Theo

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘Yours was a cracking wedding,’ Gerard commented, as he filled Theo’s wine glass with a warm red. ‘None of the usual shenanigans. It was simple and so much better for it.’

  ‘Neither of us wanted anything flashy.’

  ‘And pure genius in the choice of venue, a great lunch and then a short cab ride home in time for the football, job done. In fact I remember saying something similar to your mother who looked none too impressed!’ Gerard laughed, loudly. ‘I think I was wearing my champagne goggles, I then asked her who she supported.’

  Theo laughed at the idea. ‘What did she say?’

  ‘Nothing, she stared at me as if she didn’t have the faintest idea what I was talking about and reached for your father’s arm.’

  ‘That’ll be about right. Cheers!’ Theo took a sip, as Melissa arrived from upstairs.

  ‘Hello my darlings! So good to see you both. Sorry I am behind as always. This little scrap is the biggest distraction; I don’t know where the hours go. Do you want to hold him?’

  Melissa waved baby Nicholas in his direction. Theo stared at the little boy in his pale blue sleepsuit and felt his face colour, as he wiped his hands nervously on his thighs. ‘I’m not very good with babies.’

  ‘Well, you’d better get good at it, pal, because trust me before you know it there will be the pitter patter of Montgomery feet in the house and you are going to wish you had paid better attention!’ Gerard laughed. ‘At least that’s how it was in my case. One minute I am married to the biggest party girl on the planet, out all night dancing,’ he lifted his wine glass in Melissa’s direction, ‘and the next I’m queuing in the all-night chemist for disposable nappies and nipple cream watching men who used to be me, trot along the pavement with the wobble of drink and a silly grin on their faces, and do you know what I envied the most about them?’ Gerard waited for a response.

  Melissa tutted, ‘Oh not this again!’

  ‘Yes! This again,’ he winked at Theo, ‘what I envied in them the most was not their drunken antics or the freedom they had to plan an evening on the town and actually leave the house, no, it was the fact that I knew these men were going home to sleep! Imagine that? Sleeping in a bed for longer than two and a half hours before a wailing monster squawks into the night and we all have to jump to attention.’ He took a slug of his wine. ‘I was plain jealous.’

  ‘Poor Gerard.’ Anna smiled at him.

  ‘Poor Gerard?’ Melissa shouted. ‘It wasn’t poor Gerard who was sliding off the mattress too tired to stand so a child could brutalise his once lovely chest! Don’t you dare give him sympathy!’

  ‘You love it right?’ Anna asked.

  Gerard scooped baby Nicholas into his arms and kissed his little face. ‘I do, Anna, I love it more than I can possibly describe. And don’t tell him this,’ he lowered his voice to a whisper, ‘but I’d get up to him any time of day and night, just to get the chance to spend five minutes with him. I’m obsessed.’

  Theo felt Anna’s stare across the room and hated her look of hope. It was proving to be the biggest bone of contention between them, her desire to start a family and his attempts at deflecting the issue.

  It was as they drove home to Barnes that Anna again broached the topic, as he had guessed she would.

  ‘Nicholas brings so much joy to their lives, doesn’t he?’ Her words sounded off the cuff, but he suspected she had been mentally rehearsing them since they had left.

  ‘He does. But I also get the impression that they have given up a lot. I mean, Gerard was saying they hardly ever get the chance to go dancing or go out.’ He let this trail.

  ‘Oh God yes, I would hate for us to have to give up our dancing!’ she laughed and he joined in, knowing they had never done this. ‘I just feel so excited when I think about it, Theo. I can’t help it.’

  ‘I know you do, but there are lots of advantages to not having kids.’ He squeezed her leg.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Well, the sleep Gerard mentioned, can you imagine not being able to sleep? That must be like torture!’

  ‘I promise I will do every single night feed and you will not be disturbed. The advantage of having a big house is you can sleep in the spare room.’ She smiled.

  ‘I can think of other advantages.’ He coughed, preparing to announce his big surprise.

  ‘I get the feeling you are going to suggest sex?’

  ‘Actually, I was going to tell you that I have booked for us to go to the Maldives for our wedding anniversary, but if sex is on the cards...’

  He watched her turn in the seat and place her hand over her mouth. ‘Oh my god! Theo! Really?’

  ‘Uh-huh. Our own villa, luxury all the way.’

  He heard her sharp intake of breath. ‘Oh Theo, that will be wonderful, thank you. Thank you, darling.’ She reached over and kissed his face. ‘The Maldives.’

  He listened, as she practised the sound of the place and couldn’t help but notice the slight edge of disappointment to her tone, as if no amount of fancy travel could make up for what she wanted most. A baby. He swallowed the guilt that swirled on his tongue and put the radio on.

  11

  ‘Well...’ Spud popped the last of his scampi into his mouth and wiped his hands on the paper napkin before flinging it into the puddle of tartare sauce and breadcrumbs that sat in the middle of his plate. ‘I have to say that for someone who’s just returned from the Maldives, you look mightily down in the dumps! Did none of that sunshine and relaxed living rub off on you?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘Half your luck...! I think Kumi and I celebrated our one-year anniversary by sharing a tub of raspberry ripple and having sex. In fact...’ He sipped his drink. ‘...that might actually have been the last time we had sex.’

  Theo abandoned his grey burger and chips and pushed the plate away with a sigh. ‘I just don’t know—’

  ‘Well, we both know that you do know, but you’re just deciding whether to confide in me or not.’

  Theo gave a wry smile. It was impossible to fool his best mate. ‘Okay...’ He took a slug of his drink. ‘The villa was incredible, right on the water, with a deck and all the bells and whistles. Anna was so excited to be there and it was brilliant seeing her happiness – it was the first time she’d been somewhere like that. And there was the usual champagne on arrival, blue sky, bluer sea...’ He rolled his hand in the air. ‘You get the gist.’

  ‘I do and I can see why you’d be so miserable – it sounds bloody awful.’ Spud sipped his pint.

  Theo rubbed his hand over his face. ‘I love her.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘But it’s the having-kids issue that keeps on cropping up.’

  ‘It’s going to, mate. You’ve been married a year, it’s what she wants, and rightly or not, it’s what others expect too. And it’s a big thing, a pressure, the biggest inside a marriage, I would think – certainly it is in ours. Kumi is already pushing for number two and I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that number one is here to stay!’

  Theo wasn’t in the mood for humour. ‘Anna thinks having a family will be the thing that cements us.’

  ‘It might be,’ Spud offered supportively.

  ‘But I don’t think so, not for me. I haven’t learnt the things you did. The way you talk about your dad, like he’s your mate, and all the experiences you’ve had together...’ He paused. ‘And now you’re a dad too and you just take it all in your stride. I’ve had none of that – I wouldn’t know where to start.’ He fingered the fishing fly on his lapel, trying to calm his agitation.

  ‘Everyone feels like that and, trust me, no matter how or where or by whom you were raised, nothing prepares you for having one of your own. You just have to try and figure it out as you go along. Kumi and I have had such different experiences, but I think that’s what makes it work. Miyu will have balance.’

  Theo shook his head and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

  ‘You’re shaking your head like
you don’t believe me,’ Spud said.

  ‘It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s just...’

  ‘Is it partly to do with Kitty and stuff?’

  Theo gave a small sigh and looked towards the window, tapping his fingertips on the tabletop. He was someone who discussed land prices, wine, the weather, cars, politics, food and sport – not ‘stuff’. He swallowed and spoke slowly. ‘I know very few people who grow older with the express desire not to become a parent; some do, I’m sure, but I feel like an oddity, like I’m going against the grain.’

  ‘But you are a parent!’ Spud said quietly.

  ‘Yes. But not in any way that anyone would notice, not in any way that counts! Fucking hell, I don’t even know if my child is a boy or a girl. And I do know that the mother took one look at me and ran for the bloody hills!’ He said this a little louder and more sternly than he intended and certainly than he was comfortable with. He wiped the corners of his mouth with his thumb and forefinger. ‘I’m sorry, Spud, it’s a subject I find difficult enough to fence with at home, let alone having to do it here in the pub too.’

  ‘No need to apologise, mate. It’s raw, I get it, but the fact that it makes you so mad means it is unresolved.’

  ‘I guess.’ Theo stretched out his legs and crossed his ankles.

  ‘Have you told Anna about—’

  ‘No.’ Theo shook his head. ‘How can I? I tried when we first got together, I’ve tried many other times and I did actually try again when we were in the Maldives, but... well, we were having a row, and she looked so broken already, so I chickened out and ended up telling her about my so-called brother Alexander. And she thought that was shocking enough.’ He shook his head. ‘Christ, she is so intent on becoming a mother, she even writes to her future kids! She’s given them names, Fifi and Fox, and she scribbles notes to them, telling them all sorts. Who the fuck does that? It’s the most enormous pressure.’

  ‘I think part of the pressure is that you’re keeping a secret that’s directly related to what she wants most. Your kid with Kitty, not telling Anna and her drive to become a mum, it’s all different parts of the same problem.’

  Theo looked at his mate. ‘You think I don’t know that?’ He nodded. ‘But how can I have another child when there is already one in the world that I have nothing to do with?’ The nerve in his jaw twitched angrily. ‘I can’t do it.’

  ‘I think it’s a shame. You have so much to offer a child.’

  ‘You mean the money, the house.’

  ‘No, mate.’ Spud laughed. ‘Not the money! It’s not about that, although that helps. What you have to offer are all the good things that make you you. You’re funny and smart, and you’re kind, Theo, one of the good guys, and those are not bad qualities to pass on, to share.’

  ‘Thank you.’ He meant it. ‘And you’re right, no amount of money in the bank matters when the world feels like a hostile place.’ He pictured himself as a child crying into his pillow. ‘But what I don’t have, I suppose, is the... the confidence.’

  ‘You think I don’t know that?’ Spud countered.

  Theo gave him a dry smile; his friend’s humour was stronger than his own dark mood. ‘Truth is, I’ve always been worried about turning out like my father, and then the Kitty thing happened and it made me exactly like him!’

  ‘No, it didn’t. He had his circumstances, of which you know very little, and you had yours. All your choices were taken out of your hands – you are not a bad person, Theo, quite the opposite.’

  ‘I’m not sure Anna would see it as different.’ Theo downed the rest of his pint and ran his fingers through his hair.

  ‘You’ll never know unless you tell her.’

  ‘God, Spud, to hear her crying herself to sleep, and to have to answer her questions over and over as to why we can’t have a baby, it kills me to know how much anguish I’m causing her. If she knew there was a child out there, my child, it would destroy her.’

  Spud took a deep breath. ‘I can’t imagine keeping something so big from Kumi. And I really think Anna would understand. I think her joy at becoming a mum would outweigh everything else.’

  Again there was a moment of silence as Theo considered his words. ‘I spent days and nights trying to hide from the world, trying to make myself invisible. I can’t put a child through that. I won’t. And it’s made me this... this...’ He struggled to find the right words. ‘...this glass-half-empty kind of guy, no matter what. And yet Anna...’ He shook his head admiringly. ‘She had the very worst of starts but doesn’t let it define her, in fact the opposite, she’s nearly always sunny. Whereas me...’

  ‘I think that with you, Theo, it’s more about your ability to shake off past unhappiness, to recognise you’re a different person now.’

  ‘Or rather my inability.’

  ‘Yes. Exactly.’ Spud lifted his pint pot and wiped his beer tash with the back of his hand. ‘Well, I certainly thought tonight was going to be more of a celebration.’ He folded his arms over his chest.

  ‘I’m sorry. You’re right.’ Theo clapped his hands. ‘So, the big old U S of A! Mr Mega Job. Working in a thinktank, whatever that is!’ He grinned. ‘I can only picture humans in a giant fish tank with thought bubbles and all wearing goggles.’

  ‘And that would mostly be correct. Kumi’s getting my flippers and trunks ready as we speak.’

  Theo noted the slightest twitch to Spud’s eye. ‘Are you nervous?’

  ‘A bit, but as I often say to myself, the decision you make is always the right one – that way you remove the self-doubt and just bloody get on with it!’

  ‘Amen to that.’ Theo raised his hand for a high five, which Spud made a show of ignoring.

  They both laughed, then exchanged a look, before Theo, embarrassed, jumped up. ‘Same again?’

  ‘Yup.’ Spud drained his glass.

  * * *

  It was raining as Theo and Spud left the pub and emerged onto the Strand. Theo lifted his suit lapels and held them closed over his cotton shirt, letting his finger run over the little fishing fly that sat discreetly beneath. ‘I can’t believe you’re going to the bloody States. I’m actually going to miss you.’ He punched his friend lightly on the arm.

  ‘You must promise to come and see us. Kumi and Anna can enjoy the delights of Washington and you and I can drink beer.’

  ‘You always say that, but we’d get stuck with Miyu while they go off, meaning beer will become coffee. The last time we babysat, I ended up getting a makeover!’

  Both men laughed at the memory of how Spud’s daughter with her dad’s help had gone to town with her face paints.

  ‘You should be honoured that you’re her favourite godfather.’

  ‘I’m her only godfather!’

  ‘Good point.’

  Thunder rolled overhead and the rain got heavier.

  ‘It’s only a plane-ride away.’ Spud nodded, a little choked.

  ‘Yep.’ Theo looked at the pavement, where fat raindrops bounced on the grey slabs. ‘Who’d have thought we’d be standing here like this all these years after I first met you. I remember when you knocked on the door of my room in halls. I hadn’t even unpacked. And there you were, skinny and geeky and you called me Cleo, said it was because you were from Wigan!’ He laughed.

  ‘I was panicking! You were the poshest person I’d ever spoken to and it threw me. My mum told me to knock on the door of my neighbours and ask if they fancied a beer. I was bricking it, but she said it was a failsafe.’

  ‘Turns out Ma Spud was right.’

  ‘She usually is. Christ, I thought it would be one quick drink, I never expected I’d still be lumbered with you thirteen years later!’ Theo smiled at him. This move was a big deal. ‘This is just the beginning, mate – we have a lot of years to cover yet and a lot more beer to consume.’

  ‘Do you think they have scampi in Washington?’ Spud scuffed his shoe on the wet ground.

  ‘Probably. But I think it’s called “scayumpee”.’
Theo tried out his appalling American accent.

  The two stood awkwardly, using the banter to mask their sadness.

  ‘Come here!’ Spud reached out and embraced Theo warmly, hugging him a little more tightly than was comfortable. He released him and shook his hand firmly.

  ‘I’ll see you soon.’ Theo coughed and slapped his friend on the shoulder.

  ‘Yes, mate. I’ll see you soon. And you know where I am if you need me.’

  Theo raised his hand in acknowledgement, then turned and walked away.

  He was glad of the rain. Somehow it helped dilute the emotion of their parting. He disliked the hollow feeling in his chest, which felt a lot like loss. Unwilling to go home just yet, he wandered past Charing Cross train station and stood on the corner, staring at Trafalgar Square. The bronze lions gleamed majestically in the downpour and the lamplight was hazy overhead as raindrops punctured the surface of the fountain pools. This was the London he loved, when the shiny façade and the crisp flags laid on for the tourists were removed and the beating heart of the capital was laid bare. Running his hand through his hair, he dusted the rain from his short crop and rubbed his face.

  Get a grip, Theo!

  It was as he ambled towards Whitehall, dithering over whether to go back to the pub and sink another pint alone or whether to trot down to the Embankment and walk along the river, that the number 53 bus drew up alongside him. Something about the shape of the figure in the window of the top deck made him turn and look up. It was a silhouette he’d carried in his mind since he was fourteen. There in the front seat, gazing into the distance, sat Kitty Montrose.

  Theo quickly glanced down the street, searching for Spud, wanting to point her out, needing if not his mate’s support then at least someone to share the moment with. His heart skipped a beat. Just the sight of her made his pulse race faster, taking him back to his unrequited teens and then that glorious afternoon together back when he was at UCL. But then came the stab to his chest and the memory of her letter.