What She Left Us

by Stephanie Elliot

  “Yep.”

  “And then what?”

  “That’s it. Can you handle that, for the future? A maintenance program. Twice a month. That’s all you’ll need to do to keep your hemochromatosis in check. Keep it stable.”

  Jenna took a deep breath. “I can handle that. I can so handle that.”

  Dr. Rhetler handed the file to Jenna and said, “Great, give this to Dee up front, and set up another appointment mid-January. I’m so glad everything’s working out for you Jenna, really.”

  “Me too, Dr. Rhetler, me too. Thank you so much.”

  “Did everything work out with your sister? I know I had some difficult news to share with her last time. I mean, some good news and then some hard news too.”

  “Oh yes, everything turned out okay. She is adopted, but we know the birth mother, and they’re going to have a really great relationship,” Jenna smiled. She didn’t need to go into any further details with Dr. Rhetler, but she felt she had to let her know that everything was good.

  “Wonderful, I’m glad. I know it’s been a tough year for the both of you.”

  “It has,” Jenna said, “But we’re dealing with everything and looking forward to a much better year. Thank you for everything.”

  Jenna left the doctor’s office and headed to her car. Once she got in, she turned on the ignition, and then the heat, and sat there for a moment.

  Then it happened.

  Everything that had built up inside of her volcanoed up and she could hold it in no longer. She exploded with emotions. With relief of finally feeling like she might really be okay with the disease she would be managing for the rest of her life. She felt worry for her sister, and anxiety over the news about Helena. And also what had been going on between Clay and Darren – all the drama in her life just came up and needed to get out of her system, and it all happened at that moment, in the parking garage at the doctor’s office.

  She cried and cried, it had been building up for so long, and there had been so many things on her mind. The tension was leaving her body as the tears came, she could feel it physically falling from her, and sad sounds came from her as she bawled in the darkness and warmth of her car. She let it all out – no one could hear her, and it felt healing.

  She wept for the loss of her mother, oh, how she missed her mom. The fact that her mom didn’t have to be gone made her sadder, that if she had known she was a carrier of the disease, she could have taken the same precautions as Jenna and been fine too. If only she had known.

  She cried because she loved Darren so much and she missed him. He had been such a constant in her life but they had disappointed one another. She pulled away from him when she needed him the most and he hadn't known to be strong enough for the both of them. She didn't know what the future held.

  After about twenty minutes of sobbing, Jenna felt like everything she’d had built up inside her had dissipated. The sobs slowed down and she reached into her purse for a tissue. She found one at the bottom of her bag, and blew her nose. When she finally felt like she could drive, she fastened her seat belt and went to put her car into gear. But before she did, she checked her phone. There was a text message from Courtney, and also a voice mail. She shot back a quick text to Courtney to let her know everything went fine with the doctor and that she was on her way home, and then she listened to the voice mail.

  It was Clay.

  “Hi Jenna, it’s Clay. I wanted to let you know I should have never let you leave the bar the other night, and I can’t stop thinking about you, or what happened before you left. I need to talk to you.”

  Chapter 79

  “You know what we need to do?” Mitch asked.

  “What?” Courtney was laying on the floor, feet up on the only piece of furniture in the living room – the couch that was headed to Goodwill eventually. Mitch was lounging on the couch, playing with Courtney’s toes. Jenna was looking over the breakfast bar from the kitchen area, drinking coffee. She rolled her eyes.

  “What bright idea do you have now Mitch?” she asked.

  “It’s obvious, don’t you girls know?”

  “Spill it, mastermind,” Jenna grinned.

  Courtney tossed the People magazine she was reading at Jenna. “I’m so glad you two are finally getting along. But yeah, Mitch, what’s your great idea?”

  “We need a Christmas tree.”

  Courtney popped up and clapped her hands. “There's an artificial one down in the basement in the Goodwill pile!”

  “Oh no, I’m thinking real. A spruce or pine. There’s that lot down the street by the gas station.”

  “You guys are on your own for this one,” Jenna said. “I actually have a date tonight.”

  “You’re going out with Darren?” Courtney asked.

  “I’m going out with Darren.” Jenna wasn't sure how she felt about it. That she had a date with her ex-fiancé. But she was going, and she had to find out what was happening between the two of them.

  **

  She didn't know why, but her hands shook as she dialed Clay’s number. Okay, she knew why, she was nervous about what she was going to tell him, that’s why her hands were shaking. When he answered, she knew he was at the bar because she could hear Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black in the background. Also, he answered his cell phone by saying, “Klippy’s! Food, Froth and Fun!” which actually calmed Jenna down, brought a smile to her face.

  Clay, she thought.

  “You realize you answered your cell phone that way?” Jenna laughed.

  “Hey! Wow, I guess that means I’ve been working too much. Hang on a minute?”

  She could tell he was moving away from the bar area, probably to the back where it was quiet, and then she thought about the last night she was there, when his arms were around her, and his lips were on hers, his warm hands touching her skin…

  “Okay, I'm back, how are you?” his voice softer this time.

  “I’m good. I had a doctor appointment. Looks like after the first of the year, I’m only going to have to do two treatments a month.”

  “That’s great news, really great. I’m glad for you.”

  She could sense in his voice that things were weird, or maybe she was preparing for things to be weird, so she spit out the next piece of news.

  “Clay, I don't think I'm coming back. I’m going to have to tell Doug I’m not going to be working there anymore, and I’ve got to get out of my lease.”

  “You’re not coming back?”

  “No. Courtney doesn’t need me there. I don’t need to be there.”

  “You’re going back to Darren?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him. Clay, I’m so sorry. You’ve been… you are… I don’t want to sound like an idiot, but you helped me more than you could possibly know.”

  “Well, thanks. I guess.”

  Jenna could hear the bitterness in his voice. She didn’t want him to be bitter. She wanted him to say that it was cool, that they’d always be friends, and he cared for her, and that he understood.

  No. That wasn't what she wanted him to say. She wanted him to say that it wasn't cool with him. That he wanted her to come back. That he never wanted her to leave the bar that night when they had been kissing, and that he wanted so much more from her.

  But he didn’t say any of that. He said nothing.

  “Clay?”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  They were quiet for a long moment, and then he said it. “I wish you hadn't run out like that.”

  “I wish you would have followed me.” It was such a small whisper, but she said it. It was out there, like a hot air balloon floating aimlessly into the open sky.

  “Damn it, Jenna. So do I. I can't tell you how much I wish I did. But I'm not that guy. I'm not the guy who runs after another man's woman. I'm not going after someone who doesn't know what she wants.”

  Jenna felt that telltale tickling in her nose that would lead to tears, but she wouldn't cry.

>   “I… I’m sorry. I was confused about a lot of things. But that's not your fault. I met you at a bad time in my life. The wrong time. You’ve been such a good friend, more than you know, and I’ll always be grateful for that.”

  “Is that it? Is that all?” Clay sounded angry.

  “I don't know what more I can say,” Jenna was about to burst into tears and she knew she had to get off the phone. She felt like she had hurt him and she didn't want to hurt him more. He had been so good to her.

  Jenna wanted to put this all behind her and move forward. She waited a beat, heard Clay sigh deeply, and she realized he wasn’t going to say anything more.

  “Clay?”

  Finally, he spoke. “I didn’t want to be just your good friend.”

  “I know.”

  “No you don't. You have no idea.”

  When he didn’t say anything more, Jenna said, “I’m really sorry.”

  “I guess there’s nothing else to say then.”

  Chapter 80

  When the doorbell rang at seven, Mitch and Courtney were knee-deep in ornaments, tinsel and lights, creating their own first Christmas together. Mitch put down the box of glass ornaments they bought at Target and opened the door to let Darren in.

  “Hey there,” Mitch said and shook his hand. “You must be Darren. I'm Mitch.”

  “Hey Mitch. Nice to meet you.” Darren said.

  Courtney unstrung herself from the tree and made her way over to Darren. “Darren! That's right! You guys never met! How are you? It's good to see you!”

  “You too, Courty!” Darren embraced Courtney. “How are you? Jenna filled me in on everything. You doing okay?”

  “You know, yeah. I am. It could have been a lot worse. It really could have been. Helena will be here in a couple days, so I think that will be a good opportunity for all of us to get to know each other better. We’re doing pretty good.”

  “Jenna too?” he asked.

  “Are you guys talking about me?” Jenna made her way down the stairs. She was dressed in dark skinny jeans and a turquoise turtleneck and her hair was down and curled, which was unusual for her. She also wore a necklace Darren had given her for her last birthday – a sterling silver heart pendant that hung low. When he gave it to her, he had told her it reminded him of their heart tattoos. She hadn’t worn it in forever. Courtney didn't comment on her jewelry choice or appearance.

  She didn’t have to though, because Darren did when Jenna walked toward him. “Wow. You look beautiful.”

  Jenna smiled. Courtney looked at her sister, who seemed to be happy. She sent up a wish that Jenna would finally figure out what she wanted. She just wanted her sister to be happy.

  Darren reached his arms out and hugged Jenna. “I missed you,” he said, burying his face into her hair.

  “Me too,” she said. Because she did miss him. He had been there every day for so long that to not have had him in her life for such a long time had been strange. But it was also strange to have him here again. This would take some getting used to.

  “Ready to go?” he asked.

  “Yep,” Jenna said.

  “You kids have fun,” Courtney joked.

  “Yeah, don’t stay out too late,” Mitch added.

  Chapter 81

  He didn’t take her to one of their usual places. Instead, they ended up at a new restaurant in the city, called Cosmopolitan. It was touted as intimately retro, painted in earthy tones and the lighting was low and warm. When Jenna slid into the mahogany leather seat, instead of Darren taking the seat across from her, he slid right next to her.

  She turned and faced him, a question in her eyes.

  “I just want to be as near to you as I can be. Is this okay with you?”

  “Yes,” although she wasn't quite sure of his proximity. It made her nervous.

  The waiter came over with a wine list and Darren chose a pinot noir, and then as quickly as the waiter arrived, he left, and they were alone again.

  “I’ve decided I can’t go back,” Darren said. “Not without you.”

  “Not without me?” Jenna asked, feeling as if he were giving her an ultimatum.

  Darren took her wrist into his. Her wrist with her tattoo. He kept his focus down, as if he was trying so hard to concentrate on the words he wanted to say. He took his thumb and moved it along the edges of her tattoo, then caressed the blue veins that ran through the inside of the lines of the heart, as if those veins kept her real heart beating. She supposed they did.

  “We’ve both made mistakes. I don’t want to blame either one of us. I want to put everything behind us. I’ve learned that when I’m away from you, I’m not as good as when I’m with you. And if that means that I don’t go back to Florida to finish the training, then I’ll stay here. I’ll forget about doing this other stuff. I’d rather be with you.”

  Jenna felt the tears, and the guilt.

  “I was with someone else,” she blurted.

  Darren lifted his head and finally looked up at her and his hair fell over his eyes as he did. He let go of her wrist to push his hair away from his forehead. Jenna took this moment to straighten her back and inch a bit further from him. She couldn’t tell if he was angry or saddened, or both, but she knew she had to follow through with telling him everything, so she continued.

  “It was someone I work with. But he was… I don’t know. It was only kissing.”

  Jenna watched Darren’s face for a reaction, and she could tell by his body language and a soft sigh that this relieved him, that it had only been kissing, so she pushed forward.

  “He listened to me. I was in a completely new environment, but for the first time I felt like someone was truly and honestly listening to me.” And as she spoke the words aloud, she realized it. Clay had listened to her, and he had asked her questions and he understood her, in a way like no one else had. Clay had looked into Jenna's eyes intently. In fact, his eyes burned through to her when they talked to one another, as if there was no one else around them, and he listened to her as if she was the only one who existed.

  She tried to push those thoughts aside to focus on Darren.

  “And Courtney was swept away with Mitch. I feel like he was maybe a… I don’t know, maybe a distraction. I was dealing with being newly diagnosed, and my mom’s death. And yeah, I was lonely. I got caught up in my feelings because I was so lonely.”

  Darren turned his body so he could look at her and they were face to face. The waiter came by with their wine, and poured two glasses quickly, then he left menus and disappeared. Darren took Jenna’s face into his hands, so she could not turn away. His hands were soft and cool. Her eyes were damp, but she didn’t deserve to cry.

  “Look, we’ve had some rough spots. I don't care that you were with someone else. You're being honest now. I love you. I hate being away from you. Nothing makes sense when I’m not around you. It’s like everything feels wrong. Hazy almost. Then when you’re here, even if things are messy, they’re still clear. I need the clarity you bring into my life. I’d rather have messy clarity than hazy messiness. Does that make sense?”

  It didn't make sense to Jenna at all. She was nervous so she laughed.

  “See, you do think it makes sense,” Darren said. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you?”

  “Actually, I'm not sure what you're saying?”

  He took his hands off her face and reached for her hand. “Of course you do. You know what I mean.”

  She stared at him, wondering who this person was staring back at her. She thought she knew him, yet how could she think she could live the rest of her life with a man who didn’t understand a thing about her?

  “So? What do you think?” Darren asked.

  Jenna laughed again.

  But she wasn't laughing because it made sense. She was laughing because this night was not going how she thought it might go. Not at all. The more she thought about it – the more she thought about Clay – the more it made sense that nothing made sense
with Darren. She couldn't stop thinking about Clay, how she felt like a better person around him. She couldn't stop thinking about how he understood her, how he hung onto every word she said, how he cared about what she had to say, how concerned he was for her well-being when she was sick, how caring and nurturing he was. If she compared Clay and Darren to each other, well, there was no comparing the two.

  She looked at Darren, looked into his eyes and knew that she had loved him once, that she had loved him dearly at one time. She also knew that if he hadn't been there for her when she was going through a life-threatening illness, how could she count on him forever for better or for worse, when she had practically just lived through a for better or for worse situation? How could she count on him for the next two weeks if he was the kind of guy who would not be by her side while she was… she didn't even want to think about it any longer. She was done thinking. Her mind was made up, and there was no use drawing the night out and making it any worse on either of them.

  Darren broke her chain of thought and said it again, “So? What do you think? What do you think we should do?” Darren asked hopeful.

  “Honestly Darren, I think it's probably best if you just took me home.”

  Chapter 82

  Jenna let herself in and saw that Mitch and Courtney were cozied up on the couch, Chinese takeout boxes and an empty wine bottle on the floor next to them. Another one was half-filled and Mitch was doing something pretty sexy to Courtney’s neck. She felt bad about interrupting their evening, but what was she to do? Sit out on the porch until she felt like she could come inside? So she tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as she slid into the hallway and made her way up the stairs.

  “Sorry, just running upstairs here really quick. Don’t mind me,” Jenna whispered.

  Courtney nudged Mitch from the couch and sat up. “You’re home already? Why? What happened? Where’s Darren?” She pounded the questions at her sister.

  “Eh, you know. We can talk in the morning,” Jenna said.

  “Great idea,” Mitch pulled Courtney back to the couch, but she wouldn’t hear of it.