Willows for Weeping

by Felicity Pulman

  'I'll be punished enough if they just send me home.' Winifred's tone was bitter with disgust. 'My father will make me wed old Dribblegum and, oh, Janna, I would rather be dead than do that!'

  'Old Dribblegum?' Janna asked cautiously.

  'He's old. He dribbles. And he has no teeth. But he's a free man and he owns a small plot of land, and he will have me for his wife.' Winifred shook her head in despair. 'And my father will have me marry him. That's why I ran away, and that's why I prayed to St Edith.'

  'So your need is to escape, rather than live the life of a religious?'

  'No! I mean yes, I needed to escape my family, but I've always wanted to live in an abbey,' Winifred said earnestly. 'All that I told you was true, Janna. I don't want to be any man's wife. I want to serve God.'

  There was no doubting the passionate sincerity in her voice. And now that she understood her situation, Janna felt more in sympathy with the determined young woman. 'Say nothing for the while,' she cautioned. 'Let's think on this, let's see if we can find some way you may return the hand in safety, and still achieve your heart's desire.'

  'Is that possible?' Winifred's voice came alive, strong with new hope.

  'Shh,' they heard Juliana grumble sleepily.

  'I don't know,' Janna whispered. 'Sleep on it now. Maybe St Edith will come to us in our dreams to show us the way.'

  They awoke to a wet and miserable day. Janna shivered in her thin gown as they gathered about the fire for a mug of ale and a hunk of bitter bread to break their fast. Ralph saw her shiver, and offered Janna his cloak, which she declined although she longed to protect herself from the rain and cold outside. It would be dreadful out there, judging from the gusts of wind and spatters of rain that blew down the chimney and set them coughing and choking as smoke billowed from the fire.

  'And you walk in bare feet?' Ralph looked down at Janna's toes, which peeped from below her gown, for its owner, as well as having smaller feet than Janna, had also been slightly shorter.

  'My shoes hurt,' Janna admitted.

  'Then you must ride my horse this day, mistress, and I will walk beside you.'

  'Thank you, sire, but I do not know how to ride.' Janna was touched by his kind gesture. For the sake of her bruised and bleeding feet, she longed to accept, but knew herself to be unequal to the task. It was true she'd been on horseback several times, but as a passenger riding behind the lord Hugh and clinging on to him for dear life. Janna felt momentarily faint at the memory. She blinked quickly to dispel it. She noticed that Ralph seemed a little surprised by her admission, and realised that she'd just given herself away. He thought her highborn. She should know how to ride for she would have been taught. 'I'm frightened of horses,' she lied, not wanting him to know her true status, at least not just yet!

  Ralph nodded in understanding. He produced a penny from his seemingly inexhaustible supply and showed it to the farmer's wife. 'This for you if you have a pair of sandals or boots that might fit my friend,' he said.

  The farmer's wife eyed the coin, greedy for it but unsure about giving up the comfort of a stout pair of boots. The farmer had no such qualms, however, but darted off to fetch them. They were slapped down in front of Ralph almost before he'd finished speaking.

  Janna felt embarrassed both by Ralph's easy generosity and the thought that he was taking advantage of their hosts. Yet she dreaded the long walk ahead. She picked up a boot and slipped it onto her foot. It fitted easily; in fact, it was slightly too large for her. She looked at the coin in Ralph's hand, and thought of the coins in her own purse now tucked away out of sight and also out of easy reach.

  'Thank you. I shall repay you when I can,' she told him.

  'No need.' Ralph held out the silver penny. The farmer's wife glanced at her husband and then, with an air of defiance, snatched it and quickly slipped it up her sleeve. Janna soothed her conscience with the hope that the woman would spend the coin to her own benefit in the marketplace, that it would be enough not only to replace her boots but that she might be able to afford some small luxury too.

  True to his stated intention, Ralph accompanied the party of pilgrims. He walked beside them, leading his horse on its rein as they slowly wended their way along the path beside the river. He kept close to Janna, and so did Winifred, which had the fortunate effect of curbing any further questions on his part. Winifred treated him with a cool shyness, but Janna couldn't help throwing a few coquettish glances his way. He was a good companion and kept them entertained with funny stories he'd heard in the course of his travels. More, he proved himself helpful when it came to hacking a way through over-grown brambles, or giving them a hand across the many rough and muddy stretches along the track. Besides, there was no denying he was the sort of man any maiden might swoon over! She shot a quick glance at him from under lowered lashes, and was immensely disconcerted to find he was scrutinising her just as carefully.

  At least the presence of Ralph meant that she and Winifred were unable to discuss what to do with the hand of St James, for no answers had come to Janna in the night. If St Edith was still on their side she was keeping quiet about it.

  Today, Bernard walked behind the pilgrims instead of lead-ing the way. He was keeping company with his mother, and Janna watched them talking earnestly. It was clear that he fretted with impatience. Janna could understand why. She wondered if he'd confided their secret to Juliana, for he must surely know where his mother's loyalty lay and whether it was safe to tell her what they'd found in the dead man's purse. Whether he'd told her or not, they were not happy with each other, Janna thought, as she observed them at the small tavern where they stopped to eat their dinner. Hissed whispers gave way to a strained silence between them as they supped on ale and pies. The other pilgrims ignored the trouble between the pair, instead sharing stories of their travels with another party of travellers who had come into the tavern.

  Bernard was quick to hurry them outside just as soon as the last morsel had been devoured. He could barely hide his eagerness to move on, although he was gentle with his mother as he helped her outside and took her pack to carry it himself. Juliana clung to his arm for a moment before releasing him. Janna saw the shine of tears in her eyes as she turned away, and felt sorry that the old woman travelled with such dread in her heart on what should be a joyous, spiritual adventure. As they set out along the track once more, she tried to offer some comfort.

  'Do you feel blessed that you have visited the shrine of St James, ma dame?' she asked.

  Juliana nodded. She was limping badly, and Janna offered her an arm to lean on. To her surprise, for the old woman had been fiercely independent in the past, Juliana took it and leaned heavily against her. Janna braced herself to take her weight. 'Was that your purpose in making this journey? To ask for the saint's blessing?' she ventured.

  'Yes. But not . . .' Juliana broke off abruptly.

  'Did you ask the saint to help you walk properly?' Janna knew that Juliana's condition would deteriorate as she aged, and that there was no known cure for it – other than a miracle if God or his saints were so inclined.

  'No, I didn't ask for healing.' Juliana's voice was low and fierce as she continued. 'I asked for my son's life! I begged the saint to take my life for his. I refused the comfort of riding so that I could walk each painful step of the Camino as a sign of my penitence for past sins, and my willingness to give up my life to save my son! And I pray that it's not too late and that God will hear my prayers, for darkness still walks with me and I fear it!'

  Janna was shocked into silence by Juliana's passionate outburst. She had no idea a mother's love could be so powerful, and so strong. But Juliana was not yet done. 'Our safety lies with you, Johanna, I am sure of it. Please, I beg you, please leave us. Now, before it is too late.'

  'Too late for who? For what?'

  'For us. For my son.'

  It was the second time Juliana had appealed to her, and still Janna didn't understand why. What power of life or death did she have over Bernard?
It just didn't make sense. She wondered if she should talk to Bernard herself, tell him about Juliana's fears, and ask for his opinion as to what she should do. She looked about for the pilgrim, and saw that he was striding ahead with Morcar and Adam. It looked as if they might be arguing, and she wondered anew why Adam kept in their company.

  'Please will you leave us? You can travel with someone else. For my son's sake – and for your own.' Juliana tugged Janna's arm, dragging her back to her present predicament.

  Troubled, Janna sought for a way to appease the old woman. Could she slow down, walk behind the pilgrims, perhaps? She was reluctant to leave their protection altogether, and besides, she didn't think she could find the way to Ambresberie without their guidance for she had no idea how far it was or even if she should stay on this same path or turn to another. But if she put enough space between the pilgrims and herself so that she was not really part of their group, she could still keep them in sight and follow them.

  After wrestling with her reluctance to leave the protection of the pilgrim band set against her desire to put Juliana's mind at ease, even though she believed that Bernard's fate was out of her hands, Janna reluctantly made the offer.

  'And you'll have no more contact with my son, or with our group?' Juliana pressed her.

  What am I, a leper? Janna's impulse was to answer in anger, but in deference to Juliana's age she swallowed her indignation and made what promise she could. 'So far as possible, I'll have no more contact with you.'

  Juliana nodded, and released Janna's arm. 'Thank you,' she said. 'I know I'm making difficulties for you where you see none. I know this is hard for you. I thank you for being so understanding.'

  Janna stood still and watched the old woman shuffle off. Juliana was some way behind the rest of the pilgrims, and moving slowly. It would be some time before Janna could safely set off by herself. A fallen log in a shady spot attracted her attention, and she moved towards it and sat down. Thanks to her new boots, walking was now a lot easier for her. But her feet still stung from the cuts and bruises she'd acquired while walking barefoot, so she was happy to rest for a while. She leaned back and looked up into the nests of the rooks, which nestled between green leaves like great black balls of wool. Caws and screeches melded with the quiet murmuring of the river. It was peaceful just to sit and be quiet. Janna closed her eyes, willing her soul to patience as she waited for the pilgrims to move further along their way.

  Her meditation was interrupted by an impatient voice. 'What on earth do you think you're doing?'

  Janna opened her eyes to find Ralph staring down at her.

  'I . . .' She stopped, unwilling to answer Ralph's question truthfully. 'I'm resting,' she tried again.

  'But we could have left you behind! It seems we're not going straight to Ambresberie after all. We're going to visit an ancient circle of standing stones instead. Our fellow travellers were told of it when we stopped for our dinner. It seems miracles have been wrought there, and now everyone is on fire with enthusiasm to visit the site. It's not far from here, so I believe. There's been quite some argument over it, but Master Bernard eventually yielded to the wishes of the others and they have already set off to find the ceremonial passage that will take them to the great henge. I realised you were missing and so I dropped back to find you.'

  'That is kind of you, but my business is at Ambresberie, and that's where I must go.' Had Juliana known of this when she'd urged her to leave them? Janna felt dismayed that she would have to make the journey alone after all.

  'You cannot travel on your own!' Ralph sounded thoroughly shocked as he continued, ''Tis unseemly – and it's not safe either.'

  'Then I shall have to take my chances.' Janna wondered if he'd offer to leave the pilgrim band to accompany her. If so, what should she say? She suspected he had experience and charm to spare when it came to seduction. But even though he seemed honourable, she wasn't so stupid as to stake her life and reputation on wishful thinking. If he made an offer, she must refuse it.

  'I won't hear of it,' Ralph said firmly. 'But I can't escort you either, for it would compromise your position in the eyes of your family and your friends.' From the bold twinkle of his eyes, and the half-smile quirking his mouth, Janna knew they'd both been thinking along the same lines. She felt reassured that they'd come to the same conclusion. But that still didn't help her out of her dilemma.

  'You must come with us, Johanna, all of us,' Ralph continued, when she remained silent. 'I cannot, in all conscience, let you travel on alone.'

  He waited for her answer. Janna wished she knew what to say. It was all very well for Juliana to tell her to leave the pilgrim band, but it seemed it wasn't going to be as simple as she'd hoped. Still, she had made a promise, and she would delay her departure for as long as she could. So she stayed seated, and said, 'My feet hurt, and I would rest a little longer if I may'.

  'You can ride my horse.' Ralph gestured towards the steed that waited patiently beside him. 'I'll sit behind you and hold you safe,' he added, forestalling any objection from Janna.

  Moving fast to catch up with the pilgrims was not what Janna had in mind. 'I am happy to rest a while longer,' she said. 'I am sure we can catch up to the party later.' She sensed his impatience. 'Pray, tell me more about this stone circle we are to visit,' she asked, to take his mind off the delay.

  'I know only what I learned from the travellers at the tavern. And travellers are ever prone to exaggeration, particularly with a skinful of ale inside them!' He rolled his eyes in a parody of amazement. 'Some said that the stone henge was built by an ancient people, and that it was used for sacrifices and pagan worship. Others said that it was some sort of solar calendar to tell the seasons and the various positions of the sun, moon and stars. The story I liked best was that the henge was built by the magician Merlin from giants' stones magically transported from Ireland.' He shrugged. 'No-one knows the truth of it, other than that it's very, very old; as old as time itself. But the most important thing about it, so far as Mistress Juliana is concerned, is that it was recently the site of a miracle.'

  'A miracle?' Janna sat forward, wondering if this was what Juliana had been so reluctant to share with her.

  'So-called. The travellers witnessed – or were told about – a young boy, lame since birth, whose foot became miraculously straight and whole after his parents took him to the henge. They washed the stones and the boy bathed in that water, to which some herbs had also been added, and he was cured. The stones have long been associated with healing, so it is said.'

  'And Juliana hopes that she, too, will be able to walk in comfort if she goes there?'

  'No. She seemed to have some other purpose in mind, I know not what. She won't talk to me, but gives me dark looks and mutters to herself whenever I cross her path. I don't think she approves of me at all.'

  Janna looked at Ralph with new interest. Then she gave a little chuckle of amusement and shook her head. Juliana must be even more crazed than she'd suspected. The thought comforted her in some way for breaking her promise to leave the pilgrims. Thanks to Ralph's intervention, she would have to continue the journey with them after all.

  In spite of her impatience to reach Ambresberie, Janna felt a stirring of interest to see for herself this stone circle of miracles and ancient magic. She could understand, now, the argument she'd witnessed between Bernard and his mother. Juliana would be desperate to invoke a miracle if it would protect her son, but Bernard must chafe at this additional delay.

  'Is it urgent, your business in Ambresberie?' Ralph's voice broke into her thoughts.

  'No, it can wait,' Janna answered truthfully. She had been ignorant of her mother's past for all of her life. An extra day or two would make no difference to the outcome of her quest, whatever that might be.

  'You said you go to the abbey to seek information?' He left the question hanging in the air, clearly expecting an answer.

  'About my family.' She hesitated over how much to tell, but thought that Ralph s
eemed genuinely interested. 'My mother was once at the abbey there,' she said, sticking to the barest facts. 'I know little of her life, and I hope to find out more about her, and about my father.'

  'Who is your father?'

  'I know not, other than that his name is John. I am named after him. Johanna. But I am called Janna by my friends.' This last was said on a sudden impulse, and almost immediately Janna regretted it. How presumptuous she must seem! She waited for Ralph to stride off and leave her now that he'd found out she was bastard born and of no account, but he did not.

  'Not having a father must have made life difficult for you, Janna,' he observed.

  Janna nodded, feeling warmed by his use of her name and his interest in her family. 'I have some things, keepsakes he sent my mother, which I hope will help to lead me to him.'

  'What sort of things?'

  Pride, and a need to keep his interest, prompted Janna to confide in him. 'A letter.'

  'A letter?' He leaned forward.

  'From my father to my mother. And a ring with some sort of crest on it. Weird animals, like large cats. Two of them, one on top of the other. I've never seen such things before. And a crown. And my father's initial in the centre. J, in the shape of a swan.'

  'Will you show them to me? Maybe I can help you find your father.' She realised that she had captured Ralph's full attention now. He was staring at her with questions in his eyes.

  'I cannot.' Janna was reluctant to let such a wonderful opportunity go by, but it would have meant undressing in front of him.

  Ralph frowned. She thought he seemed disappointed. 'I keep them in a purse beneath my gown,' she said, anxious to explain her refusal. 'I can show you later, if you wish, my lord?'

  'Ralph.' He grinned at her, and her heart and spirit lifted under his regard. He had not thought her presumptuous at all; in fact they could now address each other like old friends! She was glad now that she had confided in him. Although she tried to caution her rising spirits, still she couldn't help wondering if the description of her father's ring had meant something to Ralph. Might he be able to set her in the right direction to find her father? Her breath caught at the thought that Ralph might even know him personally!