Bitter is the New Black

by Jen Lancaster

  199As soon as the youngest one turns ten, I’m teaching them all to smoke and swear.

  200Mom.

  201Dad.

  202Todd.

  203Vanilla Ice WAS groundbreaking—so there.

  204I use the term help very loosely.

  205Whoever said, “Children need choices,” deserves a swift kick in the ass.

  206Yeah, sure. Who leaves the country for a whole month? He probably got some cheesy reality show gig.

  207You’d be surprised at the amount of lease law a gal can learn when researching loopholes in eviction proceedings.

  208 Dear God, I can only hope the ring bearer stayed out of our way.

  209Yes, I was the only person dancing.

  210$40×26 times a year = Merry Christmas!

  211Canada can keep Bryan Adams.

  212I think it’s obvious at this point that I haven’t learned a damn thing.

  Table of Contents

  Author’s Note

  Prologue

  Part One: Icarus

  1. Flying Too Close to the Sun

  2. The What Street Journal?

  3. Crash and Burn

  4. Shaken, Not Stirred

  5. The Lobby for a Hobby

  6. Who Says Romance Is Dead?

  Part Two: Pandora

  7. Opening the Box

  8. Temporary Insanity

  9. Cannibal Birds

  10. Randolph Street Starbucks

  11. Evict This , Motherf*cker

  12. Jennsylvania

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments