THE GIFT OF A CHILD

by Sue MacKay

  She didn’t even say, ‘When aren’t you?’ Which he admitted she had every right to do, that having been the crux of their break-up way back then. Instead, she surprised him. ‘Mitch, can we go somewhere to talk?’ Her gaze clashed with his and she didn’t back off. Something resembling the strength he’d always associated with her slipped into her gaze, pushing that fear sideways. ‘Somewhere quiet where no one will interrupt us.’

  There was a warning in her voice that gave him the impression that something terrible was coming. Yet for the life of him he couldn’t imagine what. Whatever it was obviously wouldn’t wait. Which made him want to stall her for as long as possible. He didn’t want to hear her out. Opening his mouth to say no, he said, ‘Just give me a minute while I grab some coffees and tell the night staff to leave us alone. We’ll be undisturbed in here. I see no need to leave the hospital.’ Except those gathering clouds in her eyes.

  ‘I think you’d prefer to hear what I have to say somewhere else, neutral territory if you like.’ Her bottom lip trembled. ‘With no one you know likely to burst in on us.’

  ‘As you heard, I’m going out tonight.’ He nodded at his overnight bag against the far wall. ‘I need to shower and change so I’d prefer to get this over right here. Whatever this is.’ Why did he feel such a heel? Could it be the pain darkening those toffee-coloured orbs? Did he have some lingering feelings for her? No, definitely not. Crazy idea. But he should cut her some slack, at least until he’d heard her out. They’d lived together for six months so he owed her that much. ‘So, do you want coffee?’

  ‘No, thanks. Nothing.’ She dropped onto the spare chair. The fingers she interlaced were white. She looked so tiny, all shrunk in on herself, and when she lifted her head to face him he gasped.

  ‘Jodi?’ Her eyes stood out like snooker balls against her colourless cheeks. Was she ill? Please, not that. Anything but that. His heart lurched and he had to fight the urge to wrap her up in his arms. Shelter her from whatever was troubling her so much. ‘What’s wrong?’

  She swallowed, opened her mouth, and whispered, ‘We have a son. You have a son.’

  *

  Wrong, wrong, wrong. That was not how she had meant to inform him. What had happened to easing into telling him about Jamie? She’d been going to explain the situation carefully, one thing at a time, not hit him over the head with a baseball bat. Now he’d never hear her through. The arguments were already building in his eyes.

  Nausea roiled up and she gripped the sides of the chair, forcing her stomach to behave. Her teeth bit down hard on her lip, creating pain to focus on. There was nothing she could do to take the words back. There would be no starting again. No second chance. So get on with it, tell him the rest.

  He was staring at her as though she’d gone crazy, his head moving from side to side in denial. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘It’s true.’ Again nausea threatened, stronger this time. She had to get this over, tell him everything. But he was already saying something.

  ‘Jodi, Jodi. I don’t know what’s behind this but your outrageous idea won’t get you anywhere.’ When she opened her mouth to reply he talked right over her. ‘It’s been done before.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re not the first woman to try using her child to get me to set her up in a lifestyle she thought was her right.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Last year a nurse from the surgical ward insisted I was the father of her unborn child. Wanted to get married in a hurry before everyone noticed. What she really wanted was the wedding, my wage packet and the supposed fancy house. She played me for a fool. She lied, she lost.’

  Where was the rubbish bin? Every office had one somewhere. Her hand over her mouth, Jodi frantically looked around as her stomach threatened to evict the few chicken nuggets she’d eaten earlier.

  ‘Hey, Jodi? Oh, hell. Here.’ A plastic receptacle appeared under her nose. A hand pressed between her shoulder blades, forcing her over the bin.

  Don’t be sick. Don’t. Swallowing the bile in her mouth, she slowly counted to ten, fighting her stomach. Sweat broke out on her forehead. Her hands were clammy. Breathe. In, out. In, out. The nausea began to recede. But she daren’t pull back from that bin just yet. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Why was she apologising? And for what? Feeling ill? Because another woman had done the dirty on him? For giving him the news no man liked to hear? She’d hardly started. He hadn’t heard the worst yet. He still didn’t know about Jamie’s illness. That’s when he’d take her seriously. And really hate her. Because he’d understand what she wanted from him.

  She lost the argument with her stomach.

  CHAPTER THREE

  MITCHELL PUT THE rubbish bin in the far corner and covered it with the hand towel hanging beside the basin. Who knew when Jodi might need it again? She looked terrible, pale and shaky, the fingers she gripped some tissues with trembling non-stop. Half the water in the glass he handed her splashed over her jeans.

  Returning to his desk, he parked his butt on the edge and folded his arms across his chest. He studied her carefully as she sipped and rinsed her mouth. Looked hard for the Jodi he used to know. Impossible to find behind the unhappiness in those eyes. Not easy to see in her bedraggled appearance. Hadn’t she been looking after herself? If he’d thought she’d been white before, he’d been totally wrong.

  A tiny knot of fear formed in his gut. What if she was telling him the truth? Jodi never dodged bullets; always told it like she saw it. So wouldn’t she have told him about a baby right from the get-go? Wouldn’t she? Maybe not. She’d always been fiercely independent.

  Not to mention the memory now flashing across his brain of how she’d called him the most unreliable man on the planet when it came to devoting time to her or anyone not involved in his work. Had even gone so far as to call him selfish. So she’d expect the same of him when it came to their child. At the time, her frank appraisal had stung. Honest to the point of being brutal. That was Jodi. And right now he’d swear that same honesty was blinking out at him.

  He tried to dampen the sarcasm. He really did. ‘You turn up here after all this time to tell me I’m a father. Do you honestly think I’m about to believe you without knowing more? Come on, I might not be top of your favourite people list but you also know I’m not stupid. If you were pregnant, why did you kick me out? I’d have been the gravy train.’

  He stood up and headed for the door. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do it.

  You’re running away, big boy.

  Yeah, well, it hurt to think she’d even consider him fool enough to believe her. Hadn’t she got it? Way back? Got that he didn’t do commitment or that for ever stuff?

  Wake up. That’s probably why she never told you she was pregnant. ‘What took you so long to tell me?’ He ground the words out.

  ‘I tried to tell you.’

  ‘How come I missed that?’

  Her finger picked at her jeans. ‘I phoned the flat you moved to a few times but you were never there, night or day. I didn’t want to spring it on you in front of your colleagues in the ED. But finally I gave up thinking like that and tracked you down at work.’

  The hairs rose on the back of his neck. He knew what was coming. Hell, damn, double damn. Once again he’d blown it—big time.

  ‘You were well and truly absorbed in a nurse. That was some steamy kiss going on in the sluice room. Her arms must’ve taken a month to unwind from around you.’ Anger and hurt blended to turn her voice sad and low. ‘You’d got over me so fast I wondered if you’d even remembered my name.’

  Embarrassment made him squirm. ‘It was deliberate. To make you think I didn’t care. I saw you come into the department.’ He sounded like a fifteen-year-old. Actually, that was insulting all teens.

  Jodi gaped at him. ‘You did what?’

  ‘Yes, well, it kind of upset me when you kicked me out but I had no intention of showing you that.’ If only he’d known why Jodi had come looking f
or him that day. Would it have made any difference? He’d like to think he’d have stepped up to the mark.

  She was shaking her head at him. ‘Do you know what that stupid act did? The anguish it caused?’ She spluttered to a stop, twisted her fingers around each other and stared at her feet.

  ‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But be fair, I had no idea why you were there. You still could’ve insisted on talking to me.’

  ‘I went away to think it all through. That took a lot longer than I’d expected.’ Did she mutter ‘Months longer’ under her breath?

  He felt beyond terrible. Despite everything he’d heard, that knot of fear hadn’t evaporated at all. But what happened now? What did he say? Do?

  Jodi’s voice wobbled but her words were loud and clear. ‘Trust me, I wouldn’t be telling you now if I could avoid it.’

  Stopping in mid-stride, he spun back to her. ‘Hey, I certainly didn’t ask for this. I’m not the one making you spill the beans.’ But I am the one behaving badly. Hear her out before showing her the door. It might be quicker and easier that way. And if there was something he could do for her then he’d do it just to show there were no hard feelings. Sure you’re not remembering how much you liked Jodi before she sent you packing? Sure you don’t want to make amends just a little bit for treating her so offhandedly back then? For kissing that dazzling blonde whose name you can’t recall?

  I was looking out for myself.

  Excuses, excuses.

  Jodi pulled herself upright and still looked small. But fighting hard. Like she wasn’t about to give up on this in a hurry. A mother protecting her child?

  That twist of fear grew bigger.

  ‘Mitchell, we can go the DNA route if you want proof Jamie is yours. But I think I can persuade you with this.’

  His gaze was glued to her as she slid her hand inside the back pocket of her jeans. As she began withdrawing a cellphone, a sudden landslide of emotion engulfed him. He knew without seeing whatever she was about to show him that finally everything he’d ever done, all the deliberate plans to remain unattached to anyone for ever had just come completely undone.

  He did know Jodi. Knew she’d never pull a stunt like this on anyone. Knew how she would not have hesitated to bring a child up on her own. Knew that she’d love that child more than life itself. All the arguing in his head couldn’t change that.

  Her hand shook violently as she held the opened phone out, a photo shining at him. ‘This is Jamie. Your boy.’

  He stared and stared at that phone, unable to reach for it because the moment he did he was finished. Life had come full circle on him. He’d spent years perfecting avoidance of commitment. Even his town house was just a building to sleep and shower in. His mouth was drier than a summer wind. His insides tossed and turned as though in a tumble dryer.

  ‘Mitch, take it. Please.’ A tear oozed from the corner of her eye.

  He had always been able to turn a blind eye to women’s tears. Until now. That solitary drop of water inching down her cheek arrowed straight to his heart. Jodi. Jamie.

  His fingers weren’t steady, probably never would be again. The phone slipped through her hand and his to the carpeted floor. Jodi didn’t move to pick it up, sat there peering up at him with those stricken eyes. Finally he reached down, swooped it up, turned it the right way round and, with a suck of air, met his son.

  He stared at his own reflection. At least, that’s what it looked like. The eyes looking out at him were the same shade of blue he saw in the mirror every time he shaved. The only difference about the straight dark hair was the style. Slightly too long and wild. The generous grin with even, white teeth; the straight, pointed nose. Even the ‘to hell with the world’ attitude in the little lad’s stance. This was himself thirty-three years ago.

  But this photo. The modern background and clothes. This was different. Not even he could deny this boy was his.

  Jamie was his son. He was a dad. Oh, my God.

  ‘Mitchell?’ His name hiccupped off Jodi’s lips.

  ‘Why now? Why not three years ago?’ He swallowed the bitter comments hovering on his tongue. He mightn’t want to be a father, or to even know he was one, but she should’ve told him, given him the choice of what to do about the situation. Except Jodi knew him all too well, had known he’d resist with every fibre in his body. What had changed her mind about telling him?

  Jodi grimaced, went back to twisting her fingers round and round. The desolation in her face drilled him. ‘I am very, very sorry.’

  He waited quietly, while his heart thudded hard against his ribs. He couldn’t have enunciated a word if he’d tried. I’ve missed out on so much. Three years of growing up that I’ll never know about. Surprising how much that hurt. Even when it was partially his own fault. Especially because of that. Jodi had carried the weight of his blind need to protect himself, had paid the consequences. Until tonight. ‘Tell me what brings you here now.’

  When she finally answered it was with dignity. ‘Jamie’s very ill. He’s going to die if I don’t get the right care very soon. You might be able to help him.’

  The strength went out of his knees. Gripping the edge of the table, he held himself upright. He’d asked and got the answers. Damn it. He stared at her. Her unwavering gaze spoke the truth. All of this nightmare was true. All of it. And more. His head whirled with angry questions. With denial. With acceptance. With—he didn’t know the hell what with but it sure as blazes hurt. Pain needled him, squeezed him, shook him like a defenceless kitten in a dog’s mouth.

  Groping for his chair, he sank down into it and dropped his head into his hands. Could he rewind the clock an hour? Back to when the biggest problem he’d had was keeping his staff happy during the coming week? Back to when he’d been snoozing before going to a party?

  ‘What do you want from me?’ He didn’t recognise his own voice it was so croaky. ‘Money?’ He lashed out, trying to step through this mire of problems he’d never expected to have, trying to come out on top of it all. His way. The way he felt safe. The way he had some control over everything.

  ‘I’ll forget you said that.’ Ice chipped off Jodi’s words. ‘Jamie has renal failure. Cystinosis, to be exact. Our specialist in Dunedin believes he’s got a better chance up here. In this hospital.’

  ‘Bloody hell.’ Mitch leapt up and strode across the room, turned at the wall, strode back. Turned and slapped his hands on his hips as he bent down towards her. ‘Kick me in the guts, why don’t you?’

  ‘I know how you must be feeling.’

  His eyebrows disappeared over the back of his head and his jaw clanged down on his chest. The situation got the better of him. ‘You know how I’m feeling? That’s rich.’

  Her eyes were murky, like mud. Wet, brown and so, so sad. ‘I’ve been dealing with Jamie’s illness all his life. But I haven’t forgotten the day I was told about his condition. The terror, the sense of failing my baby, wanting to believe the doctors had made a mistake and that someone’s else’s son was sick and not mine. And then guilt for thinking that. So, yes, I do know.’

  Did she have to sound so bloody reasonable? And so disappointed with him? Couldn’t she cut him some slack? It was all too much, too new, too raw. He tried to breath, struggled. Paced across the room and back, swallowed the lump blocking his throat, and strove for control. Back and forth across his office, which got smaller with every turn. He needed to get out of there, get some air. Stop thinking for a bit to give his mind time to settle down and absorb everything he’d learned over the last few minutes.

  ‘I’m going for a walk.’ He headed for the door.

  Jodi was out of her chair and in his face so fast he hadn’t even reached for the door handle. ‘I’m coming with you.’

  ‘No, Jodi. Give me a break here, okay? I need time to myself. It’s not like you’ve given me a weather forecast or told me the cat’s got fleas. This is huge. I need to absorb it all before I decide what I’m going to do.’

  Her lips t
ightened. ‘I understand. It’s been a big shock. But I’m coming with you. You’ll have plenty of questions once you start getting past the initial disbelief and I want to be there to answer them.’ When he narrowed his eyes at her she added quickly, ‘I won’t say a thing unless you ask me to.’

  Maybe this really was a lookalike Jodi.

  His phone sang a tune. He groaned as he read the message. ‘Samantha’s wondering why I haven’t turned up at the party yet.’

  If looks could kill, he’d be a goner. Holding his hands up in a placating gesture, he added, ‘I’m definitely not in the mood for a party now.’ Probably never would be again. His finger pressed the ‘off’ button. Shocking how quickly life could change.

  ‘Samantha is?’

  ‘Not my girlfriend.’ He hauled the door open and Jodi slipped out right alongside him. She stuck to him all the way through the hospital corridors, through the car park and onto the street, where he strode blindly along the footpath, trying to outrun this nightmare.

  And, true to her word, she didn’t utter a word.

  Which was even more disturbing. He did not know this Jodi at all.

  *

  Jodi shivered in the chill night air. Wrapping her arms around her upper body, she tripped along beside Mitch.

  Engrossed in thought, he didn’t seem to realise she was still with him, which gave her a chance to study him uninterrupted. Every time they passed under a streetlight she saw the raw shock still in his face. And the serious bent of his gaze. The clenched jaw.

  At least he wasn’t shucking Jamie off like a used coat. That had to be good. Mitch was the champion of avoidance when it came to getting close to someone. He knew all the moves to keep people at arm’s length. Even in the best times they had together she’d known she had no future with him, that eventually he’d be gone.

  That had made it a little easier to toss him out. Only a very little. The weeks and months following that disastrous day had been hard. Learning she was pregnant had added to her grief, but hadn’t broken her resolve to stay away from him after the conversation she’d overheard between him and his twin.