“No way! Get over here now. I want to know what’s up.”
Tears welled up in Jenna’s eyes and she sighed deeply. Mitch groaned and got up from his spot on the couch. “I’ll go get the tissues.”
“Oh Jenna!” Courtney exclaimed and brought her sister over to the couch.
“No really,” Jenna sniffed. “I’m okay. This is what I wanted. It was my decision. I’m sure of it. We’re not right for each other. I just needed to make sure, and that’s what I’ve done. I’m okay. Just a little bit sad, but really, I’m all right.”
Courtney hugged her sister. “You sure?” she asked.
“Positive.”
“How’s Darren?”
“Okay, I guess. Not what he was expecting tonight. He was finally willing to give it all up. But my mind’s been made up. For a while now. I just needed to see him to make sure, to be positive. And I am. So now I can breathe easy about this decision and get on with my life.”
“Really?” Courtney paused.
“Really.”
“Hey?” Mitch called from the kitchen, “Can I come back in there now?”
The girls laughed, Jenna sniffled again, and said, “Of course! I’ve been waiting for those tissues!”
“Damn, a guy can’t catch a break. I try to give you girls some privacy and this is what I get? Here you go,” he handed a box of tissues to Jenna.
“Thanks,” she said, taking them and offering Mitch a soft smile.
“For what it’s worth,” Mitch said, “That guy seemed like kind of a tool if you ask me.”
Courtney gave him a look. “No one’s asking you, and you do not want to know what kind of first impression you made on my sister. So shut your trap.”
“Forget about Darren. I'm exhausted talking about him. Helena comes in two days and we've got to get this place cleared out and on the market by the end of the holidays,” Jenna said. “Let’s get our focus in gear. Can we do this so we can enjoy Christmas, please? Tomorrow we clean. And then we can all relax and enjoy the holiday. All right?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Courtney said.
“Sounds like the beginning of a perfect plan,” Jenna said. “Then I can start figuring out the rest of my life.”
Chapter 83
Two days later, on Christmas Eve day, the basement was cleared of all the cluttered boxes and mismatched furniture that had been stored down there for years. Jenna and Courtney had tackled the remainder of items in their mom’s room, without many tears, and actually, managed to do so with quite a few laughs.
Mitch pulled everything up from the basement and taken the bigger items to Goodwill, thrown out the stuff that was garbage, and then what was to be salvaged was put in boxes and placed in the garage to be picked up at a later date. The house was ready and the call was placed to the realtor, who would be coming by after New Year’s. Plans were in motion.
They found an old card table that would make do for Christmas dinner and they dragged it up and put it in the dining room, along with the matching folding chairs. In a box marked “Christmas decorations” the girls found one of their mom's old holiday tablecloths and a plastic holly and ivy centerpiece. They looked at one another and shrugged, silently agreeing that it would have to do. In fact, once it was all in place, with some tea light candles, the girls smiled at each other and Courtney said, “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.” Jenna had tears in her eyes.
When the doorbell rang, Jenna and Courtney glanced at each other.
“You answer it,” Courtney said.
“She’s your mom,” Jenna joked.
“Rude.”
“I’m only kidding, let’s get it together.” Jenna hooked her arm around her sister’s and they went to the door together. They decided to let Mitch wait in the living room.
When they opened the door, Helena smiled at them, her arms filled with packages and a large poinsettia plant.
“I didn’t know what to bring,” Helena said.
The three stood there for a beat, looking at each other, and then Jenna said, “We’re so happy you could be here. Come in.”
Helena followed them into the house and Mitch greeted them in the hallway.
“Helena, this is Mitch, Courtney’s boyfriend.” Courtney loved the way that sounded, and she beamed as Jenna introduced Mitch to Helena, yet she didn’t say anything.
“Hi, nice to meet you Helena,” Mitch said taking the poinsettia from her arms. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas to you,” Helena offered.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Mitch asked.
“Water would be great,” Helena said. “I get really dehydrated on flights.”
Courtney still had not spoken a word since Helena’s arrival.
Jenna noticed, and said to Mitch, “Why don’t you check out the game scores, we girls will grab drinks. Be right out.”
In the kitchen, Jenna grabbed a couple bottled waters and pulled out a lemon from the fridge to slice. When she turned around to ask if Courtney wanted a beer or wine, Courtney was staring at Helena.
“What’s the matter? Court, what’s the matter?”
“I just… I just… ”
Helena turned and looked at Jenna, then back at Courtney.
“What? What is it?” Jenna put the waters down and moved toward Courtney.
“I look so much like you, Helena. I guess I didn't really notice in Chicago. I look exactly like you.”
Courtney started crying, then Helena, and then Jenna, and then the three of them were hugging and crying, trying to erase the pain of the unknown, of everything that could have been, had such a secret not been wedged into their lives.
“Oh Courtney, I wanted to be a part of your life, of both of your lives, for so long. You have no idea. But your mother wouldn’t have it. I did a terrible thing, and she couldn’t forgive me. But she did an amazing thing. She took you in, both your mom and your dad. She saved you. She wanted to protect you both so badly. I can’t blame her. I can only try to make things right now. All I want is to have a relationship with both of you. That’s all I wish.”
Courtney raised her head, and looked into the eyes of the woman who had given birth to her. Eyes that were exactly like hers.
“That’s what I want. That’s what I wish for too.”
Chapter 84
After the kitchen meltdown, and now that everything was out in the open on where expectations were, everyone relaxed and got into the spirit of the holidays. Mitch brought out his guitar and played goofy holiday songs, creating his own lyrics, suggesting that Rudolph might have been a slightly perverted reindeer searching for kinky love in the North Pole.
They ordered in dinner, and Mitch, Courtney and Jenna drank wine late into the evening, while Helena stuck to water. They all shared stories from their childhoods.
Helena was quiet during most of this time, but did share a couple stories from when she and the girls’ dad were younger. Still, she mostly listened as Jenna and Courtney shared stories about growing up in that very house.
Finally, Helena spoke. “I have a story I want to share.” She sat on the couch, next to Courtney and Mitch. Jenna was settled on pillows near the fireplace hearth, her mother’s crocheted blanket tucked securely around her.
“Okay,” Mitch said. “Helena’s turn.”
“It’s about Courtney, and the first time I held her.” Helena blew air from her mouth, as if she’d been holding it in for nineteen years, waiting to tell this story. She reached over and tentatively touched Courtney’s knee, to check to make sure it was okay that she share this moment with everyone, and when Courtney took her hand in hers and squeezed it, and kept holding it, Helena continued.
“I stopped the meth months before you were born. Well, I tried. I stopped that, but I was doing some other things. Pot mostly. I was so messed up I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was about four months.” She sniffled then, and Courtney was afraid Helena might cry. She gave Helena a reassuring squeeze of her h
and, letting her know it was okay to keep going.
“As soon as I knew, I called your dad. Our parents would have never helped. They never knew. Not even until the day they died. Your grandparents never knew I had a baby, that you belonged to me. They were old school. They had me when they were older. And your dad, he was more of a father to me than our own dad was. I knew he would help. And your mom, too. I knew I could count on them. Courtney, you were a blessing to them. They were struggling to get pregnant again, after Jenna.”
“I never knew that,” Jenna said.
“Me neither,” Courtney added. “But there was a lot we didn’t know.”
“When the cramps started, I seriously thought I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t think a baby could survive all that I had done to my body. But then, in the hospital, there you were. And after everything I had done to myself, and to you, I actually thought I could handle being a mother.”
“You did?” Courtney asked.
“It’s the strangest feeling you have when you have a child. This fierce empowerment. That you can do anything. I wanted to try. But, of course, I couldn’t. I was seventeen. We arranged for me to go into treatment, and for your parents to adopt you.”
Jenna wrapped the blanket around herself tighter, and the fire crackled. Mitch moved closer to Courtney, and Helena took a deep breath and continued her story.
“But I held you. And it was the most glorious moment in my life, even though I was so messed up. There is no amount of drugs that ever made me feel the way I felt when I held you in my arms that very first moment. And that was when I knew I needed to get help. When I saw you there, helpless, and obviously in pain. Because of what I did to you… ” She broke down then, in hard sobs, crying for what she had done to Courtney, for the pain she had caused a little baby so many years ago.
“Helena, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Courtney held onto her, saying it over and over. “I’m okay. We’re here together now.”
“I know, but I still can’t believe what I did to you. You did nothing, and I hurt you. How can you ever forgive me?”
“Helena, I forgave you the minute you gave me to my parents. That was a selfless act. Look what you did for me. For Courtney and for me. Look what you left us. Do you have any idea what all of our lives would have been like had you not given me to Mom and Dad? I’m not sure either of us would be alive,” Courtney hugged her.
“We’re alive, and we’re together, and we’re spending Christmas together, and we’re going to be seeing each other and doing things together,” Courtney said. “I promise.”
Helena wiped her eyes, and looked at Courtney, and then at Jenna. “I want both of you in my life.” Then she looked at Mitch too, and kind of laugh-cried. “And you too, actually. I want this family as my own. It’s just me and your dad, and truthfully, I can’t stand that wife of his!”
Jenna took that moment to lighten the mood. “I’ll drink that that! Mitch, let’s get some more wine in the kitchen. This is a celebration, and we’re here to celebrate the holidays, so let’s do that!” Mitch stood up and reached for Jenna’s hand to help her up off the floor and the two headed for the kitchen, leaving Helena and Courtney alone.
Courtney squeezed Helena and whispered to her, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m so glad you’re here. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. So blessed. Thank you for your sacrifices.”
“Courtney, it’s you I have to thank. Thank you for accepting me.”
Chapter 85
Courtney was in the kitchen wearing her scraggly PNU sweats from freshman year and one of Mitch's T-shirts. She was layering a lasagna with cheese, meat and pasta when Mitch came downstairs Christmas morning.
“There’s my Christmas wish,” he said, putting his arms around her waist and breathing her in.
“Umm, good morning.”
“How are you doing this morning?” he asked.
“You have to ask?” Courtney laughed.
“No, I’m asking about last night’s discussions, not about this morning’s escapades,” he smiled.
“I’m wonderful,” she grinned, spooning sauce over the top of the lasagna.
“She’s pretty great too, I think,” Mitch said.
“I think I’m surrounded by people who are pretty great.” Courtney put the spoon down and turned to face Mitch. “I adore you. Every single speck of you.”
“And I, you. I love you. I love being with you. I love the sunlight you bring into a room. I love that smile you wear every single day, no matter what is happening in your life. You still manage to smile.”
“Did you ever think you might be the cause of this smile?” Courtney asked.
“I hope I continue to bring that smile to your beautiful face. I have a little something for you.”
“Mitch, we said no presents!”
“I know, but, well, I couldn’t not get you something.”
“Do you want to give it to me later?”
“Didn’t I give it to you this morning?” He winked.
“The present!” Courtney laughed.
“No, now.”
“Why now?”
“Because your ears look a little naked.” He tucked her hair behind her earlobes, kissed her neck and moved his lips slowly to meet her lips. Courtney shivered.
He pulled a box from his back pocket and quickly removed what was inside. Without her seeing, he poked an earring into one earlobe, and twisted the back on, and then moved her hair from the other side and slipped the other stud into her left ear.
Courtney moved her hands up to feel her lobes and her eyes got big. “Mitch? What are they?”
“Earrings, silly,” he laughed. “Go look.”
She ran into the hall bathroom with him following and when she saw she let out a squeal. They were diamonds. Tiny diamond studs, but diamonds nonetheless.
“Oh my God Mitch! These are outrageous! They’re beautiful! Thank you!” She studied them for a minute more while he smiled above her in the mirror and then she turned to hug him.
“You’re outrageous and beautiful. I want these to always remind you of that. No matter what happens in your life. Believe it.”
“I will, I promise you that I will. Merry Christmas.”
**
Christmas paper plates were cleared away from the card-table-turned-Christmas-dinner-table (noted as the best cleanup after a holiday ever), and Jenna excused herself to go make a phone call.
In a quiet moment later, after all the bonding and crying over the last day, Mitch had admitted to Courtney that he really missed his family, and he’d like to work on his relationship with his parents and sisters.
“You should call them. Maybe we could visit them for New Year’s. I’d really like to meet them all. I think it’s important, Mitch.”
“I know it is. And I’d like to make things better before too much time goes by. I realize now that they weren’t purposely ignoring me, they were so busy raising four girls. They knew how independent I was and it must have been so hard taking care of so many kids. I know they love me, and I get that it was hard for them, but it was hard for me too. I miss my sisters too.”
“Tell them that then.”
“I will, and I’ll tell them we’ll come for New Year’s.”
“That’ll be wonderful. There’s nothing else I’d rather do,” she hugged him and then he took the stairs two at a time to go make his call.
Helena came into the kitchen then and asked if she could help with any more of the cleanup.
“All done, it was so easy. And we can have dessert when everyone resurfaces.”
“Sure. Hey, you want to come out into the living room for a sec?” Helena asked.
“Yeah, be right there, let me wrap this up and stick it in the fridge.”
Courtney put the leftover lasagna into the fridge and wiped off her hands. It was weird being in her parent’s home, hosting Christmas without her mom. She was feeling melancholy, but not exactly sad. She missed her mom, but it wasn’t li
ke she missed her specifically on this holiday. She missed her mostly at odd times, like if she were in a store and she passed by a woman wearing the same perfume her mother used to wear, she would be hit with a wave of extreme sadness, or if a favorite movie they used to watch was on TV she would burst into tears. It was those kinds of moments where she missed her mother most. Still, she sent up a quiet prayer wishing her mom a Merry Christmas.
When she went out into the living room, Helena was perched on the edge of the couch. She had a package in her lap. “I have a little something for you.”
“I’ve got something for you too, but it’s just something really small,” Courtney went over to the tree and retrieved the red and gold gift she had wrapped for Helena, and handed it to her.
“Should I open it?” Helena asked.
“Yes, open it now,” Courtney said.
Helena took off the bow and then the wrapping. Inside was a photo album with the word FAMILY inscribed on the front.
“It’s beautiful,” Helena said.
“It doesn’t have any pictures in it. Yet. But I’m hoping that you’ll be able to fill it soon. Very soon.”
“Me too. Thank you, Courtney. This is very thoughtful of you.”
“You’re welcome, it’s just something small.”
“I love it. I’ve got something for you too.” Helena handed the package to Courtney. She opened it slowly, and when she did, she let out a small gasp.
“Oh, Helena. You kept this?”
“It’s the most precious thing I’ve ever had.”
“My letter.”
“I cried for days when you sent me that letter, Courtney. You have no idea. In a way, I believed you knew, even back then, that we were connected. That there was something more, something bigger that either of us could understand. When I got that letter from you… well, you obviously know how important it was to me.”
It was the letter that Courtney had written to Helena when she was six years old.
Dear ant helena,
Hi. Its me courtney. i know you want to vizit and I wish you wud. Yur my favrit ant. Im soree you cant come for Crismus. i like when you cam last time and we got some ice creem. my sistre is beng a brat. she is stuped now all she cares about is her frend Lilly and she likes boys. Its dum. i still like playeng dress up and dolls. merree Crismus.
What She Left Us Page 23