love courtney
Helena had placed it in a double frame, and in the frame next to it there were two photos, two that Courtney had never seen before, had never even known they’d been taken. They brought Courtney to heart-wrenching tears.
“Oh Court, don’t cry, baby. Don’t cry. This is supposed to be good. We’re supposed to be happy now. Please don’t cry. I wouldn’t have given these to you if I had any idea they would make you cry like this.”
“It’s… it’s just, they’re beautiful. You loved me. You love me. Then, and now.”
“I do. I do baby. I love you with all of my heart.”
The top photo was of Jenna and Helena and Courtney, on the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier, the time they visited their father when Helena was there. Courtney had been leaning far over the edge in the chair high above, further than she should have been, eyes gleaming with hope and happiness, her smile bright, wind in her hair. Helena’s arms grasped Courtney around her waist, pulling her back toward her protectively, and she was laughing. Jenna sat next to Helena, and even though she was sixteen years old, her head tunneled into Helena’s chest, obviously scared to be up so high.
“I knew they took photos on the Ferris wheel, but had no idea at what point they snapped them. After we got off that day, I went and picked up our photo. I’ve kept it forever. I want you to have it. This is how I see us.”
“I love it.” Courtney said through her tears.
The other photo was sad. Beautifully sad. It was the only photo of Courtney’s birth day. Helena held her in a hospital bed, a blank stare in her eyes, such a sad look, sunken eyes and dark circles, a strange lonely sad girl holding a baby, trying to hold onto hope. It was obvious whoever took the photo (Courtney’s father maybe?) had said, ‘Smile’ because there was a grim attempt at a lifting of the edges of Helena’s lips.
The baby, Courtney, was wrapped in the hospital-issued blanket, yet her arms were outside of the blanket, as if flailing, trying to be free. And her mouth was open, definitely mid-scream. The thought of what Courtney’s infancy must have been like made her cry harder. But then she thought about what Helena’s life must have been like all those years. At least Courtney couldn’t remember the pain of being a sick infant.
“Was this horrible for you?” Courtney asked.
“It was so hard, so very hard,” Helena admitted. “But now… now is the happiest time in my life. Being here with you and Jenna. Knowing I’ve got a place in your lives now. It’s a good reminder of where I’ve come from, and where I know I’ll never go back. I thought you should have it though. Your birth photo.”
“Thank you. Thank you so much.”
There was a noise at the top of the stairs and Mitch shuffled down, smiling from ear to ear. “Just got off the phone with my parents. And I talked to each of my sisters. They’re thrilled we’re coming for New Year’s. And they’re really excited to meet you Court!”
Courtney and Helena brushed away the tears. “That’s great, hon. I can’t wait to meet everyone!” Then Courtney patted the couch next to her. “Come on over here. I want to show you some pictures from when I was little that Helena brought. She brought a picture of the day I was born.”
Chapter 86
Jenna lay on her mother’s bed, dusk settling outside, and she ran her fingers along the edge of the silky crocheted blanket that was always a source of comfort to her. Mitch, Courtney and Helena were downstairs playing some sort of card game Helena had introduced them to, and Jenna had begged off.
Her thoughts were of past Christmases in this very house, and all the noise and joy the holidays used to bring. The day had been nice… almost too quiet, and it was wonderful to spend it with Helena, but now, in the low light of her mother’s room, she felt a longing and a loss that pulled at her heart.
She turned to her side and pulled the blanket up to her nose. She had a lot to think about. The new year was coming, she knew she wanted to continue with her degree. She knew she had made the right decision about Darren, that she was absolutely sure of. She was missing something.
Earlier in the day, she had tried to call Clay.
She hadn’t been happy with the way she had let things happen with their last conversation and she wanted to talk to him. That was what she had been telling herself as she dialed his number. That she simply wanted to wish him a Merry Christmas. But when the call went through and the automated voice came on announcing that the voicemail box was full and not accepting messages, she felt a slight panic rise in her throat. That didn’t seem like something that would happen to Clay’s phone.
So, she took a risk and decided to call Klippy’s on the pretense of checking in with Doug, and to let him know where he might be able to send her last check. Mandy had answered the call.
“Cheers and beers! Klippy’s Merry Christmas!”
“Hey, Mandy, Merry Christmas, it’s Jenna.”
“Hey girl! How are you?”
“Good, uh, I was calling to see if Doug was around. I have a question about my last check.”
“Doug’s not in,” and then, “Wait. You’re not coming back?” she asked, surprised.
“No, didn’t Clay tell you?” Jenna asked, glad to have the opportunity to drop his name into the conversation so early.
“Clay hasn’t been around for a few days.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he decided last-minute to take some time off for the holidays, something about going up to the mountains,” Mandy said, and then, “You want a beer?”
“What?”
“Sorry, Jenna, not you, a customer’s here.”
“Oh. Well, I should let you go. I’ll try to call again after New Year's, and if you see Clay, will you let him know I called?”
“Sure thing! It was great chatting!” And she hung up the phone.
So, that was that. She didn’t know what had happened to Clay and he was all she could think about. If she admitted it to herself, he was all she had been thinking about since that moment in the forest preserve when he had taken her face into his warm hands and kissed her like no one before ever had.
Chapter 87
“I’ll miss you,” Jenna squeezed her eyes tight to stop the telltale tears from coming.
“Don’t cry,” Helena begged. “No more crying. We’re all getting together in March. We’ve promised. With your dad too. And that horrible wife of his even.” She laughed, which caused laughter from Jenna.
“My turn,” Courtney shoved her sister out of the way to make room for her hug. “We have to get this over with or else the sprinklers will turn on, and really, I’m so tired of crying. We’re all good now, right? Done crying. Done. See, no more tears!” Courtney made a silly face to indicate she was absolutely positively done with the tears, and that sparked a bit of laughter.
“Group hug and then I’m out of here. The taxi’s waiting and I know he’s got that clock running. I’ll call the minute I land in Chicago.” To Jenna she said, “Let me know what you decide you’re going to do. If you need a change of scenery, you’re always welcome.” To Courtney she said, “Keep up your studies.” Then she put her hand on her forehead. “Oh my God, I almost sound like a mother. Never mind. You both be good to each other. I love you both!”
Helena picked up her bag, hugged them both once more, and walked down the front step. Courtney and Jenna followed her outside into the cold, blustery day. Before Helena got into the taxi, she turned and blew them a kiss, and shouted, “Love you girls!”
Jenna waved and Courtney ran to the taxi for one last hug. “I love you so much,” she whispered into her birth mother’s ear. Helena clasped her hands alongside Courtney’s cheeks and looked into her daughter’s eyes. “You have no idea what a gift it is to hear those words from you. I love you too.”
As the taxi drove away, Courtney wrapped her jacket tightly around herself. Jenna walked over to Courtney and put her arm around her. They didn’t say anything until the taxi was out of sight.
“Wow,” Courtney
exhaled.
“Some Christmas huh?”
“Some year.”
They turned toward the house and were surprised to see Mrs. Crand and two of her scraggly cats in the yard next door. She was in a housecoat and flimsy jacket attempting to shovel her front steps, which looked like an accident waiting to happen.
“Would you like some help?” Jenna offered.
“Oh, hello. Are you the new neighbors?”
“Mrs. Crand, it’s us, Jenna and Courtney.”
“Oh, silly me. I don’t have my glasses on. Well, come on over here girls. I’d love to say hello.”
Jenna and Courtney walked over and Mrs. Crand squinted at each of them, inspecting them carefully. Jenna took the shovel from her hand.
“My, you two look lovely. How are you doing?”
“We’re good, and how are you?” Jenna asked.
“Oh fine. I’ve got some of those cookies that your daughter loves so much, if you’d like to bring her over sometime?”
“Sure, maybe sometime,” Jenna offered.
“Do you remember when those little girls lived next door?” Mrs. Crand asked.
Jenna and Courtney exchanged a knowing glance.
“They were the sweetest things. I used to watch them play in the backyard. They would swing for hours on their swing set. Those two little girls were such funny little imps to watch. The older one, I forget her name? She would push the little one so high up in the sky, and she would squeal her little heart out. That’s how I knew they were out there playing. I would be in the kitchen, baking, and I could hear them laughing and playing outside for hours. I would peek at them from my kitchen window. The two of them out there, just having the time of their lives.
“I never had a sister. I always wanted one. I always thought those were the luckiest girls. Sure, I have Whiskers and Mittens here, but it’s not the same as a sister. Some days those little girls would have tea parties, other days they would spend hours playing in the sprinklers. One thing for sure, they loved each other so much. I always wondered what happened to them. If they grew up happy? I hope they grew up happy.”
“Why don’t we take you inside, Mrs. Crand. We can have my boyfriend come over and shovel for you later, if that's all right?” Courtney offered.
“Why yes, that would be lovely, thank you girls.”
They took Mrs. Crand inside, and when they left, she gave them a container of raisin oatmeal cookies.
Jenna took her sister’s hand in hers. It was warm and comfortable, the hand of a sister she’d known her whole life. “Want to take a short walk around the block before we go back?” she asked.
“Sure,” Courtney said, then looked at Jenna and asked, “We grew up happy, didn’t we? We should have told Mrs. Crand we were happy.”
“I think despite everything, we’ve been really lucky, and yes, we grew up very happy.” Jenna smiled. “We’ve been blessed with each other for sisters, how could we not be happy?”
“We’re okay, right?” Courtney asked.
Jenna grabbed her sister and hugged her tightly. She could feel her warmth, despite the cold air surrounding them, and she thought for a minute that she would cry. She wanted to put the smell of her sister, the feel of her hair, the warmth and the strength of her… everything to memory.
Then Jenna let her go. “We’re better than 'okay,' we're amazing.”
“I can’t even imagine if I never had you for my sister.” Courtney smiled.
“Let’s get back. Mitch is going to wonder where we are.”
They grabbed each other’s hands and raced toward their mother’s house, the house where they first became sisters, where they fought and they loved, where they told secrets to one another, and where they were a family. They were leaving this house soon, but they would never not be sisters, no matter who gave birth to each of them.
There was gratefulness in their hearts, and nostalgia, and a sadness for what had been, but mostly, there was peace. Because of what had transpired in their past, they were now able to look forward to a beautiful future, and whatever would come of it, there was something they would always be sure of, the love they had for one another was the bond of sisters, strong and deep.
The girls huddled together in the cold as they made their way to their mom’s house for what would be one of the last times, and Mitch waved to them from the front porch. Courtney ran ahead of Jenna and up the three steps of the porch. Mitch opened his arms and collected Courtney into a hug while Jenna slowed her pace and watched from the walkway. Her throat closed up, an overwhelming feeling of longing clung to her, and she felt like an intruder, watching them. Mitch touched Courtney's cheek and whispered something into her ear and whatever he said to her, whatever private moment shared between the two, it lit up her whole face.
Jenna lowered her head and toyed with the button on her coat as she made her way up the stairs, but a thought was already forming. She knew she couldn’t continue having these feelings, she knew she had to make some changes, do something that would make her really happy, and seeing Mitch and Courtney together like this confirmed to her that she had to follow her heart, no matter the consequences.
She brushed by Mitch and Courtney, mumbled "sorry" and went into the house.
"Where's the fire?" Courtney asked.
"I've got something important I have to take care of," Jenna yelled behind her.
"Where? Where are you going?" Courtney rushed into the house, Mitch following her.
"Don't worry about it, it's just something I have to do."
Chapter 88
When she walked into Klippy's she knew right away that Clay wasn't there. She could feel it in her soul. The place was void of him. In fact, it was void of practically everyone. A couple of tables were filled, but everything looked so unfamiliar to her. She recognized one waitress who had started the week before she went home, but she couldn't recall her name. Was it Margie? Maggie? The girl turned her head and nodded at Jenna in recognition, then went back to one of her tables. She probably thought Jenna was back to work.
There was a single customer at the bar, someone who looked like he might have spent the last week there, head hung low, mumbling into a glass of scotch, hair disheveled. He was twisting a cocktail straw and talking to a bartender that Jenna had never seen before. The bartender was leaning on his elbows listening intently to the guy, as if his last tip depended on it, and most likely it did if this was the only guy who came into Klippy's during the holiday.
Jenna sighed.
The bartender noticed her. "Oh sorry, I'll be with you in a sec," he said.
"That's okay, I'm going to use the ladies' room."
"Back that way," he pointed.
"I know," Jenna answered.
She hoped maybe Clay was in the back but then she thought there was no way they'd have two bartenders working this shift, so she went into the bathroom and ran cold water on her face. She had put on makeup, even curled her hair, but who was she kidding? Why had she gone through the effort? He wasn't here. She didn't know where he was, or when she would see him. She had already admitted to herself that she was in love with Clay, had known this the minute he kissed her, but now, now was it too late?
She swung the bathroom door open and went back to the bar. Maggie-Margie nodded in her direction. "You on shift today?"
"Oh no, I'm not." Jenna smiled at her.
"That's good, cuz I need all the tips I can get, and it's a real slow day," Maggie-Margie said.
Jenna took a seat at the bar, far away from Mr. Been-Here-All-Week and waited for the bartender.
"Hey, what can I get you?" he asked.
"I actually work here. Worked here. Well, I might still work here. I don't know," Jenna sighed. "Is Doug coming in later?"
"Yeah, he should be in around three. I'm Patrick." He put his hand out and Jenna shook it.
"Jenna."
"You're Jenna?"
"Um, yeah."
"Clay's Jenna?"
"What do you m
ean, Clay's Jenna?"
"Only that he talks about Jenna all the time. Assuming that's you?"
Jenna's heart hammered in her chest, she could feel it through her ears, and the blood through her body turned panic-hot. "He does?" she asked.
"Yep."
"Where is he?"
"Well, he went to the mountains for Christmas, but I'm pretty sure he's back. He's helping over at Carina's for a while. She fell and broke her leg."
Jenna grabbed her purse and keys and swiveled off the barstool.
"Do you want me to give him a message for you?" Patrick hollered after her.
"Nope!" Jenna yelled. "I'll give it to him myself!"
Chapter 89
The roads were slick with ice as she drove up the hills to get to Carina's Café and she tried to concentrate on keeping the car from sliding. But her thoughts were all about Clay. She recalled the first time she met him, how he had joked with her about the beer she had ordered, and then how he had spent so much time listening to her talk about her personal problems. He had been there for her at her lowest, and he always managed to lift her spirits up when she was feeling down.
And then, when she got sick, he had been considerate and caring, nothing like how Darren had been, all-consumed in his job. Clay had dropped everything to come to the hospital to be there when Courtney was admitted. Clay had calmed her down. Clay had been her… it seemed that Clay was her everything.
She wanted him to be her everything.
She was absolutely sure of it. And if Patrick was telling the truth, that she was all that Clay had been talking about, then Clay felt the same about Jenna.
She pumped her brakes, and turned the corner, inching slower as she got closer to Carina's. She had no idea what she would say to Clay, and hoped that he would forgive her for being indecisive. She had to get the closure with Darren, she knew that. And that was good. She had ended things with him, completely, forever.
What She Left Us Page 24