Just think about it, Paige. And tell Max, too.
I nodded. You’re right. I will.
I sighed. Just when things seemed to be going well between me and Max, I had to open up this can of worms. Hopefully he’d understand why I’d kept it from him and wouldn’t make it all about him, but I felt I didn’t know how he’d react to something like that.
Did I tell you he’s been looking up courses for me? I told Gem, hoping to move the subject away from my disastrous previous relationship.
What sort of courses?
Textiles ones. There are accredited courses I can do from home, in my own time. It’s not as good as going back to uni, but it’s a start.
Max found these for you? she asked.
I nodded. I told him about starting my degree but then dropping out to take care of Mum and make sure Anna finished her A Levels, and he said it was time for me to start thinking about my own dreams again.
Gem nodded slowly, a look of approval on her face. He might pass the test after all, this new man of yours, she told me. It’s about time the two of you came round to mine again. I’d say it was your turn to host, but I don’t want to risk Max offering to cook, given what you’ve told me about his culinary skills.
I laughed, and Gem gave me a wink as she went up to the bar. My head was swimming slightly; I wasn’t used to drinking so much, but I took a glass from her anyway. It was about time I let loose for a bit, and I didn’t have anywhere better to be. As we moved back towards the dancefloor, I wondered if I could use this encounter with Mike to finally shake off that part of my life and move on.
Chapter 27
I closed the taxi door quietly, aware that it was one in the morning and many people on my street would be fast asleep. Fumbling in my bag for my keys, I didn’t notice the shadow next to the doorway until it was too late.
‘Where have you been?’ Mike asked, his eyes roving all over my body. ‘Have you been out?’
I could tell from the slight slur in his voice that he was drunk.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Who were you out with?’ he replied, not answering my question. ‘Do you have a new boyfriend? You do, don’t you. Who is he?’
‘Go home, Mike.’
He shook his head like a dog trying to get water out of its ears. ‘Just tell me, Paige. Who is he? Do you love him? Are you living together? No, then he’d be here. Who is he?’
His pleas were becoming more insistent. Even though I believed his original apology had been genuine, his behaviour since then had shown me I couldn’t trust him, and I didn’t know how much control he would have over his temper when he was drunk. I walked past him and opened the front door, turning to block him from coming in behind me.
‘Can I come in? We need to talk.’
‘No, Mike. Look, you keep saying you want to talk, and that’s fine, but you can’t just turn up at my flat in the middle of the night and expect me to let you in.’
‘I’m sorry, Paige, you just have this effect on me,’ he whined. ‘I still care about you, you know. If you just said the word I’d come back, it doesn’t have to be like this.’ I ignored him, and he sagged back against the wall. ‘I’m not good enough for you any more, is that it? Or is it because you’ve found yourself a new bloke?’
‘I’m not having this conversation right now. I’m going inside. Either you can leave, or you can sit outside all night, it’s your choice.’
Going inside, I shut the door firmly, then took a deep breath. I had only taken one step towards the stairs when he started banging on the door.
‘Paige! Paige! Don’t do this to me! Why do you have to be so fucking cold?’
There was an edge to his voice that hadn’t been there before, and I resisted the urge to turn around and open the door. Ignoring the repeated thumps from behind me, I crossed the hallway and went upstairs to my flat.
When I got inside, the door buzzer went off, accompanied by the flashing light above it. Mike was leaning on the bell for my flat, but I didn’t let him in. I gently pushed open the door to Anna’s room to check she was asleep, but the light didn’t seem to have disturbed her. Creeping back out again, I sat down behind my front door to think.
After a few minutes, the doorbell stopped buzzing, and in the eeriness of the sudden silence I wondered if he’d given up and gone away. If he’d woken one of my neighbours, maybe they’d call the police – if that happened, it was his own fault.
I got up off the floor and went into the living room to look out of the window. I couldn’t see any sign of Mike in the road outside, and for a brief moment I thought he’d gone. Then there was a thump on the door to my flat.
My heart in my mouth, I quietly took off my shoes then crept back to look through the peephole. Mike was leaning against the wall opposite, and as I watched he aimed a kick at the lock. I stepped back just in time, as the whole door shook.
There was a movement beside me and I jumped; Anna had woken up, and she must have felt the vibrations from Mike’s assault on the door.
What the hell’s going on? she asked, rubbing her eyes.
Mike’s outside, I told her.
In the street again? she asked.
No, right outside the door. He was here when I got home, but I don’t know how he got into the building.
She moved past me, towards the door, and looked through the peephole.
What does he want?
God knows, I replied. I don’t know if he wants to try and talk me into going out with him again, or if he just wants to have a go at me. I doubt he knows, to be honest. He’s drunk, I added, not that it excused any of his behaviour.
From memory, I knew Mike was his most erratic when drunk. You never knew from one moment to the next if he was going to shout at you or cuddle you, if he was going to come out with some great romantic gesture or tell you a long list of everything that was wrong with you, that you were lucky he put up with you because nobody else would ever want you.
‘Please open the door, Paige.’ Mike’s sorrowful voice drifted through the letterbox. ‘I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for not listening to you, and for not asking when I could come round, but I didn’t think you’d want me here.’
‘Why did you come, then?’ I asked, sitting down next to the door so I could talk to him.
‘I thought it’d be a nice surprise.’
I paused, wondering whether or not to believe him. Did he really think I’d be pleased to see him? Was he that deluded? Looking up at Anna, I interpreted what Mike had said, and she rolled her eyes in disgust. For a moment I almost defended him, then I stopped. What was I doing, making excuses for this man? Just because he’d given me one token apology that didn’t excuse what he was doing.
‘If you go home now, we can forget this ever happened,’ I said.
‘I don’t want to go home. I want to talk to you. The least you can do is let me in. Don’t make me sit out here.’
I took a deep breath. ‘If you don’t go home, I’m going to call the police.’
Now that I was in the flat with Anna, I felt safe enough to threaten him like this. The last time Mike had turned up, he’d gone away on his own, so I could assume he’d do the same this time. I turned round, however, to see Anna with my bag in one hand and my phone in the other. I’d dumped it on the floor when I came in.
What are you doing?
Finding Singh’s number.
Don’t, he’ll be asleep. I don’t want to bother him with this.
Call 999 then. She had a look of determination on her face that I didn’t want to argue with, but I took my phone off her and shook my head.
Mike’s not going to do anything. He’s drunk and stupid, that’s all. I’m not bothering the police with this.
‘Paige, please. Just open the door, sweetheart. I only want to talk. We need to talk, we never had any closure. I can’t stop thinking about you.’
When I didn’t reply, his tone suddenly flipped.
‘I can get you fired,
you know. You think you’re so smart now, working for the police, as if they wouldn’t use a better interpreter than you if they could afford it. Cuts mean they only have the budget for someone mediocre, you do realise that? You’re not special, Paige.’
A shiver ran through me at his words, which echoed some of my own thoughts that came creeping in at early hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep. Anna was standing against the wall, chewing her lip and watching me closely.
I stepped forward and hugged her. I’m sorry, I signed to her.
It’s okay. I know what he’s like. She paused and looked down at her feet. I’m sorry, too.
What for?
I already texted Singh. She held up her phone, where she’d obviously saved his number while I was messing about deciding what to do.
I squeezed my eyes shut. The last thing I wanted was to have Singh come out here in the middle of the night, thinking that I needed saving.
Did he reply? I asked her, trying to keep calm and not have a go at her. After all, she’d only done what she thought she needed to do to keep both of us safe.
She shook her head. Not yet.
I sighed. We don’t need Singh. I can get rid of Mike myself.
She shrugged. If you say so.
I quickly texted Singh to say it was a false alarm and we didn’t need any help. I could explain when I next saw him, but I didn’t want him here now. It was almost a point of pride – my friends had got Mike out of my life the first time, now I had to do it for myself.
‘Paige, for God’s sake. Open this bloody door. By rights half of this flat is mine anyway, you know.’
That comment made my blood boil and it was all I could do to stop myself from wrenching the door open and shouting in his face. I’d used the scant inheritance I received from my parents to put the deposit down on this flat, and I’d managed to scrape together the mortgage payments even when Mike was taking most of my money. Thankfully, I’d set up a direct debit that went out as soon as my pay hit my account, so he never got the chance to get his hands on it. The deeds were in my name, and only mine, and that he had the audacity to suggest he should own half of it simply because he’d lived here for a while enraged me.
The thumps stopped, and I risked looking out of the peephole again. I couldn’t see him, which worried me – I knew better than to think he’d left.
The letterbox clattered open and I stepped back. He was sitting on the floor in front of the door, and his fingers snaked through as he sat there.
‘Paige, you need to listen to me.’ His voice was stern. ‘I know you’ve got some crazy idea in your head about me, but you have to remember you’re not always right. Sometimes you make mistakes. And this time you have definitely made a mistake. All I want is to talk to you, and now you’re making me sit outside like a complete idiot. Your neighbours are going to be really pissed off at you, Paige. You’ve made me shout, and I bet some of them have woken up and are wondering what the hell you think you’re doing.’
His voice sounded so reasonable, so plausible, and I remembered just how easily those words could snake their way into my subconscious and implant themselves there, ready for any moment of weakness. He didn’t have the same effect on me any more, however, and I just stood back from the door where he couldn’t see me and waited for him to give up.
What’s he saying? Anna asked.
I signed the basics and she shook her head in disgust. Does he really think that shit will work?
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, knowing I was about to share something with Anna that I’d never properly explained before. When you’re at rock bottom and your self-esteem is long gone, it does work. Men like him, they wear you down until you’ll believe anything negative they say about you. When they hurt you or steal from you or treat you like shit, it’s your fault because you didn’t listen to them, or you didn’t look at them the right way, or give them enough attention, or tell them what you were doing for every minute of the day. Men like Mike, they have a way of making you believe it’s only what you deserve for being such a terrible human being.
Anna looked shocked, and I realised I’d never really talked to her about the way Mike had ground me down over the years. When I first got out of the relationship, I couldn’t speak about it, because I was too ashamed of myself for allowing it to get that bad, for not being stronger or smarter or whatever else I thought I hadn’t been.
The next couple of minutes dragged, the silence from the hallway strangely ominous. A few moments later I heard the door to the staircase bang. Anna and I moved to the front window, where we saw Mike leave the building and stumble across the pavement. He stepped back and looked up at the window, obviously expecting us to be there, then gave us a sneer and a sarcastic wave and sauntered off up the road.
I need to tell Singh about him, don’t I? I asked Anna. She nodded and I sighed, then sent Singh another text asking him to come round in the morning.
When we’d calmed down enough to go to bed, I checked several times that the door was locked, and took the heaviest object I could find, a glass vase, and put it on my bedside table. We’d changed the locks when Mike left three years ago, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
Eight hours before the murder
Where are we? What is this place? Courtney asked, looking around at the small building.
It’s the cricket pavilion, Bradley replied.
Courtney pulled a face. Not exactly romantic, is it?
Someone would notice if we’d broken into one of the other cabins, though, he pointed out. Rooting in his bag, he pulled out a blanket that he’d brought with him and laid it on the ground, stepping back to admire his handi-work. His girlfriend rolled her eyes.
What? It’s the best I could do.
Ignoring him, Courtney walked to the window and looked outside, fiddling with her bracelet as she did. They weren’t meant to have brought jewellery with them on the trip, but it had been a birthday present from Bradley and she wasn’t going to leave it behind. I think someone’s out there.
Bradley joined her, peering into the blackness. There’s nobody. You’re imagining it.
There is! What if someone followed us?
Nobody followed us. It’s fine.
She shook her head. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. What if we get into trouble?
Bradley put his arm around her and kissed her temple. Come on, it’s not like it’s the first time we’ve done this. What’s wrong?
I just feel strange, she replied. Like someone’s watching us. I don’t like it.
Kissing her again, Bradley reached up and stroked her hair. It’s okay, I’ll protect you. You know I won’t ever let anything happen to you.
I know, she replied, letting her body sink into his. I just … I can’t explain it.
Taking her hand, Bradley led her over to where he’d laid down the blanket. Let’s sit here for a while, okay? We don’t have to do anything.
She nodded, looking back at the window. The shadow of a tree moved in the wind, setting her heart racing, but she tried to ignore it. She was sure Bradley was right. There was nobody there.
Hey, Bradley. She nudged him and pointed towards the window again. It’s snowing.
Chapter 28
Sunday 2nd December
I hadn’t had much sleep when the door buzzer went off the next morning. My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that Mike was back, but when I answered the intercom it was Singh. He smiled at me but there was a worried cast to his expression too.
Letting him in, I shook my head. ‘I’m so sorry. Mike was drunk when he turned up last night and Anna thought we’d need help getting rid of him. He went away on his own in the end.’
He squeezed my shoulder, and I thought he was holding himself back from hugging me, trying to stay professional. ‘Don’t apologise for someone else’s behaviour. He was the one who was in the wrong. And I wanted to come, because I think it’s about time you told me the truth about you and Mike.’
He gave me a probing look and I nodded, knowing he was right.
‘That’s why I asked you to come round this morning. You deserve to know.’
I put the kettle on and offered him a cup of tea. As it was boiling, Anna came into the kitchen and smiled at Singh. They’d met several times during the investigation into Lexi’s death, and I knew she’d be pleased he’d come round. The three of us sat down in the living room as I told Singh exactly what happened after I got home from my night out.
Once I’d finished, he looked me in the eyes. ‘You told me that Mike Lowther is your ex-boyfriend, but I think there’s a lot more to it than that. Is there anything specific you want to tell me about?’
‘I’m not pressing any charges against him. I’ve moved on and I don’t want to have to relive it.’
He made an exasperated noise. ‘I’m not just talking about making an official complaint, I mean so you have someone else who can help you, support you when things like this happen. I meant I’m here for you as a friend.’
I sat back and looked at Singh. I knew he was right, and even though I knew it was going to be difficult, it was time to tell him.
‘Mike and I met eight years ago. I was twenty-two, he was twenty-seven. We moved in together quite quickly because his rental contract was coming to an end and he didn’t want to renew for another year.’
Singh nodded, perhaps wondering where this was going.
‘Of course, a lot later I found out that was a lie. He was being evicted for non-payment of rent. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
‘When he moved in, everything was good for the first eighteen months or so. He contributed towards the bills and we enjoyed living together. I saw less of my friends, but it was a new relationship and that often happens. The money issues started first. He would borrow money from me just before payday, then he’d pay it back. But gradually, month after month, the date he asked me for it would get earlier. And then he stopped paying it back, and the amounts gradually increased. But we were in love, we lived together. In my mind we shared everything. I knew he didn’t get paid very much. He worked in a call centre and I could see that he hated it. But it got to the stage where we couldn’t really afford to have nights out. While we were watching TV he would always have his phone out. It turned out he was gambling. A lot.’
Silent Night Page 21