Visiting Hours

by Tagan Shepard

  “Weighed less than two pounds, I heard.”

  They were all quiet for a long moment, lost in their own thoughts. Alison’s stomach was like a lead weight.

  “Dr. Baker’s the one who asked the chaplain to talk to us after he’d met with the parents.” Nancy’s fingers hit the keys harder as she continued, “Dr. Emmett would never have done that. Wouldn’t have occurred to him how we’d feel.”

  The tall nurse crossed her arms over her chest. “And she’s down in the Blood Bank now. Said they were pretty shook up. Wanted to thank them. Who’s ever heard of a doctor thanking the lab for something? Especially in person.” She shook her head and her eyes finally fell on Alison. She stepped over to the counter with a warm smile. “I’m sorry! I didn’t see you there. Can I help you with something?”

  Alison swallowed hard, trying to digest everything she heard. “I need to speak to Jess.”

  The nurse gave her a searching look. “Dr. Baker isn’t on the floor at the moment.”

  “I heard.” She leaned forward, the countertop cold against her bare forearms. “Where is the Blood Bank?”

  Nancy came over and practically elbowed the other nurse out of the way, her expression cold. “The Blood Bank is on the first floor, but it is not an area accessible to visitors. If you’d like to wait here for Dr. Baker to return…”

  Before she could finish the sentence, Alison was gone. She walked purposefully to the stairwell at the end of the hall and slammed her way through the door. She had only the vaguest idea where she was going, but she would walk the entire first floor a hundred times if that’s what it took. She could at least check with the information desk when she got to the lobby. She had to talk to Jess, and she didn’t want to do it in front of those nurses.

  She only made it down to the third-floor landing before the sound of a door banging loudly open startled her. She stopped and looked down over the railing. There was a flash of a white coat on the landing a couple of flights down. She heard a muffled choking sound, and something in the timbre of the voice was familiar.

  She knew before Jess’s face came into view between the thickly painted metal handrails that it would be her. She knew from the strangled noise that she was upset. What Alison hadn’t expected was the knife in her chest when she saw tears streaming down Jess’s face. Another sob threatened to escape, and Jess raised the back of a trembling hand to her lips to stifle it. She didn’t look up, didn’t see Alison. Instead, she looked around the landing and bolted through a door to her left. When it closed behind her Alison could see the sign that read ‘Basement Access-No Exit.’ She took the stairs two at a time in her rush to follow.

  Behind the door was another landing, this one dimly lit with only a single flight of stairs descending from it. This was obviously an area of the hospital not meant for visitors. The stairs were stained metal, the paint on the walls chipped. A smell of dust and machinery was heavy in the too-warm air. At the base of the stairs stood a door with a shiny padlock the size of her fist. She didn’t see Jess anywhere, but the sound of crying echoed a thousand times in the cramped space. She had stepped down onto the concrete floor before she noticed the nook underneath the stairs.

  Jess squatted there underneath the stairs. Her arms lay across her bent knees, her face pressed hard against them. Her whole body shook with tears. Alison’s mouth dropped open at the sight. This woman, the same one who lifted her up and carried her across her apartment like she weighed nothing at all just a couple of days ago, had been brought to her knees. It was overwhelming. A sick pulse in her gut reminded her that Jess had probably been feeling exactly this way last night. She should have held her. Should have been a shoulder for her to cry on.

  An image so vivid it wiped everything else from her mind floated across her vision. In it she had stepped inside Jess’s apartment the night before. Had accepted a drink from the square bottle and sat on the comfortable-looking couch. Had spoken quietly instead of shouted. Had felt Jess’s tears soaking through the fabric of her shirt and dampening the skin of her shoulder. There were other tears there too. Her own falling like drops of crystal and rolling down a slope of cotton covering Jess’s back. The kind of tears that actually made you feel better instead of exponentially worse.

  The image faded and the thick paste of sadness and regret slid back into her stomach. All that kept her eyes dry now was fear. Fear of how badly she had broken everything. Watching Jess, she knew there was barely the glimmer of a chance she would ever be forgiven. She’d had the opportunity last night to be the better version of herself. She’d had a chance then to comfort Jess and take back in kind. To be what Jess needed her to be. Instead, the woman who meant so much to her was here hiding, huddled beneath a staircase in a dark basement, crying alone. Alison had no doubt she was part of the reason Jess had broken down.

  The guilt flaring in her intensified her love. She could feel her heartbeat in her throat as she moved across the cold floor. It thudded in her ears and blocked out everything else. She knelt in front of Jess and reached out a trembling hand. She watched her own fingers shake and then make contact with the back of Jess’s head.

  Jess may have missed the sound of footsteps on the metal stairs, but she couldn’t miss someone touching her. Her head shot up and her back pressed protectively against the painted cinderblock. Alison moved with her, slipping her hand from the back of her head to her cheek. Her thumb wiped away the tears and she stared into her red-rimmed green eyes.

  For a moment that seemed to last an eternity, Jess’s indecision was plain. She almost leaned into the touch. Almost accepted the comfort. Maybe even almost threw herself into Alison’s arms. But the moment broke, and anger swept across her face.

  Jess shot to her feet, shoving Alison’s hand off her. Her words dripped with the venom Alison expected. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  Alison stayed on her knees, her head bent and the ghost of Jess’s skin still burning on her palm. “I was looking for you.”

  Her voice was colder than the concrete. “Well you found me. Now go away.”

  She stood and squared her shoulders, taking as long as possible until she had to look into Jess’s eyes. She knew she would see anger and hurt there, and she wasn’t wrong. “I want to talk.”

  Jess scrubbed the back of her hand across her face. “I think you’ve done quite enough talking. I’m done. I don’t have anything more to say.”

  She tried to shoulder past, but Alison stepped in her path. “Jess please.” Jess tried to move around the other way. Alison blocked her again. “Please let me apologize.”

  “No. I can’t do this. Not here. Not now. Not at all.”

  Alison reached out, but Jess grabbed her by the wrist and spoke through clenched teeth. “Enough! I said stop!” The grip wasn’t painful, but it was firm enough to make her hold still. “You can’t just bat your eyelashes and say you’re sorry, Alison. The things you said…”

  “Were horrible.” Alison stepped forward slowly, closing the gap between them. “They were judgmental and selfish and cruel. You didn’t deserve that.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  Alison took another step. She could feel Jess’s breath on her face, but her arm was bent at an uncomfortable angle where Jess was still holding her wrist. “I hurt you because I was hurting, and I…”

  She dropped Alison’s wrist and grabbed her shoulders, spinning her around and reversing their positions so that Alison’s back pressed into the wall. She crowded into Alison’s space, anger flashing in her eyes again. “You were hurting? You were hurting! Again, it’s all about Ali. Your feelings always trump everyone else’s don’t they? Don’t they, Alison?”

  She pushed away and turned to leave, but Alison grabbed the lapels of her lab coat and pulled her back in close. “Not anymore.”

  She would no longer be denied, no longer let Jess hold her at arm’s length. She pulled Jess into her and their mouths came crashing together. Initially, Jess allowed the kiss. Her lips responded
almost of their own accord. A moment later, her whole body went rigid. It was like kissing a marble statue. Still, the need in Alison kept her pressed to those cold, unmoving lips for longer than she should have. Finally she pulled back, but she didn’t let go of Jess’s coat, sure that she’d try to leave again.

  Jess’s face was livid with anger. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  The only thought running through her head was the one she gave voice to. “I love you.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “I love you.”

  Jess leaned in, spit flying off her clenched teeth as she hissed. “You don’t even know what love is. You have no idea.”

  “I love you.”

  “Stop saying that!”

  Her shout echoed in the enclosed space, and stole the breath from Alison’s lungs. She stood there, leaning aggressively toward Alison, panting with barely suppressed rage. “You know why I couldn’t see you? Couldn’t talk to you after everything went wrong? Because I knew you’d act exactly like you did. I knew if that little boy didn’t make it, you would blame me. You would hate me.”

  Alison’s nails dug deep into her palms, even through the fabric of Jess’s coat and shirt. “I wouldn’t have…”

  “I’ve known for so long that he barely had a chance, but I fought and I pushed and I put him and Beth through so much just because I didn’t want to lose you. You know what that makes me? It makes me a bad doctor. It makes me an asshole.”

  “You should have trusted me.”

  “I couldn’t talk to you because I just wanted one more day. One more hour even, of you being mine before you broke my heart.”

  “I thought you didn’t want me. We made love and it was the most amazing night of my life and then you rush out of the house and I don’t hear from you. What was I supposed to think? Then you text and it’s so cold and I was sure I’d never hear from you again. It hurt so bad.”

  “I was up all night with him, watching him fight for life. Beth started hemorrhaging and I almost lost her too. How do you think I felt?”

  “When I finally heard from Stephen…The first thing that popped in my head was ‘thank God, she still wants me. This is why she didn’t call.’”

  Jess looked into Alison’s eyes and her face softened.

  She tried to make her voice strong when she continued, “You know what that makes me? It makes me a bad friend. It makes me an asshole.” She pulled Jess against her, pinning herself to the wall with her body. “I took it out on you. I hate myself almost as much as you hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  Alison didn’t believe it. The body pressed against hers was still rigid. Jess still held her hands at her sides. “Yes, you do. And you should.”

  Jess didn’t answer, she just stood there like she was carved out of stone. Alison buried her face in her neck, trying to block out her fear with the smell of the woman she loved. Underneath the hospital smell that clung to her, she could just make out the faint lemony scent mixed with musk. Her stomach flipped with desire, and she couldn’t stop herself. She leaned in and kissed Jess’s neck, just beside her pulse point. She could feel the blood pumping through the vein against her lips. It felt so good that she did it again, this time a little higher, her nose brushing against Jess’s jaw.

  “What are you…” Her breath hitched when Alison ran the tip of her tongue along the column of her throat. “What are you doing?”

  She ran her teeth over the hinge of Jess’s jaw and pressed her body forward. “Showing you how sorry I am.”

  She wrapped her lips around Jess’s earlobe and sucked lightly, earning a quiet groan. She dropped one fistful of shirt and grabbed Jess’s breast, kneading it roughly. She could feel the fight in Jess’s body, trying not to succumb to what Alison was doing, but it was a losing battle from the start.

  Jess surged forward, pressing Alison hard against the wall. She shoved a knee between Alison’s legs and used it to wedge them apart. Settling herself against Alison, she grabbed the hand that still gripped her lapel and held it against the wall. Then she forced Alison’s chin up with the other and smothered her in a possessive kiss. She shoved her tongue past Alison’s lips and claimed her mouth, kissing her with an almost feral intensity.

  Alison kissed her back with everything she had. More than anything she had ever wanted in her life, she wanted Jess. She wanted her to know everything she felt. She forced a hand between their bodies and tugged at the button of her own pants. She heard the plastic of it clatter to the ground as her force ripped it free. She had to tug at the zipper several times before it opened.

  Grabbing Jess’s hand from her chin, she shoved it roughly down. Jess groaned into her mouth. Alison canted her hips forward, begging with her body for relief, but the wordless request wasn’t enough. She broke the kiss reluctantly and looked into Jess’s eyes. They were glazed with lust, and fresh desire burned through her.

  “Please, Jess.”

  Her begging had a profound effect. Jess bared her teeth and then lurched forward, sinking a bite into the bunched muscle of her shoulder. At the same moment, she buried two fingers deep inside Alison in one swift, unforgiving stroke.

  It was too fast and it was too hard and it was absolutely perfect. Alison cried out at the burn inside her, but tilted her hips up and out to take even more. Jess didn’t wait for her, she started a torturous rhythm. All she could do was throw her arm around Jess’s neck and hold on, riding through the waves of indescribable pleasure. This was not the woman who had been so gentle and hesitant with her all weekend, but it was the woman she needed right now. All she could hope was that it was the woman Jess needed to be.

  Even as her own release was building, she adjusted her stance, bringing a thigh between Jess’s legs and pulling her hips against her own. In time with the rhythm of her thrusts, she moved against Alison, moaning as need coursed through her. They moved with each other, locked together in that perfect way that had come so naturally for her with Jess, but she had never managed to find so easily with anyone else. Every touch, every breath giving to the other exactly what she needed.

  Alison did not allow herself time to think. She focused on the pleasure both given and received, knowing that if she strayed from that, even for a moment, fear and doubt would take her over. For all the turmoil she felt when they were apart, being with Jess let her feel instead of think. Here, in this moment, with the press of her solid body and the taste of her skin on Alison’s tongue, she was able to quiet her mind. Able to trust in her heart and the healing balm of Jess’s touch.

  Lost in the exquisite rhythm, Alison’s pleasure built beyond her limits.

  “Jess! God I’m going to…”

  Her warning came too late. She shouted into the warm flesh of Jess’s neck, and Jess was not far behind her. Her body shook against Alison and the explosion forced a bark from her. The sound continued long enough for Jess to run out of air, and it ended in a whimper.

  As the pleasure subsided, Jess’s whimper changed to a sob. She pulled Alison off the wall into the circle of her arms, hugging her almost painfully close and dissolving into tears. Alison wrapped her arms around Jess, stroking her sweat-soaked hair and whispering love in her ear. When it seemed Jess’s knees would give way she eased her to the floor.

  Jess pulled Alison into her lap. Her tears flowed freely, soaking into Alison’s skin just as they had in that scene Alison had imagined of the previous night. She held Alison close as she cried. Alison cried too, but her tears were equal parts grief and relief.

  They sat like that for a long time, on the dusty floor of the hospital basement wrapped in each other’s arms. Jess avoided Alison’s eyes. She pressed her face into Alison’s shoulder until Alison pulled her chin up so they could look at each other.

  Her cheeks were pink and she stammered when she said, “I…um…I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

  “No you didn’t.” Alison blushed a little herself. “I’m sorry I came at you like that. I got a li
ttle carried away.”

  “I’m not exactly complaining.” Jess allowed herself something like a smile before continuing, “I should have let you talk instead of being a stubborn brat.”

  “I haven’t exactly given you much reason to want to talk to me.” She took a deep breath and looked at her lap. “Jess, I…”

  “You don’t have to apologize again. I heard you. Besides, it’s my turn to say I’m sorry. I said some pretty terrible things to you.”

  “I deserved them.”

  “No you didn’t.”

  “They’re true.” She swallowed hard, trying to force the shame she felt back inside. “You were right. I am judgmental and I am definitely selfish.”

  “That doesn’t mean you deserved it.”

  “Maybe not, but I needed to hear it all the same.”

  “Well you were right about me too.” She took Alison’s hand in hers and rubbed the pad of her thumb across her palm. “I’ve been crazy about you since the minute we met. I would have found a way to get you to go out with me no matter what. Then it turns out you’re the best friend of my hardest case. I’ve known for a while it would take a miracle to save that little boy, and I got it into my head that…that if I didn’t save him you would hate me.”

  “It isn’t your fault, Jess.”

  “It all got wrapped up together somehow. Saving him and being with you. It felt wrong to date you and know the chances were so slim. I didn’t want to fall for you, but I couldn’t stay away. I know sometimes I came off as…uninterested. I thought if I kept you at arm’s length it wouldn’t hurt so badly when I couldn’t work a miracle and you broke it off.”

  “I don’t blame you for not being able to save him.”

  “I just wanted to slay the dragon for you.”

  “Slay the…” Their lunch at Burger Bach. Alison’s stomach dropped. “Jess, that wasn’t a challenge. I was just…We were just talking. I don’t actually expect an act of chivalry. Did you think all this time I needed you to work some miracle for me to love you?”