to fall. This boy, this man, is so caring. He cares about me. He wants to help me. I want that too, but I can’t let him get involved. It’s too dangerous.
“I don’t know what is going on, but I want you to know I’m not going anywhere. You can try to push me away all you want, but it won’t work. You are under my skin and I refuse to let you go. So, you can either accept that or I will take up stalking you like it’s my job.”
I can’t help but laugh at him turning my own words against me. I can hear the truth in his words but I also hear the humor. He’s trying to lighten the mood, to evaporate the tension. I look up at him to thank him and there’s a whole new level of tension in the room. That look is back in his eyes and I can feel my body responding to his.
He leans in and when his lips brush mine I shudder. They are so soft, so caring. His kiss is delicate. I can feel the emotions behind his kiss. I lay back on my bed, pulling him down on top of me. He goes willingly and I am reminded of how his body felt when he landed on top of me when we first met.
I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him into me. He groans into my mouth but never breaks contact. I move my legs to either side of his body and feel him as he presses against my core. We moan at the same time and he pulls back to look me in the eyes.
“Kat,” he purrs my name breathlessly. “I think we need to stop.”
“What if I don’t want to? What if this is what I need?”
“I want this, don’t get me wrong, but I want you to want this too, for the right reasons. I need to know you are going to stop trying to push me away first.” I push my pelvis up and grind into him, causing him to inhale sharply. “You have to stop doing that or else I won’t be able to leave your room, ever.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to?” What am I saying? I’m supposed to be pushing him away not getting closer to him. I’m supposed to be preventing him from getting involved with me and right now, we look pretty involved.
“You know I will have to leave eventually,” he says teasingly, pressing himself against me. I only nod. “Kat, I need to tell you something and I need you not to freak out.” I nod again, mentally freaking out of course. “I’m not sure why, but I think you and I were meant to meet. I think all of this was supposed to happen. You are my destiny. I don’t want to use the “L” word because I can’t be certain, it’s too soon, but…”
He never finishes his sentence. It’s out there now, hanging in the air, creating tension in the room. He’s still on top of me, his body firmly holding me in place so I can’t do the one thing I want to do. Run. This was not supposed to happen. There’s no possible way I can keep him at a distance now.
8.
Katrina
He rolls off me and I cover my eyes. I can’t look at him right now. know the emotions I’m feeling are strong, too strong. I’m feeling everything that he’s feeling and I’m just as scared to say it. The fact I can’t bring myself to push him away should have been my first clue.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper, knowing if I speak any louder then he’ll be able to hear how badly I’m trying to control the shaking.
“I don’t need you to say anything,” he says, rolling towards me and removing my hands from my face, lacing our fingers together. “I didn’t even realize what I was feeling until a few minutes ago. I can’t ask you to process that quickly.”
“It’s not that. I mean… it is but… I just… I don’t know what to say.” I’m stuttering. I’m at a loss for words and I’m trying to make sense of everything right now and it’s causing me to ramble.
His kisses silence me and I let him. They’re not as passionate as any of the other kisses we’ve shared. They’re controlled. He’s in control. He’s holding back.
A knock at my door causes us both to jump and smack our foreheads together. He starts to laugh as I jump off my bed and open my door for the only person who I can think would interrupt us.
Greg.
“Yeah?” I try to sound innocent, but I’m sure he sees right through my facade. He’s trained to see through people’s lies to the truth hidden beneath.
“We need your help planning our,” he pauses and looks at Cam sitting on my bed, “trip,” h
e finishes.
Shit!
I know what he’s really trying to tell me. It’s time to move on again.
“I don’t think I want to go on a trip anymore. I have school and work and I shouldn’t miss either right now. It’s my senior year. I need to keep my grades up if I’m going to get into a good college.”
I know he gets what I’m trying to say. The look on his face tells me our conversation isn’t over. He knows me staying has more to do with Cam than with anything else.
“Well, I’ll talk to your mom and see what she thinks. Meet us in the kitchen after Cam leaves and we’ll make a decision.” Just like that, I feel like a child again. His voice was calm and steady. He wasn’t trying to start an argument, but he was definitely trying to get his point across. The adults would decide where we were going from here because we were going somewhere.
I close the door without responding and move to sit next to Cam on the bed again. I’ve been defeated and there is no hiding it. It doesn’t matter if I tell him now. I’ll be gone by morning and there is no changing that. The decision to leave has already been made and my feelings on the subject do not matter.
The words are on the tip of my tongue but Greg could be listening outside the door so I hold them back. I rummage through my bag and pull out a notebook and a pen. Cam gives me a questioning look and I put my finger over my mouth, pointing to the door with the pen. He nods, understanding what’s going on, and slides closer to me, resting his hand on my lower back.
I open the notebook and begin to write. Once he sees what I write he grabs the pen and continues our conversation as if we were talking out loud.
We’re leaving.
Why?
How do I put it gently? How do I tell him we are not so much leaving but more like running?
Our past is catching up with us.
The Secrets Duet Page 8