Gravity (Free Falling)

by St. Pierre, Raven

  I shook my head. “No, not really.” All I really wanted was to be next to him, but there wasn’t any way I’d ever say that out loud.

  “Then we’ll just drive,” he said and backed away from my house. The breeze was blowing through my window, causing me to close my eyes. I felt more relaxed around him now outside of school. There wasn’t much of a reason to worry about anyone seeing us and thinking anything.

  The sound of AJ yawning made me face him and reopen my eyes. “Tired?”

  “Just a little. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he replied.

  “Why not? What was wrong?”

  He smiled. “Nothing was wrong….…I just couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

  That was the exact moment that he stole Antonio’s butterflies. The same familiar feeling now perked up when I heard AJ’s words.

  “I was thinking about you too,” I admitted shyly. “A lot.” That made him smile as he looked onward at the road ahead.

  “Is that why you wouldn’t kiss him earlier?” AJ asked cockily.

  “You saw that.” He’d confirmed my suspicions.

  “Made my day actually,” he replied. “How’d he handle the rejection?”

  “I caught him off guard, but I made something up about being sick and not wanting to pass it to him. The same thing I told him to make sure he didn’t try to come by yesterday.”

  “Did you two have plans?” AJ asked, turning to look at me briefly.

  “No, not yesterday. He just called when you were on your way and I told him I didn’t feel well and he bought it.” I paused. “We were actually supposed to go to the mall this afternoon, though…..but I wanted to be here instead.”

  AJ seemed to play it cool most of the time, but that made him grin harder than I think he intended to. “What’d you tell him this time?”

  “Cramps. That was all he had to hear. He basically said it was cool and walked me to my car.”

  AJ laughed. “So, that’s like ten lies in one day. Sounds like somebody has a bad habit.”

  I looked at him and then down at my feet. “Not until lately.” He looked at me again, but didn’t say anything. I think he understood that I was only being so dishonest because that was the only way I could be with him. He was right; lying is a terrible habit, but getting him out of my system would be a much bigger problem than telling the truth.

  We pulled up to a gas station. “Want anything?” He asked

  “No, I’m fine. Thanks.” I watched him go inside and disappear behind a shelf. With him gone, I had a chance to think and regroup. Whenever he’s around, my mind goes haywire and I couldn’t seem to get my brain to work right. It was still unclear to me what I was doing, but I now knew that the crush I’d questioned myself about the day before was in full effect. There was no sense in denying it because I had it bad. I was about two seconds from scribbling his name all over my notebook and seeing how my first name looked beside his last name. As juvenile as that sounds, it was just that crucial.

  I straightened up when I saw him coming back to the car with a bag full of stuff, and a large bottle of juice tucked under his arm. Before he got to the car, I leaned over and opened his door since his hands were full. “Did you buy the whole store?” I asked.

  “Nope, just some snacks.” He reached into the bag, grabbed what looked like a family sized pack of Twix and opened it. I watched him shove one in his mouth and was honestly shocked that someone with a body like his had ever eaten something so unhealthy. “Want one?” He asked.

  “No, thanks.”

  AJ laughed and shook his head. “Why do girls do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Get around guys and pretend that they don’t eat anything. If you’re hungry…just eat,” he said and shrugged his shoulders as he ate another. “Here try one. They’re good.” Before I could protest, he held one to my lips and force fed me while smiling. I rolled my eyes at him and chewed grudgingly. There was chocolate all over my lips and a string of caramel stretching from my lip to my chin. I couldn’t have been more embarrassed.

  AJ smiled and licked his lips as he finished his last piece. His eyes were glued to my mouth and I just knew he was looking at my messy face. I had no tissue and chances are he didn’t have any in his car either; most guys don’t. When AJ first reached toward me, I thought he was going for the glove compartment, but I was wrong – very wrong. He touched my lip and swiped the strand of caramel from it and then sucked it from his finger while watching my reaction. My mouth forgot how to chew. Instead, I sat there with a mouthful of Twix, staring at him. All traces of embarrassment faded.

  I was beginning to read AJ’s signals loud and clear. It felt like it became swelteringly hot inside the car all of a sudden. “Why is it so warm in here?” I asked, struggling to find the switch to roll my window down further.

  AJ smiled and threw the car into drive and left the gas station. We drove straight down the same road we’d started on and didn’t worry about where we’d end up. “Do you need to call and tell your parents anything?” He asked.

  I checked the time. “No. As long as I get home by like seven, they probably won’t question me. What about you?” I asked. “Do you need to check in or something?”

  “Nope. I’m on your schedule.” He was so nonchalant. I relaxed in my seat again and watched him frequently from the corner of my eye. We approached a yellow light and AJ put his foot on the brake abruptly, deciding at the last minute to stop; probably only because I was with him. The bottle of juice he’d bought rolled to the floor, causing both of us to reach for it and narrowly escape a collision like the one we’d had in Government the Friday before. We both stopped just short bumping heads and stared at one another. My fingers grazed the side of the bottle, but I couldn’t move to pull it up. My mouth couldn’t have been more than an inch away from his and I was spellbound. Our eyes were locked on one another and I felt warm air steadily caressing my bottom lip as it escaped AJ’s lungs. Slowly, his gaze dropped to my mouth and I felt it coming. He wanted it. I wanted it. The need to kiss him was so strong in that instant.

  It didn’t take me long to completely forget about Antonio and come to the conclusion that I was about to let this happen. AJ moved toward me ever so slightly when he decided to make a move. Subconsciously, I closed my eyes and prepared myself and my heart for what was about to take place, licking my lips just before we would make contact. My fingers and toes began to tingle with anticipation and I was desperate to know what kissing him would be like.

  The sound of a horn blaring behind us startled my eyes back open, and just like that, our moment had passed. AJ and I both sat back in our seats as the world around us began to rotate again after stopping for those few short seconds that gravity could no longer hold us down.

  He turned around and glared at the driver angrily as if they should’ve known they were interrupting such an intimate moment. While he accelerated, I retrieved the bottle like I’d originally set out to do. I separated the metal cap from the glass bottle, causing it to pop when the seal was broken. I hadn’t even thought to ask if AJ minded before opening it, but figured I should before drinking. “Do you mind if I get some?” I asked.

  He gave me a weird look. “Why would I mind?”

  I shrugged and took one dainty swig, being careful not to put my mouth on it just in case he had a pet peeve about that. As I was screwing the top back on, I could see him shaking his head from side to side. “Such a girl,” he accused.

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  “It is when it keeps you from being yourself. We’re not in Kindergarten. I know you don’t have cooties,” he replied.

  I smiled and removed the cap again, drinking from it like I owned it this time. “Better?” I asked.

  “Much.” He grabbed the bottle from me before I could reseal it and took a drink too.

  “One of the main things I like about you is that you seem so real. You don’t have to change when you’re around me,” he e
xplained.

  “What else do you like about me?” I asked boldly.

  AJ smiled and rambled off a list as though he’d been hoping that the opportunity would present itself eventually. “Your eyes were the first thing I noticed. Then your lips; I like how they move when you talk. I like the way you dress. I like that you’re artistic; most artists are more expressive whick makes them so much more interesting to talk to,” he said. I was trying not to blush as he complimented me so readily that he came across as a fan. “I like that you’re open minded,” he continued. “I could see us talking for hours and I imagine I’d never get tired of hearing you explain how you see the world. Even the way you think is beautiful.”

  My heart felt like it stopped cold in my chest as I stared at him. I don’t think he knew it, but that last part was possibly the most perfectly flattering thing anyone had ever said to me.

  “Wow…” was all I could say back. This was getting much heavier than I’d intended for it to get…..and that made me nervous. The fact still remained that I was supposed to be with Antonio. The more I talked and interacted with AJ, the hazier my mind got. He’d, in a matter of days, gotten under my skin in a way that it took Antonio six months to do. How could the two nearly be equal to me and AJ was basically still a stranger?

  At almost seven on the dot, we pulled into my driveway and I was dreading having to suffer through dreams of him like the night before. It was inevitable.

  “Well, I guess I should get inside. My dad’s gonna start blowing up my phone in a minute. I can feel it,” I stated. AJ nodded and I could tell that his feelings had gotten stronger just as mine had.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  I was uncomfortable again, similarly to the way I felt when it was time to say goodbye the day before. Whatever happened, I was more than ready for it.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” AJ stated just before pressing his lips to my cheek gently. They were soft and hot and I couldn’t stop myself form imagining what it would’ve been like to have them touch mine.

  “Ok…..goodnight,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I really didn’t want to leave him. I opened the door to the car and hesitated for a fraction of a second when I placed my foot on the ground. Would it be so bad if I made the first move and kissed him? As if a real kiss just wasn’t meant to happen that night, my phone rang and I knew it was my father without looking at it. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I turned to tell AJ goodbye one last time and then hurried up to the door. Normally, I would’ve been frustrated with my father’s impatience, but for some reason I had a strong feeling that this wasn’t going to be my only chance to steal some of AJ’s time; he’d be around for a while if I had anything to do with it.

  Chapter Four

  The next morning I awoke at 5:28, two minutes before my alarm was scheduled to sound – a telltale sign of the sleepless night I’d suffered through. It felt like I flew through my morning routine at light speed, and before I knew it, I had my backpack on my shoulder and was heading out to my car. The thought of seeing AJ again was my motivation.

  Once at school, I parked my car and waited there for a while. I still had about 15 minutes before the bell would ring, so I opened the door to let in the fresh autumn air, leaning back in my seat to relax. Flashbacks of the night before with AJ wove in and out of memories of me and Antonio. I didn’t expect to feel so bad after sneaking off with AJ, but I did. I had the bags under my eyes to prove it. At around three in the morning I concluded that the reason I was so guilt-ridden was because of how quickly I was developing feelings for him. The possibility of falling for someone so fast had my mind reeling, but I couldn’t deny what was happening. It made me question myself on so many things – things that I either didn’t have the answers to or simply wasn’t ready to accept just yet.

  In the midst of my murky thoughts, I looked up to find Antonio pulling into the parking spot next to me. He’d definitely be making his way over to talk, so I prepared myself. Very few things got past him so I also expected him to address the fact that I’d been a little distant the past couple days. I worked to push AJ out of my brain, surprising myself with how difficult a task that was. Since yesterday, he alone occupied my thoughts. This realization brought another pang of guilt.

  After gathering his things, Antonio stepped out of his truck and walked toward me. He leaned down and kissed my cheek as I smiled up at him dimly, secretly wishing that he was someone else. Remorse surfaced again. Pushing that feeling aside, I locked and closed the door before following Antonio inside the building. Before going our separate ways he turned and looked at me once more. “You sure you’re ok? You seem like something’s wrong.”

  I forced a smile and cleared my throat. “No, I’m fine, just got some things on my mind. That’s all.” Yeah…..another guy.

  “Anything you wanna talk about?” He asked sympathetically.

  I felt a pain in my stomach like someone twisting a knife in it. Hearing the concern in his tone made me feel terrible. Here he was thinking I was really going through something when the only thing wrong was that I was starting to have feelings for someone else. It wasn’t right, and my body was starting to reject this secret I was keeping. My head spun. “Nope, just some family stuff,” I lied. Each untruth worsened the discomfort. I hated every minute of it.

  “Well, if you need to talk you know where to find me.” He smiled and turned to go to his class.

  I stood there watching him until he disappeared in the classroom. This is so wrong. Antonio genuinely cared for me and I was proving to be less and less deserving of his affection as the seconds passed. I dragged myself to homeroom where I took my seat at the back of the classroom and put my head down on my arms, only looking up briefly when Mr. Talbert took attendance. He must have sensed that something wasn’t right, because the next thing I know I felt his hand on my shoulder and I looked up to find him standing over me.

  “Is everything alright Ms. Kelley?” He asked caringly.

  “Yeah, everything’s cool.”

  Mr. Talbert smiled warmly before walking away. If my torment was so obvious that even he noticed, then I’d need to do a better job of holding it together.

  I wanted more than anything to be certain of my feelings and to know if true happiness lied with Antonio or AJ. I almost felt stupid for even comparing the two. On the one hand, I’d been with Antonio for six months, had feelings for him for nearly two years, and we both had time invested in this relationship. On the other hand, there was AJ, who I was almost completely unaware of just a few short days ago, but hadn’t stopped thinking about since. Was I crazy? A rationally thinking person would never even have to think twice about who was the sensible choice. It’d be Antonio – hands down. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. But for some reason I didn’t seem to be in touch with my sensible side these days, which meant that I was seriously considering choosing AJ. Choosing. That word rang in my head. Where did I even get the idea that I had a choice? What if AJ wasn’t even a real option? What if I was reading way more into what I felt happening between us? What if this is just something he does – strings a new girl along every couple weeks just to keep things interesting? What if I was risking my relationship with Antonio for nothing? If this was the case, where would that leave me when the smoke cleared?

  Antonio had already proven to me over the course of time that his heart belonged to me and no one else. I didn’t have that same security with AJ. Could I really risk losing Antonio on an impulse? Being with AJ was a gamble and I wasn’t sure if I could take that chance. I deliberated for the remainder of the class period before finally reaching a decision…..Antonio was who I needed to be with. It just made sense and I didn’t want to bet everything on AJ with the very real possibility of losing it all. For my own sanity I had to leave him alone. It didn’t make sense that after only spending a couple days with him I already felt like I was losing my mind. That can’t be healthy. I’d have to bridle my feelings for AJ and try to continue our relationship as nothing mor
e than friends. I knew that it was going to be easier said than done because, despite the fact that I denied it to myself on an hourly basis, I was really starting to fall for him……hard.

  I felt only a mild sense of relief after finally making up my mind. There were still so many unanswered questions. I had yet to make heads or tails of why I felt so drawn to AJ in the first place. Yeah, he’s attractive, but it was much, much deeper than that. For some reason we clicked and I hadn’t been able to shake him since. That feeling in itself intrigued me. How could two people who seemed to have so little in common seem to fit so well? Whenever he looked at me there was this absolutely insane chemistry that made me wonder on more than one occasion if us running into one another wasn’t just a coincidence. Maybe it was supposed to happen that way. I forced myself to swallow the bitterness that swept over my body at the thought of never exploring whatever that connection was. One thing was for sure, if I was going to make this work with Antonio I had to beat my untamed feelings back and keep them in check.

  When the bell sounded I was on my feet and on my way out the door. My intentions were to walk to class without being noticed by either Antonio or AJ, but of course that wasn’t the case. I rounded the corner to find Antonio waiting for me outside of my math class.

  A smile crossed his face when he saw me approaching. I wished that I could match his enthusiasm, but I felt weary. I found myself missing AJ already, knowing that I’d have to put distance between us. That was the right thing to do. Antonio moved forward, and before I realized it he embraced me. There in his arms, I accepted the decision I’d made. Over and over again I told myself that this felt right, but secretly, I couldn’t deny the fact that something was missing. Somehow, even with that realization, I believed that this was the better option. Me and Antonio were tried and proven. AJ was uncharted territory. Antonio really cared about me. This moment of clarity made me feel like such an idiot. I’d risked so much, and for what? Was it really worth it? I ignored the first answer that came to mind and forced myself to believe that the true response to that question should be ‘no’. With such a rush of emotion, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to control the tears that threatened to spill over, but I had to. I held Antonio tighter to reassure myself that choosing him was right.